ALL.THE.FEELINGS

I have been trying to avoid posting because I do feel like it's a bit of a big secret to keep from LG and its the kind I know he wouldn't like me keeping. But I'm trying to process my feelings and whether I hit publish or not on this post, I need to express them.

It's been great - yes things are moving possibly faster than I would have ever imagined, though to be honest I'm not sure what I imagined and maybe that in and of itself it the most nerve-wracking part. I don't know if I knew what this would be like - the disorientation. I feel swept up, caught in something moving that I never expected and didn't ever think to plan for and I'm not sad by that but I am nervous after CEF and given that X and I moved at really a glacial place and were long distance - I didn't have to schedule my life around him.

I am afraid the other shoe will drop and this will all become horrible or I'll wake up one morning and wonder what massive bad acid like trip I found myself on again. As if I cannot make the right choice for myself. I am possibly too sensitive to the desires of those around me. I still struggle when I hear people say well you deserve better, you deserve someone more _____. I might. But by who's standard, theirs? or mine? If I am happy, if I feel safe, if I feel that this person is someone I could raise children with, love that long term love and all those things if it doesn't look like X or he isn't _____ is that wrong?

I don't know what finding that one person is suppose to feel like - I hear it's suppose to feel like butterflies, it's suppose to feel like all sorts of things and you'll just know and you'll just... and it seems to become a spiral I cannot find myself out of, one that uses comparisons and others experiences.

I don't know what will happen long term, how we'll find balance or if he'll go to the UK or if he's truly the one and feels the same or if I'll panic and pull the plug and keep being single - after all that is the easiest. It is so much easier to keep people to a degree present in my life, to not change, to not be pushed, to not push someone else, to not depend on someone, to make decisions with someone else. And while those things terrify me, what if it is in the end like all the hard decisions you make in life one of those things you have to just start doing, even if it does scare you shitless.

At the end of the day we're all messy, we all have things our significant other's family's feel they should have aimed higher for, whether it's our health or education or looks or even age - as LG's has been balked at a few times and yet we make choices. We have a choice to choose who we choose.

And DD update - saw him at a concert event LG took me to and it's not there - the spark, the whatever he had that used to give me cold sweats in his presence has disappeared. It was kind of fascinating.