*Le Sigh*

Within the first 24 hours of being on the dating site it seems the only men attracted to me were one, nothing that I indicated I was looking for and two men who should know that I am not what they want.

But then again that's not why they are on a dating site, because who cares why I'm there.  They do not see it as a dating site, a site to find a partner for life, not truly, no they're shopping for a NLLL uterus.  This uterus shopping business always brings up in me a combination of blood boiling mad and pity for them.  I feel like sitting down these dear 50 something year old men and asking what they think we have in common.  I am not looking for a daddy, sugar or otherwise, I have a father.  While I might be wrong, I still consider myself young and because I still consider myself young I still see myself travelling, moving places like NYC to finish my schooling and or do specialized training or Portland and settle down in an eclectic neighbourhood, pursue the art of feeding and loving people.  I do not see myself fitting into someone's manufactured, cookie cutter void and getting on with the life they want.  Maybe I'm ageist.  I find that slightly ironic given my education in gerontology.  But I think there is a difference between wanting to help all people including their families embrace aging and marrying someone smack in the middle of that process.

Sorry I'm venting but this whole process is creeping me out a lot.  Maybe because for the last 5 years I have deliberately changed myself to be one a more private person on the Internet.  WHAT? Contradiction.  One this is anonymous, two this has very little connection to the flesh and blood person I am, in that while I am wholly honest, I'm also as much as possible deliberately vague, and now I'm on a dating site with a little generic blurb about myself and pictures and I feel like a piece of meat and it is well, violating.  I didn't think I would feel violated but I do, oddly. Hmmm.  We're going to have to come back to that issue.

Parents

I have briefly mentioned that my father is the only member of my immediate family I have contact with for reasons in many ways too complicated to explain. However in regards to my mother - I have ceased contact in part for the very reason HSBFF would love to and maybe some of you. Mothers bless their hearts have strong opinions, especially in regards to their daughters and their daughters futures. Though HSBFF is married with a kidlet her mother is attempting to make her presence known.

Some of us, like HSBFF and myself have been raised with honor you parents, but when did the honoring mean altering your adult life course to minimize conflict. I did it for many years while in university doing whatever needed to be done to keep my mom quiet. In the end I realized the best option for both of us was for me to sever the ties - she no longer could nag, and I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted and she had to live with it. The odd thing is I know what she would be saying right now:

1.Graduate school is crazy, you know what happened when you wrote the MCAT - I'm not going to comfort you when this fails too.

2. Moving? See you know you're always trying to run away, you never deal with your problems. To which she would add you're trying to make sure my grandchildren never see me, you know how hard that was on your Oma. For the record you moved ran away from home and stayed away...

3. Why are you running marathons, you know you had those foot problems and you look the same (ie. why haven't you lost weight). To which I have tried to explain - no nagging injuries and I run for sanity.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/24647350@N08/2638469382/

Confession Time

No I didn't buy a ridiculously expensive handbag or pounce on the baby barista boy today (or ever - neverever on that one), I realized that the biggest reason I'm not all giddy at the moment about anything in my life is really I'm scare shitless. So why? While some of you know the in's out's and ALL the details, the majority of which has remained for direct conversation and that is my choice, not X's - she's right about some stuff just shouldn't be blogged. But ya, anyways I'm coming smack face to face with things that no amount of therapy can prepare you for, the great unknown and conversations I can't imagine having when your heart is on the line, but yet I know that I have to have at some point in time, with someone whether that's whomever I am seeing this week or someone else. Now I know BI is going to think this is where I haven't changed - actually I have - the issue is now I know why it scared me before - being the survivor of abuse is no easy road, to be honest I don't know how it's done, because it seems to be one of those you have to live through it processes, you explain yourself into a place of understanding, but you also seem to continually be in a place where you are continually asking the unimaginable of people - for them to understand something that makes people go silent... so ya that's what I'm chewing on today, in addition to cucumber - Ms. J I think I need a drink... deep breath, and one step at a time.

So It's Like the Worst Kept Secret

But I've done a hell of a lot of therapy in the last year, and what did I get out of it, or more specifically what am I getting out of it, a potty mouth. Yes apparently I swear more these days and I also indulge in other healthy past-times too - desserts and shoes. Yes I have come to the land of beautiful people and beautiful shoes and since I'm not prepared to do whatever it takes to cram a wealthy Midtown single gent in my suitcase or however I would get him home, I've decided to purchase some shoes. Some shoes to remind me that I can feel beautiful and sexy and I don't care if anyone else thinks that I am. Because between Victoria and me I know that from my head to my toes and everywhere in between the woman I am is beautiful.

Shoes!! Oh how I do love thee, and note to any future someone special - I'm an 8, and the higher the heel and more luxurious the leather, the better...

There goes the neighbourhood

and whatever possibility there was of a relationship. OM and his ex had a chat about their status, turns out she dropped him like a hot potato or something and has a new man. So OM who's spent the better part of at least two months pineing for her now has it as clear as day it's not going happen. Ouch. So how do I know this? I'm the crying shoulder apparently. Ouch. Yes I've been officially religated to female friend status, I've been defeminized or whatever. Now, dear readers I did think that I could f*ck with the situation and play up the rescuerer roll and get whatever I could get out of that, but really? For one we know it's not going to go down like that - I'll nurse him back to happiness and he'll move on and I'll have one hell of a broken heart... um no I'm too old for trying any of that bs. So there we go - he sailed the dock away from the ship somehow... I wasn't expecting that.

Just in case you're all wondering I even said I won't be the shoulder to cry on because it's not fair for me... wow sometimes even though it is right, the adult voice in me sounds so foreign.

A country song for all the broken hearted ones out there...