Oh DUDE, Seriously!

So I thought we had a sane-ish discussion about the state of the relationship - it even ended with a hug and at 8pm I received a text asking if I had stolen anything else from his place. 

WTF was my first reaction. 

My second was, WTF. Turns out this is all about the Jesus Feminist book I gave him to read with the intention I would read it but more to the point, he spent the relationship complaining about the fact I see myself as a feminist. So why the hell would you want it, right? Apparently he did and he thought that I would have taken other belongings, yet if you look around your place dude I left everything I didn't have to take - food, coffee, mug etc all got left. I don't need them, don't want them. The Narnia series he read to me was only awesome because he read them to me. Why would I want them know. And for the record we know I claimed it last Thursday - dude it's been 5 days.

And he's refusing to talk to me on the phone, has now blocked me on FB and you know what I am fine with that. I want peace, and in every relationship that has ended, except with my first ex who also happened to be a lawyer, I have found a way to be civil if not supportive. X and I are amazing in our friendship support but I have no expectations every man can be like that.  I would like us to be civil given that our lives will intersect and if I become a pastor in Vancouver, in any capacity I don't desire having a bitter ex-boyfriend possibly poisoning the waters given that as a woman there is already fertile ground for skepticism. 

I know I cannot make things civil but I can do my best to be gracious, to try and in the process of not stomping on my heart, being vulnerable and peace-making, he's just making it brutally hard in all the back and forth.

Like Clockwork

Every time I bitch about the Douche he redeems himself. After grumbling that the man couldn't find his balls or his spine long enough to just decline the offer, and then of course on Friday after I had told HSBFF in no uncertain terms that despite her belief of a lot of repression but there could be good underneath that she was wrong, he finds me in the atrium and starts a casual conversation. I initially was all:

Like seriously do we need the pretense, you're a douche and there is no way around that and then he "apologizes" and declines the offer, which for some reason unknown to me I said sure well let know if anything else looks interesting... like NLLL let it go, he's never going to be truly decent to you. He's always going to make you want to through something at him and whether it's a plate or yourself it's not going to go down well. You're just going to find yourself doing this and raging inside.

CEF and the Douche...

A few weeks ago as I sat in Florida I started this post with the following and then realized I was in the company of children and didn't want to have to explain my language choices.

"First of all I think the Douche needs a new name, I haven't settled on one, so I'm taking suggestions. If am going to make efforts to treat him like a human being or even have mixed complicated emotions about him then I need to have a different name for him."

So the thing is the name is going to stay.

Why?

Because I don't have one that seems to encompass the frustration that is him and his behaviours. I am not talking about the social interactions with the blonde classmate on Mondays, no I'm talking about hoarding my tupperware, after being gently, very gently nudge about it and still having it hoarded and then when I decided to take a direct and funny approach I get an immediate return of the tupperware and silence.

The message in case your wondering,

"It seems my tupperware is still being held hostage and as such I am prepared to offer a possible incentive (possible in that it might not be incentive for you) of a ticket to the opening night of ****** at the *****. You get a free night of a little ****** culture, although it would be with me, and I get my tupperware."

I followed the sending of this message with a bet to AE that the tupperware would be in my mail box in the morning of the next day, I bet her a coffee. And a coffee she got.

I didn't feel like it could be read as a date, maybe it could have been (oops) but either way a polite no thank you is all I need. I'm a big girl who regularly wears my big girl knickers - I forget a lot of things but those I remember.

As for CEF - well he and I were in the exact same city of Florida for some of the same days and I did not see him. YAY! We (the people I was staying with and myself) found out days before I left that he would be dropping in and so while it was super stressful it was also an amazing time of rest and direction and affirmation that I could trust the boundaries I set.

So yep that's life. Well a small part the rest is books and failing adulthood - you don't need to know about that stuff.

And this is pretty much it for both these men to some extent - I don't want either but I appreciate her/CeeLo's two word sentiment:

Online Dating, I hate you.

I have opted to try out EH, and after it took 45 minutes of my life I will never get back filling out its survey, I seriously wondered if all the laughing at its stupidity would outweight the annoyance of it all.

For a moment it did.

Then I received my matches and realized that I filled out my application as my narcassistic personality or maybe I am crazily concerned about getting ahead, being obsessed about work and my body... because that's who I was matched with. I seriously considered re-filling it all out in the hopes I would find someone who is not going to be horrified when they find out I am a student basically living below the poverty line. But I decided to just ignore it - bad idea. I didn't check in for 3 days because I didn't want to deal with the stupid decision I had made, but I figured last night I should check, as my roommate who had also signed up was getting the same matches and we wanted to compare. I had 55 matches... and had a minor panic attack. So we laughed our way through them and in all those found 1 possible match.  I have come to the realization I'm picky, really picky on a superficial level.

Here were some of the deal breakers.

Poor basic spelling/grammar. Look I know that my grammar is horrible, BUT I am familiar with spell check and understand the value of capitalization. I am not a fan of the lower case i or spelling words like can't as cant. Cant is not a word, can't is a contraction and cannot is the full version.

Listing in the 5 things you could not live without all of the following, even worse if it's a combination:
TV
Laptop/computer
iPhone/Blackberry
Gym
Work/Career

I'm sorry, but you can live without those, and while I give you kuddos for being honest. How about friends, family even Fido...

EH also has questions that you can be asked which I hate with a passion - they're either complex questions that I am sure have some purpose but I ridiculously complex, like do you support abortion. They give you 140 characters to answer - there isn't space for yes as I support choice and no as I wouldn't chose that myself under normal circumstances. Or do you believe in hell. Well first theologically there is no support for a flaming Dante-esque, so what does hell look like? And then where are we coming from - predestination, double predestination etc. in other words I'm not going to give you a simple answer...

Or they have questions like do blue and yellow make green. REALLY?? Well I know who not to ask to make the icing green when we only have blue and yellow in the house...

I will keep ya'll updated - so far it's just an animator - but it's a slim hope since some of his questions to complex questions had simple answers opposite to my choice. So I'm not holding my breath.

Frankly all this makes me miss X more but alas that feeling needs to go somewhere else quickly.

Feel Free to Smack Me Anytime Now

First it should come as no surprise to you that I'm now going to be posting more often over the next few weeks because I have papers to do.  Oddly posting though procrastination seems to be the mental equivalent of going for the run to calm my nerves, it gets some of the ants out of me.

So on that note, today's post and the reason you can smack me.

This online business has made me realize I like being single.  For the love of all things pink and sparkly where are all the good ones for me?  I am not saying that online dating is full of duds, I means I know there are duds, but they are everywhere.  Which as an aside is rather unfortunately because if they could all be relegated to the interwebs maybe life would be more peaceful.  But this is not my point.  I know I'm unique, and I mean that in all the positive and not so positive aspects of that word.  I really cannot date Americans - though yes if you are counting CEF, X and the majority of my currently peer selection fall into this category.  I don't have a problem with Americans, I have a slight issues with their lack of health care and their bloody backwards ideas about marriage, birth control and war, especially war, being that I am a pacifist.  So you add that plus the graduate degree I'm pursuing which is extremely polarizing in the religious community I am apart of and fishing in for my "future someone," then tack on the dysfunctional body and even more complicated and dysfunctional past, especially the lack there of my v-card.  Which taking another aside was lost not by my choice initially and then it was freely given to AB and X.  I don't have any qualms with that part of my life, with those choices, but I have come across men who believe that I beyond damaged goods for those choices, that I've passed myself around.  Which quite frankly is a completely sordid load of NLLL in my opinion.   So whatever, the point is not to say I'm broken and a mess.  I guess, the issue is the same as it was 5 years ago.  People, including myself, are too damn complicated to be online dating.

So basically I've come to the opinion not only is it a load of NLLL, but that X is still the best one out there.  Yes yes and this is where I have to also say and how exactly do I and X maintain a relationship? We cannot and such is this whole bloody crock.  I still love a man who is wholly unattainable.

Even worse I cannot even claim the following for my actions:

Oh well.  Back to the books.

Dear Future Employees

Remember your future boss might be (probably is) on Facebook.  Just a word of advice, you may love Playboy but we run a family friendly company, so try to avoid the bunny being your profile photo.