Um so about today...

I failed.

I went down in a blazing glory of awkwardly timed horribleness that can really only be described in the following two images:

What happened? Well... it all started last week. During lunch last Wednesday I was reading a book  and CW indicated he would like to read it once he was finished his thesis. I finished the book this weekend and realized it probably wasn't a great introduction to the subject so today I dropped of the following book in his mailbox with a little note on KAB's handmade stationary. I wore a cute dress and my sassy leopard print wedges... I was all ready to begin the slow work of upping my game and then...

Not an hour later CW comes in, stops at my desk and I ask how he's doing. Not well, he just found out his dad is dying and he's postponed his thesis because he has to fly home.

All I could think was NLLL, NLLL, NLLL could I have picked a worse day to have that book in his mailbox? No, not really. So the question was do I try and sneak it back out of his mailbox or do I just leave it and explain my actions, if I need to explain my actions? Since I didn't think I could do it right away covertly and after he checked his mailbox and left it there I knew I couldn't take it out.

Because I am all about making the awkward more awkward I emailed him to apologize.

So right now I'm drinking wine, because, well because.

Oh NLLL.

Dating and Targets

I was thinking last night as I fell asleep that dating or more so the process of starting to date someone or whatever you want to call that circus, is equivalent to throwing a dart at a board or an arrow at a target.

In some cases we steady ourselves, we line ourselves up with all the precision we can muster and we hit it right on target, oddly most times after all that effort we miss the mark or even fall brutally short. Truthfully as my previous archery experience bears witness, sure I could hit the target first time out, but more often I didn't, I'd overshoot or be a little off on the side. A few adjustments and I would get my groove, hitting centre or whatever balloons were arranged. It wasn't hard once I got over the fear of doing it. But the thing is I'd have to want to.

And right now I'm in the "it takes too much work" and for what? Hitting a bull's eye in front of a bunch of cocky teen boys was worth an initial missed shot, but now? I might want to date but I'm not really there with my desire to.

Last weekend KAB briefly lamented that nothing came of Mr. Brilliant. Sure he has potential, he possibly has great potential, but I feel like even if I make an effort it's not going to stick. That being said I did make a ridiculously half assed attempt by inviting him to our Star Trek event. Yes because I know that waiting in line for an hour plus is going to be all horribly awkward, but hell if it's really horrible I can always go home and have a drink to help expunge it from my brain.

I know my married friends keep saying, "it will happen" but you know I prefer to believe what Sara Bareilles said this week, "if you compare where you are to where you want to be you'll get no where"

Whatever happens, I would prefer to have my heart in it rather than a random lucky shot I cannot stand behind.

# 56 of the Many Reasons I Have A Blog

I drink.


And when I drink gin I normally want to say things to the boy I like or do things I shouldn't.  I think the Fall of 2009 was a perfect example of the cascade of stupid events that more than one G&T, a hot summer night and a now infamous blue dress can lead to.  So tonight when I purchased a gin based drink RB did come to mind.  Now thankfully he wasn't with us and he and I don't have that kind of texting relationship that can lead to scandalous flirting and thankfully he doesn't follow me on Twitter where I hinted to a secret affection.  No things were safe.  But mostly because I have this outlet.  I can say to you what I have been wishing I could say to RB.

I like you.  I know our relationship is going to be awkward and I'm sure you aren't going to reciprocate.  And you know what?  I am okay with that.  Actually the reason I'm telling you this is I would like to move on.  I would like to be able to stick the final nail in this emotional coffin of sorts, bury it and move the heck on.  So there you go I like you.  And now we move on from that.  Sort of the awesomely horribly kind of drunk FB message I would love to post at this moment but I will not.  No instead I will have a chocolate chip gluten free cookie and fall asleep to 16 Candles or something and let the gin leave my blood stream.

So night all, thanks for listening and staging this gin intervention. *smooches*

Life is Weird

I think we all know that, but I mean some days I seriously wonder about things, like how we can wander around so close to amazing things happening and then tumble into them.  I would love to tell you all about the amazing day I had, unfortunately no work has come out of it, and there might be some in the future, but it was a good connection day.  Good, good stuff - no men stuff in that good, good stuff - yay me, doing healthy stuff for me stuff.

And then this evening as I groan about the status of things on-line while chatting with X, I felt like reviewing our little Blog Boy listing and thinking about who is where and who should be crossed off for other purposes and I paused at DB's name.  It's always been one I've struggled with, primarily because he's been in many ways the mythological man in my life who has in the past represented all the things I wanted, or thought I wanted.  I haven't had that feeling for a long time, basically since I started therapy and realized that I needed to fall in love organically, none of this make a list shit.  But that doesn't mean that DB of make a list shit fame doesn't in some small way haunt me in rare moments like this.  So what do you do when someone haunts you and is well not actually dead.  You Google them of course!  And according to the brilliance of Google it turns out DB and I are practically neighbours!  How after living in this neighbourhood going on 6 years have he and I one never run into each other in the only freaking grocery store for like miles and miles (doesn't this always happen in the movies) and two weird.   Even weirder is he's like two blocks away from this good connection I just made.  I kind of feel like I'm being prepared to exorcise this haunt.  I do not feel like I've been prepared enough other than to not freak out when the time comes to do the deed and release it all. Cryptic and weird - yes.  But I think that's what happens when said person was the entirely unattainable hot older brother of a shitty friendship that you really only held onto for said older brother.  It's all NLLL, but yes we are talking about me and men so that's not so surprising now is it.

And if you're wondering if I'm going to start running past his house, goodness no, quite the opposite.

Again unrelated music - but it's awesome, so there.

So about tequila

I have decided when it's mixed with coconut rum and lime juice it makes a very potent but fabulous drink. Two of those later and I was having a warm all over feeling... maybe warm enough to the idea that this year is a year for getting my shit together more than it will be about getting into a relationship.

See here's the inside track on my life - I have one degree completed and another almost complete and those are incredibly long stories in and of themselves. Needless to say I realized over the Christmas holiday that I have some dreams I need to pursue to their end - whether anything becomes of them or not. Graduate school - primarily a PhD is the very end goal. I have a plan and I have a game plan to get Ms. J to come with me, in theory. She wants her PhD too, just in a completely different program, and being that we are compatible studiers I figure why not press each other onto our respective goals... so this year includes quitting work - and I've ALWAYS worked since I was 15. Going to school full time (20 credits left and one audited English class), writing the GRE which if it is anything like the MCAT I might just shoot myself, and last but not least apply for the top 7 of my area American schools and 3 Canadian schools, the UNPeace school, and two non-profit related MBA type programs. Now why you might ask, well I don't want to waste a year, I want options and I know that while the later aren't my first choice I do still find those areas fascinating and I know I need to be practical...

So will there be boys on the agenda. This is S&P we are discussing, there will ALWAYS be boys on the agenda, question is if it's just about the looking or more.

Tonight's music selection from An Education, an amazing beautiful movie and Duffy is fabulous, see her in concert if you can.

Soooo Tequila and I had a fling

And it went horrible and it involved heartburn and mumbling to my roommate about the horrors of the beverage and to remind me to stay true to my love of potato water.  But really you don't care about that do you?  You care about the adventures of last night.  Well first of all - I did buy new jeans - yes I gave in.  Second I came with food in hand - seriously - why not?  And third, I made sure that I had my A game flirt on with everyone but OM after I had successfully hooked him or so I thought.  The run down of the evening - I arrived shortly after the start, received a hug (slightly awkward but nice) and then proceed to get my chat on with everyone I could - thanks to my lust for the evening, tequila, all went relatively okay until the end.  In the end I received a lingering hug and then well that was it - um awkward - as well is expected - let's be honest here folks - we've declared our hands and picked them back up again. We know each other's cards, they aren't going to change between now and whenever in a general sense (yes they could...) and now we hold them and smile at each other and try and proceed like we don't know what the other is thinking, planning or even bluffing around.  Or so you'd think right?  Wrong.  After my lingering hug, another of the departing females got the same hug, intention could be different, but, but, but - what the hell - OM trumped all the flirting I had done in one single action, one single remember who holds the higher cards here action.  I left feeling okay - thanks tequila, and awoke this morning feeling defeated.

Sure I will say that I met and subsequently FB'd lots of wonderful people, and had a wonderful time, however, in the end I don't know how I feel about the wait and the chase.  You can talk backbone and all that, but when you have to sit and wait and wonder if that email is going to come, or if he is going to call or text or something, that's when those doubts start to natter and it all just goes grey, and not Grey Goose kind of grey.  

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/picturejockey/297137654/