You'd Think We Were Past This

L stopped by yesterday afternoon to chat and see her old home.  In our conversation about relationships - the freedom I have with X - he treats me like an adult that can take care of herself - go figure, I am.  Then it came up that CEF was the opposite - he is the opposite of X in every way - which is why I'm still with X and I would like to never hear from CEF again.  Now we've discussed why I blog anonymously, why I am more vague than I really should be, my militancy about secrecy apparently is about as effective as the US/Canada boarder.  It works most of the time, but well there are moments you do not ever anticipate.

Like I never anticipated that CEF would contact L's husband on FB.

My first reaction was what did he tell him, thinking please Lord I hope he didn't tell him anything of significance. That information made me realize that I cannot seal myself off perfectly - ever.  Stupid Google, FB and even Twitter - I cannot guarantee that I won't find myself face to face with a man that would likely make me soil myself or just bolt.  Hopefully I just turn and channel Kara Goucher and hope that no one is with me because I'm going to be one seriously hot mess after it all.

I keep hoping that we've put enough time between us - it's going be 3 full years this September. I just wonder - what happens when I get into graduate school elsewhere - away from family - my name will be Google-able - what then?  Do I change my name?  Do I tell my future school I've got a  CEF I don't want showing up at my office hours?  Or am I still talking and walking like the same wounded woman I was 3 years ago.  I am not sure which is worse to be honest.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/fragiletender/5333864895/

I was sooo smooth, you have no idea

So I came to the realization today that I might only be successful thus far because of alcohol, my sweet precious, because well I've been under the influence and same with the men whence these conversations happened, and then whence sober, the conversation seems to get well hindered. Same went for tonight, when I really should have toot sweet made a bee line for the Liquor store to avoid the shitastic conversation skills I demonstrated when BV called... oh it was my finest hour for sure - even better than the time I fell on my ass in a short skirt in grade 10, revealing my white knickers... So anyways CW and I hit the mall and beat it a little while too, I came to the realization I had no date, date date or pseudo date appropriate wear... so ya, who knew that that was a fashion subset I needed to consider. So 2pm tomorrow, I have to find my personality without the alcohol and remember that this whole show, this is all an unknown - like what to say, how much sarcasm is too much sarcasm and really is there such a thing, and when do dates turn into dating, or even for that matter when does a date = a date, and when do those amount to dates plural - like do the pseudo and regular dates get included in the date date equation...

To add, when do I have to choose - that is to say I'm totally upselling myself believing that that absolutely horrible moment is going to happen... yes horrible that would be, no? As well AR believes that I need to find me a theme song, so while Beyonce believes a Diva is a female version of a hustler, I believe that a diva I am not, and Fiddy's PIMP isn't quite right, I leave you with the oft played: