Oh DUDE, Seriously!

So I thought we had a sane-ish discussion about the state of the relationship - it even ended with a hug and at 8pm I received a text asking if I had stolen anything else from his place. 

WTF was my first reaction. 

My second was, WTF. Turns out this is all about the Jesus Feminist book I gave him to read with the intention I would read it but more to the point, he spent the relationship complaining about the fact I see myself as a feminist. So why the hell would you want it, right? Apparently he did and he thought that I would have taken other belongings, yet if you look around your place dude I left everything I didn't have to take - food, coffee, mug etc all got left. I don't need them, don't want them. The Narnia series he read to me was only awesome because he read them to me. Why would I want them know. And for the record we know I claimed it last Thursday - dude it's been 5 days.

And he's refusing to talk to me on the phone, has now blocked me on FB and you know what I am fine with that. I want peace, and in every relationship that has ended, except with my first ex who also happened to be a lawyer, I have found a way to be civil if not supportive. X and I are amazing in our friendship support but I have no expectations every man can be like that.  I would like us to be civil given that our lives will intersect and if I become a pastor in Vancouver, in any capacity I don't desire having a bitter ex-boyfriend possibly poisoning the waters given that as a woman there is already fertile ground for skepticism. 

I know I cannot make things civil but I can do my best to be gracious, to try and in the process of not stomping on my heart, being vulnerable and peace-making, he's just making it brutally hard in all the back and forth.

Questions You Don't Want My Opinion About...But

Our student newspaper published an article about dating and for the most part it was accurate in that it addressed a few of the issues facing the students, especially the female students, such as the small environment makes everything a fish bowl, second religious men are not skilled at just asking a girl out and conversely religious women often don't know where they stand in all this business, so here is my response - though I doubt I'll go so far as to actually publish it.  Now where to start.

I have blogged about dating for the last 3 or so years of my life and I've come to this very unscientific conclusion that we, Christians, do not know how to date.  We think we know how to date, but that "dating" more often is just a manifestation of having to do something about the seemingly exclusive behaviour of two individuals of the opposite sex.  We like to fall into relationships often without sexual chemistry, getting to know the person and or even an awareness of relationship compatibility.  A friendship and a relationship are not the same thing.  Another thing that is not the same, dating and relationships. They are not synonymous although dating usually leads into a relationship. On the topic of dating, a date is a time where two people agree to spend time together with the understanding of wanting to get to know each other.  And quite frankly I think we're all terrified to just date as if dating several people would leave others to believe we're scandalous in some degree or another.  While I am aware most of us have been raised on the belief we should date for marriage, which I agree with in that you shouldn't be wasting your time or theirs if you wouldn't get married.  But this does not mean you should sit on your hands waiting for your ideal to walk by and then give dating one shot, hoping it sticks this one and only time.  And yes this does work for some, but for the vast majority of us, it has not and will not.  As such we need to change our idea of what dating is.

Which leads me to my first issue with dating and relationships:

Definitions.  In our fear of dating we have come to fear calling actions what they are.

A date is only a date when it is called a date.  That being said a date is just a date, it is not an agreement for a second date, a relationship, an engagement or marriage.  It is just a date.

"Hanging out" is not a date.  A time where we hang out and I have to buy my own coffee, dinner and movie ticket while it looks like a date is not a date, especially not when you offer me a limp side hug at the end.*

Dating is a series of dates, a relationship is when that series of dates leads to a discussion of exclusivity. A relationship is not an engagement until there is a ring, yes ladies, he may be perfect but you cannot start planning that wedding until he actually asks you.

Yes or No, no Maybe, despite what Carly Rae Jepsen says:

This applies to all stages of definition.  If you say yes to a date then follow through, do not suggest maybe we can go get coffee sometime if I see you on campus again, because in reality that's just a no and we both know it.  If you say no there should be no drama, from both parties, and I say this to women especially.  Move on, vent to a friend, go have a drink of milk or vodka or both together with a little Kahlua in there too, but leave it off Twitter and FB.

Definitions are great when they apply to your actions but lousy when you think they apply to your future spouse.  Your spouse is not a walking check list.  The fastest way to break yourself of this is to date.  My early 20's self thought I knew exactly what I wanted and needed and I can say from the last few years of intentionally dating I quickly learned what I actually wanted and what I find as insufferable.   Lastly on this topic, men, especially the ones who are in family mode, you are looking for a life partner, not an incubator for your future children.  There is a difference and your actions will give you away quickly if she's really nothing more than piece in your puzzle. 

Lastly not all failed dates and relationships are tragic, some have gone on to become amazing friends. We were able to realize that while we didn't have the chemistry for a relationship, we had a lot in common and that would have not been known without the date.

*Yes it happened and it's worse than this

I would also love to just publish this one but given the wonders of Google, I would lose my secret identity... and that's not okay.

Let Us Pause for a Moment

I normally post about the downsides to dating and not dating and the majority of the time I sound a little cranky.  Truthfully though?  Sure I'm a little sharp and even at times blunt about all things love, but I do so because it is truly amazing.  When it's good it's good, like world upside down, skip on the rainbows good. But when it's bad, it's bad for all the reasons it should never be.

It's bad because you have the abusers, the cheaters, the man children (scourge of ha-eretz*) and the commitment hesitant.  And it really doesn't need to be this way.  But since I cannot change men.  I cannot will a ring into X's hands or a spine into RB's back and nor do I really want to for either, they've made their decisions.  But that doesn't mean I cannot make my own decisions.  Those decisions?  First and foremost they involve knowing that I'm worth the skipping on rainbows kind of love.  Secondly that to have that will involve living life differently. If I want the crazy heart stopping love then I need to be willing to live with my heart out and vulnerable.  And yes this is crazy and crazy hard too but even if, and it will get mushed, a little bruised and maybe even damaged deeper, it will heal.  I know that because it has healed from deep deep wounds and I have come to realize that if you heal them well your heart becomes stronger in the process, not weaker.  The damage, all those bruises remind me that it hurts for a moment but the good stuff, it lasts.  That and the hurts make awesome drinking conversations.

So on that note whatever is revealed through this RB thing, either about his character, his friends or mine it is all good.  Leaps of love are always done with the net of friends who support me and the knowledge that one of these days I'll hit a rainbow.

And if you need a little musical pick me up - Beyonce's The Best Thing is a perfect place to start.

*the earth - sorry a little Anglo-Hebrew

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/peppermint-wind/5063934086/sizes/z/in/photostream/

One Week Down...

*DEEP CLEANSING BREATH*

This week had left me last night in the fetal positioning, crying.  Well they did warn us it would be difficult and I as usual committed a personal crime by under estimating the initial energy output and not preparing regardless. I had a huge list of little and big things to do this week - like buying a printer and hauling it home on the one day this week I decided to wear heels.  I thankfully managed to get it set up with very little stress.  However, this purchase brought into focus the fact that my student loan had yet to come through.  So that got me thinking - when should it come in? So I Googled and found conflicting answers - all indicating that I should have had my money already - so I started calling - waited 20 minutes with one number to be given another number to call them and then at 8pm I was cut off even though I was on hold.  Yes I know that is the end of your business hours but how about you don't take calls after that time rather then dumping those on hold.  So I emailed them and found out that it wouldn't have mattered I needed to call Ottawa... geez.  I managed after a whole bunch of craziness and multiple calls to get someone in Ottawa - and I am getting my monies - just going to take a while. *SIGH*

But really all that does not compare to the mind busting-ness that graduate school has been thus far.  But you know what I can survive that - I however, cannot abide the pretentious asshats that are coming out of the woodwork left and right and well up and down too.  Seriously men folk we went over this last week in the protocol discussion, you don't ask asshat like questions.  You DO NOT offer a 10 minute personal treatise on a subject and then ask a broad non-direct pseudo question just because you wanted to either hear your own voice in a microphone or two try and sound smart to your professor.  Neither are good reasons, trust me.  Instead we giggle and roll our eyes and pray that the professor puts you in your place - as most did in the gentlest of ways.  I however am not one for coddling fools and this is going to be interesting in time... very interesting.

So this once again reminds me to send a little post card to all the little old ladies who swore up and down I would be married after the first semester if I was single - if that is the case I would have been married before I got here.  Why? Because I would have married CEF or the next tool available.  Don't get me wrong there are nice, polite guys - they're just either married or too young or too old or that and married...

Off to bed - I need sleep so badly I worry it may have lost me and it will be a night like the others this week.



PS.  This is not for X - He is fabulous - but rather for all the crazy dipshits that I'm dealing with these days.

Changes

I started school today, I quit work on Friday and X and I are no longer a couple.  And I all I want in all this change is him.  He is an amazing, sweet, smart, handsome, talented, funny and gentle yet strong man.  A man I am crazy about and I know I will always be to some extent or another - there aren't a lot of great men in this world.  He even bought me amazing jewelry I will cherish with no hints whatsoever. So why?  Why didn't I jump on the next plane?  I cannot bend time and space - we are in different time zones, different countries and different life journeys and we could go on living with 5 minutes of bbm and the occasional Skype date as the glue, but the glue I really need more than anything is knowing in the nights I have anxiety and nigh terrors that I can cling to him and not my cold blackberry.  If I could have I would have bent everything imaginable for this man - but maybe for us that just isn't enough.



They are right - I just wish I could have held on longer.