Rough Weekend

I came home on Thursday night fried.  I meltdown in those moments.  I know it, I can see these moments coming from a mile away.  So I spent Friday on my back watching Spooks.  I was not going to see people if I didn't absolutely have to.  Of course family dinner was on Friday night - and I did okay.

This weekend as a whole has been sort of heart breaking too.  I miss X.  There was a time in my life when distance in a relationship - the spacial difference wouldn't have hurt.  But now it does.  We're really busy people and we carve out time for each other the best we can.  I don't feel neglected.  That is not the feeling I have but rather a sense of jealousy that others can roll over and see their love's face in the morning.  Or go for dinner with them, a walk, a talk in person and so on and so forth.  The feeling comes and goes.  Right now I think it smacked me upside the head as Ms. J has a suitor now.  He seems great, but a part of me sees what we don't have in seeing their relationship unfold.  Would I change things?  If I could sure - but the only thing that we could change right now is not on the table.  I don't have any desire to walk away from this even when it is the pits in these moments.  I know some would say I'm stupid.  That there is a world of men who live in this city who would be perfect.  They might possibly be correct. HOWEVER, I believe that at some point you make a choice.  You stop looking.  Yes we could all spend our lives endlessly searching because we want every little piece to be absolutely perfect.  But that isn't the way life or relationships work.  Rather you have two dynamic, evolving, changing and failing people who are dedicated to each other - to grow together and work out and through the process of life... I am rambling. The point is - I miss X but I know that it's worth it - the miles and miles.