Dear Children (aka Undergraduates)

Okay, little children I am aware that there really is only about a decade difference in age - but somehow in the last decade I've learned some information you've yet to learn, so let me pass it on to you.

Clothes are a wonderful thing.  Yes I am aware American Apparel has spent the better part of your teen years convincing you that you can really walk around in public like you do.  See the thing is they are selling soft core porn with the benefit of airbrushing.  You, however, live in a northern country not a magazine advertisement.  So could you please consider for the sake of humanity and yourself consider that the following are not wise choices.


No nipples:  I do not need to see yours - I am not talking about what can happen when we're cold - no I mean like I do not need to see the size and color of your nipples.  So this unfortunately means you need to consider a bra.  Yes I know being liberal and educated means no bra in your mind.  Maybe in the 70's this was the correct assumption - this however is no longer a correlated relationship.

This goes for the men too - good gracious and in hopes of all things holy you should never ever EVER wear a chiffon black button up shirt.  And this definitely should not be paired with an epically shoulder padded blazer.

No Hooker Socks:  These are hooker socks. I am aware that Toddlers and Tiaras thinks that bringing Pretty Woman back is a good idea.   I don't think so.  Why?  Because it seems to let you think in the middle of a freezing cold day that you can wear hot pants and hooker socks and that they somehow equal pants.  They don't.  Just put them and the hot pants away for so many reasons I need not explain.

No Tights as Pants:  Tights are NOT pants.  I know there is a delusion that they are - you want to know why they are not.  They stretch.  That means when you bent over in the bus this morning we saw the pattern on your knickers.  For reals.  Also, they get into places no pants would ever enter - to clarify in case you cannot figure this one out.  For the sake of your lady bits do not wear tights - that area is designed to be free of fabric.   No one, not even your partner or your gyne needs to see your camel toe.  There, you happy, I said it.

No Summer Clothes:  I know we get a very short summer and we all think that if we just ignore the rain and the wind that it will be fine.  But seriously I don't want to see your blue toes in muddy flip flops or you squeezed into a romper that would have been questionable on you in your adolescence.

Y'all sweet children are in university now which does not mean that it is time to leave your brain at home and whore yourselves out.  Yes I know you will have classmates who believe that whoring is the way to a good or at least an easy grade.  I hope you also know that universities are worse than high schools for gossip because the professors and TA's do not have to worry about any legal issues in talking about you.  You are no longer a minor.  That means when you have your ass hanging out in that chemistry lab in an attempt to shag a TA someone will find out, or a whole lot of someones.