Tired

I am all sorts of tired.

Tired of Greek.
Tired of family drama.
Tired of being very student poor
Tired of running into walls everywhere, not literally, not yet.
Tired of trying to get off sugar
Tired of all that adulting requires of me, like buying a bra, although truthfully the time had come for me to acknowledge that I really need to go up a cup size and finally I was able to do that without a meltdown in the department store.

I am at the point in the semester where there is nothing I want to read, eat, drink or watch to escape the mess, except for maybe this...

A Long Time Coming

Sorry folks I've been meaning to post but well this has been a really bumpy couple of months and it seems like it is only going to get bumpier.

Quick summary to date - Student loans fiasco, Ms. J's mom passed away after a very valiant and brave battle with lung cancer, I've taken on an internship and my supervisor is now leaving and the job has a huge learning curve and the man has lost one of his jobs and will be losing the other in time. And this is hard because well we need money to live but these jobs have been soul sucking and so we're trying to fight in the midst of our school work the valiant and soul sucking fight of finding him a healthier job.

In the middle of all this I've been struggling head on with insecurities born in the fire of graduate school or more so yet to be smelted out, those of perfectionism and over-extension and the new ones that pastoral care seems to be drawing out of me. Painful toxins of control and anxiety in the face of all that I cannot control and know I cannot control but feel like being in that space has set me adrift. It is hard, there has been much weeping and bless his heart, most of it has been done with fetal, head in his lap. In writing this I realize I'm in the throws of waves of grief for so many things I thought I had ridden through. But like the waves we were in on a glorious beach in South Florida, you think you're good and the soft looking foamy waves have violence and they can come in rapid succession, with just enough time to gasp a breath. Not enough time to consider the spiky seaweed in your hair or consider how salty the Atlantic is and how much your eye BURN. I am in those waves. And to hell with them because the sand is soft, the sun and the water are warm and the company is salve for my soul.

I am trying to remember this - holding to this while I venture through the mess that is my maternal family - for those who don't know I was part of an article on the weekend and I'm grieved by the response of my maternal family. Thankfully I'm in Florida so who knows what I would have been fielding on Saturday but it seems there is anger that I've shamed the family. I have no words for this, seriously, especially for people who do not even share my last name. It is moments like this where I am beginning to be okay with taking the man's name.  Maybe it will give me freedom to speak and not have the shamers follow me. The financial situation of the man and I as we do want to get married but right now that seems like something slipping far beyond our reach and maybe that is for the best, maybe we're just good where we are, leaning on each other and praying that we'll be able to weather all of these storms.

This feels appropriate right now, so here it all is and I will try to keep posting.

All the Cheese in a World that Seems to be Coming Apart a Little

CW is on the other half of the world right now tending to a very emotionally taxing series of family emergencies and I'm here trying to figure out how to support Ms. J in her family health stuff, what the hell is going on with my medical job, my rejected student loan, life and a sermon I've been struggling to put into words. Oh how ironic.

I'm tired.

This long distance business is a lot harder than I remember it being - that could just be that X and I were only 3 hours apart and CW and I are 10 hours apart and there is all the emotional stuff, but maybe not...

I've come to realize this summer I need one damn job, not 4. I'm exhausted and I finally am starting to feel ready to really stand on my own feet and do some scary things. Well sort of. Preaching still scares me shitless but I feel that voice itching its way out of me like a butterfly but like a less cliche image...

This year is going to be tough, it's going to be hard and all the vulnerability, but in all the awesome crazy hard ways.

Friends and CW I'm so glad I have all of you.

I Need...

I am not sure what I need. I waffle between wanting to consume an entire carton of ice cream or a box of Cartems doughnuts to wanting to finish off a few gin and ginger ales or crawl into a hole.

I am in the middle of a holy or un-holy storm of the FEELS

This week I called my mom because she texted me like a month ago and well we know how stellar our relationship is... so I finally called and arranged for CW, her and I to go for dinner but instead of letting our light conversation end on that note, I gave her a heads up about this PTSD and yoga project I'm helping with and well that didn't go very well and it devolved and derailed into her insisting that she didn't want to share the balcony with my father when I preached and well that's not all of it but enough of that for now...

So Thursday night I attended the filming (photographs and interview included) for the upcoming article and was actually overcome with all the awesome of being supported by this community of people I don't know but care about the work Nicole does with and for people like me but also struck with the ugh vulnerability why are you so well vulnerable feelings. These feelings were complicated by the arrival for the first time in months of an actual(ish) period - like HORMONES and the exhaustion and all that NLLL. And CW, bless his heart, came over after work and sat with me in all my NLLL as I tried to untangle the emotional extremes I constantly feel that I work to hold in tension - the good with the ugh that is NLLL.

So I figured things were somewhat stable until last night when a nice dinner together derailed when I felt that my mom was critiquing my motives for the article as selfish and not the will of God. Frankly those are fighting words. She's amazing at wedging God into my decisions with violent precision. She doesn't like it then clearly I haven't discerned enough. Oh the words I have for that, they are such that I am sure my feelings today are alone driving Jesus to drink.  Despite my strong desire to never get into a conflict with her because her crying just actually makes me angry - hello dysfunction - but I did finally try to explain to her that it isn't about selfishness, none of this a yay world look at me moment, but rather is a I went through and I still go through NLLL-ing NLLL and I don't want that life, I want to be healthier, as healthy as I can be decision and more so I want that for even just one more person....

So she left in tears and I feel NLLL. I feel all sorts of gross. I hurt.

And yet in this I cannot believe how awesome CW, R and Ms J have been in their support. I know that stuff needs to change and stuff is changing but ugh the feelings scare me, the last time I felt like this was 2008 and I don't know if I'm ready to venture into a storm like that year brought and yet as you all know I'm the kind of person who is at this very moment searching for some water appropriate fabrics and it about to plug my nose and jump in, let's get the NLLL underway, I've got stuff to do.

A Little Bruise to the Heart

I have spent the last 6 years working to have transparency in all my relationships since CEF. I know I have not always been completely transparent and I know I have not always made the decisions others would have or would have wanted me to make, but I have felt in everything I have learned and tried to make changes.

But now with the discussion of CW I have found myself whip-lashed in ways I have never before... I feel sandwiched between super supportive friends and strong skepticism. I have always known and experienced feedback but has always almost always been related to the man - and how it might not be right etc. Now? Well now the judgment is squarely being placed on me and my ability to make an "appropriate and rationed" decision and it hurts. It hurts to see that despite all the work that I've tried to do, all my actions to learn and move forward have been not only for naught but has also become something I am regretting that I even did... I am an adult and I will make the wrong choices, but I am also just as capable to make a great decision and for the record I am not the only one making any decisions - not that any are being made at the moment.

All that being said - I am happy to hear your concerns, your complaints, your whatever... and know that whatever is happening is being done with eyes open and time. There is no rush.

So that's that.

A Little Musical Detour

While I respect and am flattered (and a little terrified) at the rabid interest and desire for details, I'm going to take just a little sort of pause right now to share three songs that are finding frequent play on my iPod - and one artist will not surprise you as I am a huge fan and the other I foresee myself having deep affections for as well.

It is fun, catchy and a really great body positive anthem. I came across Meghan courtesy of a great woman Melissa Fabello who is an eating disorder & body image activist

She is my patronus or muse whatever you want to call it, Sara is it.

  

Ms. J had this song in her wedding and I have to say it is the first time I am beginning to get my heart around the sentiment or more appropriately I find my heart falling into the sentiment.

I Don't Keep Secrets Well

I kept one really well for a really long time and so I think my secret keeping mojo is a little busted. But more to the point, who wants to keep a secret about something that is totally awesome?

Well even though I want to keep things quiet it is going to be brutal for the next while wanting to just throw my arms around him and kiss him when I see him. But alas those moments are saved for around corners or quiet moments in the staff kitchen.

I am still pinching myself. Yes of course I know he is human and I know I am. I know that very much at the moment as my sciatic nerve is giving me NLLL hell. It goes through moments it isn't that bad and then normally I stand up or try to get up off the floor and realize that I would love to stay wherever I am. However unfortunately I know staying on my back doesn't actually aid the process...

I will say that he deserves a little or a lot recognition for leaving work today for a while to come see me at home and rub my back, get me an ice pack and in general try to make me feel better. How awesome is that?! 

I Don't Post Immediately and Y'all get cranky

Okay so here is where things are at...

Feeling wise I feel excited and like roller coaster terrified though I've never been on one... I just well didn't expect this and I know that's cliche.

On one tiny level the cliche of it will happen when you least expect it is one of the most irritating ones offered to single people but it seems it has become reality.

But really you want details right? Yes I'm not going to hear the end of it if I don't share those.

So Saturday we texted back and forth and it was really sweet - it's nice to have that balance between feeling wanted and not feeling like I'm being smothered. He had plans on Saturday night and I washed my hair and fell asleep in the presence of one of my loves, HP.

Sunday morning I went to church and sat next to the Douche (seriously he needs a new name because dating has made him so much less douchey, he's actually friendly) and his girlfriend and then after waiting forever in line at the local drug store for the important things - mints and chapstick... I hopped on the train and then had to wait a little for him.

Which truthfully was totally fine and my headspace had been distracted a little too - my flights from Florida have been seriously messed up by Delta and I just haven't had the emotional space to get on the phone with them and fight it out because it's ridiculous that they cancelled one of my flights and rebooked me on an early one that leaves as my flight arrives... yes because that makes sense - there has to be an algorithm that would prevent that.

Anyways, we bought salad makings, I proved myself to be awkward in my refusal to just make a decision, which as most of you know I'm happy to make a decision and piss someone off if I care about said decision, but a decision about which vegetable to go in a salad, whatever all work for me.

We then had lunch, moved to the couch, talked and then while I may or may not be a lady, you can fill in the blank.  I had to head home to help start the process of moving out some furniture for the eventual moving in of some furniture so CW being brave decided to come along.

Frankly I know my PU is not the man he was when I was younger and the twins cause him more stress than he deserves so I wasn't concerned about that, what I was concerned about was CW agreeing to help move the furniture. On one hand it was great, my back has flared up and on another hand I know my PU loses his grace and attention when it comes to moving furniture and construction and I was a little terrified that it could dissolve very quickly. I went well and in some ways endeared me more to CW, that he could hold his own with my PU.

CW stayed over for dinner and late into the evening, missing many buses and quite frankly if I knew of a way to keep him here with me and keep our respective employers happy I would have suggested it but well that seems like that's a recipe for disaster.

Speaking of work, we're trying to balance telling people we love that we're dating and keep it from our coworkers. And quite frankly as KAB burst my bubble this afternoon, I'd have to agree, that while I would love it to be until mid August, she managed to keep hers a secret a week. I am beginning to wonder after CW's light but on the target grilling by our receptionist is either of us is going to be able to keep this unwraps much longer than a week.

So there you have it... a little throw back

So Remember that Shitty Epic Long Date...

It's actually probably 5 years to the day (or close enough).

WELL...

I have a replacement epically long date and it was totally not shitty, not shitty at all...

It could actually be described with the following expressions/emotions:

This morning when he texted me to see what I was up to today and we were both headed for the library I was really barely containing myself. We spent the afternoon together in the library and yes I was so crazy as to have a nap for the last hour next to him. I did my usual put my scarf on the table and throw my coat/sweater over my head. Yes, I have no shame.

We then decided to go for drinks and probably drove the waitress crazy with our distracted talking, it probably took us a good hour to order and then we were there another 5 hours talking. And we're on the same page on pretty much everything including he's totally okay with gluten free. And this sounds weird and horrible and I'm not sure what else but both of us had epically horrible engagement and life collapses in 2008 and had them redeemed by awesome surrogate family people and well so much more....

Guess who was a gentleman who walked me to my bus and waited for it but did not do anything else overtly chivalrous - hallelujah, not more being cut off or chastised for my behaviour.

Guess who has a date on Sunday.

ME!!!!!

And it involves coffee and books.

So yes. So much yes.

So My Current Mood Might Resemble A 3 Year Old on a Sugar Bender...

So last night I went to bed with the solace found at the bottom of a glass of Viognier and some Brazilian gluten free cheese buns... thinking I had totally NLLL-up it all.

This morning I received an email I wasn't expecting that could be summarized with the following:

Apparently I wasn't a horrible person, I was someone who was sweet and kind and what just happened... Well I responded as bubbly as possible stating I wouldn't be in because today is my cat herding day (the wrangling of a 7 and 4 year old and their 14 month old sibling) but we could talk next week. I checked my email tonight and I have an offer of drinks. My response...

It is on.

It is so on.

Let the awkward games begin.

Um so about today...

I failed.

I went down in a blazing glory of awkwardly timed horribleness that can really only be described in the following two images:

What happened? Well... it all started last week. During lunch last Wednesday I was reading a book  and CW indicated he would like to read it once he was finished his thesis. I finished the book this weekend and realized it probably wasn't a great introduction to the subject so today I dropped of the following book in his mailbox with a little note on KAB's handmade stationary. I wore a cute dress and my sassy leopard print wedges... I was all ready to begin the slow work of upping my game and then...

Not an hour later CW comes in, stops at my desk and I ask how he's doing. Not well, he just found out his dad is dying and he's postponed his thesis because he has to fly home.

All I could think was NLLL, NLLL, NLLL could I have picked a worse day to have that book in his mailbox? No, not really. So the question was do I try and sneak it back out of his mailbox or do I just leave it and explain my actions, if I need to explain my actions? Since I didn't think I could do it right away covertly and after he checked his mailbox and left it there I knew I couldn't take it out.

Because I am all about making the awkward more awkward I emailed him to apologize.

So right now I'm drinking wine, because, well because.

Oh NLLL.

I Need a Time Out or Something

I've been having a bit of an emotional meltdown these days and I know it will pass, it always does... I must confess I've been having the why am I single feelings...

They seem more complicated this time around - I've been trying to block out the irrational nature of LG's break up with me - the words that my life is too much for him to handle - I know it doesn't but it feels like it right now, that I'm just too broken/messy/too too much for anyone... I able to acknowledge that this feeling is being fuelled by CG and more so the article/mini-film I am going to be apart of for a local major newspaper about my PTSD.

Granted he may never read it (though our office does get that newspaper), but there is a very likely possibility that he's not interested in me or we are compatible... so what right?

And of course it seems like the annual wedding-a-thon has descended on Twitter and FB and I want to be happy for everyone, I am, but you know, and at the same time I'm so thankful for where I am.

Conflicted much?

I am kind of relishing all the things that I'm learning and witnessing in my life but even more so in my friends. I have so much to be thankful for - so on that note can someone I love get engaged, that would be great, I can just live vicariously through you.

I cannot find something that fits my mood so here is something from current search for more running music:

The Mission Has Started... (with UPDATE)

So I took the plunge and decided to amp up my seduction/friendship game with CG (co-worker guy, yes I've totally lost my naming mo-jo), I offered him jam, via email because well I didn't see him today and loitering around to see if he would come in is not my idea of being subtle. It wasn't a handwritten note and a book *wink* and I did give jam to another non-male coworker. But yes, I am ensuring that as a woman I'm on his radar.

Because details...

"I made quite a bit of strawberry jam (varieties incl. strawberry rhubarb, strawberry, and strawberry vanilla) this weekend and I know you've expressed a little disappointment that you miss out on all the sweet treats brought into the office, would you like a jar (small or large)?

Happy writing - you'll get it finished."

Response: 

"You're very, very sweet :)
I'd like a big jar if I can? 
I love strawberry jam on hot toast... 

Thank you for thinking of me," 

Don't worry I'll keep you updated. Hopefully things won't end up like things do on Grey's Anatomy, except maybe for this, just you know not anytime in the next few months.

Sooo.... this morning in an attempt to be covert I brought in scones and jam for everyone, AND a large jar for CG. When CG came in I stopped him, I said hi, oh and I have your jam, and then.... and then I regressed to the emotional composure of a 12 year old and I couldn't look him in the eye. OH LORD the blushing. I ran into him in the lunch room, which seriously I'm beginning to wonder is just a convenient place to catch me to talk, and no I am in no way complaining folk, NOT AT ALL. We talked a little about the book I'm reading - on death, he wants to read it and I've offered it to him. Let me tell you my books on death are worthy of lending to a select few, like AE. I'm not inclined to just hand over a book that I've been making notes in already... I'm in trouble.

Even more challenging I am continually being cornered by other staff about what job I might want when I graduate. In theory this is great, I might have employment or connections when I graduate but I'm discerning the foot in front of me, looking beyond, like that far beyond is adding anxiety I don't want. At this point I haven't found an eloquent way of saying that they're "stressing me out."

 

*Mumble* Bumble

I walked into the lunch room at work today stuffed up and well into that zombie fatigue head space that comes with colds and who is there?

You're not normally here on Monday I managed to bumble out, while trying to ensure my face didn't look shocked or excited - you know something like "normal." I wasn't too successful I'm sure but he didn't fair better as he tried to respond with his mouth full, who startled who, I guess. He left and then returned and we talked a little before his meeting. I messaged AE afterward, that I just don't get it. I mean men say that women have this amazing power over them but in those moments, like in the kitchen, when he leaves and I try and catch my breath while wanting him to come back I wonder who has the power? Is it even about having or claiming power?

Regardless of whatever occurs, he's genuinely nice and caring and attentive and those are all qualities I will affirm as good for friendship or otherwise. Right? We shan't be planning a MDiv power couple or anything like that now, right? Seriously I'm not because maybe ironically while he may be wonderful in all the ways I know to this point, I am not sure given everything in my life that I'm thrilled with the idea of considering a relationship with a counsellor. I don't know if I want to find myself wondering or asking, so who am I talking with right now? The counsellor or the friend?

Some of this I am sure will be cleared or aired if an article I've been interviewed for sees the light of day. Correction, the article for sure will, the percentage that I will be in it, remains to be seen and what was recorded recounted my adult life, with appropriate details removed, like other people's names, like LG with whom I had my latest moment of PTSD

Light and fluffy, light and fluffy. Speaking of fluffy...

Mini Kermit Flails

1. X's birthday gift came this week for me and he picked (without my help) my favourite books from Out of Print - I get to rep for Jane Eyre, Pride and Prejudice and 1984/Library cards.

2. Sam Smith's album was released - to me he's a male Adele and it somehow works really well because he has found a way to walk the "I love you" or "I hate you" line with honesty and sincerity that I find male artists outside of the folk genre don't do well.

3. I've been looking forward to talking with my male co-worker - which may just because he's funny, warm and friendly, I mean those are normally awesome people to talk with. However, today I ran into him when I left the ladies bathroom. Actually, truthfully I could have stayed in the bathroom until he left because I could hear him outside, BUT why would I do that? I happened to be in my running gear (I've been running home, so everyone in my office has seen me in a short running skirt and top combo for the last 3 weeks) and he stopped me, put his hand on my shoulder momentarily and then said, I'm making him feel bad about not being in shape and he's going to get on that and once he's in shape we'll go for a run together. I agreed, because, BECAUSE, and of course because being friendly and flirting is a line we're actively blurring at the moment, I promised to make sure it was an easy run.

Guess who has a greater running motivation than the half and full marathon's she's signed up for?

Are we going to get ahead of ourselves? Not really because he's in the middle of finishing his thesis and in a position of authority and I'm summer staff. I'm not interested in screwing with his life or mine for that matter for the next few months. But stay turned... I guess this means he'll need a label which is better than co-worker dude right? 

Hrmmm

So I've discovered something interesting that should have been obvious and I'm not sure what to do with it.

I was mentioning a new male co-worker to the roommate and she noted that I seem to be attracted to smart friendly guys. Okay so this is likely the case, but the good Lord knows I have seemed to aside from X failed miserably at dating this type. Maybe because they friend zone themselves as fast as I friend zone them? I'm not sure. This guy is fascinating, maybe in part because I've really never worked in an office where there have been available men (dating patients was not okay), but who knows. He's has two Masters degrees and is funny and maybe even flirty. So yes that's the new job.

On another note the roommate also thinks that X and I should stop being friends and just get back on the relationship roller coaster. Sure if you can find us a job in the same city maybe we can talk about that idea... until then NOPE.

But this all may be the wine talking...

On another note I recently purchased Miranda Lambert's new album along with Sam Smith's - they're like emotional polar opposites.

This song makes me want to dye my hair platinum again.... but I'd have to hack it all off too and I don't think I can do that quite yet. oops, apparently the wine did get to my head - here's the proper video

Brief Update

So remember when I got laid off in February and that led to the stupidity of March...

WELL...

I am part time employed now (well actually June 2)

AND

I have an internship (paid) that is lined up for September.

In the matter of two weeks I have most of the questions I had before LG and I broke up resolved and it is kind of mind blowing.

That is all

I Need Your Help Dear Readers

X is graduating from his residency and moving to his new life in (according to Google) a cute town. The last time he graduated we were dating and I bought him a shirt, tie and cufflinks for the occasion. This time is different for a few reasons - like we're not dating and this is it, he's officially it and exiting the world of academia and entering the real world.

Since I'm not sure what the real world looks like or what to get a man who you think is amazing and love but aren't dating (I don't think you all need a refresher course as to why).

HELP!

My only parameters - it needs to be easily shipped or order online and shipped and $50-100.

Well that was a little awkward....

So I stumbled out of the library, away from my marking that is taking so much longer than it should, to have some lunch and who do I run into in the main office?

AL*

WTF is all my brain could muster and I think AE could see the blindsided look. He was there on business. So after the awkwardness, he offered to take me for lunch and hell, I being poor, why not take a guy up on free meal. While he was going to plug his meter I turn to AE and say, "He's on the blog." I believe here response involved a laugh and a oh.

It's complicated.

Why is it always complicated.

AL came on to the scene when AB and I were a mess and it was an awkward date. It was a good date but it was an awkward heart moment. I wanted to not like AB but there was no way of denying it all and another boy trying to wiggle into it all was just not my idea of awesomeness. Maybe there are women out there who like the idea of being fought over or complicated over but it was just too much. And the date was too much. He was too honest. He confessed all his short comings and his new found  faith was just, enough to make me panic.

So when he announced that he was single at lunch today. A part of me wanted to back away from the table. Not because of the short comings or his faith, which has sounded like it's growing, or anything because we actually have a lot in common and he's my usual type, he's very similar to X. Chivalrous without being oppressive, caring, thoughtful, open minded...

Actually it wasn't about him.

My heart just kind of curled in on itself when he mentioned he was single. I know lunch wasn't a date and so on and so forth. I realized I've been coping in my post Lawyer Guy world under the impression that I just won't date until I have a job and I'm ready to leave and go wherever to get said job.

And yet...

I don't want to let my hurt do that but I don't know how to not let to creep in on the edges.

Not yet at least.

*To add to the weird I should note that AL and I rarely talk but he messaged me on FB about my lack of job situation and has been totally eager to help and actually been really helpful. So that just added to the weird factor.

Some Days

9.5 days out of 10 I find myself thankful that things have gone down the way they did. I'm not thankful that it hurt like NLLL NLLL or any of the drama, but big picture thankful. The .5 comes from the small picture dwelling moments and the moments like this morning thinking about a conference I passed up because of a wedding he was to be a groomsman at in LA the same weekend. We discussed in January buying the tickets and were going to but the wedding was bumped a weekend and some of the drama around that on the family's end paused that (Hallelujah, I do not have to deal with getting rid of that ticket, and at the same time woah we went from discussing trips and all sorts of things to well whatever, moving on).

But in the moving on, I've realized I really like long distance relationships for one thing - break ups. I do not have to worry about CEF (99.9% of the time) or his other friends, co-workers, church community etc, but with LG I run into his friends all the time and there is this long awkward pause. And right now I'm reading it as, so you've been absent in church the last month and LG hasn't said anything (he would rather die than reveal anything personal) so what's the deal? Even the prof I TA for was surprised I changed churches... yes we all know what that means.

I would rather everyone be nosey or just act like it never happened and treat me like the student I was before the breakup and still am.

And more importantly I would like to restate (not just repost the following, as I've updated it a little from the original)

Sure I'm a little sharp and even at times blunt about all things love, but I do so because it is truly amazing.  When it's good it's good, like world upside down, skip on the rainbows good. But when it's bad, it's bad for all the reasons it should never be.

It's bad because you have the abusers, the cheaters, the man children, the commitment hesitant and the whatever LG was.  And it really doesn't need to be this way.  But since I cannot change men.  I cannot will a ring into any man's hands or a spine into their back and nor do I really want to for either.  But that doesn't mean I cannot make my own decisions.  Those decisions?  First and foremost they involve knowing that I'm worth the skipping on rainbows kind of love.  Secondly that to have that will involve living life differently. If I want the crazy heart stopping love then I need to be willing to live with my heart out and vulnerable.  And yes this is crazy and crazy hard too but even if, and it will get mushed (yep), a little bruised (or a lot) and maybe even damaged deeper, BUT, it will heal.  I know that because it has healed from deep deep wounds and I have come to realize that if you heal them well your heart becomes stronger in the process, not weaker.  The damage, all those bruises remind me that it hurts for a moment but the good stuff, it lasts.  That and the hurts make awesome drinking conversations with friends who honour vulnerability even when it's icky, even when it's hard.

Leaps of love are always done with the net of friends who support me and the knowledge that one of these days I'll hit a rainbow.

Thanks friends!

Well...

I pointed out DD to KAB in service on Sunday to which she responded:

And I get it. He's bearded and he's changed a lot since I crushed hard on his Meno artistic self. I mean whoever knew a man rocking on an organ would have been a turn on to my 20 something self? It was probably the self assurance and not the man himself that captured my attention then and now I don't need that - I have that myself.

I'm totally relieved to know that he does nothing for me - one less thread hanging out there. Every man bridge has been burned, and for all the right reasons.

In all this though I have wondered, looking at my female pastor peers - they're all single. It's a tough gig in and of itself, and it's a whole other level of difficult to find a man who's excited to join you in it for you and not what you can add to them or their ministry. For that reason I've actually decided to not join the ranks of the online dating world again for at least the next year.  I need to know a little better where this ship is sailing, whether it's here or the next province over or a country away... we'll see but I'm good with this. I'm happy to date, and I might even just start asking out men for the hell of it - have to find some men first but while I wait for them I'm happy to start some scandal and date the ladies in my life because well:

Er this is awkward...

So I have a confession.

I used to have a huge crush on a barista that worked at the coffee place by my house (and worked with my first roommate L). And my used to, I mean like 2007 used to. So much so I placed an missed connection in the local free paper. And while I knew he probably knew and I started to avoid the place afterwards and eventually he was moved from that store. I was kind of crushed...(hardy, har) seriously he was cute and friendly and while probably eons younger than me, since I was never going to my shit together and ask him out it didn't matter.

Well...

So I've started attending a new church and I know the best way to be human is to be me with coffee in by body, so I stopped in one of the bazillion coffee shops downtown Sunday, and I looked at the guy helping me and I was sure it was him, after all I'd spent the better part of a year oogling him, sure he was a little more portly than I remember, but working in a coffee shop seems to do that to people.  I didn't want to ask his name, because hello creeper mode. But then I saw the name tag. It was him. So when he started to chat me up, I asked, as casual as I could, did you used to barista at X. He went kind of pale and stumbled on his words. I quickly backtracked, throwing L out into the conversation, you know her, as if she came home and talked about him all the time... she didn't.

So yep, the world is weird and small and no I'm not going to ask him out because well no and there are lots of really go reasons not to like I'm 100% sure he hasn't had a miraculous conversion in the past 6 years and nor has he added 6 additional years to his life to make us roughly the same age.

Anyways, laugh and know while I need caffeine I will not be making his store a regular occurrence.

Oh and speaking of the new church - DD attends there and we can officially cross him off the list - thankfully he doesn't make me feel like my stomach is going to burst forth from my belly button when I am in his presence. And as for a friend from a previous setting to attends, he seems to be ignoring me, I'm not sure if he's pissed I didn't use him as my gateway friendship or he's totally forgotten what I look like although we're FB friends.

I Warned You

I have listened to this album all the way through more times that I should confess to but it seems to have been the perfect mellow but cheeky soundtrack I needed.

This whole song has been resonating with me - the whole you need some bitter to know how sweet it is, and that has been crazy evident this month. I love the line but specifically - "if you want to find a honey you can't be scared of the bees." I don't have a good relationship with bees, my mother will tell you that as a very small child I was under the impression every bug was a bee after I had been stung by one. She eventually stopped coming at every cry of bee, Bee, BEEEEEEE when it was normally an ant. The reality is most men are the other benign bugs (and I don't actually mean that as an offence, shocking) but they don't hurt or they never intend to hurt, and yes maybe they scare us, maybe they're just not our cup of tea (spiders are evil and worms make me sad), but the honey is worthy duelling with a bee (*cough* NB/LB *cough*) and I found some heart soothing honey in all this insanity and maybe one day I'll find a honey too. 

A Little Distraction

I have a confession - I had declared that I would not make any purchases after the break-up because the last thing I needed was shopping guilt on top of my "I dated a total NLLL/NLLL/NLLL-bag (whichever term you'd like to pick) guilt."

But I did actually buy something - while I was scouring iTunes for "you're a NLLL-NLLL for ending the relationship but thanks you actually did me a favour" songs I saw that Kasey Musgraves album was on sale.

Today was the first day I listened to it and I think it's awesome

 

Primarily because I found myself in the sea of doubt and pessimism last night, realizing the days are counting down to my *cough* 32nd *cough* birthday and I feel in these moments that I have nothing to show for it. Yes this April could have (in theory) have been my 5th wedding anniversary (April 2009)... I could have kids, I could also be divorced and healing from the domestic abuse that would have been the flavour of that relationship... I find myself sitting on the fence where I was last year when I signed up for eHarmony, saying oh NLLL it, I'm throwing in the dating/marriage towel, after all it is easier if I do not have to consider man's opinion or dissent in the discernment process etc and I can just adopt since it seems impossible to find a man who would even consider co-parenting.... I know this is pessimism I shouldn't feel. After all I know I'm better off without LG/NB. But I guess I find it frustrating to have the years pass by with no rhyme or reason as to why I (and all my friends are single) and at the same time knowing that my uterus quite frankly has 2 to 3 good years tops and then I'm completely out of competition mode. It seems my male peers who are single want a wife who has years to decide about kids and frankly I don't have those years or the patience to put up with the NLLL that seems to still define the dating "game."

UGH.

Was Not Expecting That

I had to pick up the bracelet today and he took it upon himself despite repeated indications that I did not under any terms want the Narnia books he was reading to me. I have no memories of my parents reading to me and so this was a real gift. He did all the voices and it would be curled up against him, sometimes even lulled to sleep. I have no intention of ever opening the books and if I did it wouldn't be these ones. But there they were and I held in the tears for the 20 minute walk to Ms. J's where I am house sitting only to sit here bawling in the new rush of pain. He even ensured the card was included - given "with lots of love." I realized something as I sat staring at Twitter wanting to curse him out - you know what hurts more that believing he never cared, believing that he did love me and he said want he said still and did what he did like he has with no obvious emotion or care. Surprisingly to me that hurts fresh and deep, far deeper than it did last week. It's the kind of mind  NLLL that I cannot shake off with a piece of pie or Beyonce but I guess in time I will.

In the meanwhile these and the bracelet need a home - part time or forever home I don't know. Who wants them?

I Hope You Know You're Playing this Game With Yourself...

And it seems to be called let's see how big a pile of NLLL'ery I can create and then live in.

AE went to drop off the book in question and found despite the scheduling that he was unavailable and she wasn't interested (and nor should she be) in hanging around until he was free so that I could get the bracelet and etc back, which was the main part of his hissy fit.

Oh dude, this whole business of control is:

Seriously:

And even T-Swizzle the Queen of your kind agrees.

Again - I know you think this is all about you, and your life, and your dreams and your heart and your  guilt and on and on and on, but please:

And yes I will say that I did want you bad but you know what's awesome - there is a little Queen B in all of us who just needs friends to show us how much better we are and how fierce we can be on a dance floor.

And again dude, this is a wreck of your own making right from the beginning, check it, seriously because you're going to be the one needlessly suffering.

And on the last note the song that had me almost busting out some kicks and jazz hands at the bus stop this morning:

And on that note there is a name change - NLLL-EB or NB from henceforth

Update: NB claims that AE screwed up and that she should have interrupted his meeting or called before getting there despite my confirmation that 11 today was fine. NLLL-NLLLing-NLLL dude.

Fatigue

I'm exhausted. I am trying to desperately cope with this situation and it has had so many good moments, great moments of friends but my body is not supporting this process. I still cannot sleep - I lay awake praying for peace and wake sick to my stomach about the situation. I am struggling to eat, tonight's dinner was supposed to be pasta but unfortunately that didn't stay down and was replaced with two pieces of toast, later two cookies milk and now some cheese puffs. Yep the dinner of running champions.

I have decided against contacting any of his friends to apologize for getting them involved to whatever degree they are - frankly I'm horrified by his behaviour but again it is his behaviour and I've been told that my reaching out to his friends as I did was not psycho ex-girlfriend behaviour. And beyond that, I don't have anything. Yes I've considered mis-filing his thesis in our library and all sorts of other things, but at the same time it is not fucking worth it.

It all isn't worth it. Life is worth it. Love is worth it. This drama, totally not.

I'm going to peace out for a while unless drama gets even weirder at which time CEF will be unseeded for the most broken, bat shit crazy addicted to being a victim ex I have had and that my beloveds is saying A LOT, but in all this I promise no long breaks again. I found this song as part of a hunt for a good I've been dumped music mix and this is one of the more accurate of the songs.

Oh DUDE, Seriously!

So I thought we had a sane-ish discussion about the state of the relationship - it even ended with a hug and at 8pm I received a text asking if I had stolen anything else from his place. 

WTF was my first reaction. 

My second was, WTF. Turns out this is all about the Jesus Feminist book I gave him to read with the intention I would read it but more to the point, he spent the relationship complaining about the fact I see myself as a feminist. So why the hell would you want it, right? Apparently he did and he thought that I would have taken other belongings, yet if you look around your place dude I left everything I didn't have to take - food, coffee, mug etc all got left. I don't need them, don't want them. The Narnia series he read to me was only awesome because he read them to me. Why would I want them know. And for the record we know I claimed it last Thursday - dude it's been 5 days.

And he's refusing to talk to me on the phone, has now blocked me on FB and you know what I am fine with that. I want peace, and in every relationship that has ended, except with my first ex who also happened to be a lawyer, I have found a way to be civil if not supportive. X and I are amazing in our friendship support but I have no expectations every man can be like that.  I would like us to be civil given that our lives will intersect and if I become a pastor in Vancouver, in any capacity I don't desire having a bitter ex-boyfriend possibly poisoning the waters given that as a woman there is already fertile ground for skepticism. 

I know I cannot make things civil but I can do my best to be gracious, to try and in the process of not stomping on my heart, being vulnerable and peace-making, he's just making it brutally hard in all the back and forth.

Last Day in the Saga Hopefully

I packed up the keys, a letter, the bracelet and some money and put it all in an envelope and ended up dropping it off on his desk (he wasn't there, convenient for him). And while having lunch and a drink with AE, I received this crazy text about taking friends and my issues with his church etc, so insane that I felt the compulsion despite the alcohol in my veins and the rage that was following it to deal with him in person.

AE accompanied me to have a long silent sit while he dealt with his phone with the customer service people and then we started "talking" over the on hold music as he was waiting. The conversation started off very tense, very rough. AE could shed more light on the whole process, but we basically unpacked the relationship and it was truly tragic to hear that we could have worked if the intimacy hadn't been there and it was just as hard to hear that he "cared" but that he couldn't have said he loved me (great to hold that with the previous discussions about if I had gotten pregnant - thankfully I didn't that would have been AWKWARD) and felt that my belief of love was too early to be real. Furthermore on the money issue that I should have said something instead of letting all the nagging about my inability to carry my own weight sink it in the hopes it would change in time when I was working. It was hard to realize that if we had hashed it all out earlier we could have been in a different place. But I know that different place isn't a place we can go.

In the end we did part in relatively decent tone, I noticed my picture still in his office, and yet I returned home to being de-friended and blocked on FB. I guess that's normal, I just find that kind of behaviour is a new level of petty. 

Oh well. 

UGH the process

I watched Ms. J get married yesterday to an awesome man - seriously awesome and it was full of joy and hope and all the other amazing things and in a small way it did hurt my heart and yet thankfully it didn't really - the joy was a blessed covering over it all. However, once the party ended the real work, the real work of getting into the rough part of the break up had to begin. And so I started my steps.

Step 1 - Sweat the bastard out of my pores on a dark dance floor, in the company of safe people. My toes are brutalized but that was absolutely necessary.

Step 2 - Be awkward. I am fully, maybe too much so, okay with making others awkward as I am awkward. I will take a conversation to that point etc and I am happy to be awkward in my love and devotion. I'm also apparently down with making myself terrified for a moment while being that possibly cruel person sitting on the fringes of LG's life (this morning literally in church) and poking every so often is a hey NLLL'er, remember me, I'm not going to fade away, I'm going to make you, when I'm damn ready look at me, know me and know that you didn't break me but that you also were an asshole to me - maybe those words you said will ring in your ears like they do mine. On that note I will likely not continue attending, it took too much work to make him disappear from my line of sight while knowing he could see me. I am happy with being a nagging presence on my own terms, I don't need him getting any stealth cornering moves up and yes if you're wondering I was calculated enough to leave his keys at home. I am handing those back on MY terms

Step 3. Stock up your house-sitting with good soul nurturing food and some bad stuff - help ride the waves AND FLOWERS.

Step 4. Being affirmed in the blessed company of amazing new friends and an old one and have the words of affirmation from a female pastor, reminding me that in my Mennonite and social justice ways I am not a heretic for affirming that we must consider socio-economic (and race) issues in violence/war, birth control/family planning and just shalom. Shit is real peeps, and being a white Canadian middle class educated woman means I don't really know how real the shit is but I'm under so illusion that it smells nice, that's for sure.

Step 5. Go to sleep, knowing that AE (and KAB by proxy) will be present to support and love through the possibly brutal process of handing back the keys.

Musical Moment

Truthfully I've struggled with music this entire relationship - I've just not been able to find the words in song that fit the relationship - but now, now I've totally got the whole gamut - that also though truthfully is because I totally have a preference toward the nature of break-up songs - they're either the I hate you or the why can't you love me and both work. And we'll run through my catalogue of all those songs but right now this whole post will be devoted to my spirit person or whatever you want to call her - Sara Bareilles and the whole range of her catalogue which has been representing the whole cycle of my grieving.

 

This song is the only reason I didn't "go postal" when I had to go through the lame process of claiming my toothbrush and my loaf of bread and resisted the urge to do everything from an extensive cathartic cleaning of his home or cleaning his toilet with his toothbrush or anything incredibly bitchy although I won't say I was entirely sane, I did reclaim the book I gifted him - Jesus Feminist and I noticed all my Valentine's gifts to him disappeared... and well a grand plus worth of new clothing etc but whatever, I took the book and left a half loaf of bread so he can deal with it - so one day he'll realize what I have to realize on a continual basis my life changed. Anyways - after I channel my rage I normally knee jerk to this song:

   

 It is also because her ep has these two songs back to back what the NLLL Sara? Then I go here because well there needs to be balance - after all I have moments where I know I was all in and truthful and then I pause like NLLL NLLL dude what kind of new life are you planning with those very fancy work clothes... FULL STOP,

   

 Vent through the song and move on...

 

 Because on day I will and that day might involve these feelings:

 

 And all this, the song I used to get me through picking up my stuff and the word I will tattoo on my body:

 

I may not always be brave but a brave woman relayed to me last night wisdom she received - I am being sanctified and damn it I will own the NLLL out of that sanctification and yes I'm aware that might have been a heretical sentence.

Step Back - She's Going to Blow - Part 1 of Many on the State of the Non-Union

Which is a helpful warning that I'm going to be venting here rather than sending him NLLL word laced emails about what the NLLL is wrong with him.

Quite frankly as someone very used to one side of the counselling chair and a little on the other, I know he's got issues - hell we all do and I know that those are present right now, like his inability to own his own shit and so it's mine to deal with.

Case in point - and yes this will come as a surprise to some of you. We struggled with maintaining the line of "intimacy" which is polite language for sex. He has in each of his dating relationships and I guess I have too but well that's ones more complicated but whatever, lets just for the sake of owning things call it equal.

So we knew it would be a struggle, we started on the same page verbally but alas that didn't work - so needless to say it happened. We talked about the fact that while he could I couldn't ethically etc. we trying to work every angle of how to structure the relationship back to non-sex land. It did eventually work itself out and then abruptly in January he started asserting the other boundaries.  My stuff was no longer welcome, my drawer started to thin out, my food was no longer welcome and things changed. I figured that the lack of sex was the issue. Well I couldn't change that but figured we would ride through that.

Turns out the issue wasn't the lack, it was that there had been any at all. I am a grade A slutty harlot who stood between him and Jesus. And you know what I'm going to own that - not because I agree or that I am but if you cannot own that you initiated the majority, that you wanted that kind of a relationship than that's your shit but you cannot put it on me. I have mine to deal with and I own it as un-proud as it makes me feel.

I'm not proud - it was hard and having both of us effectively live alone didn't help - boundaries you are a challenging beast. But I will not be shamed or blamed.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.” 

Brene Brown

Blindsided

I will say that I will be posting a lot in the next few weeks or even months as I try and figure out what just happened. I feel entirely blindsided. I just discovered that LG has been keeping an extensive list of all my faults. It seems like everything from my divorced parents, to the abuse, to my supporting of a woman's choice, to some of my hypothetical parenting situations to my preference of texting to my not driving, to how we would raise our kids to well the list goes on and on and on.

And this where I tell KAB to turn away because I might use some NLLL.

I fucking don't care - I know I care because my heart is a bloody mess on the floor and the hole where it was is currently full of all the salt rubbed into it.

My parents are happier divorced, I'm fucking sorry that you think it means that I don't value marriage.

Yes I'm a survivor of abuse. Yes and I have PTSD. You know what I cannot do a fucking thing about it - I cannot stop it and I cannot think that it doesn't effect me or anyone I love - but I came forward with this on the 4th date.

Yes in the hypothetical discussion about our teenage kids having sex, a conversation we had in the first few weeks of the relationship before we were even official,  because LG had an active time in his teen years - I said I would prefer not, but if my daughter was going to make that decision I would like to know and we would be brutally honest and if she was still determined I would prefer it was in a safe environment not in the back seat of a car because she felt like she had to etc. Apparently this means I will be a poor parent for his kids.

I do support choice not because I think that it applies to inconvienent pregnancies but rather because as a woman raped, the idea of carrying a child to term as the product of that action it is a daily reminder that my body was is continually being used against my will. And frankly I would much rather that birth control was widely available and then we wouldn't have to have this fucking hypothetical discussion.

And yes I swear - you know the ridiculous part when I wanted to tell him to fuck off for pulling away for the last month and a bit because he knew it wouldn't work and that he's fucked with my heart in a totally inhumane way, I couldn't do it. Maybe because I still love him or maybe because I've done such a number on it all and that's not necessarily a bad thing. I just I don't know anymore. I don't know how my preference to text because we both have busy lives and instead of having an hour long conversation in the morning all I say is hey I've been thinking about you is an issue. But it was because I would only to get a response hours later with no information, just a hey.

And yes I don't drive. There are plenty of people who don't own cars - how is a relationship determined on these grounds?

The part that killed me the part that just gets me is he wasn't going to bring this up and yet it was me the one that wanted to stay together who was trying to figure out how to get clarity on his supporting of me in discerning my call and then I get this bullshit, this list, this rejection on all my faults and a trite well you're nice, you didn't annoy me like my previous girlfriends.

I just don't get it - but I guess this is where I end this for now, as I go through all the stages of grief another dozen times before I fall asleep wish the one person I want comfort from, the one person I love would be here and knowing he doesn't love me. Don't know if he ever has, sure doesn't feel like it.

When Things Get Tough... the tough or the weak or whatever I am, write a post...

So a lot has happened since December.

Um... well I basically lost my job/quit/laid off - they took away my hours and the office went to hell sans hand-basket, so I left (and may be returning although I so don't want to but they're nagging me and I like the ones suffering but you know complications).

So I started cleaning and we all know my OCD appreciates the smell of bleach and scrubbing bathtubs. Seriously. So it's been therapeutic, BUT it's not a way to make a living.

All in all the loss of the job has actually been a huge stress relief and I did have some money left over from my student loan which I have been living off of.

All that being said - I have entered a time of discernment it seems.

I know discernment is one of those weird words and I have a hard enough time trying to figure out what I'm doing right now never mind trying to explain it to LG who I totally get is a little freaked out though he's sort of hiding it (but not really).

What this all means is one big question mark that I know cannot be solved in one go, I get that the likelihood that all the pieces are going to fall together is incredibly small and not helpful to even consider.

The pieces? The main one is whether I should maintain looking for jobs in the medical secretarial/technician world or if I should be looking in the region I am planning on/hoping to work in/need to be working in at some point which is church ministry.

I am totally over qualified for one and under for the other with a huge gap in between them where I am actually trying to find a space to land in.

What do I mean by that?

What I mean is to say, I have recently (last 2-3) years felt directed (I loathe the term "called") toward medical chaplaincy. However, right now that's off the table because the only program that is accessible to the general public (ie. it does not require I do my masters with them to start) is in Alberta and it's "suspended for review" the lovely vague term I am assuming related to their admissions, training and likely an issue of having either huge demand or not enough. So no training program means no training. So I could hope that changes but if I stay with LG leaving for a year doesn't seem like an option either.

So that means if the program does come up either long distancing it or ending the relationship. Neither are great, one is far, far less great than the other.

And so at this moment, you may wonder why the idea of ending a relationship is even on the table.

Well... I love him, but I know we've got our challenges and one of them of LG is my job prospects. I will never, unless the economy dramatically changes and funding is restored in the area of chaplaincy, make a lot of money, quite frankly I could make the same if not more as a teacher or in medical administration. He doesn't like this. I'm not sure why he even thought about dating me but it's an issue for him and it's not for me. But I get why it is for him. He cannot imagine moving out of his neighbourhood and to raise kids in an apartment because we would never be able to afford a house in that area doesn't appeal to him.

So I could and I am considering whether I need another Master's in Gerontology in the hopes I could find my way into some kind of patient liaison type job or something in the medical field that borders on social work while working in a church.

The issue also becomes I am trying to come to terms with the likelihood I will ever be hired by a church given that I am a woman and the movement right now is away from female hirings.

So there you have it - I have a guy I think is great, who may or may not need to come to terms with his dreams and I have decisions to make and a lot of emotions and an impulse to in these moments clear the decks and remove everything as an option.