Some Days

9.5 days out of 10 I find myself thankful that things have gone down the way they did. I'm not thankful that it hurt like NLLL NLLL or any of the drama, but big picture thankful. The .5 comes from the small picture dwelling moments and the moments like this morning thinking about a conference I passed up because of a wedding he was to be a groomsman at in LA the same weekend. We discussed in January buying the tickets and were going to but the wedding was bumped a weekend and some of the drama around that on the family's end paused that (Hallelujah, I do not have to deal with getting rid of that ticket, and at the same time woah we went from discussing trips and all sorts of things to well whatever, moving on).

But in the moving on, I've realized I really like long distance relationships for one thing - break ups. I do not have to worry about CEF (99.9% of the time) or his other friends, co-workers, church community etc, but with LG I run into his friends all the time and there is this long awkward pause. And right now I'm reading it as, so you've been absent in church the last month and LG hasn't said anything (he would rather die than reveal anything personal) so what's the deal? Even the prof I TA for was surprised I changed churches... yes we all know what that means.

I would rather everyone be nosey or just act like it never happened and treat me like the student I was before the breakup and still am.

And more importantly I would like to restate (not just repost the following, as I've updated it a little from the original)

Sure I'm a little sharp and even at times blunt about all things love, but I do so because it is truly amazing.  When it's good it's good, like world upside down, skip on the rainbows good. But when it's bad, it's bad for all the reasons it should never be.

It's bad because you have the abusers, the cheaters, the man children, the commitment hesitant and the whatever LG was.  And it really doesn't need to be this way.  But since I cannot change men.  I cannot will a ring into any man's hands or a spine into their back and nor do I really want to for either.  But that doesn't mean I cannot make my own decisions.  Those decisions?  First and foremost they involve knowing that I'm worth the skipping on rainbows kind of love.  Secondly that to have that will involve living life differently. If I want the crazy heart stopping love then I need to be willing to live with my heart out and vulnerable.  And yes this is crazy and crazy hard too but even if, and it will get mushed (yep), a little bruised (or a lot) and maybe even damaged deeper, BUT, it will heal.  I know that because it has healed from deep deep wounds and I have come to realize that if you heal them well your heart becomes stronger in the process, not weaker.  The damage, all those bruises remind me that it hurts for a moment but the good stuff, it lasts.  That and the hurts make awesome drinking conversations with friends who honour vulnerability even when it's icky, even when it's hard.

Leaps of love are always done with the net of friends who support me and the knowledge that one of these days I'll hit a rainbow.

Thanks friends!