How Desperate Are You?

I am beginning to think the relationship game is really fuelled by desperation. More specifically our male peers have settled on the belief that the woman they need to settle with is a woman they can live with and she cannot live without them.  That is not relationship - that's a recipe for infidelity, jealously and bitterness. 

Who are we kidding?  Why do we let ourselves get into this game?  We all know in the end he never stays with us and always goes back or on to that kind of woman.  I want a man who thinks I'm beyond him.  Not in the sense that he thinks I am too good for him - but I think our partners in life, should have the same qualities as our best friendships.  Note I did not say they should be our best friend - I think that is a bizarre idea - marrying your bff.  If that was the goal - Ms. J and I would have shacked up a long time ago - but we haven't because love is not like that - it's not the stuff of bf friendships - though yes it has some of the qualities.  One such quality is admiration/awe/challenge for example Ms. J and well JS and N too - are kick ass, take no prisoners women in their own rights.  I love that in a man - a sense of I know who I am, I know what is awesome and I am going to pursue that - because more often than not - it is completely unlike what I want or feel comfortable with.

Take X for example - he sings and plays music, he speaks other languages - he has this something, I don't know what it is, that despite his worries and insecurities he keeps going and he pushes those around him on to that in his own way.   I think one of the best qualities of a man is having a no-one left behind philosophy about something/someone(s).  A man who can actively in one way or another uplift the people around him - that is a man who has my attention - that is unique - that is a diamond.

I have spent some time in this last little while especially after the quick bitter sampling of DirectoryBoy to know that my next year and a half of graduate school is not about dating - but rather it is about something more.  Oddly it's about seeing what I do want and what I don't want - and that is best done by watching.  And while I'm keeping my eye on the goings on - I'm going to be researching PhD programs - which it seems is going to be ridiculously hard given the area of interest I have - my masters thesis is going to have to be kick ass for me to find the right someone. But I'm ready. The only thing I'm desperate for is a future I feel compelled to be in.

There Is Some Tom Foolery Happening a Few Time Zones Over

Okay so I have decided to leave Directory Boy alone for one reason and one reason alone - he's sneaking around.  His main harem lady has been posting and deleting FB statuses from his home town - and now I know that sounds like I'm stalking - I'm seriously not - this is the one time the FB feed is doing the hard work for me.  I was not particularly surprised to see she had gone home with him since her family is far far away and he has a big clan so why not collect up a hot lost soul during the Christmas break, BUT deleting your FB and playing coy when the discussion of where you are is coming up as we're all trying to come up with NYE plans (I've since decided to stay home or make some money).  Sorry but we're adults - every last one of us signed up for that when we left high school - and these too both have professional degrees to boot.  So what's with the sneaky sneaky?  I mean when you're attached at the hip in class and everyone already thinks you're dating wouldn't you - one clear the air or two just make it public get a cute picture of the two of you walking the dog - I mean you felt you could say that on FB for all of 5 minutes, so who has the cold feet?

Either he is being a tool and being all coy or he is a fool and she's playing him for all she can get - which if we're being honest here ain't much - there are no benefits to be had unless these two are looking for a quick exit from the program - never mind from what he is hunting for via his FB messages to me - I know he likely considers me the loose and wild kind of woman - you can stop snickering JS at the idea of me being a wild/loose woman. I didn't say the boy was sane, just that he's hot.

Oh one more note before I lay this to rest - I did a little Googling on the DirectoryBoy seems he's pretty settled where he was before - which actually in and of itself completely crosses him off the list - I am not going through any long distance business again - X was worth it, this guy is not.

Harems

After meeting with JS last weekend to catch up, I decided that I needed to add Delivery Boy's main groupie.  It's funny adding people on FB who in "real life" will not acknowledge you - I frankly do not understand it.   After a group study event last night I realized that Delivery Boy has more than just one very protective groupie, he has a harem, or maybe more accurately a protection detail, because as much as they dote on him they're vicious to any "outside female."  Now let's review - we are all adults, this is not high school.  So going and getting your knickers in a knot if I talk to a man who is not yours -and quite frankly even if he was, it shouldn't mean that he is no longer permitted to be civil to his female peers.


So let's review here shall we - Directory Boy is a 32 y.o. man with a good education and he yet he's got a harem going on - it makes me seriously wonder about his security level - there is something going on.  I don't know what it is right now - I will keep you up to date.  Now to finish my paper.

Love Me For Me

Directory boy and I have still been messaging - but every time I send a message,  I remember that this song reflects my life - there are those who stay and there are those who run.   And while I have been very intentional in keeping my personal story for face to face conversation.   I am reminded that X loves me regardless of me and my story- and I know that if we aren't meant to be in the grand scheme of things, the thing I question more than all that is if I am prepared to go through the process again of walking someone through loving me.  I almost feel like instead of this blog I need to start writing a book on how to love someone who has been broken by life. All our stories are unique but there are definitely some days where I just want to say to everyone - man and woman - yes I have dark uglies in my life, but they have names (abuse, rape, mental illness) and they know their place (submission - they don't control my life) - so what's it to you - why does it mean you can't like me or love me?  All of the things that have broken me did not happen to you - they are not yours to carry - so if you liked me or loved me before you knew why have you stopped?

I may just have found my book topic after all these years - wow was not expecting to stumble across it while studying for my OT final - I wonder if that means I need to give my prof credit.

First Semester of Graduate School Finals Have Arrived...

So while I'm away frying the last of what remains still functional in my brain I leave you with the following.  A little background - our TA's for one of my classes in an attempt to remind us that while the end is nigh and it's not nice, we still need to laugh.  In their words - sometimes you've just got to be like the monkey.  In considering it further I don't know if that's a great word of encouragement or not - but the video makes me laugh - so maybe it all just comes out even in the end.

Sweet Mother of Baby Jebus

Directory Boy it turns out is my Mr. Perfect on Paper in flesh.  Now before y'all get upset - let me explain. Back in high school and well my undergrad - I had this mental list of MR. OMG HE'S PERFECT (squeeee!!) - the man of my dreams if I could assemble him, who quite frankly for everyone's sake, especially mine, should never become flesh.  Last night I found out that Directory Boy was/is my list man - kind of makes him unattractive now.

Hold up! Say what?!

Well here is the thing - aside from the apparent sureness of him being off the market - I don't know if I can wrap my brain around there being that person - because it comes with baggage.  The kind labelled with false expectations.  All the perfect ginger doctor hair in the world will never actually be perfect.   I am aware this all sort of sounds like a mash up of bipolar and pessimistic rantings - but such as they are - it is not to say that when I went to sleep last night I wasn't giggling.  I was, about how this is not what I expected - kind of funny wishing you could have a chat with your younger self and wondering if the list could have been longer or weirder just to avoid this moment - who would have thought -MR. OMG HE'S PERFECT wouldn't be so perfect in reality. 

Two Weeks Left

I have two weeks left in my first semester at graduate school  and so I've decided to shelve Directory Boy.  See I have two problems  - one I still love X and feel very attached to him though yes I know that because of the way things are that I need to still love him but move on with my life and the second is DBoy and I do not have the same group of friends - funny as that may sound given how small our program is.  We all know and speak to each other but due to our classes and study groups DBoy and I do not "run in the same circles" as such our daily interaction comes down to a "Hey."  As enthusiastic as it might be - it's just a hey and then we go our separate ways.  So basically if either of us wants more than a hey we have to make it work.  Good in theory - put his feet to the flame - but it also comes with serious complications of such a small program - to go out of your way to get to know someone will make waves and potentially put you in a situation where you just wanted to be friends and now everyone thinks it's a big deal - let's start planning your life - kind of big deal.


Oh well - how about we consider the following:

Oh for F-Sake

I swore I would never be that girl - never really have been in the last 3 years or honestly since high school - the avoider.  Sure I might be able to crush Directory Boy in a heartbeat but he's obviously got some kind of temporary kryptonite hold on me.  You know what - that makes me angry, frustrated and not in the good kind of way - well maybe in that way too.  It made me jealous today.  Good grief - the world is officially coming to an end.  I have really lost my sh*t.  Sorry folks - but I feel that if I document this, when I am drooling over myself in medical facility at least you will know that graduate school brought me to the brink and Directory Boy pushed me over.

While not an entirely accurate song - I do like it and it sort of works, I think - the L word though definitely doesn't apply.

Oops

Okay so what started as a simple FB question has morphed into an essay-a-thon with Directory Boy.  A boy I might add that I've spoken to for all of like 10 minutes in person - knows like a date or two date's worth of information from me over FB.  I've kept it as light and fluffy as there is no sense getting into anything he can't just ask me in person.  I cannot say that it's do anything for him though - he seems sweet but he's the kind of man we (I or any of my female friends) could eat for breakfast, post coffee intake.  We aren't mean, we aren't b*tches, we're just well strong willed.  I need a man with backbone and an ability to handle my me-ness. X could totally do this - Directory Boy as it stands sure as hell has only his abs going for him... hmpf.

I May Have Shamelessly Offered My Cooking to Directory Boy

Okay so housekeeping first - Directory Boy needs a better initial set up because DB is already taken on the list.  So just a note, so it doesn't confuse y'all we'll call him by his full name for now.

So while we might cross off him off the list of potentials - and I'm fine with that - I must admit that I did offer him some home cooking.  We just happen to be from the same randomly small ethnic group - and it has some unique-ish food.   I was a little reluctant at first to throw it out there - but I did.  So who knows.  But yep, I've become the woman who shamelessly whores out her cooking in the hopes of snagging a man.  Heck what else can I do, it's not really a program where I can just roll up my kilt, like I could in high school... not that I did that either, kind of smacks of desperation.  Ah who am I kidding offering out non-beet borscht also sort of smacks of that too, without the necessary leg shaving.

Maybe You Can Find a Cutie in the Grocery Store

Yesterday I schlepped off to the grocery store to pick up some food since the shelves around here are getting a little empty.  Of course it was pouring and so regardless of the fact that I needed to shower - I opted to just smack my signature eye liner on and head off - bed head in tow.  Of course this is the day that a cute East side boy with manners would be in the isles of our local market.   Well the good ones are taken for good reasons - and I'm sure he was off the market, or shopping another one all together.  Regardless, I just needed the smile - a remember that while Directory Boy might like them all model looking, that I'm not alone in the whole wide world of single women of respectable and worthy quality.  Heck I live with a woman who should have a line up around the block for her -and she's more single than I am.

So yep - I might have a little pep in my step - so to the boys of this world - smile occasionally, even if you have no intention of dating or even like my gender, it reminds the other half of humanity that there is life out there.

And before I get chewed out for not chatting up the boy - I put an I Saw You on Craigslist acknowledging his manners - if he wants to say hi he can.   But acknowledging good behavior is more important to me right now.

Cross off Directory Boy

BFF wants to keep him on the list - but I am going to be really practical here - he just went surfing on the island with two tall thin athletic gorgeous women.  I would never in a million years try to compete with them.  Hold on I'm not saying I'm chopped liver (seriously stuff kind of tastes okay in pate form), I am me - fabulous but shorter, curvy and athletic.  I'm also realizing not to sell myself as brash, but I'm probably one of the most "worldly" of my graduate school counterparts - I'm not as I stand packaged - or ever will be for that matter, suitable for meekness.  I am more the girl who you avoid getting liquor into because after more than a decade in the health care industry there is no such thing as that's "too personal" for me or the person I'm asking.  Yes I'm trying to change that - but being honest - I think the world needs more people who are okay with their bodies and their crazy lives.   For example, it seems people still get squeamish when I say my parents are divorced.  Divorce happens for a variety of reasons.  My parents are the kind of divorced people who don't like each other - but still think Christmas together is worth a go.  Yes because Christmas when you were married was so bloody successful.   I hope you all see know why it took the last 3 years of no holidays with family to not be a crunchy old fart when this season rolled around.

So bottom line - I have a NLLL load of stuff to do - and I am going to start with re-watching The Silence of the Lambs and before you ask it's for my film class.  I figure if I watch it in the morning, Rachel Getting Married about lunch time and the Philadelphia before bed - crying myself to sleep might actually be therapeutic.  Why I picked a director with such emotional movies for me I have no idea. Seriously I should have picked John Hughes.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/davescunningplan/2681546397/lightbox/

Oh Boy

So the hunt for a husband seems to have started again - not for me, but for my friends on my behalf.  Not so sure but whatever, I've been known to pity date, so why not humor my friends?  So Directory Boy, that's what we'll call him for now, sent me a message on FB yesterday after I commented on his wall.  I had a polite exchange with a friend of his about a video she posted.  Seriously I saw and felt no ruffled feathers - not even remotely - then again I dealt with psycho parents for the last decade so my meter for conflict is probably so busted it isn't funny. So he profusely apologized about her behaviour and didn't want me to be upset. 

Awww, right? No not really.  Why?  Because while I think that manners are gone by the wayside, I do think that a woman needs to know how to defend herself.  I'm not fragile.  Good gracious let's be honest we know some days I'm sure I could out cuss the average male.   I responded as politely as I could without saying that I could in fact out cuss him and he shouldn't be worried about my delicate nature because I'm a tough cookie.  No sense ruining him for someone soft and gentle.  

So that's my little update on him.  Why must all the boys seem so meek?

A Little More Human

I feel a little more like a human - I had dinner with Ms. J last night, I made caramel popcorn for the roommate and I just finished of the first book in the Hunger Games trilogy.  I forgot how much a junky novel makes me feel better.  I know that makes me sound like a lit snob, and I'm sorry, but for me it's an activity I like (reading) where I get to check the analytical part at the door and enjoy the process.

So now that I feel human I'm going to try and do a little update of sorts.  BFF came over on Friday because we opted against a snowy 6 am run and she had a look through our school directory.  A directory that the school jokes is how you hunt down your future spouse.  Well it got handed out on Tuesday and sure enough Wednesday someone had their first encounter post directory. Who? Me?! Yes me, I was actually dumbfounded by the whole thing and slightly embarassed.  But it's not to say I didn't sort of do the same thing on Friday I thrusted the directory at BFF and told her to pick out a husband.  Sure enough she picked the guy who said hi on Wednesday and a good friend of mine.  The friend is no an option because we're just friends.  And as for the mystery man - you now I'm going to say I'm hesitant.  There was a time in my life that a man like him on paper would have sent me over the edge gushing with excitment.  Now - well I'm realizing that in getting older and spending more time with me - getting to figure out what it is to be me - he's not all that appealing.  I cannot be the source of life in the relationship - it is not a role that an intervert can carry with any direction or certainity. At this point he's more interverted than me and that is not winning him any points.

But that's enough of all that - I would like to introduce you to PhD comics - my new source of sad yet funny humor

Exhaustion

I'm at the point in the semester where I think I could sleep for a month and not feel any more human.  That being said I'm trying to give myself a conscious go at the being better to me business because this is still the early stage of the race.

On the upside I bought Christmas cards - I figure if I start now I can actually get them out to all the people I want to.

That's about it - sorry y'all.  I promise I will let you know when something new and exciting happens - like I might be interviewing a cinematographer for my film theology class since he worked with the director I'm writing my long paper on.

Life is Funny

As of Thursday I hadn't seen Mr Beer Man anywhere else on campus and today he's everywhere and he has a real name - not that that matters - he has no FB.  Seriously men, get FB.  It's a necessary recognizance tool.  But whatever - because well I don't have time for him or anyone - even myself it seems.  I finally went for one of the first solo runs of this semester yesterday.  Crazy I know.  I forgot how amazing it feels to just do a 3 mile lung burner - just put it out there and then come home and fling myself in various ways over my BOSU ball.  Sweat is a good thing. Another good thing - new music.  Florence + the Machine and the Fray both have new music.  Thank freaking goodness.  On that update like note - the Fray.  Now back to my regular scheduled program of getting papers done!  Woot me.

Damn You Celiac

It's one of those ask and ye shall sort of receive moments.  I was slaving away in the library last night, and I was trying to find out how to bail on the dinner plans I had agreed to since all I wanted to do was sleep.  But instead I hauled my ass and all my bags down to the local pub.  I being late got shoved on the end of the table - fair enough.  Well actually lucky me - a guy who is apparently in my program, also in his first year (could have fooled me), sat down next to me.  Well this is where I want to curse my inability to drink beer.  He offered to buy a pitcher for us to share (has a Tennessee accent - darn accents...).  I polietely as possible declined ordering my usual Cranberry and Vodka.   He seemingly dejected or unsure, moved along the table when the opportunity arose.

I'm not going to assume anything will come of it since we don't seem to cross paths at all during our classes.  But it makes me wonder - to my few readers out there, how to you negotiate food issues without coming across high maintenence or picky.  It might just be me feeling sensitive, but I don't like being signalled out for something I didn't chose.  When I was a vegan I had no problme with declaring it, but now I feel like it's one more label I'm schleping around with me that gives a guy an excuse not to like me.

In case you're wondering I don't even remember his name - nor does it seem that he has FB, so I can't even stalk him... don't judge I know you've done it too.

Correction

Actually I do want to date - if said date gives me a reason to shave my legs and wear a skirt/dress and heels.  I miss feeling like a lady.  That is all. Seriously who wouldn't want an excuse to wear these gorgeous shoes or something like them - since buying them is obviously not an option...

Lonely

While honestly I'm too tired or hungry or even busy to be lonely, it seems to be the biggest void in my life at the moment.  I feel like in the last two months I've found the insight into why undergrads can have a tendency to shag an entire dorm floor or what have you.  There is a huge need for affirmation - in any form in the chaos, uncertainty and stress.  There is no amount of personal comfort solutions (whatever those might be for you) that fill the void of a snuggle with a man you love and snuggles also mean a relationship and seriously I have zero desire for that.

I will not say that there aren't nice males here -sure there are - but I have no desire to schlep any of them into my love triangle of still loving X and knowing that while I can keep loving him, in doing so prevents me from genuinely loving someone else, and moving on feels like I am closing a door on X and I don't want to do that.  Yes I have myself in a huge pickle.  Let's ignore that pickle for a moment.  Basically I want intimacy and I know I cannot get it anywhere - this is grand!.

So I'm stuck - and I feel like I'm loosing my mojo because of this stress.  If life was a romantic comedy a male from the other side of the library would pass by and well alas I'm not going to finish that statement as that's another pickle and that pickle is in the library and so am I.

Actually correction - I am going to tell you about that pickle since N found it so hilarious she almost fell over with laughter while we were running.   About two weeks ago Sunday, my PU and I were about to sit down when I recognized the Pickle* at the other end of the pew.  We said our hi's and explained and yadda yadda.  Well Pickle was next to a little toddler who sits with her mom in front of us every Sunday (Pickle rents a room from them it turns out).  Well my PU seeing Pickle with a cute little toddler - glommed onto him after the service while I talked to an old middle school friend I hadn't seen in years.  After we left I got a huge run down on Pickle's life - my PU knew more than I had learned in the last two months, and it was a specific list.  Did you know Pickle likes to drink kale smoothies?  No, no I didn't.  I could see that he had sussed out Pickle.  Seriously my father was trying to scooch me off to another man!  Here's the deal - Pickle is nice and all - but we are SO different and beyond that he's younger - much younger.  I am not prepared to apply for my cougar ticket yet, I refuse.  When I saw Pickle in the library after the event I apologized as I was mortified that there might have been some goats or sheep transactions for my hand or something already.  So ya - I'm lonely but fine with not dating... so does not make sense to me.

* Yes I realize this is a rather unfortunate name.

Stress you are stressing me out!

Stress does weird things to me. Namely it NLLL with my food cravings - derailing a weekend worth of work in meal preparation - I cannot stomach any of it and even worse it makes me want to make out with someone - well not just anyone, but someone or a replacement lesser someone, since X is not around.  Just a good snog, nothing more needed, no emotional attachment.  Bizarre yes.  I completely get it's weird but some part of my brain is like if you just could find someone to scratch that itch you'd be able to focus on your Celtic history.  Seriously I know that's the sleep and stress seriously NLLL-ing with me but it's not that I would turn it down.

Good gracious that sounds really desperate - thanks a lot graduate school for making me a horny mess - but thanks graduate school for being so small that I wouldn't be able to return tomorrow if I acted on my brain issues.  That being said if you know where I am and want to hunt me down, I'm good to go, nothing funky for lunch was had, and I'm a habitual gum chewer...

This November Season...

I don't normally talk about anything political, I normally keep things to my self as an act of respect.  But I must be honest, I struggle with Remembrance Day.  I understand that there are many passionately for it - I understand that in many ways and yet in many others I do not.  I am the child of two parents who saw the effect of war as children, as the enemy, we praise men for killing, on behalf of our freedom.  We think it is simple.  We think that wearing a red poppy is a simple act.  It's not.  For me it's an act that says we do not understand.  We do not understand the depth of pain that a bullet has regardless of whose gun it is shot from.  War is not simple.  It is not about sides, it is terrorism on all sides - removing humanity in those who claim to do it for freedom and those they oppose.

I am not saying you should not wear a poppy, but remember those men, like my Opa, who was the enemy, and his children - my mother and her siblings who while in Canada witnessed hate and retribution on the playgrounds and classrooms to the grocery stores.   They are my heritage and they are the reason my parents raised us as pacifists.  My family is the reason I wear a white poppy on Remembrance Day, no blood should be shed in the war games the politicians play.

New Song

I love this song! I love Sara in general and am so cheesed that I missed her in concert - I had tickets but couldn't go for some reason I cannot remember...

Grad School Diet

X was so proud to tell me that the Paeds Resident diet has been working for him.  It might be - it's making the concerned ex-gf in me panic every time I hear about how long he has gone without eating.  But apparently graduate students have their own diet... involving the following:

1. No Alcohol-if you're an unemployment graduate student you may dream about vodka like your on a deserted island without any fresh water, but no dice.  Actually I do have a little residual stock in Ms. J's freezer which I'm keeping there for the sake of rationing.  As an aside I don't have time to be drunk or hung over these days so thus only the dreaming of the booze.

2.  Budget meals - now  I am getting retty savy with the keeping things cheap business but the best meal is a grande Americano misto snuck into the library about 10 - it will keep you going until 6 when the library closes and you're too damn tired to eat when you get home, so you go to sleep. Ta-da it's a version of the residency diet.  You offset your malnutrition with a handful of vitamins and toast in the morning.

3. Fried food - when you do get to eat all you want is to stuff enough comfort carbohydrates down your yap that you will stop dreaming of them (thanks JS for helping me with this last night).

Yep so X might be right - I may just be on track to really shed those Undergraduate pounds while I pack on the debt... as long as the debt isn't on my ass I'm fine with the exchange.

In case you are a graduate student to be - it's not all that bad, actually if you can have gluten and egg whites and all sorts of other things you'll be just fine - the place is swimming with free food, all sorts of free food that would give me an expensive trip to the hospital down the street.

Thanks Ovaries!

According to "reliable sources"(Cosmo et al), you are your most subliminal-y hottest when you're ovulating.  Now, I can seriously say I do not normally agree with anything in Cosmo - it is after all a magazine that survives solely on republishing the same drivel month after after in new forms - all of it preying on our internal Madonna/Whore dichotomy.

Nevertheless - back to my ovaries - apparently they are working right now.  I had some nice eye contact with a handsome man in the Starbucks line - totally a moment.* The one that impressed me more though was as I was on the packed express bus dripping with sweat (our driver dressed in shorts was determined to offset the cold outside - dude it's time for pants).  But of course I had my purse, laptop, e-book reader and a cup of coffee all more or less balanced on my lap.  It doesn't really leave room for the removal of one's jacket.  I did manage to get one arm out but I couldn't seem to navigate the second one.  That is until this extra hand appeared removing my coat.  Manners! In a young man nonetheless! He said, "It looked like you needed help, didn't want you to spill your coffee."  Seriously I could have hugged him - I felt like my thank-you was not enough to convey how refreshing it was to have someone be kind, especially someone of his age and gender.

But back to the at moment.*  The reason I give credit to my ovaries and not my personal awesomeness is well I am a graduate student - and we for the most part do not always look awesome.  I know you can say who am I to generalize.  True. Very true.  But compared to the corporate world - the ladies in the Starbucks line in pencil skirts, lots of leg and heels (gorgeous heels), who am I?  His attention actually made me acutely aware that I feel naked now that I'm not in the corporate world.   I miss my corporate clothes.  I miss the security that came with those high heels and skirts.  Now I'm just the very adult woman trying to figure out the world of skinny jeans and flats.   All that being said, as much as that moment in Starbucks made me uncomfortable, maybe it's an indicator that I'm doing okay in this new world, at least aesthetically speaking - as for grade wise - well that remains to be seen.

Falling for You

All over again - what is it that makes us go back, and back again and back again.  It's the question I keep asking myself when I look around at the men in my new peer group.  I have this reoccurring thought, y'all are not X, so why bother.  Sure this really is not tragic - it is not like I have time to even consider dating.  But the question is then why are X and I just not together.  Well that's a simple yet complicated answer.  I think the bigger question is when do we give ourselves the freedom to move forward when we weren't the one already moving out of the relationship?

I had no problem with CEF or really any other the other guys in my life I had to deal with - I was able to in one way or another rationalize the process - shut the heart down and move on.  Even when I cared and still care for the individual like BI - I was still able to know that we would be friends and that was all - and furthermore that that was okay - that was the best thing for both of us.  I know both of us, BI and I can say that with no doubts - we were and are better as just friends. 

So what happens - how do you shut down your heart when you do not know how to.  I know how to get angry - that's how I dysfunctionally dealt with AB - get mad and burned over a long enough period of time and you eventually get closure - to burn, cut, chafe every thing that bound you two together until you get freedom.   With X I do not want that - I do not want to go down a road of systematically removing him from my life by any means possible.  I still love him - and there is no good reason I have found not to.

Friends have told me that maybe I'll just keep loving him until things work out.  The thing is - I don't think that is right.  Maybe I am wrong.

Dear Children (aka Undergraduates)

Okay, little children I am aware that there really is only about a decade difference in age - but somehow in the last decade I've learned some information you've yet to learn, so let me pass it on to you.

Clothes are a wonderful thing.  Yes I am aware American Apparel has spent the better part of your teen years convincing you that you can really walk around in public like you do.  See the thing is they are selling soft core porn with the benefit of airbrushing.  You, however, live in a northern country not a magazine advertisement.  So could you please consider for the sake of humanity and yourself consider that the following are not wise choices.


No nipples:  I do not need to see yours - I am not talking about what can happen when we're cold - no I mean like I do not need to see the size and color of your nipples.  So this unfortunately means you need to consider a bra.  Yes I know being liberal and educated means no bra in your mind.  Maybe in the 70's this was the correct assumption - this however is no longer a correlated relationship.

This goes for the men too - good gracious and in hopes of all things holy you should never ever EVER wear a chiffon black button up shirt.  And this definitely should not be paired with an epically shoulder padded blazer.

No Hooker Socks:  These are hooker socks. I am aware that Toddlers and Tiaras thinks that bringing Pretty Woman back is a good idea.   I don't think so.  Why?  Because it seems to let you think in the middle of a freezing cold day that you can wear hot pants and hooker socks and that they somehow equal pants.  They don't.  Just put them and the hot pants away for so many reasons I need not explain.

No Tights as Pants:  Tights are NOT pants.  I know there is a delusion that they are - you want to know why they are not.  They stretch.  That means when you bent over in the bus this morning we saw the pattern on your knickers.  For reals.  Also, they get into places no pants would ever enter - to clarify in case you cannot figure this one out.  For the sake of your lady bits do not wear tights - that area is designed to be free of fabric.   No one, not even your partner or your gyne needs to see your camel toe.  There, you happy, I said it.

No Summer Clothes:  I know we get a very short summer and we all think that if we just ignore the rain and the wind that it will be fine.  But seriously I don't want to see your blue toes in muddy flip flops or you squeezed into a romper that would have been questionable on you in your adolescence.

Y'all sweet children are in university now which does not mean that it is time to leave your brain at home and whore yourselves out.  Yes I know you will have classmates who believe that whoring is the way to a good or at least an easy grade.  I hope you also know that universities are worse than high schools for gossip because the professors and TA's do not have to worry about any legal issues in talking about you.  You are no longer a minor.  That means when you have your ass hanging out in that chemistry lab in an attempt to shag a TA someone will find out, or a whole lot of someones.

Another One Bites the Dust

OM got married this weekend.  I'm not going to dwell on my feelings of creepiness at the whole affair and rather just say I'm thankful I didn't once again lose my head and that have been me and more likely, have been invited to the wedding.  I think it's only appropriate that all women who might have dated the groom, or even been awkwardly hugged by him in his unfortunate mom jeans should not be invited to his nuptials.

I cannot say I wasn't a little stung at being still single - don't we all want to get down the isle before someone who snubbed us - especially when there was no damn good reason to be snubbed other than well... I digress, no discussion of creepiness.

I have found myself trying to accept the men around me as fine if they are messy.  I know that sounds weird and let it not be construed as I am caving in desperation.  There is no caving and there is no desperation.  I am just realizing though some may definitely be certifiable, that I need to just deal with their presence in my classes or social circles.  Now that being said, let no single man get any ideas that I have any more pity dates to hand out - BV used my life long allotment.  And really even if for some reason I wanted to do say get out for a evening I would much much rather a night with JS or Ms. J or hell any other woman in my life right now - plus it's almost hockey season - I get all the men I want that way - at a distance, hot and sweaty, playing my favorite sport!

Now for an unrelated song recommendation from X - all about my FAVORITE thing in this world:

One Week Down...

*DEEP CLEANSING BREATH*

This week had left me last night in the fetal positioning, crying.  Well they did warn us it would be difficult and I as usual committed a personal crime by under estimating the initial energy output and not preparing regardless. I had a huge list of little and big things to do this week - like buying a printer and hauling it home on the one day this week I decided to wear heels.  I thankfully managed to get it set up with very little stress.  However, this purchase brought into focus the fact that my student loan had yet to come through.  So that got me thinking - when should it come in? So I Googled and found conflicting answers - all indicating that I should have had my money already - so I started calling - waited 20 minutes with one number to be given another number to call them and then at 8pm I was cut off even though I was on hold.  Yes I know that is the end of your business hours but how about you don't take calls after that time rather then dumping those on hold.  So I emailed them and found out that it wouldn't have mattered I needed to call Ottawa... geez.  I managed after a whole bunch of craziness and multiple calls to get someone in Ottawa - and I am getting my monies - just going to take a while. *SIGH*

But really all that does not compare to the mind busting-ness that graduate school has been thus far.  But you know what I can survive that - I however, cannot abide the pretentious asshats that are coming out of the woodwork left and right and well up and down too.  Seriously men folk we went over this last week in the protocol discussion, you don't ask asshat like questions.  You DO NOT offer a 10 minute personal treatise on a subject and then ask a broad non-direct pseudo question just because you wanted to either hear your own voice in a microphone or two try and sound smart to your professor.  Neither are good reasons, trust me.  Instead we giggle and roll our eyes and pray that the professor puts you in your place - as most did in the gentlest of ways.  I however am not one for coddling fools and this is going to be interesting in time... very interesting.

So this once again reminds me to send a little post card to all the little old ladies who swore up and down I would be married after the first semester if I was single - if that is the case I would have been married before I got here.  Why? Because I would have married CEF or the next tool available.  Don't get me wrong there are nice, polite guys - they're just either married or too young or too old or that and married...

Off to bed - I need sleep so badly I worry it may have lost me and it will be a night like the others this week.



PS.  This is not for X - He is fabulous - but rather for all the crazy dipshits that I'm dealing with these days.

Oh Really?!

I promised Just Sayin' I would get my ass back into the blogging world - so here I am y'all.  I start school for reals (thus ending the last time I can use that phrase) tomorrow.  But before we get there I would like to address something.

In the months leading up to school I had dozens tell me that school would be equal to a field full of 4 leaf clovers with unicorns frolicking through double rainbows for men.  Basically in a world full of almost substandard men that I would find intelligent, suave, intriguing men - X clones but "so much better."  I wish I could bring all those people to campus with me.  I don't know what they were all sniffing but seriously folks - they're all married and those aren't - well aren't because well natural selection is still in play.  Case in point.  The second day of orientation at coffee break I found myself next to a second year student taking advantage of the free food.  We started to "talk" - I wouldn't call it easy for him, but whatever there were words coming from his mouth.

Dude: What program are you in?
Me: MCS Interdisciplinary
Dude: Oh, so you're in the choose your own program (scoff)
Me: You?
Dude: MDiv (pause) I need to go.

Now I know it is hard to convey his tone.  Yes I am in the flakiest of the programs - I am also in one of the most difficult ones since I have to chart my own course - I have to have a vision of what I want to do from the start and start digging it out on my own because no one in the concentration will have the same end result.  But really that is not the point - I for some bizarre reason thought that in a school with 50/50 gender representation that the men would be more liberal for lack of a better word.  But I guess while there is a world of men looking for their perfect piano playing, long skirt wearing submissive pastor's wife there is a world of men looking for their MDiv counterpart.  Yes dear while I'm bouncing children off my hip we're going to discuss the nuances of Ancient Greek translation.

I was seriously taken aback at the reality that I will not be accepted as an equal as X has done. I guess it's a good thing that I still have all my feminist texts at the ready...

PS I miss X - I really miss him.

Changes

I started school today, I quit work on Friday and X and I are no longer a couple.  And I all I want in all this change is him.  He is an amazing, sweet, smart, handsome, talented, funny and gentle yet strong man.  A man I am crazy about and I know I will always be to some extent or another - there aren't a lot of great men in this world.  He even bought me amazing jewelry I will cherish with no hints whatsoever. So why?  Why didn't I jump on the next plane?  I cannot bend time and space - we are in different time zones, different countries and different life journeys and we could go on living with 5 minutes of bbm and the occasional Skype date as the glue, but the glue I really need more than anything is knowing in the nights I have anxiety and nigh terrors that I can cling to him and not my cold blackberry.  If I could have I would have bent everything imaginable for this man - but maybe for us that just isn't enough.



They are right - I just wish I could have held on longer.

One Hot Mess

I realized today that large retro sunglasses were not designed for blocking out sun, no they were designed to hide the quiet tears you have while on the train. Why was I committing a cardinal transit sin - open displays of emotion - X missed his flight to see me.  X had is own NLLL day which resulted in that moment - his car dying in the middle of the freaking state - seriously honey one more reason you don't live in the middle of freaking nowhere - but neither is his fault.  I am tired from the crying.  I know I won't see him for a while - maybe a long while.  I feel horrible for him having to fix his car - his vacation being consumed by a belt (one more reason I don't drive - no car maintenance but this isn't the time for that either).  So I'm drinking Rose from the bottle, making the pie I was going to make this weekend for Ms J, her beau and X and wondering what cosmically happened today.

Bottom line if you hear really loud sobbing and Lady Antebellum from the East side of town just leave me be - I'll be okay - seriously.

Did I mention I miss him? Did I mention CW thinks that the only way he can make it up to me is with this:

Funny girl - though I might really like that - I would much much rather just be able to wake up next to him tomorrow and every day after that if I had my way.

You'd Think We Were Past This

L stopped by yesterday afternoon to chat and see her old home.  In our conversation about relationships - the freedom I have with X - he treats me like an adult that can take care of herself - go figure, I am.  Then it came up that CEF was the opposite - he is the opposite of X in every way - which is why I'm still with X and I would like to never hear from CEF again.  Now we've discussed why I blog anonymously, why I am more vague than I really should be, my militancy about secrecy apparently is about as effective as the US/Canada boarder.  It works most of the time, but well there are moments you do not ever anticipate.

Like I never anticipated that CEF would contact L's husband on FB.

My first reaction was what did he tell him, thinking please Lord I hope he didn't tell him anything of significance. That information made me realize that I cannot seal myself off perfectly - ever.  Stupid Google, FB and even Twitter - I cannot guarantee that I won't find myself face to face with a man that would likely make me soil myself or just bolt.  Hopefully I just turn and channel Kara Goucher and hope that no one is with me because I'm going to be one seriously hot mess after it all.

I keep hoping that we've put enough time between us - it's going be 3 full years this September. I just wonder - what happens when I get into graduate school elsewhere - away from family - my name will be Google-able - what then?  Do I change my name?  Do I tell my future school I've got a  CEF I don't want showing up at my office hours?  Or am I still talking and walking like the same wounded woman I was 3 years ago.  I am not sure which is worse to be honest.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/fragiletender/5333864895/

Changes

Sorry for my negligence of the blog - more changes - I just signed over all my future hypothetical progeny to the government and bank - yes it is officially really official.  So much after giving my future to the government I found myself standing in H&M trying to figure out what the non-business world wears on a regular basis.  I didn't think it would be so hard to switch the worker out of my brain - I mean I am counting down the days until I leave my job (SO excited), so should I be excited to give away most of my work clothes and shoes I really don't love and replace them with jeans, cardigans and flats? Apparently it proved too difficult to make that mental transition, the debt pricetag in my head definitely put the breaks on too.

So instead I came home and started purging, cleaning and reorganizing - yes the OCD in me comes out in full force when there is stress to be processed. On that note - I found 3 frames that need insides - I would like to have inspirational quotes in them.

So lovely people enough about my stress - what words inspire you?

Everytime I wear my stilettos I'm reminded of this song

I hope you find the joy you spent your life giving with your art, but never were able to personally know.

Dear Future Employees

Remember your future boss might be (probably is) on Facebook.  Just a word of advice, you may love Playboy but we run a family friendly company, so try to avoid the bunny being your profile photo.

Sad or Maybe Secretly Happy

AB and I are still FB friends, so when his relationship status change came up, I being an ex, decided to check out who has officially come after me.  Hmmm... she's his ex-roommate for whom he had nothing good to say about to me, apparently her antics and drama where so outrageous /unbearable that he moved out.  The relationship actually does not at all surprise me.  AB has a thing for these kinds of women,  they came before me, so it is no surprise that they or she would come after. The question more for me is - so was I a moment of sanity or insanity for AB?  Was I the 30's something part of his brain, saying time to man up and get a girl who doesn't lie, cheat, starve because she doesn't have a stable job and parties all the time.  Or what I the experiment with on of those "straight-laced" kind, the rebel relationship equivalent for a  hipster?  Whatever I was, I am smirking, because honey your 30's may be the new 20's, in some respects, but it doesn't mean you should keep repeating the same mistakes.  Good luck AB, not sure whether to hope you don't get an STI or hope you knock her up and it straightens you out, or neither.  Let's go with neither and a splash of possible infection.

Audiobooks aren't working for me

I tried to listen to Middlemarch on a free podcast - it was a disaster.  I am feeling a little hopeless about the prospect about finishing the book.  Given that feeling, I shelved the book and picked the next one up in the to read pile (I have about 6 books required for graduate school I've been cycling though - I'm stuck on all of them).  I picked up A Clockwork Orange.  I understand that it is a "required" or even "recommended" read.  However, the book is in a whole other dialect - it's a hybrid of English and an English/Russian mix.  More to the point, it has a three page glossary to go with the book.  I had started to just translate the book, skimming for all the foreign words and penciling in the English versions. While it isn't a long book, it isn't short either and as such I gave up and shelved the book.  I opted to rent the movie, in the hopes I would get a handle on the story and be able to grasp the book.  I stopped after 20 minutes of the movie. A Clockwork Orange, like Martin Amis' Money is one of those books I cannot abide.  I respect that it is art and like all art it does not need to or even strive to appeal to everyone.   But who does it appeal to is my question.

Work Issues Aside

Well not quite aside, of the twenty plus resumes we've received today, only 3 have been via fax and of those only 2 submitted hand written cover letters.  So I guess I dodged a bullet, I don't have to weed the pile down to a half dozen to interview because so far I only have two candidates.

But it's not about the work, this is about that dastardly book called Wuthering Heights I've been having an epic struggle with.  The struggle has ceased thanks to iTunes which offers a FREE (though I would have paid) audio book service for classics.  It is a partnership with universities which offers a chapter by chapter reading of classic texts. Okay so I didn't technically "read" the last 6 chapters of the book, however I did listen to them while doing my GRE math preparation.  I am actually considering using the service for other classics that I cannot find the patience or desire to get into like Middlemarch or EM Forester's works like A Passage to India, which are on my "to read" pile.

A Note from Your Future Boss

I manage a small business currently - that all will be ending in about a month or so, however, before we get to the joy of freedom I get to go through the hell of year end, hiring and training both my replacement and another staff person.  I posted an advertisement which stated that ALL resumes are to be received by FAX with a handwritten cover-letter.

Before I continue I must *sigh*, now can I reiterate that you will not be considered for a job in my office if you cannot follow instructions.  I already have one employee who refuses to do so, I (and my replacement CW) do not need another.

So that being said, you're already in the trash pile when you email me. You're even further into that pile if that is even possible when you have typographic errors, colloquial statements and emoticons in your non-handwritten cover letter.  I am sorry to sound all serious and dower but I am not your "BFF," I am your semi-future boss (I'm still doing the hiring at this stage regardless of who is actually in management after).  I absolutely refuse to accept a resume from someone who has yet to grasp the concept of a first impression.  It makes my blood boil that there is an inability to work for  job.  Yes dear Gen Yer's you need to put out effort for an interview.

I've got to go purge the 10 emails in my inbox right now and maybe drink a little.  For those in management what are your biggest pet peeves about the hiring process?

Wuthering Heights, You're going down

If you don't follow me on my unrelated Twitter account you probably are completely unaware that I laid the challenge down to Wuthering Heights, it was Bronte or me.  More specifically I was prepared to not pick up another novel from my stack until I had finished Wuthering Heights. I had started it many times but always found myself throwing it in the bottom of the "to-read" pile, only to find it on the top a few months later.   This time I knew I had to take it out of circulation permanently.  I would have acheived that this weekend if not for my chronic migraine of late and my GRE preparation.  Yes the GRE has the power to seduce me away from a novel these days. I know that I need to get cracking on both my reading and my studying so that come September the procrastination novel stack will be gone and the GRE will be prepared for as much as possible.

*Fingers Crossed*

Holiday, What Holiday?

I was suppose to have this week off.  I stress the word SUPPOSE.  Obviously that didn't happen and I will be working 4 1/2 out of the 5 days this week.  On my one day off I get a phone call from my boss who is on vacation - so much so that he cannot return an urgent email, that I need to go into work to let our computer tech person in to fix some damage the power outage in these parts did.  Um no.  I am not busing an hour each way to let him in, he can come tomorrow, we are all closed remember.  Well thankfully CW was willing to sacrifice her day off to do it... How soon is it before I'm free from this job?

On top of that annoyance I get an email from the PU I don't talk to often.  Yes she birthed me, but she's also birthed a lot of other crazy since then.  She's all bent out of shape I didn't invite her to my convocation.  She went on FB and decided in her head it was this big freaking party that she got left out on.  Yes I marched across the stage in my glorious pursuit of more debt - but it was only Ms. J and my other PU present. We took some pics and Ms. J and I  bused back to our hood went for food at our local diner.  I had worked that morning, and in the end the whole thing was more about doing it, to say that after 10 years I was really and truly done - it wasn't about her.  Why the hell does it have to be about her?  I know you're going to say I should have invited her.  What for?  So she can drive 2 hours to see me on a stage for 5 seconds? or so I can uninvite my other PU who lives 5 minutes away?  No way am I putting those two next to each other if I have a choice.  I know my wedding whenever that is will be hell enough with those two going at each other about who was less horrible a PU... I know that I'm being a b*tch.  But some days I just feel like when did these two think that they are entitled to my adult life when they sure didn't think they should be involved anytime before I turned 20?  You missed your chance.

Blog Men Update

Just because I am not single doesn't mean that I don't still have man issues.  Not X issues and even if I did we have agreed not to blog our relationship problems... whatever, not the point.

BB is the point.  He posted on FB this week, that he up and moving.  I knew this day would come, boy has roots as deep as a azalea in this city.  I know he wants to be any where but here. That being said while he loves another major city in this part of the world I doubt that it's going to fill the void.  So I sent him off with my best wishes that he finds what he's searching for - maybe he'll find a shrink along the way too.  I mean that with with care - I know it sounds bitchy, but I've been there - you can run all you want, if the shit is in your head, it's not going to help you one bit.  I really do wish I could have helped the guy out but there was just no way to do that and not end up with a bloody mess on my hands.  As for the whole no more free coffee, it's probably a good thing for me, my waistline and well me - I was tired of feeling like I was cheating on BB with X. Yes you read that right - I had a relationship with my barista while I am in a relationship with X. I felt like BB was hoping the next free latte would be the one to send me over the counter and into his arms... oh honey, if it was a JJ Bean latte maybe.

AL:  Well he pops in and out of my life.  Look maybe I'm just too damn civil, or maybe FB allows men I'm vaguely friends with to comment and reappear in my life I don't know.  I find it unnerving.  It's like AB knows not to comment, not to talk to me.  I might BBM AB once every 6 months to make sure he's alive but I normally comes down to a few terse answers back and forth and fizzles out.  Well AL I think just bugs the bajeebers out of me due to our history - the more I look at the more I feel like I was being seduced for a pity something.  To ask me on a date on the heels of knowing your friend and I got very whatever and he's intent on breaking my heart because he's a man child seems cold, calculated and oh ya who you are - Mr. Serial Cheater. 

Aside:  So reading through my old blogs I realize I have lost my writers mojo - happiness and writing do not mix - and now Virginia Woolf makes even more sense to me - you've got to be repressed, bitchy and drinking far more then you should and off the hormone pills to for that matter to get the kind of kicky, snarky and aptly observed stuff out there.  So now the time has come for me to find another source, or just to switch to drinking and blogging.

For you X:

The Long Weekend Cannot Come Soon Enough

Ms. J and even X to some degree insist that I spend too much time on culinary websites/detours.  I contest that there is a really good reason for my searches - you never know what you can find.  I went searching for a cooked vanilla strawberry jam recipe to make this weekend and found this website. That is an amazing discovery.

But that aside I am looking forward to a chunk of time so that I can plow through Wuthering Heights.  I am half way through and I declared to the world and Twitter, or maybe that is the world, that I would not read another book until I finished Wuthering Heights.  I needed to motivation to just do it, to get invested in it like I did Love in the Time of Cholera. I find that if I am not in a class where I have to read a book, if it doesn't grab me I shelve it.  I have been known to shelve a book multiple times before I read it all the way through.  Fingers crossed I don't shelve it once more.

Even worse then being stuck without good reading material, I realized that I might have to work in September after all.  I do not want to work.  Seriously I do not want to try and balance work and school.  But that being said unless I find a benevolent benefactor or rent out my uterus I am not going to be able to afford school.  Gah.  So the plan at the moment is to consider looking for bursaries etc - I don't know what my chances are but being denied is better then not asking.

On the topic of money and work/life balance - well actually it's not really on that topic at all - my PU has started running! So glad he's got the old man belly going on and that is not good for anyone, especially him.  So because I'm a mean daughter I've convinced him to sign up for his first half marathon.  Bazinga! I managed to bring one person unwittingly over to the dark side.  We're going to be hitting up SoCal in November - so really I don't know how dark side it really will be...whatever - will be updating you on the joy that will be my life trying to get my PU up to the 13.1 miles.

Too much to do, too little time - and don't even get me started on the GRE - oy vay.

Warm Fuzzies

My home city got its warm fuzzies on after a horrific week and I'm proud that we did.  But beyond that I don't really have anything to say because I don't want to dwell on either mob that has arisen, those rioters or the courts of social media who has now decided to start vicious acts on the rioters, their families and homes.  Justice is not found in acts of rage regardless of what incites that rage.  So on that note, lest I go all pacifist on everyone.

Behold:



So if you need to get some pent up riot frustration out today that hasn't been pancake breakfast, post note on police cars, plywood graffiti or hug a stranger out of you, then just go blow up a green pig with an angry bird.

Nervous?! Who is nervous?! Surely not I?!

So it all comes down to this, eh?  I remember the last time so clearly - too clearly to be honest - the tears, the fingers crossed, all of it.  This time boys please win that inch so that the end result is different.



I am adding this to deflate the nail crunching and kvetching that is happening around town, if you haven't notice Hockey Night in Canada has been playing it as part of their pre-game.

I know I'm weird

I don't think X knows how weird I can be, but I'm okay with that - I honestly don't think that I need to let him in on every inside joke or more so subject him to everything I share with my girlfriends.  Ms J and I love to use 80's colloquialisms - it's our thing.  T and I have known each other through more shit than I think any man could or would need to understand.  That is okay - I know there are moments where I want to say stupid things to X and then realize it would require way to much contextualizing so I say as I would to anyone other than Ms. J.  It's actually kind of nice to share something special with all the people that are unique and special in my life...

So on that note, I'm going to let you in on a little secret *clears throat* I like to look at home decor and mentally plan my home.  I know this isn't actually weird.  Maybe it is completely normal, but I've pretty much got the whole thing clear as day in my mind.  Problem is I'm a vintage loving girl with expensive taste.  Yep, oh honey if only you knew how amazingly talented I am at finding normally the most expensive item in a room.  Now that being said I don't buy those things - I'm not senile.

So I just look at sites like this:

Where they sell things like this for crazy expensive prices and why would I pay $54 for 6?  Because they're PINK! You think I'm joking don't you?  Oh if you only knew...

Rough Spot

I get scared easy - I hear that relationships have rough patches and that you need to move through them, I understand that, I understand it to my core - and yet I feel like I'm staring down the crazy anxious woman I was in 2008 and I am starting to become incredibly scared.

I miss X.  I feel like I'm coming unhinged, I miss him that much and yet I feel like we're emotionally as far apart as we are physically.  I honestly don't know couples did long distance in a world of letters and slow transportation.  All I hear is that I need to let him go, let him do what he needs to do at school/life and if it's meant to be that we'll find ourselves in the better time and space.  I understand that conceptually - I do not however understand that emotionally.  I've become a crying fool at my desk because like the true Gemini I am my heart and my head have decided that WW3 needs to be fought here and now and I'm too damn tired to stop either party.

I am away ya'll...

I am off with my honey bunny, X, (yes dear I called you that in a public semi-permanent format - deal with it) to see him graduate (CONGRATULATIONS! *muah*) and hang out with his family and peeps.  Also important to note, one whole week away from work, though I will have my crackberry...

Tootles!

Our Song?

Taylor Swift informed me that relationships need songs.  Interesting?  Well first of all I like Taylor Swift so sue me - I do nasty accounting and I like to listen to something as fluffy as humanly possible but not quite Disney, and maybe I just like that she writes nasty tell all songs about all her exes.  It's like we are soul mates!   I write blogs and she writes songs, only difference is there is a few million in revenue that she gets - fair enough it is a little more difficult than what I do around here.

I have no problem finding break up songs, some days it feels like I have more of those than Charlie Sheen has had one morning/day/evening/evening stands. And of course because I say that, y'all are going to think X and I are rocky.  We are not.  I think the reason for the dearth in break up songs is just because they're so damn easy to write.  Love songs are more complicated.  The process of saying I love you seems to be so much more drawn out and complicated than saying "I hate you," "I need to find myself," "NLLL off you cheating NLLL" and so on and so forth.

So here is my lovely collection from the past

This song belongs to a man who rarely if ever has found himself on this blog - maybe because I got out all my rage when I burned his stuff - let's just say poor BI had to help kick me into exorcising him.



Oddly this song I think collided with my dissolution with My Mr. Big - yes it's Avril, but when the Music video channel has to fill their content with X amount of crappy but national content, you get to hear these kids of jems over and over and over.



In the months post CEF I realized that while I didn't have a post breakup song, nor did really want to - I just wanted to forget it all. However, I did find this song so relevant as time went on and he still wouldn't go away that there were times I was incredibly tempted to quote it in its entirety



Well we've dealt with AB before and honestly if I have to hear another Lady Antebellum song from that time in my life I might do something very non-ladylike.

Sure John Mayer has lots of break up songs - but I have to say these are the ones that come to mind.  So here we are at the end of a post about break up songs and I'm at a loss for a LOVE song about X. 

Any I love you songs in your repertoires?

This song was on the radio this morning, it's a little dramatic and I sure as heck do not want to be anywhere near a cabin, I am a city girl through and through.

I'm A Lit Geek

I get it.  I think most people who spend an extended conversation with me get it, really quickly, for some.  I have opinions - some of which hurt the hearts of the ones I love - poor X (I didn't like the book he bought for me as a gift and yes I could have lied but BSing my boyfriend to the extent I would have needed to is even more cold and damaging to me)... onwards.  At dinner last night Ms J's man asked what I am going to graduate school for beyond seminary... and then the thesis comes out along with discussions on everything else literature related.

In all this graduate school talk there is always the question, so what are you going to do with THAT.  Yes a MA is still a THAT degree.  Well dears, I do not hope to teach high school students. I would like to teach college students who understand the glorious importance of Beowulf and well the whole canon and how it shaped all the layers of development and experimentation.  But here is the issue I am realizing, those students don't exist.  They used to, but they don't now.  The education system is more or less abysmal, so high school teaching here I might be coming in an attempt to give our university professors something to work with.
Here is the reason for this change of mind:

http://shitmystudentswrite.tumblr.com/

http://croserun.tumblr.com/post/4417060448/okay-i-see-this-impression-from-my-students (felt I needed to add this too)

I will say do not drink coffee and read this, please for the sake of your gorgeous laptop.

Medical Update

I try to keep my medical updates to a minimum as not to depress me or you - but yesterday was another medical day.  I got to have my eyes dilated and have my freckle examined.  Yes my fair and freckley skin means that I have a freckle in my eye too.  Now I learned yesterday, courtesy of the nice retinal surgeon that my freckle is likely always going to be benign.  If it was a mole we'd have a problem I should be concerned about.  However, that being said I need to have it routinely examined to ensure it doesn't become malignant.  I am not worried about the potential of cancer as much as I find it funny.  Don't get me wrong cancer isn't funny, however for my body, to have it be a spot in my eye that has the potential to be it just seems to fit to my weirdness.

So yep I could end up with a melanoma in my eye and I don't know what that would mean - but I do know it's the future, and like all things in the future - I don't need to dwell on them.

PS Wondering where the freckle is?  It's that dark pigmented area in the middle

Photo: http://www.matossianeye.com/site/blog/detail/2010/09/02/a-freckle-in-your-eye.html

Music!

I was in Starbucks yesterday flirting for my free drink and I heard this come on - I'd heard it before but it took me until the chorus to remember it and then well it was stuck in my brain.

Life is a little upside down at the moment and I definitely get anxious when that happens - the internal fight to right all that is happening gets incredibly strong which just snowballs everything.  I've been getting busier with friends - and I do like that but I find it can be emotionally a little chaotic. Add to that my roommate has gone tree planting for at least a month and now I have an empty home again... and the GRE, stupid books keep taunting me and so on and so forth and I feel like I'm drowning a little at the moment.  All I want is X to turn the world right but that's not going to happen any time before the 20th and even that trip is making me anxious.... gah  *DEEP BREATH* So while I find a paper bag to breath into, check out this song

Carrying Along

I am slowly recovering from my silly cold and now just dripping ever so slowly but still enough to have a Rudolph esque nose... as such I felt it was time to share something less educational and more fun.  I completely and unabashedly love the Big Bang Theory.



http://youtu.be/boIzNJnvpPw

http://youtu.be/sqzIeS239jw

http://youtu.be/ffQSDMjQrkM

I Feel Like This is a TED obsessed blog

FOOD!

I love food.  I love cooking food.  I love teaching others the beauty of food and its simplistic beauty, of wonder of fresh and local food.  Because of those loves, I have a special place in my heart of Jamie Oliver.

Advice to a Younger Me

I mentioned a few blogs back that I have things I would like to say as the new town whore of the FB group I am questioning myself for being a part of.

My first piece of advice - Date.  Sounds bizarre to some but I was raised in a culture that said date only for marriage.  I agree with the idea - don't date a douche you see no future with... however, this idea has been socially translated into, date ONE person, as in THE ONE.  There apparently is no room for error, no room for coffee dates with men who you haven't made your BFF or background checked via the CIA or what have you.  Yes there is this crazy belief that because you should only date for marriage that dating in and of itself is sinful or indulgent. 

Actually it's incredibly practical.

1. It teaches socialization - the same skills you have to harness for a date with a relative stranger are the same ones you have to harness for job interviews, meeting new people in general, company events, meeting parents and the list goes on. Yes you are not going to go on to kiss your interviewer, company representative or future in laws, but you are going to start in the same place with all of them - positive not too personal small talk.  You learn how to with confidence stick out your hand and say Hi my name is SP, it's nice to meet you....

2.  It teaches you want is important to you.  I could tell you that I love books, but you already know that.  But you know what? I REALLY love books.  BV didn't like to read.  I found that out and the conversations started to fumble.  They fumbled even more when I found out he was apathetic about his incredibly cool sounding job.  You can love your God/gods all you want but if you are a bummer to be around then I'm sorry that is not enough.  I hear women say it's a turn on to have a man who loves God.  You know what?  It isn't really - a man who knows what he believes and is passionate about EVERYTHING in his life is a turn on.  And by passionate, I do not mean off the walls happy, but genuinely interested/invested/knowledgeable etc.

3. It teaches you that you are worthy.  In dating I found I learned the key phrase - I am worthy of more than this.  Yes I was able to say that early into AB and my relationship and ignored it, but if you say it enough, it's the dull blade that frays the relationship cords.  You break a relationship slow and rough like that and you end up with two adults who go on without each other, rather than the yo yoing that happens when you cannot say those words.

4. It refines your gay-dar and your general understanding of chemistry.  You might be BFF's.  But I will tell you stand across from someone you don't know at a party and find yourself feeling that I must talk to this person, get to know them etc. Now go look at the BFF.  Doesn't matter that you've devoted all this time getting to make sure he's the right one to date - if you don't have the juice to make the reactions work, it doesn't matter.  Seriously.  If you fight me on this, let me direct you to CEF.

Rough Weekend

I came home on Thursday night fried.  I meltdown in those moments.  I know it, I can see these moments coming from a mile away.  So I spent Friday on my back watching Spooks.  I was not going to see people if I didn't absolutely have to.  Of course family dinner was on Friday night - and I did okay.

This weekend as a whole has been sort of heart breaking too.  I miss X.  There was a time in my life when distance in a relationship - the spacial difference wouldn't have hurt.  But now it does.  We're really busy people and we carve out time for each other the best we can.  I don't feel neglected.  That is not the feeling I have but rather a sense of jealousy that others can roll over and see their love's face in the morning.  Or go for dinner with them, a walk, a talk in person and so on and so forth.  The feeling comes and goes.  Right now I think it smacked me upside the head as Ms. J has a suitor now.  He seems great, but a part of me sees what we don't have in seeing their relationship unfold.  Would I change things?  If I could sure - but the only thing that we could change right now is not on the table.  I don't have any desire to walk away from this even when it is the pits in these moments.  I know some would say I'm stupid.  That there is a world of men who live in this city who would be perfect.  They might possibly be correct. HOWEVER, I believe that at some point you make a choice.  You stop looking.  Yes we could all spend our lives endlessly searching because we want every little piece to be absolutely perfect.  But that isn't the way life or relationships work.  Rather you have two dynamic, evolving, changing and failing people who are dedicated to each other - to grow together and work out and through the process of life... I am rambling. The point is - I miss X but I know that it's worth it - the miles and miles.

Sorry Long Time, No Blog

But I am here now to do some kind of simplified epic update of sorts:

1. Went shopping last weekend with Just Sayin' - awesome woman, funny, gracious and witty - you should check out her blog. We weren't successful shopping though - and this is where I will say, if you ever are having a meh day shopping, try it again.  Case in point - I was trying on some dresses and in the end I was in like with them, but not love and the prices while reasonable, weren't eye catching.  The same with some shoes I saw... and so on and so forth.   However,

2. Went shopping with A (new roommate) and we did extremely well at the B and JF.  At JF I purchased a black trench, 2 cardigans and a dress for X's graduation or his niece's christening all for 100 with tax.  At the B, I purchased a pair of Nine West heels and a pair of Ralph Lauren dress stilettos for 180 with tax - saving $90 due to sales.   Before I have X or Ms. J down my throat - the Nine West are black peep toe pumps, useful for EVERYTHING and the dress stilettos?  They go with my NYC dress!! The darn well annoying to find shoes for Grecian purple/cornflower blue dress bought in Greenwich Village. 

3.  Started studying for the GRE again, this time I need to find the desire to just do it. I will let you know if that desire is at the bottom of my Americano

4. Started contact lenses.  I have access to free contacts with my job, and figured it is high time I get used to them so I am not doing the glasses/sunglasses thing all summer - seemingly having one on top of my head and the other on my face at all times...

5.  My soon to be ex-neighbour has apparently found herself a girlfriend after the last 4 years of really minor dating.  Fabulous right? Well see the thing is, they like to shag really loudly every Saturday morning.  And to the men who think it's a turn on, it's actually frightfully embarrassing to hear it with the clarity as if I was standing next to their bed. I have found that I need to either stay in bed until about 10:30/11 or go for a run and then return to my room with noise.

6. I have become the town whore in a FB group that a mentee of mine set up.  She's young, naive and green as they get - all the things I was at her age (well less so but close enough) and she's asking very personal though important questions of those women older than her.  The problem is these are the kind of women who believe feminism is evil, birth control - of any form is abortive (Lord have mercy on my soul for the anger that statement causes to swell),  and that courting not dating is the way to go and that dating in general is wrong.  I could honestly write a whole blog in and of itself on all the craziness that is their beliefs and how they have NOTHING to do with my faith or anything.  However, I've come to realize that they're what seasoned users of social networking call trolls.  And you don't feed the trolls.  So I might just feed you all my answers as to why I think birth control is a good thing, or why I think we should date and no date does not equal screw the entire human race, contrary to some people's opinions *le sigh* I am cutting myself off, you get the point

7.  Oddly I know there is lots more but that's about it for now

Today's Song

Life Changing

This talk has seriously challenged me - I hope you get a fraction of what I got from it

Fashion Advice

I am looking for a little advice from you wonderful people.  I have X's graduation and a wedding this summer along with other events.  I have learned in my few years of adulthood that there is always a need for a good (solid) dress.  What I mean by that is not a cocktail dress (though they are extremely important) and not a cotton summer dress/winter sheath, but that thing in between.  I was thinking I had found it and now I'm not sure - behold:

It wouldn't be this colour or this length - but the point is a convertible dress. I was looking at a short deep navy colour.  It goes for about  $80 on Etsy.  For the longest time I thought it was brilliant and now with things being a little crunched I'm not sure if in the end I'm better off buying something from H&M for half the price and either not using the other half or putting it towards other summer gear.

Let me know what you think.  I will also say I'm a little apprehensive as Etsy has burned me in the last little while correction Customs has burned me by holding packages for 3-4 weeks longer than projected on everything I've purchased from Etsy.  I do not want to invest in something so crucial not to have it come or even worse look right. 

Slightly Overwhelmed...

Life seems to be picking up the pace these days and I'm not sure I like that idea.  I actually really don't like it.  I feel like I'm failing everyone including myself, especially myself at my inability to balance and do everything that needs to be done.... *gah*

But oddly I still feel the need to pass on something - 10 Most Frequently Challenged Books from last year.  Now you might not be aware but every public and school library has books that can be challenged and removed from circulation.  Book banning makes me mad.  I will say that it makes me mad on the level it makes PETA mad every time a chicken becomes a KFC meal (and for the record that doesn't make me happy).  It actually makes me mad on the level that whatever PTA I'm apart of will likely egg my house out of frustration with my insistence that no book should be banned.  I know there are going to be people who say that they are not appropriate for children.  Read the book then yourself and have your child/teenager read it and then discuss it.  Ideas are not lethal if they are discussed and challenged.  They are only destructive if we do not equip ourselves and those we are responsible for with ways of negotiating, challenging and respecting or accepting them. 

As an aside number 10 on the list is Twilight.  I will admit I have read the series. There is nothing remotely offensive in the series - there is implied sex AFTER marriage, and there is violence which is described but not by any means graphic.  So what in there has the after 12 year old not be exposed to in the advertising media?  Books like Twilight as much as I loathe them, they are easily consumable, like Harry Potter, and open children/young adults up to the wonders of reading if they haven't found it already.  So bugger off crazy parents.  That or pick up a classic - Beowulf, Chaucer, Shakespeare, Vanity Fair and the list goes on because everyone one of those entrenched classics has at least one of the following: racism, rape, violence (bloody at that), sexism, cannibalism, elitism, homosexuality, transgender issues/themes, adultery and the ism's go on.

Okay my rant is done, carry on now - hopefully to your local library.