EH Update 1

Excited?! You better be because this is going to be good, like rubbernecking a train wreck in which no one is hurt and rainbows magically appear kind of good, but minus the rainbows.

So... after much deliberation I loosened my faith requirements, I am going to figure that someone sitting on the outgoing edge of their faith is likely going to veer away from my profile, rather than thinking to themselves, yay let's spend time with the religious girl doing training to be a pastor because I totally know she'll be a great hook up... Dude if for some cockamamie reason you have that idea, please back away from all moving objects, sit down, maybe even lay down and if necessary give your head a shake.

So why? Well the hope is I might be able to find those for whom their faith is important but they know if they say it's important they are going to end up with the faith fanatics. Here is to hoping.

The highlight of my weekend was yesterday's match with an American man (EH is already looking outside the country - that's positive) who is in law enforcement (no dice) AND a self described libertarian, the remainder of the profile made it clear that this young man (also younger, no dice) was looking for her and you know what? Blessings on you too, I'm sure you'll be happy with your coolers and rifles looking at Russia from your mother-in-law's deck and shooting anything that moves.

As for today we're back to me trying to decode Christianese gender role speak that is so bloody foreign to me and all I know that I think I'm kind of up NLLL creek.

"a lady who can be a woman to whom I can be a man to, a wife to be my 'wife' to whom I can be a husband to, someone to take care of and who will take care of me"

Let's break this down shall we and I am going to ignore "wife" as I'm a little too troubled by the quotations there. Okay, so it seems these men have missed the gender is a construct boat by more than a passing glance at the dock. A woman is a woman, not because she wears a full skirt or likes the colour pink. Now it seems he might know this but as Usher has informed us (and that's scientific no?) a lady is really just a woman who looks chaste and quite frankly unless we subscribe to rape culture's belief that how you dress depicts your sexual preferences, every woman is chaste. Hmpf, we're a little lost aren't we? But what I think you're saying is you want in the immortal words of many misogynist men before you that it is about how they look. It doesn't matter if they're a person or that "lady-ness" is a construct, you want that whole construct, you want your little Charlotte and somehow if she has a tone of any self assurance to her, she's emasculating you.

And honestly that is what bothers me more - any person that lets another person take something from them needs to look at themselves (and no I am not talking about rape - I am not blame any victims if that is where your head went, but rather as adult's we should feel free and assured to hold our ground on who we see ourselves as and if we are prepared to throw all that out the window for someone that is when we need to start looking at ourselves and our reasons for selling who we are so very, very short). I am not out to take any man's manhood, I'm not interested in emasculating anyone or making anyone feel small - but my question are they interested in claiming who they are - soft, caring stay at home man or aggressive take no prisoner man - you know what they can both be self possessed men that I could love, any woman for that matter could love.

So that's where we are at and I'm *thisclose* to messaging each of these men and asking what they actually want and if they lost their brain up someone's behind. I realize that's not a classy thing to say and I wouldn't actually say that, who knows I might just GIF my feelings:

Yep that about sums it up. And on that note *chin up* and onward

Well this is a big mess

First of all RB did not listen to instructions, but he's a man so is that really any surprise?  I had asked him not to respond.  I've been on this planet long enough to know there is absolutely no good way to reject someone.  Sure you can do it directly and that's better than lame avoidance BUT there is really nothing to say that will not grate the other person in some way  you had not intended.  So ya, it kind of NLLL me off.  A part of me wants to post it but that's not really fair for him since I hope sure as hope he's being decent and not telling the whole bloody campus. So until the time he does that I will just sum up things - he likes someone else but isn't pursuing it.  His words not mine.  Which is kind of a red flag - I do believe that if a man actually, like really likes a woman and is not just infatuated or weak he'll do something about it.  You don't have to put a ring on it, but leaving her floating around the world is pretty lame in my opinion if you like her.  Two he said he'll pray about this whole thing.  Now quite frankly this alone almost made me want to chuck my phone this morning.  I believe attraction is something that on some level is primal.  Either you do or you don't - granted you can not have considered it, just like I've fought the whole RB process in some way or another until I considered it but DUDE, no amount of praying in this world should be devoted to convincing yourself to like someone.  To stay married to someone when you love them but don't feel that passion fine, go for it, not going to stop you at all but I am not a pity prayer or a spiritual arm twist.  It makes me feel cheap like you're only going to consider me because you think God guilted you into it.  Yes I might be all bitchy-mcbitcherson at the moment about the whole thing, BUT gah.

Just one more man affirming why I'm single and you know what it doesn't make me feel bad about myself it just makes me a little disappointed.

So now that is done, I spent today trying to hide from RB and he seemed pretty determined to find me.  Really I don't want to think about this, I just want to move on.

Not quite what I was looking for but it's a beautiful song and some of it rings true.

A Little Honesty Time

I am a believer that if you put your fears out in the open that their power over you diminishes.

So folks here it goes:

I am scared shitless about the GRE/GRE Lit exam and graduate school and all that business.  Why?  Well a few years ago I wrote the MCAT which if we are being really honest I did not study well for - though for anyone who's taken it in it's original form I wonder if you could really ever study enough - needless to say I could have and should have studied harder. C'est la vie, and so is this.  I have been studying and reading and reading some more and working on this Shakespeare class - and as much as it all makes me tick and yadda yadda - as much as I can say it's not the MCAT saga, it's scary.  It's beyond scary.

Yep so there is the fear I have been laying out in an attempt to deflate it...

In moments like this I listen to this lovely song - this lady's word has carried me through many moments - this happens to be one of them

Goals for the Week

Now that the weekend is wrapping up and I'm trying to unwind - I have the following goals for myself.

1. Walk for 30 minutes every day - I figure if I can start there that it is do able, it's not high intensity and it's somewhere to start - and if I really just cannot do it, then I need to have a shower to help the soreness, take an Advil if needed and then do some yoga.

2. Keep a calmer pace - so if that means getting up 15 minutes earlier, and conversely going to bed earlier then so be - but make baby steps to reducing as much stress as possible.

3. Learn to leave lists at two things :)

That's it folks just two goals for this week - my Type A self will just have to shelve it's neuroses.

I know this song might not be of interest to many of you but I know I will have this on more these days - there is something soothing about their music.

Another Song issue...

I woke up from one of many long and deep naps I've had this weekend without the aid of Gravol, and I have to say apparently my body really needs its sleep... but anyways while I get to enjoy the expanse of sheets and fluffy duvet alone, a song popped into my mind. Earlier today I was lamenting my inability to study during this extended comatose-ness to my parental unit. That I can forgive myself for, slacking off in the wake of all this not really.... Maybe that's why I am prepared to loose my attachment to AB. Maybe it's the Gemini in me or maybe it's a survival technique, or maybe my grief and shame are able to birth him out of my dreams, my breaths, out of my veins and into something for a creative writing project. I guess what I am saying is in this weakness of body and mind I am being reminded of the strength of a presence and the direction for my life and honestly it is away from AB. Whether that is forever or a time that is not for me to decide.

There is a quote from Ann Lamott to the side of my bed about perfectionism being the voice of the oppressor and every thing starts with a shitty first draft - even studying does. So I'm going to "burn the ships" yes I am aware that is a famous line Cortes said, but it's also a line from that song I mentioned... and get on with the getting on. Sure we can all look lustfully at the horizon. But even in those moments I need to remind myself of the horizon on the other side, the one where the sun rises.

Time to get out of bed, for a few hours at least.

Photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/21186938@N07/2144850424/