Sad or Scary or a little of Both

I realized today on the way to the chiropractor, as a cute boy made a b-line to sit next to me and then proceeded not to do anything, that I'm stuck. My realization really had nothing to do with him, it did however have to do with the lack of options. I often here the it will happen when you stop looking or when you least expect it - blah blah blah. I really think that's complete hogwash. But the opposite seems to be just as useless a belief. In all my searching there has been nothing. If anything I think I am coming to the realization that the man I'm looking for is not going to be found through EHarmony or any of the other incarnations. I don't know if he even exists and if he does I really am sure that it isn't going to come through the process of online dating. That being said, I have no idea what to do now - a thirty something pacifist theology graduate student with desires to adopt and have a big community house community. Everything that is well, counter cultural and I'm a challenging woman as is... this really is not going anywhere other than to say, I'm tired of the feeling that while my life has purpose and meaning and direction (more or less) that I am going to be stuck in this non dating limbo. I completely believe that I am not alone, and I love my community. I have no problem journeying forward in life and adopting kids and all that with or without a partner. But here is the rub. As much as I try and lay down the desire for a partner, as much as I can see and even at times will myself to see my future without one, the truth is I want a partner. There I said it, as brave as I try to be, I'm alone and right now I really really do not want to be.