Fatigue

I'm exhausted. I am trying to desperately cope with this situation and it has had so many good moments, great moments of friends but my body is not supporting this process. I still cannot sleep - I lay awake praying for peace and wake sick to my stomach about the situation. I am struggling to eat, tonight's dinner was supposed to be pasta but unfortunately that didn't stay down and was replaced with two pieces of toast, later two cookies milk and now some cheese puffs. Yep the dinner of running champions.

I have decided against contacting any of his friends to apologize for getting them involved to whatever degree they are - frankly I'm horrified by his behaviour but again it is his behaviour and I've been told that my reaching out to his friends as I did was not psycho ex-girlfriend behaviour. And beyond that, I don't have anything. Yes I've considered mis-filing his thesis in our library and all sorts of other things, but at the same time it is not fucking worth it.

It all isn't worth it. Life is worth it. Love is worth it. This drama, totally not.

I'm going to peace out for a while unless drama gets even weirder at which time CEF will be unseeded for the most broken, bat shit crazy addicted to being a victim ex I have had and that my beloveds is saying A LOT, but in all this I promise no long breaks again. I found this song as part of a hunt for a good I've been dumped music mix and this is one of the more accurate of the songs.

Last Day in the Saga Hopefully

I packed up the keys, a letter, the bracelet and some money and put it all in an envelope and ended up dropping it off on his desk (he wasn't there, convenient for him). And while having lunch and a drink with AE, I received this crazy text about taking friends and my issues with his church etc, so insane that I felt the compulsion despite the alcohol in my veins and the rage that was following it to deal with him in person.

AE accompanied me to have a long silent sit while he dealt with his phone with the customer service people and then we started "talking" over the on hold music as he was waiting. The conversation started off very tense, very rough. AE could shed more light on the whole process, but we basically unpacked the relationship and it was truly tragic to hear that we could have worked if the intimacy hadn't been there and it was just as hard to hear that he "cared" but that he couldn't have said he loved me (great to hold that with the previous discussions about if I had gotten pregnant - thankfully I didn't that would have been AWKWARD) and felt that my belief of love was too early to be real. Furthermore on the money issue that I should have said something instead of letting all the nagging about my inability to carry my own weight sink it in the hopes it would change in time when I was working. It was hard to realize that if we had hashed it all out earlier we could have been in a different place. But I know that different place isn't a place we can go.

In the end we did part in relatively decent tone, I noticed my picture still in his office, and yet I returned home to being de-friended and blocked on FB. I guess that's normal, I just find that kind of behaviour is a new level of petty. 

Oh well. 

Musical Moment

Truthfully I've struggled with music this entire relationship - I've just not been able to find the words in song that fit the relationship - but now, now I've totally got the whole gamut - that also though truthfully is because I totally have a preference toward the nature of break-up songs - they're either the I hate you or the why can't you love me and both work. And we'll run through my catalogue of all those songs but right now this whole post will be devoted to my spirit person or whatever you want to call her - Sara Bareilles and the whole range of her catalogue which has been representing the whole cycle of my grieving.

 

This song is the only reason I didn't "go postal" when I had to go through the lame process of claiming my toothbrush and my loaf of bread and resisted the urge to do everything from an extensive cathartic cleaning of his home or cleaning his toilet with his toothbrush or anything incredibly bitchy although I won't say I was entirely sane, I did reclaim the book I gifted him - Jesus Feminist and I noticed all my Valentine's gifts to him disappeared... and well a grand plus worth of new clothing etc but whatever, I took the book and left a half loaf of bread so he can deal with it - so one day he'll realize what I have to realize on a continual basis my life changed. Anyways - after I channel my rage I normally knee jerk to this song:

   

 It is also because her ep has these two songs back to back what the NLLL Sara? Then I go here because well there needs to be balance - after all I have moments where I know I was all in and truthful and then I pause like NLLL NLLL dude what kind of new life are you planning with those very fancy work clothes... FULL STOP,

   

 Vent through the song and move on...

 

 Because on day I will and that day might involve these feelings:

 

 And all this, the song I used to get me through picking up my stuff and the word I will tattoo on my body:

 

I may not always be brave but a brave woman relayed to me last night wisdom she received - I am being sanctified and damn it I will own the NLLL out of that sanctification and yes I'm aware that might have been a heretical sentence.

Blindsided

I will say that I will be posting a lot in the next few weeks or even months as I try and figure out what just happened. I feel entirely blindsided. I just discovered that LG has been keeping an extensive list of all my faults. It seems like everything from my divorced parents, to the abuse, to my supporting of a woman's choice, to some of my hypothetical parenting situations to my preference of texting to my not driving, to how we would raise our kids to well the list goes on and on and on.

And this where I tell KAB to turn away because I might use some NLLL.

I fucking don't care - I know I care because my heart is a bloody mess on the floor and the hole where it was is currently full of all the salt rubbed into it.

My parents are happier divorced, I'm fucking sorry that you think it means that I don't value marriage.

Yes I'm a survivor of abuse. Yes and I have PTSD. You know what I cannot do a fucking thing about it - I cannot stop it and I cannot think that it doesn't effect me or anyone I love - but I came forward with this on the 4th date.

Yes in the hypothetical discussion about our teenage kids having sex, a conversation we had in the first few weeks of the relationship before we were even official,  because LG had an active time in his teen years - I said I would prefer not, but if my daughter was going to make that decision I would like to know and we would be brutally honest and if she was still determined I would prefer it was in a safe environment not in the back seat of a car because she felt like she had to etc. Apparently this means I will be a poor parent for his kids.

I do support choice not because I think that it applies to inconvienent pregnancies but rather because as a woman raped, the idea of carrying a child to term as the product of that action it is a daily reminder that my body was is continually being used against my will. And frankly I would much rather that birth control was widely available and then we wouldn't have to have this fucking hypothetical discussion.

And yes I swear - you know the ridiculous part when I wanted to tell him to fuck off for pulling away for the last month and a bit because he knew it wouldn't work and that he's fucked with my heart in a totally inhumane way, I couldn't do it. Maybe because I still love him or maybe because I've done such a number on it all and that's not necessarily a bad thing. I just I don't know anymore. I don't know how my preference to text because we both have busy lives and instead of having an hour long conversation in the morning all I say is hey I've been thinking about you is an issue. But it was because I would only to get a response hours later with no information, just a hey.

And yes I don't drive. There are plenty of people who don't own cars - how is a relationship determined on these grounds?

The part that killed me the part that just gets me is he wasn't going to bring this up and yet it was me the one that wanted to stay together who was trying to figure out how to get clarity on his supporting of me in discerning my call and then I get this bullshit, this list, this rejection on all my faults and a trite well you're nice, you didn't annoy me like my previous girlfriends.

I just don't get it - but I guess this is where I end this for now, as I go through all the stages of grief another dozen times before I fall asleep wish the one person I want comfort from, the one person I love would be here and knowing he doesn't love me. Don't know if he ever has, sure doesn't feel like it.

Musical Moment

AB's status updates have been on FB a lot these days and it feels weird. I am definitely not in love with him, it just reminds of where we were 3 years ago at this time. And at that time, I happened to be listening to this song a lot.  I have been listening to it a lot in recent weeks and much to the annoyance of my roommate been singing to it, loudly.  I love it, even though it makes me a little sad.  And just to clarify, AB never did anything illegal - I just fell in love with a man who for me, it was entirely irrational to love, he walked away and it broke my heart.

Our Song?

Taylor Swift informed me that relationships need songs.  Interesting?  Well first of all I like Taylor Swift so sue me - I do nasty accounting and I like to listen to something as fluffy as humanly possible but not quite Disney, and maybe I just like that she writes nasty tell all songs about all her exes.  It's like we are soul mates!   I write blogs and she writes songs, only difference is there is a few million in revenue that she gets - fair enough it is a little more difficult than what I do around here.

I have no problem finding break up songs, some days it feels like I have more of those than Charlie Sheen has had one morning/day/evening/evening stands. And of course because I say that, y'all are going to think X and I are rocky.  We are not.  I think the reason for the dearth in break up songs is just because they're so damn easy to write.  Love songs are more complicated.  The process of saying I love you seems to be so much more drawn out and complicated than saying "I hate you," "I need to find myself," "NLLL off you cheating NLLL" and so on and so forth.

So here is my lovely collection from the past

This song belongs to a man who rarely if ever has found himself on this blog - maybe because I got out all my rage when I burned his stuff - let's just say poor BI had to help kick me into exorcising him.



Oddly this song I think collided with my dissolution with My Mr. Big - yes it's Avril, but when the Music video channel has to fill their content with X amount of crappy but national content, you get to hear these kids of jems over and over and over.



In the months post CEF I realized that while I didn't have a post breakup song, nor did really want to - I just wanted to forget it all. However, I did find this song so relevant as time went on and he still wouldn't go away that there were times I was incredibly tempted to quote it in its entirety



Well we've dealt with AB before and honestly if I have to hear another Lady Antebellum song from that time in my life I might do something very non-ladylike.

Sure John Mayer has lots of break up songs - but I have to say these are the ones that come to mind.  So here we are at the end of a post about break up songs and I'm at a loss for a LOVE song about X. 

Any I love you songs in your repertoires?

This song was on the radio this morning, it's a little dramatic and I sure as heck do not want to be anywhere near a cabin, I am a city girl through and through.