Well...

I pointed out DD to KAB in service on Sunday to which she responded:

And I get it. He's bearded and he's changed a lot since I crushed hard on his Meno artistic self. I mean whoever knew a man rocking on an organ would have been a turn on to my 20 something self? It was probably the self assurance and not the man himself that captured my attention then and now I don't need that - I have that myself.

I'm totally relieved to know that he does nothing for me - one less thread hanging out there. Every man bridge has been burned, and for all the right reasons.

In all this though I have wondered, looking at my female pastor peers - they're all single. It's a tough gig in and of itself, and it's a whole other level of difficult to find a man who's excited to join you in it for you and not what you can add to them or their ministry. For that reason I've actually decided to not join the ranks of the online dating world again for at least the next year.  I need to know a little better where this ship is sailing, whether it's here or the next province over or a country away... we'll see but I'm good with this. I'm happy to date, and I might even just start asking out men for the hell of it - have to find some men first but while I wait for them I'm happy to start some scandal and date the ladies in my life because well:

I Hope You Know You're Playing this Game With Yourself...

And it seems to be called let's see how big a pile of NLLL'ery I can create and then live in.

AE went to drop off the book in question and found despite the scheduling that he was unavailable and she wasn't interested (and nor should she be) in hanging around until he was free so that I could get the bracelet and etc back, which was the main part of his hissy fit.

Oh dude, this whole business of control is:

Seriously:

And even T-Swizzle the Queen of your kind agrees.

Again - I know you think this is all about you, and your life, and your dreams and your heart and your  guilt and on and on and on, but please:

And yes I will say that I did want you bad but you know what's awesome - there is a little Queen B in all of us who just needs friends to show us how much better we are and how fierce we can be on a dance floor.

And again dude, this is a wreck of your own making right from the beginning, check it, seriously because you're going to be the one needlessly suffering.

And on the last note the song that had me almost busting out some kicks and jazz hands at the bus stop this morning:

And on that note there is a name change - NLLL-EB or NB from henceforth

Update: NB claims that AE screwed up and that she should have interrupted his meeting or called before getting there despite my confirmation that 11 today was fine. NLLL-NLLLing-NLLL dude.

Well I Was Wrong

I am so smily

I am so thankful that I went on that first date

And I know that confuses everyone and hell it still confuses me

For all the reasons I can list and at the same time, I'm not confused.*

So while I try to unpack my brain here are some thoughts - so Sunday he texted me after I had tried so hard not to be the daily text-er (I've had a bit of a challenge getting off the texting habits X and I developed) so last night when he asked if I was actually going to go to bed early or if I might be free I jumped at the invitation since I hadn't seen him in a week. We ended up watching a movie at his place since I was unable to seduce him with the idea of huddling over my laptop at my place. Whatever the case was at least we were without the uncomfortable chaperone armrest from the movie theatre and then when it was over, well, I'm a lady or I try to be and so I'm going to coy in suggesting that I'm not telling because there was something or a prolonged something to tell.

Pfft who am I kidding, as I told Ms J we made out like horny church kids, when actually we were a little more appropriate than that because anyone who is a youth worker knows that horny church kids are 90% likely to be popping out surprise babies the way they "make out." So this might prove problematic for him and I as I am not permitted regardless of how I may feel about relations (and I am not suggesting he and I are there yet) to go that far. So we might need to find more group activities. But not quite yet I'm enjoying this, so everyone deal with it.

So no problems now with him touching me...

I stumbled into my door at midnight and I've been trying to unpack things and by the way I may be truly mainlining the coffee this week - SO TIRED now but SO GOOD

*Also known as I've lost my mind

First Date-Date Since Well A Long Time

And I have zero interest in the guy

*winces*

Yes, I know I am horrible human. But here's the deal, he offered to pay and I offered to look cute/sexy/whatever I might look like, smile and laugh where needed and in general try and not be lame.

That's it and after tomorrow we'll be able to part with no chemistry and our 15 year age difference and go our merry ways.

Only to be followed by my next date-date a week later with someone else I'm also not interested in.

*winces again*

I keep hoping one of these times I'll actually find someone I am interested in. Someone who isn't a whole lot older than I am or someone who isn't probably (per his profile) crazy conservative in weird ways I'm not okay with and probably won't be okay with some of my life choices...

So why?

Well I'm tired of routinely being told I can do better, that I need to find someone cuter and funnier and smarter than the men I'm matched with - you know I know that, I know I am picky and I don't have any desire to settle BUT I've also gone 3 years without a sniff of a date. The first year or so *cough* two years *cough* I was fine with that, I was still getting over X but now, now I need to get cracking on this actual dating scene business and I can only do that truly through possibly really awkward NLLL horrible dates. And what are you complaining about, you're not the one wearing stilettos and Spanx and one of Victoria's Secret helpers? No you get to eat your ice cream and wear your pj's like I'm going to want to tomorrow and then you can read all about the sordid details.

You totally win.

But while you're winning I'm going to be in the trenches trying to find someone to battle the rest of this life with or at least the contents of a great and painfully awkward book.

THIS is likely what tomorrow will look like

On the note of being single our resident sound track to my life lady:

Okay, so you may want to sit down

I joined eHarmony, not just the free communication weekend during a time when my roommate has paid so I can see the guys we are mutually matched with, the real deal, put my money where my picky heart is

AND

 

It is a bigger disaster than I could have imagined.

Seriously I thought Christian Mingle was a disaster but this is a disaster on a whole other level. Yes on CM I couldn't fend of the crazy men who in their 60's were messaging me or the vastly under-educated,*  but now I have EH people telling me that my most awesome match is a Christian douche bag who is looking for a Stepford wife with a secret penchant for kinky sex.** Sure I check every morning and every morning I am relieved that I have chosen to look at my matches on an empty stomach given my often violent recoil.

For example EH recommend you list your Top 5 things you cannot live without (AND BE CREATIVE - ie. don't say water, air etc), so if we remember back to January I found that everyone I was matched with placed their iphone, job and computer in their top 5 and now I've whip-lashed to this:
Jesus Christ & The Bible

Family

Serving The Lord (Spreading the Gospel)

Fellowship with Christians

Nature

This particular man also puts the Bible as the best recent book he's read. You know what dude, that's swell, but I wouldn't put it in the fiction books you've read for one and two seriously? You and I are not going to go over well when I drag you into every bookstore imaginable. (So this is where X is going to be litmus test for these men - he found bookstores and stood and waited patiently while I might have moaned suggestively or did this at all the amazing random titles and first editions).

You know what I am picky, but dammit I am going to be hitched to this person for the rest of my life and I am hoping that life has some serious longevity. I'm not a proselytizing stepford wife or a Barbie doll and I cannot imagine how they could think it exists. A woman at 30+, unless she has been living with her parents has an education (academic or life or both) she's had to figure out her NLLL, she's had to pay some kind of bills (cue: Destiny's Child or Mr Neyo), if she's sane enough for marriage she has not been sitting on her laurels, behind or even standing still for that matter, she's been travelling, making friends, figuring out what she likes and doesn't like and for the record other EH dude, sushi is AMAZE-BALLS (and gluten free) so step off.

So this is the beginning of the EH rants - I hope to keep them down to once a week and not veer them too far into the world of crazy evangelical Christianity because you and I don't want to have a glossary with this all.

* I have absolutely no issue with dating or marrying a man without a formal education granted that he is still intelligent. I cannot imagine spending my life with someone who has no desire to read, or understand current events (or even know the difference between Egypt and Iran) or able to engage with me on any level other than "hey baby *grunt*...

**Who knows maybe I might be down the kinky HOWEVER, only when it is a mutual decision and not out of some perverse belief my husband has that "x" is his right (at work so I cannot link the very NSFW info from Mark Driscoll's marriage book, but feel free to Google that if you have eye ball bleach on hand)

A little update

I've wanted to sit down and write a post so many times and either bailed because I was tired or I had a drink or feeling overly sentimental... well tonight I might have done or be all those things but alas here I am, writing.

I sat down with my therapist for the first time in like 8 months - made me realize that I need to see her more often... *sigh* we didn't even getting to the whole I'm avoiding dating while being thankful there isn't anyone I want to date and I still have feelings for X while knowing that those feelings are not really those kinds of feelings, just the you're awesome and safe and you're the hole I want to bury myself in but I know that isn't ideal for either of us, because I know somewhere in me, that at the end of the day that isn't the kind of relationship either of us wants or needs - maybe those feelings radically change one day, but for now it isn't there.

Nor is the situation with DD - walking past his place on a semi frequent basis (which JS claims is stalking, I disagree as regardless of the route I would be in his hood) but whatever, it has made me realize that even if for some reason we were to collide one of these morning while I am "glowing" sans makeup and with bed head in a bun I wouldn't care. Sure I might be flustered, but I'm not interested in playing the let me be cute game. Quite frankly if anything I am trying to let whatever this is be the process by which I once and for all put it all behind me because the reality is our social circles will likely collide and when they do I want to have found a way to have collect my NLLL, even cleaned, organized and stored it away if possible.

As for whether I suck it up and do an online dating option, right now I just cannot, it feels too objectifying which I know is a me thing and not necessarily the format of the service. I guess I'm just going to stay where I am at with that until my therapist holds my feet to the fire and then I guess I'll just have to pick a guy I know who will be the most compassionate... ya that will work swimmingly I can just see it now.

Yep that is about it - other than trying to sleep, my exhaustion is limiting that ironically and working... lots and lots of working, and reading - thankfully or not so thankfully my job affords me a lot of time on the weekend to read, so much so that it is my hope that I can finish my reading list and consider posting a similar photo as this one in our school directory.

Online Dating, I hate you.

I have opted to try out EH, and after it took 45 minutes of my life I will never get back filling out its survey, I seriously wondered if all the laughing at its stupidity would outweight the annoyance of it all.

For a moment it did.

Then I received my matches and realized that I filled out my application as my narcassistic personality or maybe I am crazily concerned about getting ahead, being obsessed about work and my body... because that's who I was matched with. I seriously considered re-filling it all out in the hopes I would find someone who is not going to be horrified when they find out I am a student basically living below the poverty line. But I decided to just ignore it - bad idea. I didn't check in for 3 days because I didn't want to deal with the stupid decision I had made, but I figured last night I should check, as my roommate who had also signed up was getting the same matches and we wanted to compare. I had 55 matches... and had a minor panic attack. So we laughed our way through them and in all those found 1 possible match.  I have come to the realization I'm picky, really picky on a superficial level.

Here were some of the deal breakers.

Poor basic spelling/grammar. Look I know that my grammar is horrible, BUT I am familiar with spell check and understand the value of capitalization. I am not a fan of the lower case i or spelling words like can't as cant. Cant is not a word, can't is a contraction and cannot is the full version.

Listing in the 5 things you could not live without all of the following, even worse if it's a combination:
TV
Laptop/computer
iPhone/Blackberry
Gym
Work/Career

I'm sorry, but you can live without those, and while I give you kuddos for being honest. How about friends, family even Fido...

EH also has questions that you can be asked which I hate with a passion - they're either complex questions that I am sure have some purpose but I ridiculously complex, like do you support abortion. They give you 140 characters to answer - there isn't space for yes as I support choice and no as I wouldn't chose that myself under normal circumstances. Or do you believe in hell. Well first theologically there is no support for a flaming Dante-esque, so what does hell look like? And then where are we coming from - predestination, double predestination etc. in other words I'm not going to give you a simple answer...

Or they have questions like do blue and yellow make green. REALLY?? Well I know who not to ask to make the icing green when we only have blue and yellow in the house...

I will keep ya'll updated - so far it's just an animator - but it's a slim hope since some of his questions to complex questions had simple answers opposite to my choice. So I'm not holding my breath.

Frankly all this makes me miss X more but alas that feeling needs to go somewhere else quickly.

Dating, shmating...

I have decided that I have zero sound judgment left when it comes to dating, hell I've been considering asking out the Douche. To even consider is evidence enough that while I'm not in the active dating circuit (as evidenced by my lack of dates), I best not enter it any time soon.

That being said, I am aware that I have lost my sound judgment, I also feel like this is where I will have to start when I restart the looking process.

I am also tempted to say that I might consider another dating site in the future, a paid one this time in the hopes of ensuring that as I agree with Ms. Amy that I do not end up the dregs in the pool again.  So there you have it, in the season of mistletoe and booze, I'm pulling myself out of the line-up.

Cruel and Unusual

I have to say that the whole construction of the sinuses/sense of smell being wired direct to the brain is really unfair.  Why?  Well despite the lovely memories that it can bring back, it can also bring back annoying ones.  Case in point, last night home from work on a jam packed express bus.  Full bus, flesh to flesh, and the dude I am fusing backs with smells like AB.  I know he has a common scent, but it isn't that common.  I can't tell you how frustrating it is to be wedged up against someone who is unbeknown to them bringing back a flood of memories.  Though on the positive side of things, it hasn't made me want to text him, nor has it motivated me any faster to finishing off that online profile.  Maybe I am not all that interested in dating at the moment, or just not interested in what I see.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/steviebm/128505869/sizes/m/in/photostream/

Reposting...

I posted this blog another lifetime ago, and yet it completely feels relevant again...sigh....

I feel the only thing I'm getting out of this experience is a really good how to book for men - how to pick a username that doesn't scare me - like in the way you could be a WoW playing (all the time), Internet stalker, still live with my mother or even axe-murdering freak. So here are the suggestions.

1. Don't pick a name like MrSensual, Uncle___ (there have been a few of those), WILDHOGMAN, ezeymoney and I could go on - these are real - check them out if you don't believe me.  Recently huggybear seems to be a common option. Dude that says "I like children in morally inappropriate ways" instead of I like to give you a hug at the end of a hard day.

2. DON'T TYPE IN CAPITALS - it translates as yelling, simple, apparently not.

3. Spell chekc - yes, while I typed that incorrectly on purpose - use your spell check, I'm not a gril, you aren't going to go threw life with me

4. Pictures - they are the source of your success and your downfall - variety works, and even better recent - saw one this morning that looks like it has to be at least 15 years old from the discoloration. So here's a little insight into my life when I'm really bored and have a digital camera - I do my hair and make-up like it counts not the everyday when I go to work look- and then in the natural light take as many head shots as I need to get one that works - let that be your profile picture and save the Halloween shots, the up the nose shots and all the other stuff for your Myspace page. Can't do it yourself - get a friend and just keep doing it.

5. Don't write a profile you think we want to read because if you are still single at 50 - you haven't figured women out - saying you're sensual, that you're a softy, a ___, may work for a small number of women. But for the most part it brings to mind the picture of the overly friendly male that no one wants to get to know - the one that is always obnoxiously flirting with every woman in the room - like he's got no self control or self respect.

6. Your future mate is a person -they aren't a Barbie doll, or a made to order specimen - know that they have faults - mine most prevalently is some of my language (oops) - but that being said if you are going to be a Mr. I Play the Guitar and pull some __ out about how you have to have a pastor's wife - then put that out there right away so I can laugh at your profile and move on.

7. Know that she's out there - keep your backbone and your whits about you - don't play the victim card - it's a huge turn off.

8. I don't care about your job, seriously as long as it's legal - that is. So don't go putting your job title in the first two lines of your profile - that is unless you want someone who cares about wealth and status...

9. Don't play games with me - I'm learning pretty fast how this thing all goes down - interested that's great, not lets move on - I've got too much shit in my life to add one more person who's not interested to the mix. And there we go with the poor choice use of words.

*Sigh*

Paper is kicking my ass, I'm exhausted from life and I more than want sleep, I need it.  But oh well. So yes we will be ever slowly progressing forward on the whole signing up business, now that it has been suggested that I just suck it up and use my Twitter identity, since my Tweets are for the majority intentionally vague.  You know I will say some days I feel like I'm in the witness protection program or something and that one small slip up with come back to haunt me.  Now I know those who don't know CEF think I'm crazy, and those who do wonder why I haven't made other actions.  For me it's a fine balance of having someone else keep an eye on his location and general status (we have a mutual friend who vaguely keeps me updated - her choice not mine) and I do everything I can not to pop up on his radar in any way shape or form, and the rest I control by limiting his ability to find me in any location.  So given all that I will say that all the sh*t associated with CEF is not reflective of online meeting/dating or men in general.  No rather it is reflective of a man like Othello and Leontes (damn paper) who chooses to view women as the source of all evil in the world, instead of looking at himself.  And because he sees women that way it affects his actions... so on and so forth and yadda yadda.

So all that's left for me is to pick some pictures from Ms. J's Flickr and go forth into the gray and murky yonder.

Nominated!

N nominated me to try out the only "matching" site we've collectively as a building not tried (lots of single "motivated" women around these parts.  Of course the minute she suggested that I was trying to figure out how many weeks of running (tanning, primping) it would take before I felt like dating... Let's me honest, it's hard, it's something you feel rusty about.

Soooo... I am notiminating everyone else to help me.  That's right you're all going down the rabbit hole of this with me - I need to ensure I have people watching the process.  At this point I've picked the site (inferred above).

I need a: "screen name" and SnP is not a choice option.  I had considered my Twitter account - but then that is well too traceable.  Let me put it this way, I am drawing lines here and now - my personal email, my phone number, Twitter, blogs and Facebook are all not going to shared if I can help it.  It is as simple as that.  I had to shut down and reorganize my life after CEF, a girl only needs to do that once in her life.

Proposed bio (edited from my "About Me" page which disappeared when I reformatted the blog):

I love: stilettos
I keep: Vodka in the freezer and a Bible in my purse
I read: The Economist and Chaucer
I run: for GF brownies and marathon bliss black toes
I eat: vegan food when I can
I sing to: female singer-songwriters
I sniff: flowers and used books

I know Ms. J will think I'm on something - but here's the deal, this is a complete gamble and something I am deciding if I do is something I'm going to be a relaxed about it as I can.  So feedback would be great.