So Maybe I am

A little bit of a prude.  I prefer to call it decorum.  I think there is a range of permissible behaviour when it comes to engaging with people.  I was talking with JS about the girl who drapes herself all over RB.  Yes it annoys me but she's also almost a decade younger than me.   There are lots of things I did differently a decade ago, some of that was being willing to allow for more transgress-able body space.  The problem I found was when you do that your actions and the actions of others are easily confused or misread.  You become a flirt, a flake and your emotions, your feelings are suddenly invalid.  Now I don't agree with this but when I did behave like this the boys I liked were happy to reciprocate with the hugs etcetera however when it came to discussion of actual interest it was often rebuffed with we're just friends sorry you interpreted my gestures as more or how was I suppose to know that's what you meant, you do that with everyone...  It made me realize that being overly free with how I define my friends and those I like can be a double edged sword for me.  So I did end up swinging the opposite way with BI being possibly too rigid, and so in recent years I have been more flexible.  Hugs are fine if hugs are a universal.  In other words, does he hug everyone he knows, then yes hugging is fine.  I was fine with that for OM, AB and X.  Beyond that there is no beyond that.  I know that some are more flexible but as it stands RB and I are in an almost rigid stand-off when it comes to anything, and there could be lots of good reasons for it.  I think one of the top reasons is we haven't put out on the table where the other person stands.  There was a distinct time in the late fall that I was sure he was developing some sort of feeling, that we were going in that direction but I put the breaks on as hard as I could emotionally which I am sure was conveyed physically in some way or another.

Why?  RB is in some bizarre way emotional kryptonite for me.  He's younger and that makes me feel old and vulnerable in some way that I cannot quite put my finger on.  And as much as I know new relationships are hard as hell, especially after being deeply in love with someone else, I know that someone is going to have to be the next one and I just want to know I'm really in a place where I can honour that process.  And at the end of all this all I keep thinking is it starts with a date, and all I really want is just a date to figure out if we really even have what it takes to do the rest.  So while it is terrifying I am warming up to JS's suggestion of as August 10 just texting him a "I like you.  Just putting it out there, not looking for a response, just needed to get that off my brain."  Or maybe FB message.  Whatever, that's where I am at, now back to the Hebrew.  Yes it's back on.