I Don't Post Immediately and Y'all get cranky

Okay so here is where things are at...

Feeling wise I feel excited and like roller coaster terrified though I've never been on one... I just well didn't expect this and I know that's cliche.

On one tiny level the cliche of it will happen when you least expect it is one of the most irritating ones offered to single people but it seems it has become reality.

But really you want details right? Yes I'm not going to hear the end of it if I don't share those.

So Saturday we texted back and forth and it was really sweet - it's nice to have that balance between feeling wanted and not feeling like I'm being smothered. He had plans on Saturday night and I washed my hair and fell asleep in the presence of one of my loves, HP.

Sunday morning I went to church and sat next to the Douche (seriously he needs a new name because dating has made him so much less douchey, he's actually friendly) and his girlfriend and then after waiting forever in line at the local drug store for the important things - mints and chapstick... I hopped on the train and then had to wait a little for him.

Which truthfully was totally fine and my headspace had been distracted a little too - my flights from Florida have been seriously messed up by Delta and I just haven't had the emotional space to get on the phone with them and fight it out because it's ridiculous that they cancelled one of my flights and rebooked me on an early one that leaves as my flight arrives... yes because that makes sense - there has to be an algorithm that would prevent that.

Anyways, we bought salad makings, I proved myself to be awkward in my refusal to just make a decision, which as most of you know I'm happy to make a decision and piss someone off if I care about said decision, but a decision about which vegetable to go in a salad, whatever all work for me.

We then had lunch, moved to the couch, talked and then while I may or may not be a lady, you can fill in the blank.  I had to head home to help start the process of moving out some furniture for the eventual moving in of some furniture so CW being brave decided to come along.

Frankly I know my PU is not the man he was when I was younger and the twins cause him more stress than he deserves so I wasn't concerned about that, what I was concerned about was CW agreeing to help move the furniture. On one hand it was great, my back has flared up and on another hand I know my PU loses his grace and attention when it comes to moving furniture and construction and I was a little terrified that it could dissolve very quickly. I went well and in some ways endeared me more to CW, that he could hold his own with my PU.

CW stayed over for dinner and late into the evening, missing many buses and quite frankly if I knew of a way to keep him here with me and keep our respective employers happy I would have suggested it but well that seems like that's a recipe for disaster.

Speaking of work, we're trying to balance telling people we love that we're dating and keep it from our coworkers. And quite frankly as KAB burst my bubble this afternoon, I'd have to agree, that while I would love it to be until mid August, she managed to keep hers a secret a week. I am beginning to wonder after CW's light but on the target grilling by our receptionist is either of us is going to be able to keep this unwraps much longer than a week.

So there you have it... a little throw back

We're Getting All Rebellious In Here

This post might be a bit hard to understand but I'll do my best to explain where I am coming from. I was raised in a family that took certain aspects of their ethnic/religious group/religious beliefs to what some would consider extremes. One such "extreme," dancing was and still is strictly verboten (forbidden).

While there are some religious circles who believe dancing leads to sex, Mennonites seem to believe that sex leads to dancing, which is to say that it is the worst possible activity a single 31 year old woman could be engaging in, even if she was, as I was last night, very clothed.

I still remember my mother's reaction when at 13 she found out that I had been to a lunch time dance that our public school put on (truth be told I'd been to a few of them before she found out about that one). But a 12 or 13 year old's awkward swaying most often at arms length was nothing really and if anything when I look back on it, it wasn't a place for me. That is not reflective of any faith values, but more so being the awkward nerdy plus sized kid that I was with little to no self esteem and no support network, I was easy pickings for being teased and being groped. Let us be honest, regardless of how curvy I might have been I was the only girl in our class with breasts, like real full on breasts and I had had them for a while. Everyone knew it and I knew everyone did. And so when my mother declared that I had seriously transgressed an boundary I was perfectly fine with getting my insecure ass back on the "right side" of it and staying there.

Interestingly our grade 12 grad, non-school sanctioned because there was dancing, boat cruise played out in much the same way, though there was a little more girls dancing with girls. In the end one of my classmates still thought my ass was the best place for his hands and that soured the night.

I have had roommates and even a boss try to get me on the dance floor in various situations, even in East Indian weddings where even the bride joked that I just needed to "open the door" and "screw in the light bulb."

Stepping on to a dance floor as I realized walking home last night was a space I never felt safe in, not so much about the groping and the grinding but more so me. Stepping on to a dance floor meant that I truly needed to be okay with me. I needed to know that I was okay, awkward or not awkward, chubby or curvy and well spanxed, that I, me, this person, in this body was okay and even more mind bending for me worth acknowledging in a celebratory fashion. That I needed to be able embrace a kind of freedom I'm not sure I ever would have been really ready to embrace. But like those things in life that I don't feel ready to embrace there comes a time when I receive the necessary kick in the ass to make me realize I was ready.

I was finally ready last night and it might have been awkward, it might still be awkward from now until the last time I step on a dance floor but you know what, I'm okay with that, even if I'm not sure about some of the song selections.

Thanks to KAB and AE I crossed a major life threshold and we had fun doing it.

One of the songs it is no secret that I do and will always love:

Dating Pseudo-Stockholm Syndrome?

I am beginning to wondering if some magical combination of hormones, book dust and cold weather is the reason that the douche is beginning to look somewhat attractive.  I think that this belief is primarily because I am losing my sh*t at the this moment, demonstrated by the fact that someone I dubbed grumpy Eeyore (yes immature, so what) is some one I vague interests in.

This though all to say, that I really for one do not think he or I are even on the same planet as many things, so even if there is some sanity to the feeling (which I doubt), nothing will come of it.  Quite frankly there are days where I wonder if I am on the same planet as any man who ascribes to the same faith, even in the broader ecumenical sphere.  Yes I have three papers to write and I know I cannot solve this issue in one post or a million posts for that matter, it's just a question that keeps revolving around - will I ever date again, never mind get married.  And if so, will it be healthy?

It is clear from my previous dating history that I can do things right and I can do things WRONG, so I have some faith that one day I can actually figure out the pieces for a relationship that is RIGHT, however right now, I feel like that's is not the point where I am at in life, that graduate school for me borders on insanity too often to think that what I can offer another human is going to be healthy or even a representation of normal me - or maybe that's just the doubts speaking.

As for this moment, I can tell you this, things with RB are back to friend status and a-okay. Belgian Boy is sweet but he's not the one, even though he's a serious catch ladies, and as for the set up that didn't set, he's lame and that's okay because that's his issue and not mine, though I will make it mine if he keeps smugly walking past me in the library.  Dude, you bailed, I took the high road (publicly) thus far so be careful, don't think I'm down with the way you think things are.  And lastly though he's a new addition he's not really going to stick around in these conversation circles to be discussed at any length and so will remain nameless.  I had seen said man around campus, but didn't think anything of it, while in Sbucks (next to our building) he starts talking to me (now I feel like I should have a sign that says do not talk to the human unless she has caffeine in hand), but the conversation went well, we walked to our building and inside the doors, he bolts for the bathroom.   Now dear men, please for the love of all things sparkly and pink, figure out how to gracefully leave a conversation. I wasn't expecting a date offer, I wasn't expecting anything, especially not being unceremoniously dropped mid sentence. To add to the hilarity, KAB and AE and I all didn't know his name (I could tell you what he ordered, skinny peppermint mocha, really?), eventually thanks to the wonders of FB I figured it out. Anyways, needless to say even preliminary discourse and pseudo-dating both are not going amazing.

All this means Religious Grad school = Death to Dating Life

Living on the Other Side of the Line

For all intensive purposes I am currently living below the poverty line.  I knew I would be when I started graduate school.  I knew that things would be tight, at times very tight.  I did not expect that they would be this tight.  I had to contact my church this week to ask for help - after almost two months of wrestling with the idea, knowing that despite how ridiculously tight things are right now, that there are always those who need more than I do.  I have a home right?  I have heat (well sort of - my landlord is stingy in that regard), I have some resemblance of health and more importantly I'm the only mouth to feed. Well in asking for help I'm realizing how socially shameful it is to be on this side of the line - regardless of how you get here. There are strings, lots of strings, and questions and judgements.  All I conceptually understand are well meaning, but they hurt.  They hurt a lot. They imply - they imply that I should have known better.

I guess this is also me venting at God too - I know I try to keep my faith out of this blog - but I guess in all this hurt, is the question of where is the provision? And if this is the provision why does it hurt, why does it come with shame and guilt attached to it?  Isn't that counter to everything that is who you are?  Funny somewhere in this I know there is an answer - just feels beyond reach at the moment.

This is not a hand out moment but may be a moment to remember that when you judge a person on the other side of that poverty line - the world on this side is full of enough hardship without that and for better or worse I now know that first hand.

The Long Weekend Cannot Come Soon Enough

Ms. J and even X to some degree insist that I spend too much time on culinary websites/detours.  I contest that there is a really good reason for my searches - you never know what you can find.  I went searching for a cooked vanilla strawberry jam recipe to make this weekend and found this website. That is an amazing discovery.

But that aside I am looking forward to a chunk of time so that I can plow through Wuthering Heights.  I am half way through and I declared to the world and Twitter, or maybe that is the world, that I would not read another book until I finished Wuthering Heights.  I needed to motivation to just do it, to get invested in it like I did Love in the Time of Cholera. I find that if I am not in a class where I have to read a book, if it doesn't grab me I shelve it.  I have been known to shelve a book multiple times before I read it all the way through.  Fingers crossed I don't shelve it once more.

Even worse then being stuck without good reading material, I realized that I might have to work in September after all.  I do not want to work.  Seriously I do not want to try and balance work and school.  But that being said unless I find a benevolent benefactor or rent out my uterus I am not going to be able to afford school.  Gah.  So the plan at the moment is to consider looking for bursaries etc - I don't know what my chances are but being denied is better then not asking.

On the topic of money and work/life balance - well actually it's not really on that topic at all - my PU has started running! So glad he's got the old man belly going on and that is not good for anyone, especially him.  So because I'm a mean daughter I've convinced him to sign up for his first half marathon.  Bazinga! I managed to bring one person unwittingly over to the dark side.  We're going to be hitting up SoCal in November - so really I don't know how dark side it really will be...whatever - will be updating you on the joy that will be my life trying to get my PU up to the 13.1 miles.

Too much to do, too little time - and don't even get me started on the GRE - oy vay.

Don't Make Promises You Cannot Keep...

I believe that's the saying... I confess I will likely fail at keeping my promise to keep blogging in the next little while.

My bestie Ms. J has a brand spanking new hip and as such I'm going to be spending my next few days sneaking food into her, watching movies and giggling about the hot doctors (there better be hot doctors).  As such I won't be here.

And when I'm not here I'm going to be studying for the GRE again - good gracious I thought I dodged that bullet, *le sigh.* X and I started talking about the future - not like that kind of future but sort of - it's the even more challenging and complicated future.

See I like to plan, but in recent years I've beat down the planner in me so much that I think I'm afraid of planning. I'm afraid of saying yes to things - of quite frankly dreaming.  I feel like when I get into dreamer/planning mode I forget the present, I forget my commonsense, and I find that the world I try to dream/plan into existence is founded nowhere in reality.  In the end I guess the more I dig into this relationship and my future the more I realize just how damn burned I am/was by the whole CEF process.  Some moments I find it's like realizing not only a scar I wasn't aware of but a whole abscessing wound.  And then there are things that I thought I was afraid of that I really never was... *le sigh times deux*

X and I got into two little arguments if you will call them that last night - one about the cost of his graduation shirt - apparently he's neglected the part of growing up where dress shirts aren't found on the sale rack at the Gap, they cost money because you're an adult and looking like a schlumpy 19 year old is not acceptable at 30+.  But we'll discuss that later.  The other one was why am I doing two years of seminary, when seminary is ultimately just a middle man/point for my MA.  Good question. One that actually didn't really sink in until this morning.

I'm not sure.  I think when I set out to do my two years I was in a completely different place - I was single and I was (still am) really happy with the way things are here community and friend wise.  When I became unsingle I didn't see the point in rushing off to apply anywhere.  I don't plan on moving to be with X unless we are married - plain and simple.  It's a huge move, it's a lot of paperwork and it's not going to be for us just to try things out.  X agrees but thinks I should just apply in his general area - so we are close but not living together.  Here is the sticky thing.  The schools I want are on the West coast... they all require the GRE and I'm feeling royally overwhelmed. 

I know this all doesn't really make sense.  I guess what I mean is I understand that the most practical option is for me to apply for MA programs this Fall, but I think I'm just scared out of my gourd for that whole process.  I once was a jump and deal with it girl, now I'm one who realizes that there are still open wounds from the last time I did that.

Photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/elizacate/3393159650/sizes/z/in/photostream/

Times Are A Changin'

Well I have decided that I have had enough of being worried about the return of CEF into my personal or interweb space. Now that doesn't mean that I'm going change the format, but I am going to simplify my blogging (I have two non-linked blogs apart from this one) and make some personal and somewhat public changes.

Change 1: As noted above - I'm going to merge my Gluten Free sometimes Dairy/Soy Free food blog with my Running Blog - and once that is done, that will be linked here at S&P central command.

Change 2: I'm chopping off a large chunk of my hair (read: several inches) and dyeing it blond.  Why?  Well one - because I can, and two because I am ready even for a few months to say good bye to my most public statement of change.  I dyed my hair and chopped off my "wedding" growth and more when CEF was booted from my life.  So this change is to say in the most metaphoric way possible - I have found light in my life - in peace and joy.  In the beautiful friends like Ms J who have found ways to hold tight to someone who was so very often coming unglued.

Change 3: As noted, I like to run.  I will say that even today as my ability to tackle stairs, chairs, ramps, curbs and even toilets is seriously limited - I truthfully love to run.  Why?  Because running is my body's reminder to me that you can do it.  Even when you don't think you can, even when it all seems to come unhinged, one foot in front of the other.  When I stopped running away from the pain in my life and towards it with the help of amazing people - it was no longer terrifying.  It hurt, just like the 26.2 miles I did on Sunday hurt like hell.  My body didn't want to do, it really really didn't want to do it, but it did.  SO, on that note I have decided when I run my next marathon to do it for a Rape/Sexual Assault NGO.  I know you can run for Cancer, you can run for Water, you can run for Clean Water - all are great things to run for, but for me, I wanted to be able to move to the place in my life where I can own my survivor-ship.  Where I can say publicly: I know the statistics, I know I am not alone and I know that it shouldn't be a secret - the shame has to end and that starts within me.

Change 4: Even though I'm not single as of a few days ago (long story that I've promised will not become blog material). But that does not mean the fun is going to stop around here - oh no no no - the dating world continues on - and no that also does not mean that I'm not devoted to X - I just know there is enough crazy sh*t going on in this world of non-married folk, whether they be single or not to not comment on it. And so I will.

Content

I realized something recently I'm actually kind of content with being single.  I have enough of my plate.  I have an apparently brutal final exam coming up, since when did English exams become hard.  It appears I have been away from school too long - the times have changed.

But it is even the day to day stuff that makes me feel like trying to give time to another is not a good idea.  As it stands I have to take a day off to get my simple errands done - new passport (they need to make them last longer), application for grad school, new Govt ID (I've put this off long enough).  Clean my house top to bottom, including re-potting plants.  Shop for fall work clothes, lose the therapy/sick weight then shop for fall clothes, and the list goes on.  Oh and I have a half and full marathon to be training for. Given my type A tendencies, I figure get the little things out of the way, get into the swing of school/work etc in September and then think about it.  Now I know I'm not getting any younger, but here is the deal.  I would prefer to find someone in the day to day of life, and so while I'm moving forward I'm conscious I might and I stress might meet that person, if not then yes someday I'll go back to the online option.  But for now, like gluten, dairy and soy I just cannot stomach it

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/supacrush/2351773290/sizes/o/in/photostream/

Well That Changes Things....

So...

Another change to the plan
 
Really anyone want to chime in?

Before you do, let me inform you of this:

"If you completed one more upper division course after your Summer course is completed, you could graduate with a Post-Baccalaureate Diploma (PBD) in Arts and Social Sciences. A PBD requires completion of at least 30 upper division units, including at least 15 upper division units in one subject in Arts and Social Sciences (you have completed 19 upper division units in Gerontology)."

So what does that mean? I have to take one more class and then apply for graduate school. That appears to be the way things are shaking down.

Shake, shake, shake baby

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/andy_tyler/3511776607/

Landing Lights

There are distinct moments in my life where I have desired landing lights, blinking neon, a wise oracle or sage in the desert.  ANYTHING to point the way towards the right and less painful moments in life.  There have been many painful moments.  So to me that says I either miss the lights, the oracle or the sage, intentionally ignore them or they aren't there.  I am going to go with the they aren't there because I in my lack of trust refuse to see them or interpret anything as directional.

Life now is perfect case in point.  My boss decides to give me an educational leave - totally unexpected.  My father gets a loan for me - also unexpected.  Both allow me to go back to school in September to finish off this degree and get things lined up for graduate school.

However after today's meeting with my prof, I feel exhausted and deflated.  And while I could say that it is true my proposal was constructed in a matter of hours while hopped up on cold medication.  I should be proud that my un-edited mess didn't result in my tears. However, I feel like in all this my graduate school dream slips further away with every other opportunity to move forward.

So to bed I go, the proposal reconstruction will have to wait until I can get some sleep and coffee into my system.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/golfcharlie232/4427535646/

Memories

Ms. J and I are going through the spring brain funk/I hate my job/I have NO inspiration/can I crawl into a hole and hibernate phase.  So in an attempt to cheer us both up, a trip down memory lane - one year ago aside from being set to fly to Oklahoma, Ms J and I were set to fly to NYC. Oh NYC how we miss you and your PinkBerry.

Yes that is me just out side of NYU's campus - looking at this picture makes me want to consider that MFA degree again - problem is as mentioned above my brain is fried.

Okay, Now Then

So things are different around here - I am still in the process of making things more accessible. But in the meanwhile we're going to transition to fluctuating format of more pictures, quotes and random bits of my newer life journey thing I've thrown myself into.

You must also forgive me as I am trying to figure out how to use Apple software in addition to this all - I'm begining to think I am going to take the camera to work as the photos did not transfer properly. Ms J the apple lover could you explain why my photos transfer as teeny tiny?

On a happy note as I go off to sniffle my way into bed and hopefully a deep sleep - some music:



PS I have an AB update of sorts - but as for the moment we'll see if he accepts the last curling ticket for the semi-final game on Saturday.

Written in the Stars?

To amuse myself I read my horoscope and check out what the wise readers of the gassy masses and centripetally moving masses see, I almost even convinced J to come with me to get a reading, but in the end I just wasn't sure that I could handle what would be said objectively, I knew I'd either hear it would be years before I'd find someone or the opposite, both of which I'd rather leave to those gassy masses... anyways to I checked out the alignment for myself and the two most prominently featured acronyms... I have to say it's funny to read them, because well, in hindsight they seem sooooo accurate.

Well in regards to OM, apparently I'd have to be on crack if I think we'd work out, according to the heavens, sure OM's sign finds me as hot as a Las Vegas August afternoon, but beyond that it also finds me as annoying as one of those afternoons can be chaffing every last inch of you as you burn, melt and darn well get angered to high heavens - yep we can check that one off as successfully achieved... in the end it's a flash in the pan and that's about it, I've moved on as predicted and he's still figuring it all out...

As to the other labeled soul, apparently it could be "magical," hmm, ya not interested if there are saws, bunnies and top hats involved... but apparently we're hot for each like that August afternoon, I'd have to say in my opinion we're at the I don't think I've even considered that stage, so I don't know, it could be, we're keeping that off the table because well why the hell should it be on the table, for one if we remember the whole long acronym, we haven't changed planetary systems so thus I can't foresee myself being considered suitable, but if we do shift the time space continuum apparently I could have found my not railroadable counterpart who will provide me stability, consistency and the patience to deal with someone owned entirely by the twins...only catch supposedly they like to lead thus the no railroad, so I'll be waiting on that time shift shit to go down, I wonder if I can cook up anything in the lab to speed up that process... not that, oh what the hell, why deny it, we all know that I want something to happen... shit my life is just not working out these days, this is the worst ever.

The Things We Think and Do

Yesterday started out with the best of intentions - take the Subway to Ground Zero, see the financial district and so on and so forth. However the WTC stop was though marked accessible was not, so we back tracked and found ourselves in Greenwich Village and NYU territory. I have to say I always believed that I didn't need the "university experience," that I didn't need to rush and all that, and while I still don't want anything to do with the Greeks, I do want is move here, settle in the land of hunky single docs and get my masters degree in something ethical enough to settle out my lusting eye and penchant for dresses from Greenwich shops. Who knows my life could change a lot between here and then - the then being when I finish my current degree. And while I wholly doubt that I will not be finding myself over on this side of the world, given that a whole lot as occurred thus far in my life, I'm not going to rule it out. So on that note, I'm off to find my Mr Big Part Deux in Central Park, enjoy the sun and look on in shame, pain and lust at the runners wanting so eagerly to be out there but given the miles I'm putting on my feet this week, I think I'm going to have to put that on hold until I'm back home.

My Life is like the Weather - Irratic!

Okay, so I have to confess, I know how to get into a relationship, but the whole just dating for the fun of it, the whole getting to know more than one person at the same time kind of situation you see every where, it has eluded me, for various reasons. One namely I don't know that there has ever been a time where I had more than one person interested, and secondly I have always been an eliminate them long before we even get to the first date kind of girl. So that being said, let's back all this up, because if you've been reading closely, yes I have now two date propositions from different individuals. And now I'm a little baffled, we could say it's the new hair, the benefit of all the running on my J-lo, but really X has seen me with all sort of hairdos including the post gym freaky hair and in my Lulu's, and OM - he's seen me without makeup and rather scrubby and well as a red head only... Sooooo, what do we do now. Well I keep going to my local coffee haunt in the hopes of snagging him, sliding him my number or something like that and OM well he's going to get a message back on Facebook and we'll see what's going to happen. I'll keep you all abreast and while we're talking about all this - anyone got any happy CD ideas... sorry I really am but sometimes I feel like I need embrace the girl in me who just finds all this so new and crazy... who knew at this age I would feel 20 years younger overnight.

Okay so I know this song doesn't relate, but it does relate to the last time I felt like this, way back when this song was on the radio, it brings me back and the cover version, sometimes we change, but the song at the core remains the same.