Okay so here is where things are at...
Feeling wise I feel excited and like roller coaster terrified though I've never been on one... I just well didn't expect this and I know that's cliche.
On one tiny level the cliche of it will happen when you least expect it is one of the most irritating ones offered to single people but it seems it has become reality.
But really you want details right? Yes I'm not going to hear the end of it if I don't share those.
So Saturday we texted back and forth and it was really sweet - it's nice to have that balance between feeling wanted and not feeling like I'm being smothered. He had plans on Saturday night and I washed my hair and fell asleep in the presence of one of my loves, HP.
Sunday morning I went to church and sat next to the Douche (seriously he needs a new name because dating has made him so much less douchey, he's actually friendly) and his girlfriend and then after waiting forever in line at the local drug store for the important things - mints and chapstick... I hopped on the train and then had to wait a little for him.
Which truthfully was totally fine and my headspace had been distracted a little too - my flights from Florida have been seriously messed up by Delta and I just haven't had the emotional space to get on the phone with them and fight it out because it's ridiculous that they cancelled one of my flights and rebooked me on an early one that leaves as my flight arrives... yes because that makes sense - there has to be an algorithm that would prevent that.
Anyways, we bought salad makings, I proved myself to be awkward in my refusal to just make a decision, which as most of you know I'm happy to make a decision and piss someone off if I care about said decision, but a decision about which vegetable to go in a salad, whatever all work for me.
We then had lunch, moved to the couch, talked and then while I may or may not be a lady, you can fill in the blank. I had to head home to help start the process of moving out some furniture for the eventual moving in of some furniture so CW being brave decided to come along.
Frankly I know my PU is not the man he was when I was younger and the twins cause him more stress than he deserves so I wasn't concerned about that, what I was concerned about was CW agreeing to help move the furniture. On one hand it was great, my back has flared up and on another hand I know my PU loses his grace and attention when it comes to moving furniture and construction and I was a little terrified that it could dissolve very quickly. I went well and in some ways endeared me more to CW, that he could hold his own with my PU.
CW stayed over for dinner and late into the evening, missing many buses and quite frankly if I knew of a way to keep him here with me and keep our respective employers happy I would have suggested it but well that seems like that's a recipe for disaster.
Speaking of work, we're trying to balance telling people we love that we're dating and keep it from our coworkers. And quite frankly as KAB burst my bubble this afternoon, I'd have to agree, that while I would love it to be until mid August, she managed to keep hers a secret a week. I am beginning to wonder after CW's light but on the target grilling by our receptionist is either of us is going to be able to keep this unwraps much longer than a week.
So there you have it... a little throw back
Showing posts with label icandoit. Show all posts
Showing posts with label icandoit. Show all posts
Monday, July 07, 2014
Monday, February 11, 2013
A Case of Empty Bed Syndrome
I posted a long time ago about this issue, here. Most days I am too damn tired or just emotionally disconnected from that aspect of my sexuality, often intentionally delineated because I do not have the space and time in my life to wrestle with it and its feelings. But this morning, even last night, as I laid down all I wanted was someone in my bed, to hold me.
It is hard to deal with but thankfully often easy to forget in the swirl of papers and everything of the deep security of that human contact, of any really deep human contact, especially that from a man. And I will even say it's a little frustrating to be reminded that I do really need it and that it can make me feel all sorts of things I don't know if I really want to at this time. I don't blame the reason for these feelings. But it has given me big things to consider. Like why I felt guilt, like I was cheating on X. Now my brain and heart know it's been a very long time since X and I were a couple and I know he's not coming back around, and as much as I love him, he and I are slowly drifting apart in time and life - what either of us truly needs we are neither.
Now I know there will be questions of subplot/background, I will say only that MW stopped by for a visit during one of his many intentional wanderings across the country. It was crazy to think of the circumstances we had met under all those years ago in the Fall of 2007, even crazier to think that the date that ended with a handshake and a slightly bruised heart for me, became a great supportive friendship where hugs are safe place and a place of growth.
That growth? I realized something sad and profound about myself, the size of my partner/interest has since CEF, and even before him had a significant weight in my life. Not their weight but their height, their presence. It's this small place of fear that still somehow has a voice that says if he's bigger than me, he can hurt me. I realized that this semester when a new student being friendly struck up a conversation with me, and all I could think was you're too tall and at the same time why the NLLL am I scared.
I guess I'm always a work in progress - and who knows maybe that's why the space in the bed next to me is empty - it's where my brain needs to reside on mornings like today rather than the warmth of a safe man.
Postscript: Apparently I forgot to mention that now I'm fighting off the needies? The conscious understanding that what I want and what I need may be fine but the expectation that someone else can, should or even be asked to address those needs is beyond unfair... putting the head before the heart before the other h words too
It is hard to deal with but thankfully often easy to forget in the swirl of papers and everything of the deep security of that human contact, of any really deep human contact, especially that from a man. And I will even say it's a little frustrating to be reminded that I do really need it and that it can make me feel all sorts of things I don't know if I really want to at this time. I don't blame the reason for these feelings. But it has given me big things to consider. Like why I felt guilt, like I was cheating on X. Now my brain and heart know it's been a very long time since X and I were a couple and I know he's not coming back around, and as much as I love him, he and I are slowly drifting apart in time and life - what either of us truly needs we are neither.
Now I know there will be questions of subplot/background, I will say only that MW stopped by for a visit during one of his many intentional wanderings across the country. It was crazy to think of the circumstances we had met under all those years ago in the Fall of 2007, even crazier to think that the date that ended with a handshake and a slightly bruised heart for me, became a great supportive friendship where hugs are safe place and a place of growth.
That growth? I realized something sad and profound about myself, the size of my partner/interest has since CEF, and even before him had a significant weight in my life. Not their weight but their height, their presence. It's this small place of fear that still somehow has a voice that says if he's bigger than me, he can hurt me. I realized that this semester when a new student being friendly struck up a conversation with me, and all I could think was you're too tall and at the same time why the NLLL am I scared.
I guess I'm always a work in progress - and who knows maybe that's why the space in the bed next to me is empty - it's where my brain needs to reside on mornings like today rather than the warmth of a safe man.
Postscript: Apparently I forgot to mention that now I'm fighting off the needies? The conscious understanding that what I want and what I need may be fine but the expectation that someone else can, should or even be asked to address those needs is beyond unfair... putting the head before the heart before the other h words too
Friday, December 07, 2012
How Do I Explain Last Night's Non-Date?
I have been trying to think of a way to describe what last night was like and all I can come up with is AWKWARD.
I arrived on time, although he arrived before me, I hate it when someone is left waiting for me. He was reading a Star Wars novel, and all I could think of is he's a real human and he likes science fiction. Yay, two big pluses to add to his use of the reply "sweet" in his FB message. And then it when downhill from there - including a very long trip to the loo for him. I felt like I was peppering him with questions, most of which he did not volley back, so there was the delayed awkward dead silence, where I was considering offering unsolicited personal information or moving on to the next question or just stand their twiddling my thumbs. In most cases I opted for the next question and so it continued for about 20 minutes. I even apologized for in my words peppering him with questions, that my intention was not to interrogate him and he could just tell me to stop. He apologized, and then responded that he's not a good conversationalist, although he wants to be a professor. So how does that work I asked? You don't like conversations but you want to be in a job where conversation is a major component. Apparently he likes conversations when he knows the direction of the conversation and is in control.
So take control then, damn it.
When the lights went down,he fidgeted through most the first act of the play to the point where I wondered if he was in pain, popping up almost instantaneously when the first act was finished. Although he did attempt to redeem the situation by offering to get me a tea. I declined. He returned with peanuts to share. Aww, for attempt, boo for the fact they were covered in an unknown substance, but I opted for a few any ways. He was better in the second act, less fidgety, though. In the end we left together, talked a little as I tried to explain how our city is laid out (he's not from around here) and parted ways when he finally seemed normal. Maybe that was why he was finally normal, he was ditching me at my bus stop as he ran for his.
Overall I can say I'm a little disappointed. I know it wasn't a date, and I'm not disappointed that he didn't change his mind half way through, to be honest I would have been seriously annoyed if he did. But I was disappointed that we had such a major disconnect moment to the point where I left feeling seriously self conscious about how my personality comes across. I stayed away from any thing controversial, was polite and perky, but not like cheerleader perky. I feel like if a dry run, dress rehearsal of date goes like that, then I have no chance in hell of actually having a remotely comfortable date with someone else in the future. Or maybe it was as KAB texted while he was in the bathroom, that it was him being awkward and not me. One big plus, I realized that while he probably is kicking my behind GPA wise, I've been working and carrying a heavier course load. Doesn't make me look smarter, since I am working a lot harder but it does oddly make me feel better.
I arrived on time, although he arrived before me, I hate it when someone is left waiting for me. He was reading a Star Wars novel, and all I could think of is he's a real human and he likes science fiction. Yay, two big pluses to add to his use of the reply "sweet" in his FB message. And then it when downhill from there - including a very long trip to the loo for him. I felt like I was peppering him with questions, most of which he did not volley back, so there was the delayed awkward dead silence, where I was considering offering unsolicited personal information or moving on to the next question or just stand their twiddling my thumbs. In most cases I opted for the next question and so it continued for about 20 minutes. I even apologized for in my words peppering him with questions, that my intention was not to interrogate him and he could just tell me to stop. He apologized, and then responded that he's not a good conversationalist, although he wants to be a professor. So how does that work I asked? You don't like conversations but you want to be in a job where conversation is a major component. Apparently he likes conversations when he knows the direction of the conversation and is in control.
So take control then, damn it.
When the lights went down,he fidgeted through most the first act of the play to the point where I wondered if he was in pain, popping up almost instantaneously when the first act was finished. Although he did attempt to redeem the situation by offering to get me a tea. I declined. He returned with peanuts to share. Aww, for attempt, boo for the fact they were covered in an unknown substance, but I opted for a few any ways. He was better in the second act, less fidgety, though. In the end we left together, talked a little as I tried to explain how our city is laid out (he's not from around here) and parted ways when he finally seemed normal. Maybe that was why he was finally normal, he was ditching me at my bus stop as he ran for his.
Overall I can say I'm a little disappointed. I know it wasn't a date, and I'm not disappointed that he didn't change his mind half way through, to be honest I would have been seriously annoyed if he did. But I was disappointed that we had such a major disconnect moment to the point where I left feeling seriously self conscious about how my personality comes across. I stayed away from any thing controversial, was polite and perky, but not like cheerleader perky. I feel like if a dry run, dress rehearsal of date goes like that, then I have no chance in hell of actually having a remotely comfortable date with someone else in the future. Or maybe it was as KAB texted while he was in the bathroom, that it was him being awkward and not me. One big plus, I realized that while he probably is kicking my behind GPA wise, I've been working and carrying a heavier course load. Doesn't make me look smarter, since I am working a lot harder but it does oddly make me feel better.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
WOOT Me!
The sun and the Wallin' Jenny's inspired me to get my sh*t together and tackle Adobe Photoshop. Now I don't know if I have made it clear before this point but I loathe technology - actually I loathe really anything I am completely out of my depth in. But I got tired of waiting for my photographer friend to fix my running blog header, so I gave myself a pep talk and went at it. Is it perfect? Is it going to win any web awards - nope, BUT I like it - so negative Nancies you can suck it. Ya you heard me.
On another note altogether - go check out the Wallin' Jenny's new album or The Civil Wars or Adele's new album - crazy fierce music be happening peeps - don't miss out on the beauty.
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