I Need This and Maybe You Do Too!

I attend school were the language that goes on in my brain must never leaves my mouth. Which is a good thing, a very good thing. Well because for one I do approve of self censorship there is after all always a time and place for everything. But that being said, I do appreciate a well placed profane word. I think sometimes there is really no educated way of explaining the behavior of others. Sure yes there are plenty of lovely educated sounding words like misogynist. But these days it seems like that M-word is the same as the A-H word for some. So why bother with using brain cells I need to conserve...

Related to the above and below, I absolutely love that she did this while wearing pearls. Her and I are truly kindred souls. I post and she writes songs.

Dating, shmating...

I have decided that I have zero sound judgment left when it comes to dating, hell I've been considering asking out the Douche. To even consider is evidence enough that while I'm not in the active dating circuit (as evidenced by my lack of dates), I best not enter it any time soon.

That being said, I am aware that I have lost my sound judgment, I also feel like this is where I will have to start when I restart the looking process.

I am also tempted to say that I might consider another dating site in the future, a paid one this time in the hopes of ensuring that as I agree with Ms. Amy that I do not end up the dregs in the pool again.  So there you have it, in the season of mistletoe and booze, I'm pulling myself out of the line-up.

How Do I Explain Last Night's Non-Date?

I have been trying to think of a way to describe what last night was like and all I can come up with is AWKWARD.

I arrived on time, although he arrived before me, I hate it when someone is left waiting for me. He was reading a Star Wars novel, and all I could think of is he's a real human and he likes science fiction. Yay, two big pluses to add to his use of the reply "sweet" in his FB message. And then it when downhill from there - including a very long trip to the loo for him. I felt like I was peppering him with questions, most of which he did not volley back, so there was the delayed awkward dead silence, where I was considering offering unsolicited personal information or moving on to the next question or just stand their twiddling my thumbs. In most cases I opted for the next question and so it continued for about 20 minutes. I even apologized for in my words peppering him with questions, that my intention was not to interrogate him and he could just tell me to stop. He apologized, and then responded that he's not a good conversationalist, although he wants to be a professor. So how does that work I asked? You don't like conversations but you want to be in a job where conversation is a major component. Apparently he likes conversations when he knows the direction of the conversation and is in control.

So take control then, damn it.

 When the lights went down,he fidgeted through most the first act of the play to the point where I wondered if he was in pain, popping up almost instantaneously when the first act was finished. Although he did attempt to redeem the situation by offering to get me a tea. I declined. He returned with peanuts to share. Aww, for attempt, boo for the fact they were covered in an unknown substance, but I opted for a few any ways. He was better in the second act, less fidgety, though. In the end we left together, talked a little as I tried to explain how our city is laid out (he's not from around here) and parted ways when he finally seemed normal. Maybe that was why he was finally normal, he was ditching me at my bus stop as he ran for his.

Overall I can say I'm a little disappointed. I know it wasn't a date, and I'm not disappointed that he didn't change his mind half way through, to be honest I would have been seriously annoyed if he did. But I was disappointed that we had such a major disconnect moment to the point where I left feeling seriously self conscious about how my personality comes across. I stayed away from any thing controversial, was polite and perky, but not like cheerleader perky. I feel like if a dry run, dress rehearsal of date goes like that, then I have no chance in hell of actually having a remotely comfortable date with someone else in the future. Or maybe it was as KAB texted while he was in the bathroom, that it was him being awkward and not me. One big plus, I realized that while he probably is kicking my behind GPA wise, I've been working and carrying a heavier course load. Doesn't make me look smarter, since I am working a lot harder but it does oddly make me feel better.

Musical Moment

AB's status updates have been on FB a lot these days and it feels weird. I am definitely not in love with him, it just reminds of where we were 3 years ago at this time. And at that time, I happened to be listening to this song a lot.  I have been listening to it a lot in recent weeks and much to the annoyance of my roommate been singing to it, loudly.  I love it, even though it makes me a little sad.  And just to clarify, AB never did anything illegal - I just fell in love with a man who for me, it was entirely irrational to love, he walked away and it broke my heart.

I Blame the Mulled Wine

I have a non-date date with Mr. Brilliant (that's what I am going to call him) thought I am sure, Mr. Bombastic would have been an appropriate name although that one was taken a while ago.  He offered a ticket on his FB wall and I starred at it for what seemed like an eternity, I'm sure FB will say that eternity was a minute or even less 45 seconds.  And then I said yes, please take me.  Followed by panic, or maybe that anxiety was from the fact that I had a whole day to work on this bloody paper and I spent it resting.  So yes, thanks to some amazing mulled wine (which had minimal alcohol content) I have a non-date date on Thursday night. To add to that, he and I have yet to have any kind of actual conversation to date and my body having its usual anxiety facial eczema attack - this isn't going to be one bit of an awkward evening, not one bit.

Just a little fun song - don't read too much into it

Save Me From Myself

I am seriously considering asking the Douche out.  Pourquoi mon ami?  Well basically he's 99% likely to reject me and that's good odds for just getting back in the game.  See right now I think I just need to ask someone and he's a safe someone.  I know that while he's bitter and rude he's not likely to make a scene and further more he's not a friend like RB so I don't have to worry about how things are going to turn out.  Only problem is I do need to wait until the semester is over and that means I might have to utilize email, which while a media through which sassy messages can be sent, it also can be forwarded and just seem weird.  Any way that's where my brain is out at the moment and that scares me, especially given I have not consumed any alcohol.

Dating Pseudo-Stockholm Syndrome?

I am beginning to wondering if some magical combination of hormones, book dust and cold weather is the reason that the douche is beginning to look somewhat attractive.  I think that this belief is primarily because I am losing my sh*t at the this moment, demonstrated by the fact that someone I dubbed grumpy Eeyore (yes immature, so what) is some one I vague interests in.

This though all to say, that I really for one do not think he or I are even on the same planet as many things, so even if there is some sanity to the feeling (which I doubt), nothing will come of it.  Quite frankly there are days where I wonder if I am on the same planet as any man who ascribes to the same faith, even in the broader ecumenical sphere.  Yes I have three papers to write and I know I cannot solve this issue in one post or a million posts for that matter, it's just a question that keeps revolving around - will I ever date again, never mind get married.  And if so, will it be healthy?

It is clear from my previous dating history that I can do things right and I can do things WRONG, so I have some faith that one day I can actually figure out the pieces for a relationship that is RIGHT, however right now, I feel like that's is not the point where I am at in life, that graduate school for me borders on insanity too often to think that what I can offer another human is going to be healthy or even a representation of normal me - or maybe that's just the doubts speaking.

As for this moment, I can tell you this, things with RB are back to friend status and a-okay. Belgian Boy is sweet but he's not the one, even though he's a serious catch ladies, and as for the set up that didn't set, he's lame and that's okay because that's his issue and not mine, though I will make it mine if he keeps smugly walking past me in the library.  Dude, you bailed, I took the high road (publicly) thus far so be careful, don't think I'm down with the way you think things are.  And lastly though he's a new addition he's not really going to stick around in these conversation circles to be discussed at any length and so will remain nameless.  I had seen said man around campus, but didn't think anything of it, while in Sbucks (next to our building) he starts talking to me (now I feel like I should have a sign that says do not talk to the human unless she has caffeine in hand), but the conversation went well, we walked to our building and inside the doors, he bolts for the bathroom.   Now dear men, please for the love of all things sparkly and pink, figure out how to gracefully leave a conversation. I wasn't expecting a date offer, I wasn't expecting anything, especially not being unceremoniously dropped mid sentence. To add to the hilarity, KAB and AE and I all didn't know his name (I could tell you what he ordered, skinny peppermint mocha, really?), eventually thanks to the wonders of FB I figured it out. Anyways, needless to say even preliminary discourse and pseudo-dating both are not going amazing.

All this means Religious Grad school = Death to Dating Life

Questions You Don't Want My Opinion About...But

Our student newspaper published an article about dating and for the most part it was accurate in that it addressed a few of the issues facing the students, especially the female students, such as the small environment makes everything a fish bowl, second religious men are not skilled at just asking a girl out and conversely religious women often don't know where they stand in all this business, so here is my response - though I doubt I'll go so far as to actually publish it.  Now where to start.

I have blogged about dating for the last 3 or so years of my life and I've come to this very unscientific conclusion that we, Christians, do not know how to date.  We think we know how to date, but that "dating" more often is just a manifestation of having to do something about the seemingly exclusive behaviour of two individuals of the opposite sex.  We like to fall into relationships often without sexual chemistry, getting to know the person and or even an awareness of relationship compatibility.  A friendship and a relationship are not the same thing.  Another thing that is not the same, dating and relationships. They are not synonymous although dating usually leads into a relationship. On the topic of dating, a date is a time where two people agree to spend time together with the understanding of wanting to get to know each other.  And quite frankly I think we're all terrified to just date as if dating several people would leave others to believe we're scandalous in some degree or another.  While I am aware most of us have been raised on the belief we should date for marriage, which I agree with in that you shouldn't be wasting your time or theirs if you wouldn't get married.  But this does not mean you should sit on your hands waiting for your ideal to walk by and then give dating one shot, hoping it sticks this one and only time.  And yes this does work for some, but for the vast majority of us, it has not and will not.  As such we need to change our idea of what dating is.

Which leads me to my first issue with dating and relationships:

Definitions.  In our fear of dating we have come to fear calling actions what they are.

A date is only a date when it is called a date.  That being said a date is just a date, it is not an agreement for a second date, a relationship, an engagement or marriage.  It is just a date.

"Hanging out" is not a date.  A time where we hang out and I have to buy my own coffee, dinner and movie ticket while it looks like a date is not a date, especially not when you offer me a limp side hug at the end.*

Dating is a series of dates, a relationship is when that series of dates leads to a discussion of exclusivity. A relationship is not an engagement until there is a ring, yes ladies, he may be perfect but you cannot start planning that wedding until he actually asks you.

Yes or No, no Maybe, despite what Carly Rae Jepsen says:

This applies to all stages of definition.  If you say yes to a date then follow through, do not suggest maybe we can go get coffee sometime if I see you on campus again, because in reality that's just a no and we both know it.  If you say no there should be no drama, from both parties, and I say this to women especially.  Move on, vent to a friend, go have a drink of milk or vodka or both together with a little Kahlua in there too, but leave it off Twitter and FB.

Definitions are great when they apply to your actions but lousy when you think they apply to your future spouse.  Your spouse is not a walking check list.  The fastest way to break yourself of this is to date.  My early 20's self thought I knew exactly what I wanted and needed and I can say from the last few years of intentionally dating I quickly learned what I actually wanted and what I find as insufferable.   Lastly on this topic, men, especially the ones who are in family mode, you are looking for a life partner, not an incubator for your future children.  There is a difference and your actions will give you away quickly if she's really nothing more than piece in your puzzle. 

Lastly not all failed dates and relationships are tragic, some have gone on to become amazing friends. We were able to realize that while we didn't have the chemistry for a relationship, we had a lot in common and that would have not been known without the date.

*Yes it happened and it's worse than this

I would also love to just publish this one but given the wonders of Google, I would lose my secret identity... and that's not okay.

Apologies

First, I want to apologize for being slow and sporadic at posting - for these past few weekends I blame my marathon (yes I did actually run the Portland Marathon this past weekend) and my usual nemesis grad school.

Second, I am likely to be sporadic with the posting in the future because within the next month I hope to have my new blog up and running.  I will be very different in content from here so fear not there will be continued life/dating updates that I would like to work through in this less public venue.  And yes once it is up and running you will all know about it.

Third, KAB has suggested we keep Mr Supersmart on the list of potentials and not her list but mine... I've decided that the maybe list can have some occupants - how they get on to the yes list, well that's a little more complicated and I don't know if I have the mental space for that right now.

Fourth, I am returning to the town where CEF used to live, where all the drama when down over 4 years ago.  WTFOMG I am sure is one of the questions/exclamations going off in your head right now.  Well for one he lives on the opposite of the country now - so I have a few states of buffer, and two I think the time has come that I close the parts of that journey and open myself up again.  I don't foresee myself getting married any time soon, as it would require a willing man, I do know that there are questions in the back of my brain about getting that close to the isle and then going the complete opposite, is it a journey I can do now even healthy.  I need to know that I am a different person, because there are definitely days where regardless of the years of having my head examined and sitting with the messes and the pain, I still wonder if I am the same completely broken woman who is going to make the same mistake.  I know conceptually I am not, I know X was a good relationship/is a good man, but I still think I need to own the whole CEF things to the degree I can.  Don't worry I'm not going to go crazy and hunt him down to apologize - to be honest I am breathing a massive sigh of relief that the school email I used to have will be closed down this month - no more contact loose ends.

Fifth, I ran the marathon with my family (PU and Sibling) and not that that matters - crossed the line and this guy who we basically ran with the whole marathon congratulated me - he was so cute and being that I was low on necessary brain sugar for flirting, just smiled and said thanks.  Damn it brain, you'd think there would be a special reserve for essential life functions.  So being random I checked out CL for a missed connection.  Who knows maybe we did have enough of a connection and I can't remember it.

Well we didn't but this guy did and I wanted to post it purely for the line I bolded below:

"I know this is a long shot- with 6000+ runners, but I thought I would take a shot anyhow!

You- brown hair, green tan tank top, sunglasses and black skirt, probably around 30ish? You passed me going up the hill to the bridge. You made miles 17-24 much easier because of the amazing view I had running behind you ; ) How do you look gorgeous while running a marathon. I wish I had looked at your bib to get your name. Lost you at mile 25ish as leg cramps came rolling in for me. Guessing on your pace you were under a 3:45??? Damn girl.
Me- 6'2, gray shirt and black shorts, short hair, and unfortunately, disgustingly sweaty while dreaming of the girl running in front of me. Last mile hopping and skipping like an idiot, glad had left me in the dust so I didn't have to act suave as my calfs seized up. Oh well- I finished under four hours- so can't complain too much.

You kicked ass (mine included). I would love to run with you sometime (or even just behind you again) and then get some drinks : ) Hope to hear from you."


Sure there are some ass comments, but I completely get that considering there isn't much else to look at - calves, backs and asses are about it - but that aside - I must confess I like a man who is okay with acknowledging he's been beaten and being humorous about it.


So that's about it.

Fascinating...

Maybe I have been spending too much time in the books, specifically my counselling literature but I have found myself being relational perplexed by two men on campus.  One I could say borderline attracted to but mostly out of fascination and respect and the other well primarily because there is still a perverse teenager in my brain who thinks toying with the grumpy evil cousin of Eeyore (aka the Douche) could be fun. 

So the first candidate, I think for the record would be far better suited for KAB's mental capacities, since her's definitely exceeds mine - he's too smart.  The more I see below the douchey-ness that comes off when one is as smart as he I am intrigued.  But at the end of the day he is a man far far beyond my intellectual strengths and while I doubt he would be an a-hole about it like some others of his intellectual ability.  I have come to the realization that while I want a man to challenge me, I need to know the limitations to that challenge.  So again KAB, he might be a good fit for but me, nope that's a gulf to wide to leap.

As for the Douche - I have said it before and I will say it again, he fascinates me but in that horrible perverse, he's a puzzle and I want to know what makes him tick.  This is not a foundation to even the most dysfunctional relationship.  And fear not since you're likely wondering why he's been mentioned so much, his sour demeanour never mind his oft questionable fashion choices mean he's definitely not a candidate.

Beyond that dating has gone all sorts of sour and I think despite in many ways not being okay with the idea, I am okay with where I am right now and that is good enough.

The Week That Was...

So my first "real" week of graduate school has passed and I have little to show for it other than the insane mountain of homework I seriously need to get to... but since that is not the point of this week I feel like I should up date you on all the bizarre, quirky and lovely things that are my life.

In the awesome camp - I went to the aquarium yesterday for like the first time in a decade or longer and it was fun, to be honest I probably got more out of it than the cute little one I was with.

Beyond that it quickly dissolves in to the realities of life...

First class with in the first 5 minutes my prof (who I do have a soft spot for) makes a crack about this is the one class noted for getting everyone matched up and married off... there are groans and heads turning - it's the regulars for the most part so we know that doesn't offer and prospects.  BUT of course the douche is behind me and makes a crack about all those who looked around being interested.

Yes, sir, I think even the most apathetic about dating at the moment, like myself, had a look around not necessarily for myself because that's dead and gone but to see who is in the class, and who might be some of the pairings.  HSBFF has suggested that he either needs to get laid (which is not really an option for any of us non-married folks) or I should date him, maybe I could cheer him up.  Okay, he's like a mean Eeyore - there is no amount of caffeinated rainbow sunshine coming from me that is going to change that.  Though don't think my definitely not better nature thought I could flirt with him to spite him.  Problem is the rest of the campus will be witness to that and I am sure many then would be questioning my mental health.

On the discussion of my mental health, this week during one of my other classes the professor asked us to give one thing that will make us memorable to our classmates.  I picked my birth town which is unique amongst these parts instead of the other two options in my head - 1. permanently attached to caffeine and 2. PINK which really should be heard in your mind as the following @1:25:



Back to the issue of men - BelgiumBoy while sweet and awesome for someone else but I know he's not the right one for me and I have no sadness with acknowledging that.  RB feels clingy to me which either means I liked him longer than I was willing to admit and this was our "normal" relationship which we've apparently returned to because I feel we are together more than I feel is normal, or he's actually clingy, which honestly I REALLY hope is not the case.  That ship has sailed far far away from that dock.

Pride or Practicality?

I would like to think that I am not prideful, but let's be serious I'm as prideful as I am vain - which is a lot at times, though I would love to think that both my extreme occasional vanity and my prideful moments are well, practical too.

My vanity aside for the moment - we need to discuss my pride.  Now I relinquished it momentarily this summer to let RB know I liked him during a delusional moment brought on by too much library dust.  But fear not I have quickly reclaimed it, such that I when faced with the man of the all the set up antics today, I felt that I almost by necessity had to ignore him.  I could not bring myself to acknowledge him primarily because a part of me was so damn furious.  There across from me sat an attractive man in his 30's and he can hold a conversation of relative intelligence but is also such a bloody tool.  It is not okay that he did not respond.  Sure I'm not going to go all boil his cat crazy and give him a piece of my mind but I could not bring myself to do anything that might be construed as flirting.  Was this prideful, sure but I'm of the opinion if you put the toy down after examining it and finding it wanton you don't pick it up again, regardless of whether anyone is watching.

On a slightly different note but also boy related, Belgium Boy is back in town for the year, which I have to say makes me happier than I think it should but at the same time, I have no desire to have to break my own heart if anything were to happen, we're on two different life tracks.  So I will be a good girl, no flirting where you don't want a response.

So on the note of pride:

When Do You Lay It All Down

Where is the fine line of peace?

I have been struggling lately not with the prospect of being single or not having children.  Those are two things I've had a bizarre sense of peace about over the last decade or so, an almost peaceful relinquishment that it wasn't going to happen and if it did it wasn't going to "traditional" in any respect.

My question of late has been is this peace the root of my singleness have I made myself a self fulfilling prophesy, which I don't think is the case, or is it more so time to hang it all up.  Not necessarily put on the stretchy pants and let myself go (that's not going to happen) but more so root out a space were I just really get on with life and know that single or not, as I have and even more so believe now, know that my relational status doesn't effect the value of my personhood.  And if no tiny human ever takes up occupancy in my uterus I am still fully a woman.

And yet, I know that my family sees me as odd, my extended family even more so... I was at a family reunion this weekend and I felt like the example of what not to do with your life, surrounded by my generation with kids in school.  I received congratulations on my path in life, but all marred with that undertone of pity.  There are days I wish they could understand. That they could understand that the abuse didn't break me, that my family's dysfunction hasn't marred my from the idea of marriage or that it could be successful, that my degree hasn't made my undesirable in our faith community, but rather that just like many successful, intelligent and sassy women before me who have journeyed without a ring but never alone, that life is just as full for them as it is for everyone else who has someone in their bed.

That's what I'm wrestling now that Hebrew is over, with along with along with lots of even bigger school and financial issues and all the fun fallout from losing my TA job before it even began.

PS Out of pure irony I can put a face to one of the men on this blog as I found out today... but I think that destroys the covertness of it all... so I'll hold off until I have a poor judgement call day.  Don't worry ya'll know that's not too far away.

And Another One Bites It

Quite frankly I'm not surprised that Boy Without A Name Yet for the Blog has not responded.  Actually it makes me glad in a small way that my bullshit detection is still functioning more or less the way it should.  And so on we move.

On the note of moving on - I have completely become obsessed with Kelly Clarkson's cover of Katy Perry's song.  Honestly if I could have bought the cover version on iTunes I would in a heartbeat, primarily because during stressful academic times I need the same musical soundtrack.

I Just Don't Know Anymore

Or maybe I have ceased caring about men.

I did receive a message back from the potential set up guy, and it went like this:

"thanks for the msg, its good to be in contact. hopefully you are surviving hebrew! i did that last summer, not my favorite... and yeah, I always appreciate (Hebrew Classmate) telling me about her single friends, so maybe we can go get coffee sometime if I see you on campus again."


Okay so in cutting and pasting this I see grammar issues.  Yes but let us not dwell on this as mine at the moment is horrible... so we will skip that.  I just feel like it is a polite slough off and so I haven't responded.  I mean I care, he seems half decent as a person and he definitely did catch my eye if we're being honest.  But we'll maybe it's the perpetual melting of my brain but it just seems like he's not crazy about the idea and I don't really care that he's not.  But I think I said that already.  I guess my point in my exhaustion is why do we do this?  I mean I've done this, the passive meh in regardless to someone.  I know that the person doing it hopes that the other person has enough self worth to take the meh as a rejection.  However, you know what?  I normally take it as a challenge.  I mean what do I have to lose from a shitty date given nothing can really top the dates I have had with BV. 

So I am now considering something like the following.

Hey (Boy Who Needs A Name on the Blog),

Thanks for your response.  I am surviving Hebrew - had the midterm yesterday and now we're in the home stretch of hollow verbs and all sorts of other wonderful adventures, not that I necessarily feel so excited about it but (Hebrew Classmate) keeps trying to tell me this whole process will be worth it.  Well Hebrew aside, I think coffee would be a good idea, but I know (Hebrew Classmate) said you've got your sights set on leaving after this semester, so if your head or your heart isn't even in a coffee then don't worry about it, no sense wasting anyone's time.

Take Care,

S&P

I always feel like I come across intense and yes I could be softer and flirty and Ms. J normally helps me with that, but you know what?  I am not always like that and at this point I feel like trying to repackage myself as something else to try and hook a man who is already on the fence is just stupid.

Random Question

I have a question for you that has nothing to do with men... surprised?

We are in the middle of summer and I am in the middle of training for a marathon.  That being said I am not my once trim vegan self, and while that's good because I'm not focusing my OCD on my body and eating, as well as having a body now with a chronic condition that won't let me do that even if I wanted too... well my question.  What do you think of women who run in a sports bra and shorts that don't have amazing abdominals?  I have been trying to figure out if I can stomach the idea (sorry for the pun), as I'm putting in 10 plus mile runs at a time and in high 70's temperatures I feel well like a sweating machine...

Comment a way.

The Ones You Do and the Ones you Don't...

So I've shuffled RB off to his corner to sit and think about what he's done and while he's there I am waiting (but not with held breath) for the man that my classmate is trying to set me up with for a date.

So we're all on the page, right?  I have officially declared to the universe or whomever that I am ready to try and get back on this mystery horse that we all need to be on to be dating or whathaveyou.  So the last time that I did this, made the declaration I was ready to get over AB, I had to hide from BB and sluff off a number of other I don't even want to bother shaving my legs for that date suitors.  So in the universe's effort not to disappointment me, it has happened again.

The very morning that I send set-up boy a message on FB to say, Hi, don't freak out, I don't know what has been said, but fear not there are no expectations because from what classmate said he seemed to be actively backpeddling from his interest.  Not that I care, if he doesn't want to go on a date because he lives in the same house as RB I get it.  It is probably some subsection of the bro-code or something, thou shalt not date the woman who liked your housemate but was rejected.  I get it, I am in dating terms rejected product.  I know that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me (and I know there isn't beyond you know the normal part about us all being NLLL'd in some way or another).  Anyway so I messaged him and the universe sends me a message from an old high school classmate who wants to get together for coffee.  Yes while not a date by defined standards it is CRAZY random and kind of freaked me out in a dude, you and me don't even have enough compatibility for coffee never mind anything else...

As I have said before you dear universe, while I am ready to date, I am also ready to be picky and I will be picky damn it.  I am old enough to be able to set some guidelines and have some, not a lot, but some expectations.

I had another song posted earlier but I've listening to this one and maybe it's the stress but I've been tearing up - I think some of it is trying to also set X truly free and tell my heart she's ready, despite everything and there will be a greater love out there as truly foreign as that might seem at this time.

Hold Up, You WHAT?

RB and I finally talked today after he got his pep talk from his mentor... oh honey it gets better.  So apparently he's been "sort of" dating someone for the better part of the year and they just broke up and he's moving on to this new girl.... "Sort of," eh?  That's religious boy speak for we hung out, I got what I needed from the relationship but didn't actually commit and therefore didn't have to act like I was in a relationship.

So I call this pseudo dating.  And pseudo dating is one of the hallmarks of man children.  It is their calling card, the theme of their lives, the root verb of their lives (sorry Hebrew metaphor).

Furthermore IT IS NOT OKAY.  It is not okay, you are in or you are out, but you are not half way or more appropriate to say NLLL hatsi*-ing it.

It was the big red flag that to me in that moment made me want to say, I don't care if you pray about this for an eternity, do not bring this up because at that time I will tell you no and likely I will tell you no with a lot of reasons attached to it that might not be so edifying or graceful.

And for y'all this is your hold up, what moment - one of my fellow Hebrew classmates has a man in mind who from her description sounds good, maybe too good, I have my doubts about men.  So she's working at setting us up - which I'm leaving in his hands or theirs depending on how much she harps on it...

The biggest catch - RB and he live in the same house - the house of men that is off limits and one quite frankly I want off limits as I have no desire for some kind of discussion about me between any of these men. Not that I think men gossip the way women do but a slew of them in a house I doubt they are all prim and proper about not "kissing and telling."  But at this moment the Hebrew calls, I will keep everyone informed. I PROMISE.

*Hebrewisms and the like

Random song that came in mind with the announcement of my first roommate's pregnancy - this album was on repeat while we lived together.

A Revelation

In all the kerfuffle that has been this week's events I think I lost sight of the fact that well, I'm different.  Granted not a surprise to those who know me. However for RB and his even younger best friend, I think there is a difference in interpretation of what I actually did in telling RB I liked him.

Lost you?  Well I might lose you further but let me try and explain what my lovely roommate pointed out to me this morning. Her point being I am not a young woman, I am quite frankly very different than the women RB or his best friend would have regular contact with (RB is 26 and his bf 23). They're used to emotionally overwrought young women, and Christian (Evangelical) circles, young women are frankly, crazy.  They are crazy for a million stupid social reasons that Christian thought causes but one of the chief hallmarks is the obsessive. One kind of liking that happens is where they find a man they think fits "their list" and then fill in the rest with their own fantasies.   The young men can do this too and so it makes for a hell of a lot of angst going down.  So as my roommate pointed out what I did was beyond their comprehension.  I declared attraction and in doing so, one asserted myself, and two by doing so in their minds professed a life altering desire to be in a relationship with RB when really I just thought things were getting stupid and I wanted to see if a date would work to clear things on whether we had anything.  A date, not destiny fulfilled is what I was asking for, and it is this disconnect that may have caused all the craziness. 

They think I should be coming unhinged and don't know why I wouldn't be.  Well I'm not, in case anyone is wondering, definitely not. That and apparently I can look really evil when I'm doing my "poker face" (per HSBFF) which probably didn't help this week to deflate the situation.  He thought I was probably out to actually boil his bunny and maybe take out his knee caps too while I was at it.  Fear not all bunnies are safe. 

Let Us Pause for a Moment

I normally post about the downsides to dating and not dating and the majority of the time I sound a little cranky.  Truthfully though?  Sure I'm a little sharp and even at times blunt about all things love, but I do so because it is truly amazing.  When it's good it's good, like world upside down, skip on the rainbows good. But when it's bad, it's bad for all the reasons it should never be.

It's bad because you have the abusers, the cheaters, the man children (scourge of ha-eretz*) and the commitment hesitant.  And it really doesn't need to be this way.  But since I cannot change men.  I cannot will a ring into X's hands or a spine into RB's back and nor do I really want to for either, they've made their decisions.  But that doesn't mean I cannot make my own decisions.  Those decisions?  First and foremost they involve knowing that I'm worth the skipping on rainbows kind of love.  Secondly that to have that will involve living life differently. If I want the crazy heart stopping love then I need to be willing to live with my heart out and vulnerable.  And yes this is crazy and crazy hard too but even if, and it will get mushed, a little bruised and maybe even damaged deeper, it will heal.  I know that because it has healed from deep deep wounds and I have come to realize that if you heal them well your heart becomes stronger in the process, not weaker.  The damage, all those bruises remind me that it hurts for a moment but the good stuff, it lasts.  That and the hurts make awesome drinking conversations.

So on that note whatever is revealed through this RB thing, either about his character, his friends or mine it is all good.  Leaps of love are always done with the net of friends who support me and the knowledge that one of these days I'll hit a rainbow.

And if you need a little musical pick me up - Beyonce's The Best Thing is a perfect place to start.

*the earth - sorry a little Anglo-Hebrew

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/peppermint-wind/5063934086/sizes/z/in/photostream/

Nuclear Fall Out

A few little words do have a devastating effect.  Sure the conversation was between RB and I but if we're being honest, it was really a conversation/declaration to RB's best friend and his best friend's wife and KAB and AE (Artist Extraordinaire).  So all of a sudden in a student body of maybe 75 on campus at one time, even less in the summer, there is a slow ripple effect of people who are either avoiding each other or witnessing the fall out like AE at lunch today.

Really I'm sure AE isn't the only one, not that I think people watch people as much as I do, but seriously we went from talking pretty regularly, sharing tables at lunch and so on, to sitting at polar opposite ends of chapel, taking different staircases (we only have two so there is limited running room) and for what?  When I ran into RB's bf's wife today in the bathroom she froze.  It's like she didn't know what to do, our friendship had hit the skids along with mine with RB.  It's not suppose to be like that.  Sure I want space but I didn't think we were staging the next Cold War in all it's glory, what happened to a little detente?  We cannot keep running from each other - him out of fear of something and me out of a desire not to have a conversation about it. So I'm going to finish my Hebrew, have a good drink of something strong and Gin in nature and text him and we'll see if we can iron this mess out.  If that fails I might just be singing this later...

Well this is a big mess

First of all RB did not listen to instructions, but he's a man so is that really any surprise?  I had asked him not to respond.  I've been on this planet long enough to know there is absolutely no good way to reject someone.  Sure you can do it directly and that's better than lame avoidance BUT there is really nothing to say that will not grate the other person in some way  you had not intended.  So ya, it kind of NLLL me off.  A part of me wants to post it but that's not really fair for him since I hope sure as hope he's being decent and not telling the whole bloody campus. So until the time he does that I will just sum up things - he likes someone else but isn't pursuing it.  His words not mine.  Which is kind of a red flag - I do believe that if a man actually, like really likes a woman and is not just infatuated or weak he'll do something about it.  You don't have to put a ring on it, but leaving her floating around the world is pretty lame in my opinion if you like her.  Two he said he'll pray about this whole thing.  Now quite frankly this alone almost made me want to chuck my phone this morning.  I believe attraction is something that on some level is primal.  Either you do or you don't - granted you can not have considered it, just like I've fought the whole RB process in some way or another until I considered it but DUDE, no amount of praying in this world should be devoted to convincing yourself to like someone.  To stay married to someone when you love them but don't feel that passion fine, go for it, not going to stop you at all but I am not a pity prayer or a spiritual arm twist.  It makes me feel cheap like you're only going to consider me because you think God guilted you into it.  Yes I might be all bitchy-mcbitcherson at the moment about the whole thing, BUT gah.

Just one more man affirming why I'm single and you know what it doesn't make me feel bad about myself it just makes me a little disappointed.

So now that is done, I spent today trying to hide from RB and he seemed pretty determined to find me.  Really I don't want to think about this, I just want to move on.

Not quite what I was looking for but it's a beautiful song and some of it rings true.

I Was Brave/Stupid Today

I was laying in bed last night thinking about how stupid it was that I was going to wait to tell RB that I liked him.  Why did I need to worry about it for a NLLL month when I had bigger fish to fry like Hebrew, and for what?  It's still going to be awkward and at least if I did it sooner, the awkwardness would be over sooner.

So guess what?

I did it this afternoon.  And even better I did it while in the same room and without alcohol.  That sounds like I was amazingly brave, but I was not.  I did it via FB message and I don't think it counts that I did it while sitting 3 cubicles away because I sure as heck ducked out of the library as fast as I could after I hit send.

In case you're curious I did tell him not to respond.  I mean I am operating on the assumption that he's just nice but doesn't actually like-like me and so given that I need absolutely no pithy statement or coddling.   If he likes-likes me and that's a massive IF, then well the ball is in his court. 

HSBFF thinks he should call or do something - quite frankly I've been brave enough for one day I don't need a phone call. 

And yes I know this is a break up song of sorts but lets be frank this is going to be my song for tonight and we're going to be moving upwards from here.

So Maybe I am

A little bit of a prude.  I prefer to call it decorum.  I think there is a range of permissible behaviour when it comes to engaging with people.  I was talking with JS about the girl who drapes herself all over RB.  Yes it annoys me but she's also almost a decade younger than me.   There are lots of things I did differently a decade ago, some of that was being willing to allow for more transgress-able body space.  The problem I found was when you do that your actions and the actions of others are easily confused or misread.  You become a flirt, a flake and your emotions, your feelings are suddenly invalid.  Now I don't agree with this but when I did behave like this the boys I liked were happy to reciprocate with the hugs etcetera however when it came to discussion of actual interest it was often rebuffed with we're just friends sorry you interpreted my gestures as more or how was I suppose to know that's what you meant, you do that with everyone...  It made me realize that being overly free with how I define my friends and those I like can be a double edged sword for me.  So I did end up swinging the opposite way with BI being possibly too rigid, and so in recent years I have been more flexible.  Hugs are fine if hugs are a universal.  In other words, does he hug everyone he knows, then yes hugging is fine.  I was fine with that for OM, AB and X.  Beyond that there is no beyond that.  I know that some are more flexible but as it stands RB and I are in an almost rigid stand-off when it comes to anything, and there could be lots of good reasons for it.  I think one of the top reasons is we haven't put out on the table where the other person stands.  There was a distinct time in the late fall that I was sure he was developing some sort of feeling, that we were going in that direction but I put the breaks on as hard as I could emotionally which I am sure was conveyed physically in some way or another.

Why?  RB is in some bizarre way emotional kryptonite for me.  He's younger and that makes me feel old and vulnerable in some way that I cannot quite put my finger on.  And as much as I know new relationships are hard as hell, especially after being deeply in love with someone else, I know that someone is going to have to be the next one and I just want to know I'm really in a place where I can honour that process.  And at the end of all this all I keep thinking is it starts with a date, and all I really want is just a date to figure out if we really even have what it takes to do the rest.  So while it is terrifying I am warming up to JS's suggestion of as August 10 just texting him a "I like you.  Just putting it out there, not looking for a response, just needed to get that off my brain."  Or maybe FB message.  Whatever, that's where I am at, now back to the Hebrew.  Yes it's back on.

# 56 of the Many Reasons I Have A Blog

I drink.


And when I drink gin I normally want to say things to the boy I like or do things I shouldn't.  I think the Fall of 2009 was a perfect example of the cascade of stupid events that more than one G&T, a hot summer night and a now infamous blue dress can lead to.  So tonight when I purchased a gin based drink RB did come to mind.  Now thankfully he wasn't with us and he and I don't have that kind of texting relationship that can lead to scandalous flirting and thankfully he doesn't follow me on Twitter where I hinted to a secret affection.  No things were safe.  But mostly because I have this outlet.  I can say to you what I have been wishing I could say to RB.

I like you.  I know our relationship is going to be awkward and I'm sure you aren't going to reciprocate.  And you know what?  I am okay with that.  Actually the reason I'm telling you this is I would like to move on.  I would like to be able to stick the final nail in this emotional coffin of sorts, bury it and move the heck on.  So there you go I like you.  And now we move on from that.  Sort of the awesomely horribly kind of drunk FB message I would love to post at this moment but I will not.  No instead I will have a chocolate chip gluten free cookie and fall asleep to 16 Candles or something and let the gin leave my blood stream.

So night all, thanks for listening and staging this gin intervention. *smooches*

Bitten

By the jealousy bug that is.

Now you might think, well that's normal, after all I do like RB.  Well yes and no.  I don't normally find myself jealous in relationships as I highly value trust and find it easy to give, though it is easy to permanently lose.  Also maybe differently I don't find that jealously fuels me to do crazy things but it does fuel my insecurity.  For example RB was talking with a fellow student today - she's younger than him, perky, loud even and her and I were wearing almost identical outfits.  She elicits a completely different response from him and than I do, the kind that makes me go how am I different?  What does she have that let's him feel comfortable about throwing an arm around her or being so boisterous with her when he and I sure don't laugh like that and he has never touched me.  Now granted the context around RB and my relationship is a little different but it makes that little voice in my head question well maybe I am too old, too much like a mother, not pretty enough, not skinny enough and so on and so forth.  I would rather not like him than like him at this moment.

Is Younger Okay?

I feel like the universe is getting its jollies this weekend in my name.  First I actually admitted to liking RB, like in public, to people who know RB.  I have fought this whole thing subconsciously for too long and now well it's real.  As real as it's going to be, for whatever that counts. Further yet as I was getting a ride to the train from family dinner night, HB (Hockey Brother - unofficially adopted younger brother who lives with my PU) started going on about how he has decided he wants to date older women.  So we had a brief conversation why dating younger is hard at this age, primarily because I don't need some false moment of feeling young by dating a man who is young enough to be my son, that isn't even legally possible at my age, but you know what I mean.  Regardless it was a weird moment of having a conversation with a man RB's exact age and hearing him say he would date older.  Not necessarily a thumbs up from the universe but it is what it is.  Beyond that I don't think there is anything I can do about RB.  The usual things don't apply.  I tried food items, I've tried the let's spend time together in an unofficial capacity.  Short of blatant and thus not so smooth flirting all I have left is wait or full on take initiative.

Wait it is.

And it dawns on me...

I have been having a Mr Darcy moment.  Not me as Elizabeth but me as Darcy.  If you're wondering what I am exactly referencing, consider this.  Yes RB is younger than me and I might have been rather blunt about this around him.  But maybe because I just do not know what to do in general.  After X it has taken a lot for me to psyche myself up for another relationship, for the up and down and the possibility of rejection.  Rejection is after all always a possibility.  So considering at this point to date someone 4 years younger who likely is not on a family/baby track, not that I can practically be spawning any time soon has made me waiver in my affections.  Beyond that it's hard enough to find someone who isn't a man child so fishing in a pond where being a man child is a fair moment in life it just seems foolish.  So here I am.  Aware that in many ways I'm slipping more and more daily into growing affections and at the same time being more and more hastened to pull away.  Because that makes so much sense.

Photo: http://themostbeautifulthing.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/kiss-sailor-nurse.jpg

Cracking

I was cracking earlier this week but that's a discussion for another time and place.  Right now there is a portion of my brain considering the following question:

At what time does your expression of interest in someone meet a point of being blatantly obvious, maybe even embarrassingly so to everyone else but is not addressed by the object of the interest?

I ask because KAB (Kick A** Ballerina -you know who, that's your new name unless you have a suggestion) pointed out during lunch a few days ago a fellow male classmate who has a propensity to fling himself with wild excessive abandon at almost any pretty woman.  It's embarrassing for everyone, not just him, it's like a train wreck in all it's glory, where you know you shouldn't stare but you cannot help yourself.  So I know I'm not him, but where am I at?  HSBFF asked today while we were making dinner would I date RB.  I don't know if we have anything - quite frankly I don't even think I'm his type, but I would like the opportunity to see.  Does that make sense.  I mean I'm a firm believer that a date is not a relationship and dates are good things, they help push you both awkwardly into a space where you decide if it clicks or its at least worthy of another go at awkwardness.  The thing is I don't know if there is anything I can do short of doing the asking myself that isn't going to declare my intentions to the whole of my graduate school because he sure hasn't picked up on any of my classic techniques.  I don't know, so here I am wondering what to do right now I feel like the only choice I have is to let it die... maybe that's where my heart is right now.  It's easier to let it go then to push the point.

I went down the rabbit hole of Youtube and found this, he maybe young but the boy has skill.

For a later date

I am posting this primarily because my new faith/school and whatever else blog has yet to be set up by Ms. J and I don't really have time to deal with that process either.

But I think I've figured out why there are so many single women in my school.  The single ones are normally good or awesome friends with all their married and single friends respectively.  Being close friends is one way to start a relationship - that's how AB and X started, but both of those relationships individually tipped over the friend edge - AB when he was sick - we held hands on the couch - his sweaty sick hand and well it was downhill I guess from there.  And X well it happened BBM'ing Christmas Eve '10, we had the you spend a lot of time talking to me talk - the one where we agreed we both liked spending that amount of time talking.  But now?  Now there really isn't the incentive to ask the big, "do you want to ___" question and there is just too much time sitting firmly on the edge of friendship/dating.  The other challenge, is as RB (Runner Boy is going to have to be his name) said, possibly coyly on Thursday as we road the bus, some men like a strong willed woman.  Yes some do?  Someone like you is what I should have asked but given that we were talking about his grandfather on the verge of dying and all sorts of other topics, being so hey I think you're cute (but you're young and I feel creeped out dating younger), want to try the whole date thing out? *Facepalm* That's where I am at.  One big *facepalm* or *head desk* that relates to school too but mostly this situation.

I have been letting things be because as Kelly Clarkson says, just because I'm alone, doesn't mean I'm lonely and that is true, and I also want things to happen naturally and quite frankly I suck at flirting when I second guess myself - and I am second guessing myself with him because I don't think I'm what he wants and yet on paper he's good, and yes he's cute, just not sure if we have more than friends chemistry.  Good lord.  Well now that all that nonsense is out of my brain on to the Hebrew.

Stress, I do not like you...

I understand you are a necessary part of life - we need a fight or flight response.  The problem is when you mix fight or flight with estrogen you get a bizarre and well NLLL'up cocktail.  So for example this week as I started my Hebrew Intensive Course in which I will cover a year's worth of work in 24 days, a task for which the word stress does not convey the degree of onslaught, I get my worst period in over a year.  An almost equivalent to my non-IUD light period.  Which is to say basically my uterus is exerting itself big time and with that comes all the emotions.  Those emotions are what you may ask - well tears, yes lots of those but also a serious case of lust.  I don't know if lust is the right word for it.  Actually it's not the right word for it because I don't want necessarily want someone, I'm just craving that adrenaline rush, that first good kiss or any good kiss but definitely the first goods ones are normally the best.  It's weird, I don't know why that's what I want, maybe it's to offset the emotions.  Regardless it's not going to happen any time soon that's for sure.

I mentioned a little while back about a "date" I had with a classmate to run.  And before you wonder why you've heard so little of all this was primarily because I didn't think of it as a date until I stood in the freezing drizzle wondering why the hell my stomach was doing gymnastics.  And I swore to myself as we walked to our respective buses that I would not date him, he was going to stay here and I was going to do a PhD program - solved any problems.*  Since then he and I have been trying to run together more often, and there have been definite moments where I think he likes me but I just cannot for the life of me distinguish whether it's like like or friend like.  And for a long time it didn't matter to me.  And now, I'm questioning that.  He's sweet.  And this is where I could go on about both sides of the coin.  But at the end of the day I think the program we're in seems to push people together so they're close enough to be dating, you start looking out for each other in deliberate ways, trying to shuffle our burdens towards some kind of mutual distribution (burdens being life ones, not homework just in case you're wondering though most people will help others).  But maybe because of that there is little to no incentive to actually take any plunges.  You know that person likely does not have a life elsewhere, I mean they spend most of their waking and some of their not waking hours with you or classmates, so why date them, why complicate things?  What if I want to complicate things? 

Decisions I cannot make until August 10th... which is probably a good thing.

*Now that a PhD isn't happening this has become a fragile insistence - damn it!

Biggish Update

First and foremost I celebrated my entrance into a new decade last Friday and it was A-MAZ-ING, full of awesome people, wonderful music and well it was just enough to make this girl spend most of the night after it was all over in joyous tears about how awesome things are.  So overwhelming.

I figured I should start with the good stuff first - after that amazingness, I must confess it sort of goes downhill - quit online dating and I'm really glad about that, it will come when it comes, not closed to options including online but right now is not the right time for the emotional part. 

However,

It is the time for my ovaries to really get into the who they want to procreate mode. I really feel like it is not fair to have a body part that can excrete hormones trying to dictate what the rest of me is going to do, when quite frankly I cannot do a damn thing about it.  Sure I want a baby but not without the support of a partner.  The reason that I bring this up, I was sitting in the atrium this week at school trying to read and the baby er man that my dad had been cooing over in the Fall walked in with the 2 year old he takes care of.  If my ovaries could have chased in him down they would have.  He was so cute. But he's SO young and I just cannot.  I know there are plenty who can, I however, cannot.

The musical soundtrack to my birthday, see I told you it was A-MAZ-ING:

Things that make you go hmmm

Have you ever heard of GOOGLE?

I am sure you have, but I seriously question the men on this site.  So this site I'm on is one of those where free is an option but a severely restricted option - so basically they're forcing the women to pay to weed through and fend off the weird ones, or the smart men actually use Google and figure out that my user name is the name of one of my other blogs, Twitter handle and if you smack hotmail.com on the end of it you get one of my email accounts.  I picked that username on purpose because of this issue, saves me the money and is like the basic thinking level hurdle.  Seems like it's tripping up EVERYONE.  If you're wondering when I did this 5 years ago, within hours my MySpace account had messages from men I'd checked out (they can see your views on this site in question).

It also seems like this lack of being aware that your user name can be Googled and you can be investigated has also not factored in to what they may or may not want to hide.  I found someone not super close by but close enough, same country, same area-ish with just a body of water and a ferry between us.  Not crazy but not ideal. Then again if he's batshit, which is sort of my default assumption (yes I'm horrible), it means that I don't have to worry about running into him, which is actually becoming a major source of anxiety for me right now.  Deal with one psycho ex and you're ruined for life it seems.   Anyway, so I Googled said man/boy and he's on a bazillion dating sites.  This should likely not be a red flag, hell you throw the net wide, but it's a definite hmmmm.  Even more so, OkCupid's site show in the personality test contradictions to what he has written about himself.  Granted they aren't necessarily accurate, but the disconnect is also a little disconcerting.  You state yourself as one way and the personality test sees you another, either way you aren't so self aware. 

So I'm over thinking all this - it is definitely pushing my boundaries and comfort zones in ways I didn't expect it too and it's becoming a little difficult to not feel anxious, worrying about safety and etc.  But I might just email this one, you know push the envelope a little further...  We'll see.  I am still kind of stuck in the if he's interested enough he'll get his shit together place.  One plus to this boy, he's got tats, to which I know Ms. J is reaching out from wherever she is and trying to smack me. *duck*

Change of Plans

I think I might need a change in my dating profile description because as much as I had and still have no intention of turning it into an essay I still feel like I'm getting too many old men, cowboys and service men.  I can come off as an elitist a lot of the time when I speak my mind on "paper" and that is often not far.  In talking to JS last night I was trying to explain this tension I have in that while I respect that trade workers not only work hard but that they make good money, I know likely intellectually they're not on par.  If I was 20 and just wanted to have fun and snog a few cute boys that would be fine.  However, that is not the case now, and no amount of amazing snogging and other is going to keep a marriage alive.  Especially not a marriage to me, who yes as a woman who has a libido now, is also fully aware there will comes days or months where I might be the size of a house carrying spawn and I want to know I can related and depend on someone.  To talk through things - because I am a talker - that is how I process.

So anyway that's the plan for the moment to give this whole on-line thing the good ole grad school try.

Life is Weird

I think we all know that, but I mean some days I seriously wonder about things, like how we can wander around so close to amazing things happening and then tumble into them.  I would love to tell you all about the amazing day I had, unfortunately no work has come out of it, and there might be some in the future, but it was a good connection day.  Good, good stuff - no men stuff in that good, good stuff - yay me, doing healthy stuff for me stuff.

And then this evening as I groan about the status of things on-line while chatting with X, I felt like reviewing our little Blog Boy listing and thinking about who is where and who should be crossed off for other purposes and I paused at DB's name.  It's always been one I've struggled with, primarily because he's been in many ways the mythological man in my life who has in the past represented all the things I wanted, or thought I wanted.  I haven't had that feeling for a long time, basically since I started therapy and realized that I needed to fall in love organically, none of this make a list shit.  But that doesn't mean that DB of make a list shit fame doesn't in some small way haunt me in rare moments like this.  So what do you do when someone haunts you and is well not actually dead.  You Google them of course!  And according to the brilliance of Google it turns out DB and I are practically neighbours!  How after living in this neighbourhood going on 6 years have he and I one never run into each other in the only freaking grocery store for like miles and miles (doesn't this always happen in the movies) and two weird.   Even weirder is he's like two blocks away from this good connection I just made.  I kind of feel like I'm being prepared to exorcise this haunt.  I do not feel like I've been prepared enough other than to not freak out when the time comes to do the deed and release it all. Cryptic and weird - yes.  But I think that's what happens when said person was the entirely unattainable hot older brother of a shitty friendship that you really only held onto for said older brother.  It's all NLLL, but yes we are talking about me and men so that's not so surprising now is it.

And if you're wondering if I'm going to start running past his house, goodness no, quite the opposite.

Again unrelated music - but it's awesome, so there.

*Facepalm*

I am at the point where I fear for my nose and my frontal lobe for the amount of *head desk* moments this on-line dating has resulted in.  I don't want to flog this issue but I just wish, and it's really a small wish, that the selection of men wouldn't be so, well depressing.  Between the ones looking for a servant or a mother to those who just seem royally "questionable," I am kind of afraid.  Honestly I'm kind of glad that for the last five years I've stepped away from the on-line dating world and also carved out a place of relative anonymity on-line.  I try to ensure anything I do on line is not linked to anything thing else, I do this primarily because of CEF but I also do it so times like this I can vent and not be worried that some tech savy boy has hunted me down.  Yes I even tweet separately.  Sure this kills some of my on-line clout, or almost all of it, but if I had to chose in the end I'd rather be obscure and honest than completely out of this altogether.

I am only going to give this website another week and then I'm out of there.  It doesn't seem to be worth my time.

A Few Laughs and It Seems to be Over

So I finally revealed to a few friends that I signed up for online dating, one of those being X, and all of them were thrilled.  Funny because I am sure not.  I have sifted through the profiles and maybe, just maybe there are like 2 maybe 3 possibilities.  They haven't contacted me and to be honest I'm not so sad about that.  The whole thing has just become one big *facepalm* and reminded me that I truly believe that the better option is face to face, those random encounters.  Maybe we need to start some kind of pay it forward date set up trend.  I know I have great guys who are not great for me - but alas.  Here we are, with really no options other than expand the next to long-long distance which I HATE.  Missed X bitterly when we weren't together and it's no way to really have a relationship.

So there we are the dating pool is dry once again.  I need a drink.

*Le Sigh*

Within the first 24 hours of being on the dating site it seems the only men attracted to me were one, nothing that I indicated I was looking for and two men who should know that I am not what they want.

But then again that's not why they are on a dating site, because who cares why I'm there.  They do not see it as a dating site, a site to find a partner for life, not truly, no they're shopping for a NLLL uterus.  This uterus shopping business always brings up in me a combination of blood boiling mad and pity for them.  I feel like sitting down these dear 50 something year old men and asking what they think we have in common.  I am not looking for a daddy, sugar or otherwise, I have a father.  While I might be wrong, I still consider myself young and because I still consider myself young I still see myself travelling, moving places like NYC to finish my schooling and or do specialized training or Portland and settle down in an eclectic neighbourhood, pursue the art of feeding and loving people.  I do not see myself fitting into someone's manufactured, cookie cutter void and getting on with the life they want.  Maybe I'm ageist.  I find that slightly ironic given my education in gerontology.  But I think there is a difference between wanting to help all people including their families embrace aging and marrying someone smack in the middle of that process.

Sorry I'm venting but this whole process is creeping me out a lot.  Maybe because for the last 5 years I have deliberately changed myself to be one a more private person on the Internet.  WHAT? Contradiction.  One this is anonymous, two this has very little connection to the flesh and blood person I am, in that while I am wholly honest, I'm also as much as possible deliberately vague, and now I'm on a dating site with a little generic blurb about myself and pictures and I feel like a piece of meat and it is well, violating.  I didn't think I would feel violated but I do, oddly. Hmmm.  We're going to have to come back to that issue.

So Tempted

I am so ridiculously tempted to drop this online thing.  Why? So soon?  Well I realized today as I hoovered down my lunch in my usual 10 minute speed break from the library, when do I have time to date?  Really?  When do I have time? Realistically it is not fair to get to know someone and then tell them that my standing date with the library will actually take eternal precedence.   Nevermind, I have to weed out the jealous ones because my new program is 80% male (though about 90% of those are married).  So I can just see it now, hey new BF I am going to be spending this weekend in the library with my fellow Hebrew language peeps, feel free to stop by at say 2 when my bladder demands I get out of my cubicle or about 9 when I stumble home ravenous and beyond exhausted.  Take your pick!  But then again, as X knows, this is what the rest of my life is going to look like in some aspect or another - crazy long emotionally draining (but worth it) hours.

I am giving this process to the end of the week and then I'm out of there.  Reasonable?  Seems like that to me because this whole thing is making the boy two cubicles behind me actually look attractive and he's normally a bombastic ass.

Maybe, just Maybe

I might be too Bitchy McBitcherson for my own good.

I was scanning old posts, trying to figure out where I have been in the last few years and get a little perspective.  Well it seems that while I'm actually a lot funnier and quirkier than this blog demonstrates most days I definitely do not mince words when it comes to menfolk, and that is actually very true to life. The following gems, though almost two years old now definitely still represent how I feel, though my BCBG stilettos have been shelved until they can be re-heeled.

"Personally for me a man who can't initiate is destined to be skinned alive not only on this blog but also by me. Maybe I am jaded, just too many man children running around - you have to test them with a little flame or hook to see what they're made of, or maybe it's like X says, relationships are a dance, an equal give and take partnership, if it's lopsided you fall and someone get's smooshed/crushed in the process. In the end their weakness will result in them finding their way to the bottom side of my soft gray BCBG stiletto pumps."

And last but not least a comment in regards to this post by TOITB:

"We (women) are insane - I think you (X) know that and well the men I have come to know personally definitely push the stupid category (AB, DirectoryBoy, OM and the list goes on). In the end it is about finding someone you think is a tolerable amount of insane, and for me that means I need to find someone that doesn't make me want to self lobotomize myself with a plastic knife. So romantic isn't it?"

Well as we can tell the dating world is going swimmingly and once again I am enjoying the space in my bed and the freedom to go to Starbucks without caring that I don't have any eyeliner on. 

Feel Free to Smack Me Anytime Now

First it should come as no surprise to you that I'm now going to be posting more often over the next few weeks because I have papers to do.  Oddly posting though procrastination seems to be the mental equivalent of going for the run to calm my nerves, it gets some of the ants out of me.

So on that note, today's post and the reason you can smack me.

This online business has made me realize I like being single.  For the love of all things pink and sparkly where are all the good ones for me?  I am not saying that online dating is full of duds, I means I know there are duds, but they are everywhere.  Which as an aside is rather unfortunately because if they could all be relegated to the interwebs maybe life would be more peaceful.  But this is not my point.  I know I'm unique, and I mean that in all the positive and not so positive aspects of that word.  I really cannot date Americans - though yes if you are counting CEF, X and the majority of my currently peer selection fall into this category.  I don't have a problem with Americans, I have a slight issues with their lack of health care and their bloody backwards ideas about marriage, birth control and war, especially war, being that I am a pacifist.  So you add that plus the graduate degree I'm pursuing which is extremely polarizing in the religious community I am apart of and fishing in for my "future someone," then tack on the dysfunctional body and even more complicated and dysfunctional past, especially the lack there of my v-card.  Which taking another aside was lost not by my choice initially and then it was freely given to AB and X.  I don't have any qualms with that part of my life, with those choices, but I have come across men who believe that I beyond damaged goods for those choices, that I've passed myself around.  Which quite frankly is a completely sordid load of NLLL in my opinion.   So whatever, the point is not to say I'm broken and a mess.  I guess, the issue is the same as it was 5 years ago.  People, including myself, are too damn complicated to be online dating.

So basically I've come to the opinion not only is it a load of NLLL, but that X is still the best one out there.  Yes yes and this is where I have to also say and how exactly do I and X maintain a relationship? We cannot and such is this whole bloody crock.  I still love a man who is wholly unattainable.

Even worse I cannot even claim the following for my actions:

Oh well.  Back to the books.

What Have I Done?!!!

I have signed up for an online dating site, 5 years after I shut down my last account.  I must admit that while a lot has happened in my life in the last 5 years, it seems that not a lot has happened in the online dating world.  I am still over educated and fishing around in a pool of men who seem to seriously undervalue the importance of a capitalized "I."  It will be good for laughs with JS and my roommate, but I seriously doubt that anything will come of it. But I will let you know.

So in light of this whole profile business I must post this which seems to be the story of my life these days.  Not me sleeping around, but I've sort of, shall we say marginally, come to accept that I am going to be the "slut" of the school.  Personally I hate the word, I wouldn't use it on anyone, but it seem in my very conservative school that because I'm a woman with breasts who does occasionally have cleavage or my shoulders bar that I'm scandalous.  Even further to that scandal I'm a feminist who uses birth control which according to a very interesting but ultimately sad  conversation with DirectoryBoy, who if you remember is a medical doctor, birth control is only for promiscuous women.  Yes you heard me.  I guess I haven't been using mine to its full potential.

Primarily because I love this site: http://editorrealtalk.tumblr.com/

Not all Date Failures are Real Failures

I was joking with MW today on FB that our friendship is the result of a failed blind date we had in 2007.  More so we had no chemistry, maybe even subzero chemistry.  And maybe that was a good thing.  I was a girl with big wounds I was ignoring and if MW and I had even remotely close to the banter we sometimes get to these days I'd have imploded that relationship and possibly not addressed my real issues in the same process.

But now?

Well I recovered from the initial hurt of rejection, I did think he was funny and cute despite the chemistry issue, I was prepared to role with things.  Hey I was young, I had yet to understand how important chemistry is. And now? Now we're pretty good friends.  I could and would say that I love the guy, not in love with, but I think really really highly of him.  Yes we have continuous cheeky banter that goes back and forth that might make some of my girlfriends eye brows raise, but I will say none of that happened while I was with X (he's a gentleman like that even if he has no intentions) and I think we both know that we would probably die of laughter before actually doing anything remotely romantic if we met up again.  Honestly that is what I like, he's safe in all the good ways - makes me laugh, kind heart and a good listener.

So, I know what you're saying - sounds like most if not all the ingredients for a relationship.  Well he and I are different souls, he's a wanderer and I like roots (As Ms J, X and HSBFF will attest I do not travel well - I'm like a banana), he's a wilderness man and I love the city - I need noise, and not the noise of chickens kind of noise.  That being said, it has made me ponder today this:

As important as chemistry is, when is the need for companionship and procreation a stronger push.

I guess what I am trying to suss out is MW and X would make great dads and partners.  Both are by no means perfect for me, X is definitely more so, but regardless, is this the time to find the best partner and future father for my children and put aside the need for steam in the bedroom?

And I will add that as MW has pointed out there is a difference between passion and chemistry, or is there?

This does not necessarily relate but I love Annie Lennox and the Fray and together well it's perfect

OH EM GEE and other updates

I have been wanting to write for a while but I keep finding that well the library is not the safest place to vent, as I try and to post as privately as possible.  Yes I am aware that is counter-intuitive in the blog-o-sphere but it works for my life in a small graduate school and my future career options.

So given the range of topics I am going to try and bullet point this and group according to topic.

1. School
It's exhausting, it's expensive and in many respects I feel at times it is sucking the life out of me while it stretches me beyond myself.  So from that sentence you can see it is good and bad.  Part of the bad is my summer courses are not covered by government student loans (LONG STORY) and when I was on my original track to be finished by April that was a huge deal.  My dad generously offered to foot the bill.  A massively big deal.  But I've come to question my education choice and my ability with respect to those changes to keep going.  So I've decided to drop one of my courses and drum roll

Switch Degrees and life courses while we are at it.

I am switching to a long program, completely shelving the PhD and embracing the reality that absolutely crazy life while it does not define me has given me tools and experiences that I need to use.  It took 4 years of psychotherapy and a completely stupid meltdown about a paper on sexuality to get me here.  More so it took my beloved shrink to tell me I was being stupid and I could still do a PhD but I needed to maybe diversify my alternatives for me to realize I didn't want the PhD.  Well maybe some day but she saw before I did that the PhD like my MD dreams had come to define who I was and every struggle thus became monumental, an epic clusterf*ck of an existential crisis would arise in the pressure cooker that is my program.  So yes new program, longer schooling - but it does give me a little freedom to work, which I will start doing - at some point.

Not to say this new program is not going to be a crazy experience - currently I'm finishing a mental health class which involves all sorts of discussions about faith and mental health, primarily suicide.

2. Men

Lord have mercy, this really should be the last topic but alas it's here:
a) X and I had our semi regular Skype date during which time I always fall back in love with him and then spend the next day (today) trying to remind myself that if he felt the same way then things would be different and leave it be for now or always, you need to leave it be.  Love him for who he is - an amazing friend and accept it.

b) Belgian boy has gone MIA for reasons unknown to me and I'm okay with that - he's cute but now that I've changed programs it would make a relationship difficult.

c) When I started my mental health class two weeks ago, guess who was in the first row? This douche, yes him, and he's even worse in group social situations.  I just cannot abide his behaviour.  He's abrasive and "apologizes" by saying that's just who he is.  No actually sir you do not get to be a complete ass around me and think I am not going to verbally b*tch slap you one day.  That day?  Oh it is coming because this dear soul and I have 7 weeks of intensive Ancient Hebrew together, that is 7 weeks, 4 days a week for 5 hours a day.  Boy will be lucky if he walks away with just one smack down. There is so much more to it but I don't need to ice this cake, he's a piece of work and that's about where it stands. HSBFF thinks he likes me, I do not think so but if he does there is not enough grace in my being to even grant him a pitty date, and we all know I have granted those to some seriously socially questionable fellows in the past. (POSTSCRIPT: I did bug the hell out of him in a juvenile way that made me ridiculously happy and made him pout)

3. Age

I am ageing. Seriously so, and I have a big birthday coming up, not that I mind this next decade.  I think it's just the idea that I'm single with no spawn and into this decade where there is a little mind issue.  BUT that does not mean I am not going to have fun and embrace this journey.  On that note my amazing roommate bought me those AMAZING (Squeeeee!!!!) heels that she had to pry out of my hands as I silently wept back in February.  Sweet baby Jebus they are gorgeous.   But while she got me an amazing luxury gift I have actually been struggling for gifts that are important and practical that I will love.  Sure everyone knows I'm freakishly poor but gift cards while nice are not something where I am going to be able to say like the shoes X bought for Christmas, my X bought them for me, isn't that nice?

So here is what I need:

Clothes - we know that
Flats and sandals - realistically I need a pair of good black flats and two pairs of sandals, one silver and one brown or black - get me through summer.
Messenger Bag - my Lululemon one kicked it back in Winter and I did a sew job but she's looking beyond sad.
Purse - my black patent Lulu purse which has lasted almost 3 years (amazing) is starting to show wear on the bottom corners, which after every day use for 3 years is completely legitimate.
Make-up - Sephora is calling me and I will not answer because I can survive without - freaking expensive store
MacBook Pro - yes that's not on anyone's list of gifts but I do need a new wing girl as my baby is holding in but I fear her eminent demise.

I am not really a jewellery girl and while I love shiny things I'm not into splurging on them.  Yes books are great but given that I am definitely in my cup runneth over stage with those, additional reading is just not a good things for me. 

So there you have it, the update - but not without some new music:

Pushing the Limits

I'm fried these days and I find that my ability to cope with the being fried is limited.  I keep running up against the wall.  So I must confess I'm trying to actively either push through with no drama or rest.  But I'm finding the balance is still sketchy and working is not really helping the situation.  Though it is not hurting it either, two days of nanny-ing meant I could take my roommate to Coldplay for her 30th.  Extravagant for a graduate student scraping by, yes, BUT she lives with the clusterf*ck that is a graduate student, so between helping me with my laundry, my general issues resulting from brain malfunctions etc, she totally deserved it.   She also deserves the cake that I hope is not having a me like moment in the fridge at the moment.  All 7 layers of it better hold together and firm up or I might cry, given the strawberry Swiss Meringue butter cream was a disaster... so we opted for a chocolate cream cheese frosting which is divine, but well maybe a little soft for 7 thin layers of cake... eek.

Well that's enough of an update, I need my bed.

PS No word from BelgianBoy, he's on the shelf, good thing we didn't work hard at a name for him.

This changes things...

Belgian boy as we will call him for now until I figure out if he's going to get any time on this blog beyond this moment.  A group of about 12 of us had an amazingly fun and bitter-sweet send off for him Tuesday night.  It made me realize just how much I'm going to miss him, but also what an amazing community of people we have.  All of us in a library is somber, all of us in a room with a piano, a diggery doo, a beat boxer and a book of poetry by Banjo Paterson (Man from Snowy River) being rapped and gospel-ballad sung makes for tears from laughter.  Bottom line it made me realize how much more time I should be spending with these people rather than it being all about getting out of the program just because the program and I aren't in love at the moment.   Definite relationship about the school situation.

But relationship change between me and BelgianBoy?  I think I might of torpedoed anything accidentally.  I emailed him after the party, just to say thanks I had a great time and in the rush to leave, as I needed to get a ride to the train, I didn't get a mailing address from him.  I had wanted to be able to write occasionally and email is well not the kind of thing I like to correspond via these days.  I spend too much bloody time at a screen these days - I like paper.  Email you can't carry with you if you're having crummy times.  But given that was Tuesday night and it's mid day Thursday - the day he leaves potentially forever, and there is no email response. Interesting.  I'm just going to leave it.  I have too much else on my plate at the moment.   Namely recovering from a fun night with JS, and a friendly bet gone awry.   We'll talk soon y'all

More thoughts...

I've been catching up on my sleep and rest - going with the "screw consciousness"* approach to life, primarily because I cannot function.  I'm a hot mess - I know I'm a hot mess, coming off the sugar, caffeine, adrenaline, the existential crisis - all of it is a clusterf*ck that turns me into an even bigger one.

But back to Belgian Boy - I have been thinking back, trying to trace if I had or thought or even considered this before this past week.  And... I must confess I did.  For one brief moment in orientation - he caught my eye.  But at that time I was still dating X and I believe you can acknowledge someone's attractiveness but you leave it there when you've got someone.   But after that though we were in the same classes together and even a history tutorial together where yes he proved his thoughtfulness by baking cookies without eggs or gluten - a serious challenge.  The kicker in the what the hell am I feeling here moment?  The place we were all at, is a community house for some of the students, and one of the family's has kids.  Seeing a little three year old curled up in his lap had my uterus screaming so loud I am sure every person in the room could hear it.  I know I could.  Note to single men, genuinely being interested in small children is probably one of the top ways to indirectly turn a woman to mush.  But it is what it is - he'll make someone happy and I can take that victory.  The world needs good men and that is all I'm fighting for these days.

Though I must say, I find it incredibly amusing that I'm smacked upside the head by this, while trying to avoid a fellow classmate.  He and I have had all the same classes this past year, the same late night Tuesday class to be specific.  He's a sweet dear man, who is looking for a wife.  There is a distinction.  There is a distinction between wife and partner hunting.  Wife hunting comes across differently, it conveys to me a sense of looking for someone to make life less boring, but not necessarily considering who that person truly is.  That is not to say they're misogynists when they do so.  Absolutely not, I just do not like being hunted irrespective of who I am and where I am going in life.   And since I am up a sh*t creek without a paddle or even a boat these days when it comes to that, why would I get into a relationship where I don't get to figure that out.  But that's a bit of a detour.  He's sweet, and I'm getting all sorts of signals, the kinds that cannot be obscured in any way.  So I have taken to trying to avoid him, in an attempt to discretely give off the signal of not being interested, as I have not desire to pop a single 40 year old man's bubble...

*Supernatural - see I'm catching up on all sorts of tv and wondering if it's doing more or less damage to my brain

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/bahnwolle/7070950057/sizes/z/in/pool-52239892911@N01/