Okay, so you may want to sit down

I joined eHarmony, not just the free communication weekend during a time when my roommate has paid so I can see the guys we are mutually matched with, the real deal, put my money where my picky heart is

AND

 

It is a bigger disaster than I could have imagined.

Seriously I thought Christian Mingle was a disaster but this is a disaster on a whole other level. Yes on CM I couldn't fend of the crazy men who in their 60's were messaging me or the vastly under-educated,*  but now I have EH people telling me that my most awesome match is a Christian douche bag who is looking for a Stepford wife with a secret penchant for kinky sex.** Sure I check every morning and every morning I am relieved that I have chosen to look at my matches on an empty stomach given my often violent recoil.

For example EH recommend you list your Top 5 things you cannot live without (AND BE CREATIVE - ie. don't say water, air etc), so if we remember back to January I found that everyone I was matched with placed their iphone, job and computer in their top 5 and now I've whip-lashed to this:
Jesus Christ & The Bible

Family

Serving The Lord (Spreading the Gospel)

Fellowship with Christians

Nature

This particular man also puts the Bible as the best recent book he's read. You know what dude, that's swell, but I wouldn't put it in the fiction books you've read for one and two seriously? You and I are not going to go over well when I drag you into every bookstore imaginable. (So this is where X is going to be litmus test for these men - he found bookstores and stood and waited patiently while I might have moaned suggestively or did this at all the amazing random titles and first editions).

You know what I am picky, but dammit I am going to be hitched to this person for the rest of my life and I am hoping that life has some serious longevity. I'm not a proselytizing stepford wife or a Barbie doll and I cannot imagine how they could think it exists. A woman at 30+, unless she has been living with her parents has an education (academic or life or both) she's had to figure out her NLLL, she's had to pay some kind of bills (cue: Destiny's Child or Mr Neyo), if she's sane enough for marriage she has not been sitting on her laurels, behind or even standing still for that matter, she's been travelling, making friends, figuring out what she likes and doesn't like and for the record other EH dude, sushi is AMAZE-BALLS (and gluten free) so step off.

So this is the beginning of the EH rants - I hope to keep them down to once a week and not veer them too far into the world of crazy evangelical Christianity because you and I don't want to have a glossary with this all.

* I have absolutely no issue with dating or marrying a man without a formal education granted that he is still intelligent. I cannot imagine spending my life with someone who has no desire to read, or understand current events (or even know the difference between Egypt and Iran) or able to engage with me on any level other than "hey baby *grunt*...

**Who knows maybe I might be down the kinky HOWEVER, only when it is a mutual decision and not out of some perverse belief my husband has that "x" is his right (at work so I cannot link the very NSFW info from Mark Driscoll's marriage book, but feel free to Google that if you have eye ball bleach on hand)