A few little words do have a devastating effect. Sure the conversation was between RB and I but if we're being honest, it was really a conversation/declaration to RB's best friend and his best friend's wife and KAB and AE (Artist Extraordinaire). So all of a sudden in a student body of maybe 75 on campus at one time, even less in the summer, there is a slow ripple effect of people who are either avoiding each other or witnessing the fall out like AE at lunch today.
Really I'm sure AE isn't the only one, not that I think people watch people as much as I do, but seriously we went from talking pretty regularly, sharing tables at lunch and so on, to sitting at polar opposite ends of chapel, taking different staircases (we only have two so there is limited running room) and for what? When I ran into RB's bf's wife today in the bathroom she froze. It's like she didn't know what to do, our friendship had hit the skids along with mine with RB. It's not suppose to be like that. Sure I want space but I didn't think we were staging the next Cold War in all it's glory, what happened to a little detente? We cannot keep running from each other - him out of fear of something and me out of a desire not to have a conversation about it. So I'm going to finish my Hebrew, have a good drink of something strong and Gin in nature and text him and we'll see if we can iron this mess out. If that fails I might just be singing this later...
I might be too Bitchy McBitcherson for my own good.
I was scanning old posts, trying to figure out where I have been in the last few years and get a little perspective. Well it seems that while I'm actually a lot funnier and quirkier than this blog demonstrates most days I definitely do not mince words when it comes to menfolk, and that is actually very true to life. The following gems, though almost two years old now definitely still represent how I feel, though my BCBG stilettos have been shelved until they can be re-heeled.
"Personally
for me a man who can't initiate is destined to be skinned alive not
only on this blog but also by me. Maybe I am jaded, just too many man
children running around - you have to test them with a little flame or
hook to see what they're made of, or maybe it's like X says, relationships are a dance, an equal give and take partnership, if it's
lopsided you fall and someone get's smooshed/crushed in the process. In
the end their weakness will result in them finding their way to the bottom side of my soft
gray BCBG stiletto pumps."
"We (women) are insane - I think you (X)
know that and well the men I have come to know personally definitely
push the stupid category (AB, DirectoryBoy, OM and the list goes on). In the end it is about finding someone you
think is a tolerable amount of insane, and for me that means I need to find someone that
doesn't make me want to self lobotomize myself with a plastic knife. So
romantic isn't it?"
Well as we can tell the dating world is going swimmingly and once again I am enjoying the space in my bed and the freedom to go to Starbucks without caring that I don't have any eyeliner on.
I have been wanting to write for a while but I keep finding that well the library is not the safest place to vent, as I try and to post as privately as possible. Yes I am aware that is counter-intuitive in the blog-o-sphere but it works for my life in a small graduate school and my future career options.
So given the range of topics I am going to try and bullet point this and group according to topic.
1. School
It's exhausting, it's expensive and in many respects I feel at times it is sucking the life out of me while it stretches me beyond myself. So from that sentence you can see it is good and bad. Part of the bad is my summer courses are not covered by government student loans (LONG STORY) and when I was on my original track to be finished by April that was a huge deal. My dad generously offered to foot the bill. A massively big deal. But I've come to question my education choice and my ability with respect to those changes to keep going. So I've decided to drop one of my courses and drum roll
Switch Degrees and life courses while we are at it.
I am switching to a long program, completely shelving the PhD and embracing the reality that absolutely crazy life while it does not define me has given me tools and experiences that I need to use. It took 4 years of psychotherapy and a completely stupid meltdown about a paper on sexuality to get me here. More so it took my beloved shrink to tell me I was being stupid and I could still do a PhD but I needed to maybe diversify my alternatives for me to realize I didn't want the PhD. Well maybe some day but she saw before I did that the PhD like my MD dreams had come to define who I was and every struggle thus became monumental, an epic clusterf*ck of an existential crisis would arise in the pressure cooker that is my program. So yes new program, longer schooling - but it does give me a little freedom to work, which I will start doing - at some point.
Not to say this new program is not going to be a crazy experience - currently I'm finishing a mental health class which involves all sorts of discussions about faith and mental health, primarily suicide.
2. Men
Lord have mercy, this really should be the last topic but alas it's here:
a) X and I had our semi regular Skype date during which time I always fall back in love with him and then spend the next day (today) trying to remind myself that if he felt the same way then things would be different and leave it be for now or always, you need to leave it be. Love him for who he is - an amazing friend and accept it.
b) Belgian boy has gone MIA for reasons unknown to me and I'm okay with that - he's cute but now that I've changed programs it would make a relationship difficult.
c) When I started my mental health class two weeks ago, guess who was in the first row? This douche, yes him, and he's even worse in group social situations. I just cannot abide his behaviour. He's abrasive and "apologizes" by saying that's just who he is. No actually sir you do not get to be a complete ass around me and think I am not going to verbally b*tch slap you one day. That day? Oh it is coming because this dear soul and I have 7 weeks of intensive Ancient Hebrew together, that is 7 weeks, 4 days a week for 5 hours a day. Boy will be lucky if he walks away with just one smack down. There is so much more to it but I don't need to ice this cake, he's a piece of work and that's about where it stands. HSBFF thinks he likes me, I do not think so but if he does there is not enough grace in my being to even grant him a pitty date, and we all know I have granted those to some seriously socially questionable fellows in the past. (POSTSCRIPT: I did bug the hell out of him in a juvenile way that made me ridiculously happy and made him pout)
3. Age
I am ageing. Seriously so, and I have a big birthday coming up, not that I mind this next decade. I think it's just the idea that I'm single with no spawn and into this decade where there is a little mind issue. BUT that does not mean I am not going to have fun and embrace this journey. On that note my amazing roommate bought me those AMAZING (Squeeeee!!!!) heels that she had to pry out of my hands as I silently wept back in February. Sweet baby Jebus they are gorgeous. But while she got me an amazing luxury gift I have actually been struggling for gifts that are important and practical that I will love. Sure everyone knows I'm freakishly poor but gift cards while nice are not something where I am going to be able to say like the shoes X bought for Christmas, my X bought them for me, isn't that nice?
So here is what I need:
Clothes - we know that
Flats and sandals - realistically I need a pair of good black flats and two pairs of sandals, one silver and one brown or black - get me through summer.
Messenger Bag - my Lululemon one kicked it back in Winter and I did a sew job but she's looking beyond sad.
Purse - my black patent Lulu purse which has lasted almost 3 years (amazing) is starting to show wear on the bottom corners, which after every day use for 3 years is completely legitimate.
Make-up - Sephora is calling me and I will not answer because I can survive without - freaking expensive store
MacBook Pro - yes that's not on anyone's list of gifts but I do need a new wing girl as my baby is holding in but I fear her eminent demise.
I am not really a jewellery girl and while I love shiny things I'm not into splurging on them. Yes books are great but given that I am definitely in my cup runneth over stage with those, additional reading is just not a good things for me.
So there you have it, the update - but not without some new music:
I manage a small business currently - that all will be ending in about a month or so, however, before we get to the joy of freedom I get to go through the hell of year end, hiring and training both my replacement and another staff person. I posted an advertisement which stated that ALL resumes are to be received by FAX with a handwritten cover-letter.
Before I continue I must *sigh*, now can I reiterate that you will not be considered for a job in my office if you cannot follow instructions. I already have one employee who refuses to do so, I (and my replacement CW) do not need another.
So that being said, you're already in the trash pile when you email me. You're even further into that pile if that is even possible when you have typographic errors, colloquial statements and emoticons in your non-handwritten cover letter. I am sorry to sound all serious and dower but I am not your "BFF," I am your semi-future boss (I'm still doing the hiring at this stage regardless of who is actually in management after). I absolutely refuse to accept a resume from someone who has yet to grasp the concept of a first impression. It makes my blood boil that there is an inability to work for job. Yes dear Gen Yer's you need to put out effort for an interview.
I've got to go purge the 10 emails in my inbox right now and maybe drink a little. For those in management what are your biggest pet peeves about the hiring process?
