Confessions #3451 and #3452

#3451

So when I talked about targets, and throwing one out there to see where your aim is - well I did that, just now and I totally regret it. I have opening night tickets to a show and I figured since Mr. Brilliant provided me with a free ticket, why not throw it back his way (meanwhile throwing it open to anyone on FB), while promising him that I will not be as awkward as last time (not like I was the problem).

 Why haven't they figured out a retract button for email and FB?

#3452

I have started walking the 40-45 minutes to the train instead of waiting for 20+ minutes for the bus, it not showing up, getting stressed and then being late for work.  So nothing scandalous there, the confession is I've been walking past DB's house. Which actually is kind of lame, really lame, since we've really established my ability to hold a conversation with him is below toddler levels. My coherence disappears and my mouth dries, so if I was to run into him, it isn't going to end particularly well.... As of yet he hasn't appeared and it's been good incentive to walk fast. I know this is lame, but I have no desire to see one of his shows and go through that process of looking cute, just to sit paralyzed on a bar stool. This way I'm on my way, if it happens well I have an easy escape. Saying this implies I am still interested in him - I'm actually interested in getting him off the list - I need to know that I don't have any of this dry mouth business still going on, that I have grown past whatever it is that his presence does to me.

And I have an ironic conclusion. At lunch yesterday one of my bosses and a coworker were shocked to find out I'm single an don't really intend to start dating until I'm done school in 3 years. Then I'll get my ass on whatever dating site I need to do, but until then if it happens great, but I don't feel like I want to be out there just dating because I'm bored or lonely and quite frankly while I have a lot to offer graduate school is a big wet blanket on that whole awesomeness. So ya there you have it - lukewarm attempts to get myself out there, seems I'm putting as much effort in as Mother Nature is with getting summer on its way.

Dating and Targets

I was thinking last night as I fell asleep that dating or more so the process of starting to date someone or whatever you want to call that circus, is equivalent to throwing a dart at a board or an arrow at a target.

In some cases we steady ourselves, we line ourselves up with all the precision we can muster and we hit it right on target, oddly most times after all that effort we miss the mark or even fall brutally short. Truthfully as my previous archery experience bears witness, sure I could hit the target first time out, but more often I didn't, I'd overshoot or be a little off on the side. A few adjustments and I would get my groove, hitting centre or whatever balloons were arranged. It wasn't hard once I got over the fear of doing it. But the thing is I'd have to want to.

And right now I'm in the "it takes too much work" and for what? Hitting a bull's eye in front of a bunch of cocky teen boys was worth an initial missed shot, but now? I might want to date but I'm not really there with my desire to.

Last weekend KAB briefly lamented that nothing came of Mr. Brilliant. Sure he has potential, he possibly has great potential, but I feel like even if I make an effort it's not going to stick. That being said I did make a ridiculously half assed attempt by inviting him to our Star Trek event. Yes because I know that waiting in line for an hour plus is going to be all horribly awkward, but hell if it's really horrible I can always go home and have a drink to help expunge it from my brain.

I know my married friends keep saying, "it will happen" but you know I prefer to believe what Sara Bareilles said this week, "if you compare where you are to where you want to be you'll get no where"

Whatever happens, I would prefer to have my heart in it rather than a random lucky shot I cannot stand behind.

How Do I Explain Last Night's Non-Date?

I have been trying to think of a way to describe what last night was like and all I can come up with is AWKWARD.

I arrived on time, although he arrived before me, I hate it when someone is left waiting for me. He was reading a Star Wars novel, and all I could think of is he's a real human and he likes science fiction. Yay, two big pluses to add to his use of the reply "sweet" in his FB message. And then it when downhill from there - including a very long trip to the loo for him. I felt like I was peppering him with questions, most of which he did not volley back, so there was the delayed awkward dead silence, where I was considering offering unsolicited personal information or moving on to the next question or just stand their twiddling my thumbs. In most cases I opted for the next question and so it continued for about 20 minutes. I even apologized for in my words peppering him with questions, that my intention was not to interrogate him and he could just tell me to stop. He apologized, and then responded that he's not a good conversationalist, although he wants to be a professor. So how does that work I asked? You don't like conversations but you want to be in a job where conversation is a major component. Apparently he likes conversations when he knows the direction of the conversation and is in control.

So take control then, damn it.

 When the lights went down,he fidgeted through most the first act of the play to the point where I wondered if he was in pain, popping up almost instantaneously when the first act was finished. Although he did attempt to redeem the situation by offering to get me a tea. I declined. He returned with peanuts to share. Aww, for attempt, boo for the fact they were covered in an unknown substance, but I opted for a few any ways. He was better in the second act, less fidgety, though. In the end we left together, talked a little as I tried to explain how our city is laid out (he's not from around here) and parted ways when he finally seemed normal. Maybe that was why he was finally normal, he was ditching me at my bus stop as he ran for his.

Overall I can say I'm a little disappointed. I know it wasn't a date, and I'm not disappointed that he didn't change his mind half way through, to be honest I would have been seriously annoyed if he did. But I was disappointed that we had such a major disconnect moment to the point where I left feeling seriously self conscious about how my personality comes across. I stayed away from any thing controversial, was polite and perky, but not like cheerleader perky. I feel like if a dry run, dress rehearsal of date goes like that, then I have no chance in hell of actually having a remotely comfortable date with someone else in the future. Or maybe it was as KAB texted while he was in the bathroom, that it was him being awkward and not me. One big plus, I realized that while he probably is kicking my behind GPA wise, I've been working and carrying a heavier course load. Doesn't make me look smarter, since I am working a lot harder but it does oddly make me feel better.

I Blame the Mulled Wine

I have a non-date date with Mr. Brilliant (that's what I am going to call him) thought I am sure, Mr. Bombastic would have been an appropriate name although that one was taken a while ago.  He offered a ticket on his FB wall and I starred at it for what seemed like an eternity, I'm sure FB will say that eternity was a minute or even less 45 seconds.  And then I said yes, please take me.  Followed by panic, or maybe that anxiety was from the fact that I had a whole day to work on this bloody paper and I spent it resting.  So yes, thanks to some amazing mulled wine (which had minimal alcohol content) I have a non-date date on Thursday night. To add to that, he and I have yet to have any kind of actual conversation to date and my body having its usual anxiety facial eczema attack - this isn't going to be one bit of an awkward evening, not one bit.

Just a little fun song - don't read too much into it