I understand you are a necessary part of life - we need a fight or flight response. The problem is when you mix fight or flight with estrogen you get a bizarre and well NLLL'up cocktail. So for example this week as I started my Hebrew Intensive Course in which I will cover a year's worth of work in 24 days, a task for which the word stress does not convey the degree of onslaught, I get my worst period in over a year. An almost equivalent to my non-IUD light period. Which is to say basically my uterus is exerting itself big time and with that comes all the emotions. Those emotions are what you may ask - well tears, yes lots of those but also a serious case of lust. I don't know if lust is the right word for it. Actually it's not the right word for it because I don't want necessarily want someone, I'm just craving that adrenaline rush, that first good kiss or any good kiss but definitely the first goods ones are normally the best. It's weird, I don't know why that's what I want, maybe it's to offset the emotions. Regardless it's not going to happen any time soon that's for sure.
I mentioned a little while back about a "date" I had with a classmate to run. And before you wonder why you've heard so little of all this was primarily because I didn't think of it as a date until I stood in the freezing drizzle wondering why the hell my stomach was doing gymnastics. And I swore to myself as we walked to our respective buses that I would not date him, he was going to stay here and I was going to do a PhD program - solved any problems.* Since then he and I have been trying to run together more often, and there have been definite moments where I think he likes me but I just cannot for the life of me distinguish whether it's like like or friend like. And for a long time it didn't matter to me. And now, I'm questioning that. He's sweet. And this is where I could go on about both sides of the coin. But at the end of the day I think the program we're in seems to push people together so they're close enough to be dating, you start looking out for each other in deliberate ways, trying to shuffle our burdens towards some kind of mutual distribution (burdens being life ones, not homework just in case you're wondering though most people will help others). But maybe because of that there is little to no incentive to actually take any plunges. You know that person likely does not have a life elsewhere, I mean they spend most of their waking and some of their not waking hours with you or classmates, so why date them, why complicate things? What if I want to complicate things?
Decisions I cannot make until August 10th... which is probably a good thing.
*Now that a PhD isn't happening this has become a fragile insistence - damn it!
awww hugs xo
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