Lonely

While honestly I'm too tired or hungry or even busy to be lonely, it seems to be the biggest void in my life at the moment.  I feel like in the last two months I've found the insight into why undergrads can have a tendency to shag an entire dorm floor or what have you.  There is a huge need for affirmation - in any form in the chaos, uncertainty and stress.  There is no amount of personal comfort solutions (whatever those might be for you) that fill the void of a snuggle with a man you love and snuggles also mean a relationship and seriously I have zero desire for that.

I will not say that there aren't nice males here -sure there are - but I have no desire to schlep any of them into my love triangle of still loving X and knowing that while I can keep loving him, in doing so prevents me from genuinely loving someone else, and moving on feels like I am closing a door on X and I don't want to do that.  Yes I have myself in a huge pickle.  Let's ignore that pickle for a moment.  Basically I want intimacy and I know I cannot get it anywhere - this is grand!.

So I'm stuck - and I feel like I'm loosing my mojo because of this stress.  If life was a romantic comedy a male from the other side of the library would pass by and well alas I'm not going to finish that statement as that's another pickle and that pickle is in the library and so am I.

Actually correction - I am going to tell you about that pickle since N found it so hilarious she almost fell over with laughter while we were running.   About two weeks ago Sunday, my PU and I were about to sit down when I recognized the Pickle* at the other end of the pew.  We said our hi's and explained and yadda yadda.  Well Pickle was next to a little toddler who sits with her mom in front of us every Sunday (Pickle rents a room from them it turns out).  Well my PU seeing Pickle with a cute little toddler - glommed onto him after the service while I talked to an old middle school friend I hadn't seen in years.  After we left I got a huge run down on Pickle's life - my PU knew more than I had learned in the last two months, and it was a specific list.  Did you know Pickle likes to drink kale smoothies?  No, no I didn't.  I could see that he had sussed out Pickle.  Seriously my father was trying to scooch me off to another man!  Here's the deal - Pickle is nice and all - but we are SO different and beyond that he's younger - much younger.  I am not prepared to apply for my cougar ticket yet, I refuse.  When I saw Pickle in the library after the event I apologized as I was mortified that there might have been some goats or sheep transactions for my hand or something already.  So ya - I'm lonely but fine with not dating... so does not make sense to me.

* Yes I realize this is a rather unfortunate name.