So I thought we had a sane-ish discussion about the state of the relationship - it even ended with a hug and at 8pm I received a text asking if I had stolen anything else from his place.
WTF was my first reaction.
My second was, WTF. Turns out this is all about the Jesus Feminist book I gave him to read with the intention I would read it but more to the point, he spent the relationship complaining about the fact I see myself as a feminist. So why the hell would you want it, right? Apparently he did and he thought that I would have taken other belongings, yet if you look around your place dude I left everything I didn't have to take - food, coffee, mug etc all got left. I don't need them, don't want them. The Narnia series he read to me was only awesome because he read them to me. Why would I want them know. And for the record we know I claimed it last Thursday - dude it's been 5 days.
And he's refusing to talk to me on the phone, has now blocked me on FB and you know what I am fine with that. I want peace, and in every relationship that has ended, except with my first ex who also happened to be a lawyer, I have found a way to be civil if not supportive. X and I are amazing in our friendship support but I have no expectations every man can be like that. I would like us to be civil given that our lives will intersect and if I become a pastor in Vancouver, in any capacity I don't desire having a bitter ex-boyfriend possibly poisoning the waters given that as a woman there is already fertile ground for skepticism.
I know I cannot make things civil but I can do my best to be gracious, to try and in the process of not stomping on my heart, being vulnerable and peace-making, he's just making it brutally hard in all the back and forth.
We found our way back to each other, friend style, goodness neither of us has found a way to turn time back or turn it inside out or mash together time zones or anything like that... X and I are just friends, and just the kind of friend I needed after all the CEF drama. We processed through stuff, our individual and mutual stuff and came out the other side bittersweetly thinking of all the stuff we missed out on.
Like slow dancing.
I never would have thought about - maybe X is right, we were just too rushed, maybe that is why we just couldn't keep going, why I felt fatigued, not in my love for him but in the energy to keep pushing at the boundaries. Or maybe because I am just horrified by my major lack of dancing skills, I am positive I would destroy his toes even slow dancing. The end of our relationship has been gnawing at me for the last two going on three years. I spend the majority of my time, when considering dating, relationships and marriage wondering what the NLLL I really did all those years ago. I know I cannot have it any way but the way it is, that's the way it has unfolded but that being said I do not know why I still love him like I do. HSBFF sharply asked after hearing about the long conversation, am I IN LOVE with X or do I just love him, because there is a difference. Most days I know where I stand, some days that line disappears for moments or hours and I forget, I forget I made a choice I cannot undo, and I wonder what I things could have been different would they have been different enough for us to not be out looking for other but rather together? I don't know that. I do know he's lovely, he's amazing and he is someone I would give my life to in a heartbeat and yet even as I write, somewhere in me there is a question. Not a question of whether that would be a good decision but something else (again that decision isn't on the table or beside it or even under the table).
And so I think it really is this, all this and I'm going to leave it at that - so in a world where X and I would have one last slow dance, this would be it *tear*
But don't panic, I'll pull through this, don't you worry your dear hearts. I'll find that line again and get myself rooted on the right side.
On a different but related note - your favourite or ideal slow dance song.
X and I share a mutual love for music, of which we seem to have the same variety of love, so we share our discoveries with each other. Yesterday he posted this band to my FB wall and I thought sure I'll check them out. Well that decision led me to purchase their EP of itunes after one song (it's 6.99) and I really haven't stopped listening to it.
It is just a sample, seriously check them out.
And while you're at it Emeli Sande - if you haven't checked her out, she has a new live album which covers her first album's material and adds some new songs for the price of the first one - and she like Lake Side Dive and even potentially The Lone Bellow are better live. It's amazing - though Youtube doesn't quite convey that alas, but here it is:
I might not but more than likely I will disappear for this week because I am attempting to write a big paper with basically no time between me and the deadline.
X suggested the following music to me today in our semi-regular "Hey I found this and thought of you..." banter.
Apparently she reminds him of me and I will totally take that even though I do not really see the likeness and goodness if I had her pipes ya'll would have a hard time getting me to talk and not sing my way through life.
First it should come as no surprise to you that I'm now going to be posting more often over the next few weeks because I have papers to do. Oddly posting though procrastination seems to be the mental equivalent of going for the run to calm my nerves, it gets some of the ants out of me.
So on that note, today's post and the reason you can smack me.
This online business has made me realize I like being single. For the love of all things pink and sparkly where are all the good ones for me? I am not saying that online dating is full of duds, I means I know there are duds, but they are everywhere. Which as an aside is rather unfortunately because if they could all be relegated to the interwebs maybe life would be more peaceful. But this is not my point. I know I'm unique, and I mean that in all the positive and not so positive aspects of that word. I really cannot date Americans - though yes if you are counting CEF, X and the majority of my currently peer selection fall into this category. I don't have a problem with Americans, I have a slight issues with their lack of health care and their bloody backwards ideas about marriage, birth control and war, especially war, being that I am a pacifist. So you add that plus the graduate degree I'm pursuing which is extremely polarizing in the religious community I am apart of and fishing in for my "future someone," then tack on the dysfunctional body and even more complicated and dysfunctional past, especially the lack there of my v-card. Which taking another aside was lost not by my choice initially and then it was freely given to AB and X. I don't have any qualms with that part of my life, with those choices, but I have come across men who believe that I beyond damaged goods for those choices, that I've passed myself around. Which quite frankly is a completely sordid load of NLLL in my opinion. So whatever, the point is not to say I'm broken and a mess. I guess, the issue is the same as it was 5 years ago. People, including myself, are too damn complicated to be online dating.
So basically I've come to the opinion not only is it a load of NLLL, but that X is still the best one out there. Yes yes and this is where I have to also say and how exactly do I and X maintain a relationship? We cannot and such is this whole bloody crock. I still love a man who is wholly unattainable.
Even worse I cannot even claim the following for my actions:
I was joking with MW today on FB that our friendship is the result of a failed blind date we had in 2007. More so we had no chemistry, maybe even subzero chemistry. And maybe that was a good thing. I was a girl with big wounds I was ignoring and if MW and I had even remotely close to the banter we sometimes get to these days I'd have imploded that relationship and possibly not addressed my real issues in the same process.
But now?
Well I recovered from the initial hurt of rejection, I did think he was funny and cute despite the chemistry issue, I was prepared to role with things. Hey I was young, I had yet to understand how important chemistry is. And now? Now we're pretty good friends. I could and would say that I love the guy, not in love with, but I think really really highly of him. Yes we have continuous cheeky banter that goes back and forth that might make some of my girlfriends eye brows raise, but I will say none of that happened while I was with X (he's a gentleman like that even if he has no intentions) and I think we both know that we would probably die of laughter before actually doing anything remotely romantic if we met up again. Honestly that is what I like, he's safe in all the good ways - makes me laugh, kind heart and a good listener.
So, I know what you're saying - sounds like most if not all the ingredients for a relationship. Well he and I are different souls, he's a wanderer and I like roots (As Ms J, X and HSBFF will attest I do not travel well - I'm like a banana), he's a wilderness man and I love the city - I need noise, and not the noise of chickens kind of noise. That being said, it has made me ponder today this:
As important as chemistry is, when is the need for companionship and procreation a stronger push.
I guess what I am trying to suss out is MW and X would make great dads and partners. Both are by no means perfect for me, X is definitely more so, but regardless, is this the time to find the best partner and future father for my children and put aside the need for steam in the bedroom?
And I will add that as MW has pointed out there is a difference between passion and chemistry, or is there?
This does not necessarily relate but I love Annie Lennox and the Fray and together well it's perfect
I have been wanting to write for a while but I keep finding that well the library is not the safest place to vent, as I try and to post as privately as possible. Yes I am aware that is counter-intuitive in the blog-o-sphere but it works for my life in a small graduate school and my future career options.
So given the range of topics I am going to try and bullet point this and group according to topic.
1. School
It's exhausting, it's expensive and in many respects I feel at times it is sucking the life out of me while it stretches me beyond myself. So from that sentence you can see it is good and bad. Part of the bad is my summer courses are not covered by government student loans (LONG STORY) and when I was on my original track to be finished by April that was a huge deal. My dad generously offered to foot the bill. A massively big deal. But I've come to question my education choice and my ability with respect to those changes to keep going. So I've decided to drop one of my courses and drum roll
Switch Degrees and life courses while we are at it.
I am switching to a long program, completely shelving the PhD and embracing the reality that absolutely crazy life while it does not define me has given me tools and experiences that I need to use. It took 4 years of psychotherapy and a completely stupid meltdown about a paper on sexuality to get me here. More so it took my beloved shrink to tell me I was being stupid and I could still do a PhD but I needed to maybe diversify my alternatives for me to realize I didn't want the PhD. Well maybe some day but she saw before I did that the PhD like my MD dreams had come to define who I was and every struggle thus became monumental, an epic clusterf*ck of an existential crisis would arise in the pressure cooker that is my program. So yes new program, longer schooling - but it does give me a little freedom to work, which I will start doing - at some point.
Not to say this new program is not going to be a crazy experience - currently I'm finishing a mental health class which involves all sorts of discussions about faith and mental health, primarily suicide.
2. Men
Lord have mercy, this really should be the last topic but alas it's here:
a) X and I had our semi regular Skype date during which time I always fall back in love with him and then spend the next day (today) trying to remind myself that if he felt the same way then things would be different and leave it be for now or always, you need to leave it be. Love him for who he is - an amazing friend and accept it.
b) Belgian boy has gone MIA for reasons unknown to me and I'm okay with that - he's cute but now that I've changed programs it would make a relationship difficult.
c) When I started my mental health class two weeks ago, guess who was in the first row? This douche, yes him, and he's even worse in group social situations. I just cannot abide his behaviour. He's abrasive and "apologizes" by saying that's just who he is. No actually sir you do not get to be a complete ass around me and think I am not going to verbally b*tch slap you one day. That day? Oh it is coming because this dear soul and I have 7 weeks of intensive Ancient Hebrew together, that is 7 weeks, 4 days a week for 5 hours a day. Boy will be lucky if he walks away with just one smack down. There is so much more to it but I don't need to ice this cake, he's a piece of work and that's about where it stands. HSBFF thinks he likes me, I do not think so but if he does there is not enough grace in my being to even grant him a pitty date, and we all know I have granted those to some seriously socially questionable fellows in the past. (POSTSCRIPT: I did bug the hell out of him in a juvenile way that made me ridiculously happy and made him pout)
3. Age
I am ageing. Seriously so, and I have a big birthday coming up, not that I mind this next decade. I think it's just the idea that I'm single with no spawn and into this decade where there is a little mind issue. BUT that does not mean I am not going to have fun and embrace this journey. On that note my amazing roommate bought me those AMAZING (Squeeeee!!!!) heels that she had to pry out of my hands as I silently wept back in February. Sweet baby Jebus they are gorgeous. But while she got me an amazing luxury gift I have actually been struggling for gifts that are important and practical that I will love. Sure everyone knows I'm freakishly poor but gift cards while nice are not something where I am going to be able to say like the shoes X bought for Christmas, my X bought them for me, isn't that nice?
So here is what I need:
Clothes - we know that
Flats and sandals - realistically I need a pair of good black flats and two pairs of sandals, one silver and one brown or black - get me through summer.
Messenger Bag - my Lululemon one kicked it back in Winter and I did a sew job but she's looking beyond sad.
Purse - my black patent Lulu purse which has lasted almost 3 years (amazing) is starting to show wear on the bottom corners, which after every day use for 3 years is completely legitimate.
Make-up - Sephora is calling me and I will not answer because I can survive without - freaking expensive store
MacBook Pro - yes that's not on anyone's list of gifts but I do need a new wing girl as my baby is holding in but I fear her eminent demise.
I am not really a jewellery girl and while I love shiny things I'm not into splurging on them. Yes books are great but given that I am definitely in my cup runneth over stage with those, additional reading is just not a good things for me.
So there you have it, the update - but not without some new music:
A friend of Ms. J's who I've known for a while asked me out informally today - as in a let's go for drinks this week ask out. I opted not to primarily because I don't know if I have the brain space to carry on a polite conversation as said gentleman, while sweet he is oil to my water or more so gas to my flame. We argue - he might find it fun, but I find it a challenge to play nice. While he teases me for being a pessimist, I don't take pride in crushing people's arguments etc. Anyways I said yes for once school is done. WHY??!!! Asked my roommate, well because he's the least threatening option. I'm everything he doesn't want, and sure why the hell not take a round at this dating thing when nothing is at stake. At some point I need to find a way to consistently tell my heart the lie that it doesn't love X, and one day it will actually believe that.
Oh in case you're wondering I opted for no visit from X - I love him but I cannot see him.
X may be coming up to visit me in about a month or so for my birthday. It's a big one *gag.* It made me realize how much I miss him and conversely how much I don't think I can stand to see him. Go figure. He's being stoic or cold or another option - saying that it doesn't bother him, he's okay with everything and me? I've gone to complete and utter mush - weeping, sobbing mush. He is currently the one I would move, do whatever for. I phrase it like that because I know that while he is and will likely in some way always be that person - life doesn't always work out that way. I want him to be that person. I want it to work, and yet I wonder, in these talks we have, few and far between with school if he's being able to heal his heart where I haven't.
It's like the repetition of the pain in September, even worse, I feel like cursing that woman out most days for letting him go. It is my own damn fault, and yes while Ms. J and others say I made the right "grown-up" decision given all our circumstances, it is days like today I don't feel like I want to be a grown up.
BWSMU it is! And he's gone MIA again... I really have to say that mixed signals are my biggest frustration, especially with the younger boys...
Two pieces of business - I'm researching PhD programs and it looks like the UK is where it is at for me, primarily because it means that I do not have to take the GRE and/or spend my winters and summers in sub-human temperatures. The prospect of that kind of move scares me but I know it's good - fear can be a healthy thing, and it also puts the entire Atlantic between me and CEF which is amazing.
Also I love this song - it reminds me of X every time I hear it even those it doesn't at all resemble our relationship - I don't think we ever danced together either - well maybe in another life time.
Directory boy and I have still been messaging - but every time I send a message, I remember that this song reflects my life - there are those who stay and there are those who run. And while I have been very intentional in keeping my personal story for face to face conversation. I am reminded that X loves me regardless of me and my story- and I know that if we aren't meant to be in the grand scheme of things, the thing I question more than all that is if I am prepared to go through the process again of walking someone through loving me. I almost feel like instead of this blog I need to start writing a book on how to love someone who has been broken by life. All our stories are unique but there are definitely some days where I just want to say to everyone - man and woman - yes I have dark uglies in my life, but they have names (abuse, rape, mental illness) and they know their place (submission - they don't control my life) - so what's it to you - why does it mean you can't like me or love me? All of the things that have broken me did not happen to you - they are not yours to carry - so if you liked me or loved me before you knew why have you stopped?
I may just have found my book topic after all these years - wow was not expecting to stumble across it while studying for my OT final - I wonder if that means I need to give my prof credit.
All over again - what is it that makes us go back, and back again and back again. It's the question I keep asking myself when I look around at the men in my new peer group. I have this reoccurring thought, y'all are not X, so why bother. Sure this really is not tragic - it is not like I have time to even consider dating. But the question is then why are X and I just not together. Well that's a simple yet complicated answer. I think the bigger question is when do we give ourselves the freedom to move forward when we weren't the one already moving out of the relationship?
I had no problem with CEF or really any other the other guys in my life I had to deal with - I was able to in one way or another rationalize the process - shut the heart down and move on. Even when I cared and still care for the individual like BI - I was still able to know that we would be friends and that was all - and furthermore that that was okay - that was the best thing for both of us. I know both of us, BI and I can say that with no doubts - we were and are better as just friends.
So what happens - how do you shut down your heart when you do not know how to. I know how to get angry - that's how I dysfunctionally dealt with AB - get mad and burned over a long enough period of time and you eventually get closure - to burn, cut, chafe every thing that bound you two together until you get freedom. With X I do not want that - I do not want to go down a road of systematically removing him from my life by any means possible. I still love him - and there is no good reason I have found not to.
Friends have told me that maybe I'll just keep loving him until things work out. The thing is - I don't think that is right. Maybe I am wrong.
I started school today, I quit work on Friday and X and I are no longer a couple. And I all I want in all this change is him. He is an amazing, sweet, smart, handsome, talented, funny and gentle yet strong man. A man I am crazy about and I know I will always be to some extent or another - there aren't a lot of great men in this world. He even bought me amazing jewelry I will cherish with no hints whatsoever. So why? Why didn't I jump on the next plane? I cannot bend time and space - we are in different time zones, different countries and different life journeys and we could go on living with 5 minutes of bbm and the occasional Skype date as the glue, but the glue I really need more than anything is knowing in the nights I have anxiety and nigh terrors that I can cling to him and not my cold blackberry. If I could have I would have bent everything imaginable for this man - but maybe for us that just isn't enough.
They are right - I just wish I could have held on longer.
I realized today that large retro sunglasses were not designed for blocking out sun, no they were designed to hide the quiet tears you have while on the train. Why was I committing a cardinal transit sin - open displays of emotion - X missed his flight to see me. X had is own NLLL day which resulted in that moment - his car dying in the middle of the freaking state - seriously honey one more reason you don't live in the middle of freaking nowhere - but neither is his fault. I am tired from the crying. I know I won't see him for a while - maybe a long while. I feel horrible for him having to fix his car - his vacation being consumed by a belt (one more reason I don't drive - no car maintenance but this isn't the time for that either). So I'm drinking Rose from the bottle, making the pie I was going to make this weekend for Ms J, her beau and X and wondering what cosmically happened today.
Bottom line if you hear really loud sobbing and Lady Antebellum from the East side of town just leave me be - I'll be okay - seriously.
Did I mention I miss him? Did I mention CW thinks that the only way he can make it up to me is with this:
Funny girl - though I might really like that - I would much much rather just be able to wake up next to him tomorrow and every day after that if I had my way.
Just because I am not single doesn't mean that I don't still have man issues. Not X issues and even if I did we have agreed not to blog our relationship problems... whatever, not the point.
BB is the point. He posted on FB this week, that he up and moving. I knew this day would come, boy has roots as deep as a azalea in this city. I know he wants to be any where but here. That being said while he loves another major city in this part of the world I doubt that it's going to fill the void. So I sent him off with my best wishes that he finds what he's searching for - maybe he'll find a shrink along the way too. I mean that with with care - I know it sounds bitchy, but I've been there - you can run all you want, if the shit is in your head, it's not going to help you one bit. I really do wish I could have helped the guy out but there was just no way to do that and not end up with a bloody mess on my hands. As for the whole no more free coffee, it's probably a good thing for me, my waistline and well me - I was tired of feeling like I was cheating on BB with X. Yes you read that right - I had a relationship with my barista while I am in a relationship with X. I felt like BB was hoping the next free latte would be the one to send me over the counter and into his arms... oh honey, if it was a JJ Bean latte maybe.
AL: Well he pops in and out of my life. Look maybe I'm just too damn civil, or maybe FB allows men I'm vaguely friends with to comment and reappear in my life I don't know. I find it unnerving. It's like AB knows not to comment, not to talk to me. I might BBM AB once every 6 months to make sure he's alive but I normally comes down to a few terse answers back and forth and fizzles out. Well AL I think just bugs the bajeebers out of me due to our history - the more I look at the more I feel like I was being seduced for a pity something. To ask me on a date on the heels of knowing your friend and I got very whatever and he's intent on breaking my heart because he's a man child seems cold, calculated and oh ya who you are - Mr. Serial Cheater.
Aside: So reading through my old blogs I realize I have lost my writers mojo - happiness and writing do not mix - and now Virginia Woolf makes even more sense to me - you've got to be repressed, bitchy and drinking far more then you should and off the hormone pills to for that matter to get the kind of kicky, snarky and aptly observed stuff out there. So now the time has come for me to find another source, or just to switch to drinking and blogging.
I mentioned a few blogs back that I have things I would like to say as the new town whore of the FB group I am questioning myself for being a part of.
My first piece of advice - Date. Sounds bizarre to some but I was raised in a culture that said date only for marriage. I agree with the idea - don't date a douche you see no future with... however, this idea has been socially translated into, date ONE person, as in THE ONE. There apparently is no room for error, no room for coffee dates with men who you haven't made your BFF or background checked via the CIA or what have you. Yes there is this crazy belief that because you should only date for marriage that dating in and of itself is sinful or indulgent.
Actually it's incredibly practical.
1. It teaches socialization - the same skills you have to harness for a date with a relative stranger are the same ones you have to harness for job interviews, meeting new people in general, company events, meeting parents and the list goes on. Yes you are not going to go on to kiss your interviewer, company representative or future in laws, but you are going to start in the same place with all of them - positive not too personal small talk. You learn how to with confidence stick out your hand and say Hi my name is SP, it's nice to meet you....
2. It teaches you want is important to you. I could tell you that I love books, but you already know that. But you know what? I REALLY love books. BV didn't like to read. I found that out and the conversations started to fumble. They fumbled even more when I found out he was apathetic about his incredibly cool sounding job. You can love your God/gods all you want but if you are a bummer to be around then I'm sorry that is not enough. I hear women say it's a turn on to have a man who loves God. You know what? It isn't really - a man who knows what he believes and is passionate about EVERYTHING in his life is a turn on. And by passionate, I do not mean off the walls happy, but genuinely interested/invested/knowledgeable etc.
3. It teaches you that you are worthy. In dating I found I learned the key phrase - I am worthy of more than this. Yes I was able to say that early into AB and my relationship and ignored it, but if you say it enough, it's the dull blade that frays the relationship cords. You break a relationship slow and rough like that and you end up with two adults who go on without each other, rather than the yo yoing that happens when you cannot say those words.
4. It refines your gay-dar and your general understanding of chemistry. You might be BFF's. But I will tell you stand across from someone you don't know at a party and find yourself feeling that I must talk to this person, get to know them etc. Now go look at the BFF. Doesn't matter that you've devoted all this time getting to make sure he's the right one to date - if you don't have the juice to make the reactions work, it doesn't matter. Seriously. If you fight me on this, let me direct you to CEF.
I believe that's the saying... I confess I will likely fail at keeping my promise to keep blogging in the next little while.
My bestie Ms. J has a brand spanking new hip and as such I'm going to be spending my next few days sneaking food into her, watching movies and giggling about the hot doctors (there better be hot doctors). As such I won't be here.
And when I'm not here I'm going to be studying for the GRE again - good gracious I thought I dodged that bullet, *le sigh.* X and I started talking about the future - not like that kind of future but sort of - it's the even more challenging and complicated future.
See I like to plan, but in recent years I've beat down the planner in me so much that I think I'm afraid of planning. I'm afraid of saying yes to things - of quite frankly dreaming. I feel like when I get into dreamer/planning mode I forget the present, I forget my commonsense, and I find that the world I try to dream/plan into existence is founded nowhere in reality. In the end I guess the more I dig into this relationship and my future the more I realize just how damn burned I am/was by the whole CEF process. Some moments I find it's like realizing not only a scar I wasn't aware of but a whole abscessing wound. And then there are things that I thought I was afraid of that I really never was... *le sigh times deux*
X and I got into two little arguments if you will call them that last night - one about the cost of his graduation shirt - apparently he's neglected the part of growing up where dress shirts aren't found on the sale rack at the Gap, they cost money because you're an adult and looking like a schlumpy 19 year old is not acceptable at 30+. But we'll discuss that later. The other one was why am I doing two years of seminary, when seminary is ultimately just a middle man/point for my MA. Good question. One that actually didn't really sink in until this morning.
I'm not sure. I think when I set out to do my two years I was in a completely different place - I was single and I was (still am) really happy with the way things are here community and friend wise. When I became unsingle I didn't see the point in rushing off to apply anywhere. I don't plan on moving to be with X unless we are married - plain and simple. It's a huge move, it's a lot of paperwork and it's not going to be for us just to try things out. X agrees but thinks I should just apply in his general area - so we are close but not living together. Here is the sticky thing. The schools I want are on the West coast... they all require the GRE and I'm feeling royally overwhelmed.
I know this all doesn't really make sense. I guess what I mean is I understand that the most practical option is for me to apply for MA programs this Fall, but I think I'm just scared out of my gourd for that whole process. I once was a jump and deal with it girl, now I'm one who realizes that there are still open wounds from the last time I did that.
I have a very busy past few days and this week and the next few weeks at that will be very busy. But I promise to stay around for even short moments.
So X was in town this weekend, and the weather cooperated, sort of. It was definitely whirlwind - I tried to make sure it wasn't crazy busy - we didn't do any sites like the MOA or Aquarium etc, but we did manage to find the days full and passing by too quickly. I will give all the gushing details later, right now I have a case of the sads along with a case of the WTF is going on outside weatherwise and gah it's Monday, and well all those combined along with a still angry tummy about it's heavy inadvertant dosing of gluten will result in crying at my desk. Crying in public is something I'm trying avoid after yesterday.
Moving on Ms J gets a brand spanking new possibly pink (secretly praying it's pink) hip on Wednesday. So excited for her to be back kicking asses and taking names or whatever she normally does but can't do right now because she still cannot quite fire her delinquint hip bone. So thank goodness I have that to look forward to - that woman will keep me sane in these moments.
Anyways, life moves on, so I'm going to offer these lovely songs for you - the first artist cd was from X and the second we share a love for - they have two songs on their newest album that always make me think of X (and I am still looking for these ones online...) and last but not least what I felt asleep thanks only to Gravol yesterday as I clutched his tshirt... okay so that made me sound worse than it is... seriously I'm in one piece
I would like the world to know I had intended to do something with this weekend, like blog for the upcoming week for my running/gluten free food blog - but alas, I'm starting to see double of things from my lovely migraine. Right now the concoction of pills and baked potato chips (minimize the nausea) aren't doing much other than putting a dent in the pain... So on that note, something a little more cheery - and no this is not how I feel about X - well yes and no *wink*. . .
Balance is something I've never been good at. Really, and truly I almost always fail at it - falling under or over a target.
X and I have been struggling with this, more so I have been struggling with it. Feeling like I can't find the right speed for anything - the physical, the emotional, the relational. I know there is no perfect, no right moment for anything - or "right" speed. Some people find themselves in relationships going the speed of light towards marriage and babies and are at complete peace - and no I'm not referencing Katie and Tom and that shitastic thing. But I think we all know those people. And others, they take a long time to even say I love you, never mind settle. I keep trying to remind myself that we all have a speed, and you can like in driving slow down. You cannot necessarily retrace your steps but you can try to work through them again.
I've been asked if he's the one. I don't know - I am beginning to realize just how much my relationship with CEF scarred and scared me in the whole serious dating business. AB was well AB and most of my big indiscretions there came via alcohol - except thankfully or not thankfully when it came to us having sex. Funny enough the fooling around was done while various stages of intoxicated, the sex, completely sober. Hmmm. Well enough unpacking of that. Back to CEF - X is not the same - but the fear is still there... guess life itself is going to have to work through that fear with me.
