CW is on the other half of the world right now tending to a very emotionally taxing series of family emergencies and I'm here trying to figure out how to support Ms. J in her family health stuff, what the hell is going on with my medical job, my rejected student loan, life and a sermon I've been struggling to put into words. Oh how ironic.
I'm tired.
This long distance business is a lot harder than I remember it being - that could just be that X and I were only 3 hours apart and CW and I are 10 hours apart and there is all the emotional stuff, but maybe not...
I've come to realize this summer I need one damn job, not 4. I'm exhausted and I finally am starting to feel ready to really stand on my own feet and do some scary things. Well sort of. Preaching still scares me shitless but I feel that voice itching its way out of me like a butterfly but like a less cliche image...
This year is going to be tough, it's going to be hard and all the vulnerability, but in all the awesome crazy hard ways.
Friends and CW I'm so glad I have all of you.
Showing posts with label cw. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cw. Show all posts
Saturday, August 09, 2014
Saturday, July 19, 2014
I Need...
I am not sure what I need. I waffle between wanting to consume an entire carton of ice cream or a box of Cartems doughnuts to wanting to finish off a few gin and ginger ales or crawl into a hole.
I am in the middle of a holy or un-holy storm of the FEELS
This week I called my mom because she texted me like a month ago and well we know how stellar our relationship is... so I finally called and arranged for CW, her and I to go for dinner but instead of letting our light conversation end on that note, I gave her a heads up about this PTSD and yoga project I'm helping with and well that didn't go very well and it devolved and derailed into her insisting that she didn't want to share the balcony with my father when I preached and well that's not all of it but enough of that for now...
So Thursday night I attended the filming (photographs and interview included) for the upcoming article and was actually overcome with all the awesome of being supported by this community of people I don't know but care about the work Nicole does with and for people like me but also struck with the ugh vulnerability why are you so well vulnerable feelings. These feelings were complicated by the arrival for the first time in months of an actual(ish) period - like HORMONES and the exhaustion and all that NLLL. And CW, bless his heart, came over after work and sat with me in all my NLLL as I tried to untangle the emotional extremes I constantly feel that I work to hold in tension - the good with the ugh that is NLLL.
So I figured things were somewhat stable until last night when a nice dinner together derailed when I felt that my mom was critiquing my motives for the article as selfish and not the will of God. Frankly those are fighting words. She's amazing at wedging God into my decisions with violent precision. She doesn't like it then clearly I haven't discerned enough. Oh the words I have for that, they are such that I am sure my feelings today are alone driving Jesus to drink. Despite my strong desire to never get into a conflict with her because her crying just actually makes me angry - hello dysfunction - but I did finally try to explain to her that it isn't about selfishness, none of this a yay world look at me moment, but rather is a I went through and I still go through NLLL-ing NLLL and I don't want that life, I want to be healthier, as healthy as I can be decision and more so I want that for even just one more person....
So she left in tears and I feel NLLL. I feel all sorts of gross. I hurt.
And yet in this I cannot believe how awesome CW, R and Ms J have been in their support. I know that stuff needs to change and stuff is changing but ugh the feelings scare me, the last time I felt like this was 2008 and I don't know if I'm ready to venture into a storm like that year brought and yet as you all know I'm the kind of person who is at this very moment searching for some water appropriate fabrics and it about to plug my nose and jump in, let's get the NLLL underway, I've got stuff to do.
I am in the middle of a holy or un-holy storm of the FEELS
This week I called my mom because she texted me like a month ago and well we know how stellar our relationship is... so I finally called and arranged for CW, her and I to go for dinner but instead of letting our light conversation end on that note, I gave her a heads up about this PTSD and yoga project I'm helping with and well that didn't go very well and it devolved and derailed into her insisting that she didn't want to share the balcony with my father when I preached and well that's not all of it but enough of that for now...
So Thursday night I attended the filming (photographs and interview included) for the upcoming article and was actually overcome with all the awesome of being supported by this community of people I don't know but care about the work Nicole does with and for people like me but also struck with the ugh vulnerability why are you so well vulnerable feelings. These feelings were complicated by the arrival for the first time in months of an actual(ish) period - like HORMONES and the exhaustion and all that NLLL. And CW, bless his heart, came over after work and sat with me in all my NLLL as I tried to untangle the emotional extremes I constantly feel that I work to hold in tension - the good with the ugh that is NLLL.
So I figured things were somewhat stable until last night when a nice dinner together derailed when I felt that my mom was critiquing my motives for the article as selfish and not the will of God. Frankly those are fighting words. She's amazing at wedging God into my decisions with violent precision. She doesn't like it then clearly I haven't discerned enough. Oh the words I have for that, they are such that I am sure my feelings today are alone driving Jesus to drink. Despite my strong desire to never get into a conflict with her because her crying just actually makes me angry - hello dysfunction - but I did finally try to explain to her that it isn't about selfishness, none of this a yay world look at me moment, but rather is a I went through and I still go through NLLL-ing NLLL and I don't want that life, I want to be healthier, as healthy as I can be decision and more so I want that for even just one more person....
So she left in tears and I feel NLLL. I feel all sorts of gross. I hurt.
And yet in this I cannot believe how awesome CW, R and Ms J have been in their support. I know that stuff needs to change and stuff is changing but ugh the feelings scare me, the last time I felt like this was 2008 and I don't know if I'm ready to venture into a storm like that year brought and yet as you all know I'm the kind of person who is at this very moment searching for some water appropriate fabrics and it about to plug my nose and jump in, let's get the NLLL underway, I've got stuff to do.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
A Little Bruise to the Heart
I have spent the last 6 years working to have transparency in all my relationships since CEF. I know I have not always been completely transparent and I know I have not always made the decisions others would have or would have wanted me to make, but I have felt in everything I have learned and tried to make changes.
But now with the discussion of CW I have found myself whip-lashed in ways I have never before... I feel sandwiched between super supportive friends and strong skepticism. I have always known and experienced feedback but has always almost always been related to the man - and how it might not be right etc. Now? Well now the judgment is squarely being placed on me and my ability to make an "appropriate and rationed" decision and it hurts. It hurts to see that despite all the work that I've tried to do, all my actions to learn and move forward have been not only for naught but has also become something I am regretting that I even did... I am an adult and I will make the wrong choices, but I am also just as capable to make a great decision and for the record I am not the only one making any decisions - not that any are being made at the moment.
All that being said - I am happy to hear your concerns, your complaints, your whatever... and know that whatever is happening is being done with eyes open and time. There is no rush.
So that's that.
But now with the discussion of CW I have found myself whip-lashed in ways I have never before... I feel sandwiched between super supportive friends and strong skepticism. I have always known and experienced feedback but has always almost always been related to the man - and how it might not be right etc. Now? Well now the judgment is squarely being placed on me and my ability to make an "appropriate and rationed" decision and it hurts. It hurts to see that despite all the work that I've tried to do, all my actions to learn and move forward have been not only for naught but has also become something I am regretting that I even did... I am an adult and I will make the wrong choices, but I am also just as capable to make a great decision and for the record I am not the only one making any decisions - not that any are being made at the moment.
All that being said - I am happy to hear your concerns, your complaints, your whatever... and know that whatever is happening is being done with eyes open and time. There is no rush.
So that's that.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
A Little Musical Detour
While I respect and am flattered (and a little terrified) at the rabid interest and desire for details, I'm going to take just a little sort of pause right now to share three songs that are finding frequent play on my iPod - and one artist will not surprise you as I am a huge fan and the other I foresee myself having deep affections for as well.
It is fun, catchy and a really great body positive anthem. I came across Meghan courtesy of a great woman Melissa Fabello who is an eating disorder & body image activist
She is my patronus or muse whatever you want to call it, Sara is it.
Ms. J had this song in her wedding and I have to say it is the first time I am beginning to get my heart around the sentiment or more appropriately I find my heart falling into the sentiment.
She is my patronus or muse whatever you want to call it, Sara is it.
Ms. J had this song in her wedding and I have to say it is the first time I am beginning to get my heart around the sentiment or more appropriately I find my heart falling into the sentiment.
Tuesday, July 08, 2014
I Don't Keep Secrets Well
I kept one really well for a really long time and so I think my secret keeping mojo is a little busted. But more to the point, who wants to keep a secret about something that is totally awesome?
Well even though I want to keep things quiet it is going to be brutal for the next while wanting to just throw my arms around him and kiss him when I see him. But alas those moments are saved for around corners or quiet moments in the staff kitchen.
I am still pinching myself. Yes of course I know he is human and I know I am. I know that very much at the moment as my sciatic nerve is giving me NLLL hell. It goes through moments it isn't that bad and then normally I stand up or try to get up off the floor and realize that I would love to stay wherever I am. However unfortunately I know staying on my back doesn't actually aid the process...
I will say that he deserves a little or a lot recognition for leaving work today for a while to come see me at home and rub my back, get me an ice pack and in general try to make me feel better. How awesome is that?!
Monday, July 07, 2014
I Don't Post Immediately and Y'all get cranky
Okay so here is where things are at...
Feeling wise I feel excited and like roller coaster terrified though I've never been on one... I just well didn't expect this and I know that's cliche.
On one tiny level the cliche of it will happen when you least expect it is one of the most irritating ones offered to single people but it seems it has become reality.
But really you want details right? Yes I'm not going to hear the end of it if I don't share those.
So Saturday we texted back and forth and it was really sweet - it's nice to have that balance between feeling wanted and not feeling like I'm being smothered. He had plans on Saturday night and I washed my hair and fell asleep in the presence of one of my loves, HP.
Sunday morning I went to church and sat next to the Douche (seriously he needs a new name because dating has made him so much less douchey, he's actually friendly) and his girlfriend and then after waiting forever in line at the local drug store for the important things - mints and chapstick... I hopped on the train and then had to wait a little for him.
Which truthfully was totally fine and my headspace had been distracted a little too - my flights from Florida have been seriously messed up by Delta and I just haven't had the emotional space to get on the phone with them and fight it out because it's ridiculous that they cancelled one of my flights and rebooked me on an early one that leaves as my flight arrives... yes because that makes sense - there has to be an algorithm that would prevent that.
Anyways, we bought salad makings, I proved myself to be awkward in my refusal to just make a decision, which as most of you know I'm happy to make a decision and piss someone off if I care about said decision, but a decision about which vegetable to go in a salad, whatever all work for me.
We then had lunch, moved to the couch, talked and then while I may or may not be a lady, you can fill in the blank. I had to head home to help start the process of moving out some furniture for the eventual moving in of some furniture so CW being brave decided to come along.
Frankly I know my PU is not the man he was when I was younger and the twins cause him more stress than he deserves so I wasn't concerned about that, what I was concerned about was CW agreeing to help move the furniture. On one hand it was great, my back has flared up and on another hand I know my PU loses his grace and attention when it comes to moving furniture and construction and I was a little terrified that it could dissolve very quickly. I went well and in some ways endeared me more to CW, that he could hold his own with my PU.
CW stayed over for dinner and late into the evening, missing many buses and quite frankly if I knew of a way to keep him here with me and keep our respective employers happy I would have suggested it but well that seems like that's a recipe for disaster.
Speaking of work, we're trying to balance telling people we love that we're dating and keep it from our coworkers. And quite frankly as KAB burst my bubble this afternoon, I'd have to agree, that while I would love it to be until mid August, she managed to keep hers a secret a week. I am beginning to wonder after CW's light but on the target grilling by our receptionist is either of us is going to be able to keep this unwraps much longer than a week.
So there you have it... a little throw back
Feeling wise I feel excited and like roller coaster terrified though I've never been on one... I just well didn't expect this and I know that's cliche.
On one tiny level the cliche of it will happen when you least expect it is one of the most irritating ones offered to single people but it seems it has become reality.
But really you want details right? Yes I'm not going to hear the end of it if I don't share those.
So Saturday we texted back and forth and it was really sweet - it's nice to have that balance between feeling wanted and not feeling like I'm being smothered. He had plans on Saturday night and I washed my hair and fell asleep in the presence of one of my loves, HP.
Sunday morning I went to church and sat next to the Douche (seriously he needs a new name because dating has made him so much less douchey, he's actually friendly) and his girlfriend and then after waiting forever in line at the local drug store for the important things - mints and chapstick... I hopped on the train and then had to wait a little for him.
Which truthfully was totally fine and my headspace had been distracted a little too - my flights from Florida have been seriously messed up by Delta and I just haven't had the emotional space to get on the phone with them and fight it out because it's ridiculous that they cancelled one of my flights and rebooked me on an early one that leaves as my flight arrives... yes because that makes sense - there has to be an algorithm that would prevent that.
Anyways, we bought salad makings, I proved myself to be awkward in my refusal to just make a decision, which as most of you know I'm happy to make a decision and piss someone off if I care about said decision, but a decision about which vegetable to go in a salad, whatever all work for me.
We then had lunch, moved to the couch, talked and then while I may or may not be a lady, you can fill in the blank. I had to head home to help start the process of moving out some furniture for the eventual moving in of some furniture so CW being brave decided to come along.
Frankly I know my PU is not the man he was when I was younger and the twins cause him more stress than he deserves so I wasn't concerned about that, what I was concerned about was CW agreeing to help move the furniture. On one hand it was great, my back has flared up and on another hand I know my PU loses his grace and attention when it comes to moving furniture and construction and I was a little terrified that it could dissolve very quickly. I went well and in some ways endeared me more to CW, that he could hold his own with my PU.
CW stayed over for dinner and late into the evening, missing many buses and quite frankly if I knew of a way to keep him here with me and keep our respective employers happy I would have suggested it but well that seems like that's a recipe for disaster.
Speaking of work, we're trying to balance telling people we love that we're dating and keep it from our coworkers. And quite frankly as KAB burst my bubble this afternoon, I'd have to agree, that while I would love it to be until mid August, she managed to keep hers a secret a week. I am beginning to wonder after CW's light but on the target grilling by our receptionist is either of us is going to be able to keep this unwraps much longer than a week.
So there you have it... a little throw back
Friday, July 04, 2014
So Remember that Shitty Epic Long Date...
It's actually probably 5 years to the day (or close enough).
WELL...
I have a replacement epically long date and it was totally not shitty, not shitty at all...
It could actually be described with the following expressions/emotions:
This morning when he texted me to see what I was up to today and we were both headed for the library I was really barely containing myself. We spent the afternoon together in the library and yes I was so crazy as to have a nap for the last hour next to him. I did my usual put my scarf on the table and throw my coat/sweater over my head. Yes, I have no shame.
We then decided to go for drinks and probably drove the waitress crazy with our distracted talking, it probably took us a good hour to order and then we were there another 5 hours talking. And we're on the same page on pretty much everything including he's totally okay with gluten free. And this sounds weird and horrible and I'm not sure what else but both of us had epically horrible engagement and life collapses in 2008 and had them redeemed by awesome surrogate family people and well so much more....
Guess who was a gentleman who walked me to my bus and waited for it but did not do anything else overtly chivalrous - hallelujah, not more being cut off or chastised for my behaviour.
So yes. So much yes.
WELL...
I have a replacement epically long date and it was totally not shitty, not shitty at all...
It could actually be described with the following expressions/emotions:
This morning when he texted me to see what I was up to today and we were both headed for the library I was really barely containing myself. We spent the afternoon together in the library and yes I was so crazy as to have a nap for the last hour next to him. I did my usual put my scarf on the table and throw my coat/sweater over my head. Yes, I have no shame.
We then decided to go for drinks and probably drove the waitress crazy with our distracted talking, it probably took us a good hour to order and then we were there another 5 hours talking. And we're on the same page on pretty much everything including he's totally okay with gluten free. And this sounds weird and horrible and I'm not sure what else but both of us had epically horrible engagement and life collapses in 2008 and had them redeemed by awesome surrogate family people and well so much more....
Guess who was a gentleman who walked me to my bus and waited for it but did not do anything else overtly chivalrous - hallelujah, not more being cut off or chastised for my behaviour.
Guess who has a date on Sunday.
ME!!!!!
And it involves coffee and books.
So yes. So much yes.
Thursday, July 03, 2014
So My Current Mood Might Resemble A 3 Year Old on a Sugar Bender...
So last night I went to bed with the solace found at the bottom of a glass of Viognier and some Brazilian gluten free cheese buns... thinking I had totally NLLL-up it all.
This morning I received an email I wasn't expecting that could be summarized with the following:
Apparently I wasn't a horrible person, I was someone who was sweet and kind and what just happened... Well I responded as bubbly as possible stating I wouldn't be in because today is my cat herding day (the wrangling of a 7 and 4 year old and their 14 month old sibling) but we could talk next week. I checked my email tonight and I have an offer of drinks. My response...
It is on.
It is so on.
Let the awkward games begin.
Wednesday, July 02, 2014
Um so about today...
I failed.
I went down in a blazing glory of awkwardly timed horribleness that can really only be described in the following two images:
What happened? Well... it all started last week. During lunch last Wednesday I was reading a book and CW indicated he would like to read it once he was finished his thesis. I finished the book this weekend and realized it probably wasn't a great introduction to the subject so today I dropped of the following book in his mailbox with a little note on KAB's handmade stationary. I wore a cute dress and my sassy leopard print wedges... I was all ready to begin the slow work of upping my game and then...
Not an hour later CW comes in, stops at my desk and I ask how he's doing. Not well, he just found out his dad is dying and he's postponed his thesis because he has to fly home.
All I could think was NLLL, NLLL, NLLL could I have picked a worse day to have that book in his mailbox? No, not really. So the question was do I try and sneak it back out of his mailbox or do I just leave it and explain my actions, if I need to explain my actions? Since I didn't think I could do it right away covertly and after he checked his mailbox and left it there I knew I couldn't take it out.
Because I am all about making the awkward more awkward I emailed him to apologize.
So right now I'm drinking wine, because, well because.
Oh NLLL.
I went down in a blazing glory of awkwardly timed horribleness that can really only be described in the following two images:
What happened? Well... it all started last week. During lunch last Wednesday I was reading a book and CW indicated he would like to read it once he was finished his thesis. I finished the book this weekend and realized it probably wasn't a great introduction to the subject so today I dropped of the following book in his mailbox with a little note on KAB's handmade stationary. I wore a cute dress and my sassy leopard print wedges... I was all ready to begin the slow work of upping my game and then...
Not an hour later CW comes in, stops at my desk and I ask how he's doing. Not well, he just found out his dad is dying and he's postponed his thesis because he has to fly home.
All I could think was NLLL, NLLL, NLLL could I have picked a worse day to have that book in his mailbox? No, not really. So the question was do I try and sneak it back out of his mailbox or do I just leave it and explain my actions, if I need to explain my actions? Since I didn't think I could do it right away covertly and after he checked his mailbox and left it there I knew I couldn't take it out.
Because I am all about making the awkward more awkward I emailed him to apologize.
So right now I'm drinking wine, because, well because.
Oh NLLL.
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
Must Be Married by 2012?
Now you're likely laughing and shaking your head as we did today at lunch over our bowls of Vietnamese food - trying our hardest not to project noodles through our noses - while CW broke down her reasons why. Now I will not fault her for having this, in her mind well thought out, because after all she has been desperate for a ring for almost a year now and if she's going to see one before 2018 she's got to bring her A game - hard, fast and relentless in her mind.
So you still think she's crazy, A game or not - well let me give you an example of this girl's mind bending skill. After snorting on one of my noodles, she turned to me and put it this way:
If it's not next year (apparently she's found someone for me or has her eye on someone more to the point) then it HAS to be (her emphasis) 2014, because Lord have mercy I get married in 2013 - all the bad juju and such like (funny I thought it was the people getting married and not luck that determined success of a marriage...), then by her calculations it would be 2016 before I would have my first child and that my friends would make me 3_. She kind of scared me with that number, I will fully admit that.
So CW managed to scare me - why on Earth I let her I have no idea. I've been there done that in the whole planning a wedding business and I know that it is all a complete waste if you are not completely head over stilettos for the person. So be it 2013 or some other prime or socially unfortunate number, when that day comes it comes.
Photo: http://www.etsy.com/listing/53362958/wedding-gown-julietta
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
*Head Shake*
I have spent the day with no computer and no desire to read Trolius and Cressida which I need to make peace and love with for next Tuesday. I confess I want feed my soul great literature and yes I know somewhere in these slowly reducing stacks of un-read books that I own such literature. But I feel like we need a comic break around these parts and so, I will take you to one of the moments of my life where I feel like life is richest when view from a theatrical perspective. (I will attempt to get this as close to reality - seriously, it's better that way anyways)
Scene: I and CW walking from the Sbucks in one of the local research buildings (aka Dr Young Man Candy Headquarters)
[Walk past construction site on narrow sidewalk]
CW: Why don't you date a construction worker?
S&P: My dad made a comment about me marrying a plumber because they make good money. But I want more than that, I don't want someone who's going to come home crack a beer, scratch his ass and think that is what life is, I'd rather be poor than be without art.
CW: I can see that
[turn corner]
S&P: I don't do manly-men, I am not a manly-man girl
[cue from somewhere behind young apparently single (no ring) geek-chic man in suit to pass from behind - S&P and CW look at each other, LONG deliberate pause]
S&P: No that doesn't work for me either [trying not to bend over laughing]
CW: Ya didn't think so...
I don't know where he came from or why he had to pass me at that moment, but I thought it was hilarious that I would blurt out loud enough for definitely him to hear that manly men don't do it for me.
So there you have it folks, publicly witnessed by more than I am sure wanted to, my declaration that while I would like whoever it is to have more construction prowess than me I am not looking for the next Mike Holmes.
Scene: I and CW walking from the Sbucks in one of the local research buildings (aka Dr Young Man Candy Headquarters)
[Walk past construction site on narrow sidewalk]
CW: Why don't you date a construction worker?
S&P: My dad made a comment about me marrying a plumber because they make good money. But I want more than that, I don't want someone who's going to come home crack a beer, scratch his ass and think that is what life is, I'd rather be poor than be without art.
CW: I can see that
[turn corner]
S&P: I don't do manly-men, I am not a manly-man girl
[cue from somewhere behind young apparently single (no ring) geek-chic man in suit to pass from behind - S&P and CW look at each other, LONG deliberate pause]
S&P: No that doesn't work for me either [trying not to bend over laughing]
CW: Ya didn't think so...
I don't know where he came from or why he had to pass me at that moment, but I thought it was hilarious that I would blurt out loud enough for definitely him to hear that manly men don't do it for me.
So there you have it folks, publicly witnessed by more than I am sure wanted to, my declaration that while I would like whoever it is to have more construction prowess than me I am not looking for the next Mike Holmes.
Friday, October 02, 2009
Case of the Giggles...
CW is giving me a case of the giggles discussing Edward and her own Edward if you would like to call him that, I know he would have no objections to such a term. He's going as such at Halloween much to his own risk I am sure... Twilight, Twihards and all those peoples I have to say that you were dissected by me for X who looked kind of frightened by the whole sparkly vampire thing and the OCD kind of mindset that comes from reading the book - the whole stay in your stinky pajamas...
Other funny convo fragments:
He wants me to put sparkles on him
You know that you're putting him at risk of bodily harm
It's fine the sparkles would just be on his head, besides everything below his head is all mine
You just want to bring that angry Gemini side out don't you
*Snicker*
Just be ready, really ready
He says he wants to live like the 50's, why doesn't he do it and marry me?
What and have a loveless marriage?
No no no, you know what I mean
Sorry read too many of those feminist books.
You know you can sit
No I'm fine
Sorry I like to sit, and now I feel lazy - You know you can file from your chair, just lower the seat...
So what are you two, did you sleep alone?
What do you mean?
Did you have the talk?
Not really, he FB'd me
So
So...
*Rolls eyes*
Don't start with me, because I don't know where to start with him
He wants to give me a promise ring
What a ring that says I'll consider being committed to you
Ya one of those, *rolls eyes*
*Inserts finger in mouth*...
Other funny convo fragments:
He wants me to put sparkles on him
You know that you're putting him at risk of bodily harm
It's fine the sparkles would just be on his head, besides everything below his head is all mine
You just want to bring that angry Gemini side out don't you
*Snicker*
Just be ready, really ready
He says he wants to live like the 50's, why doesn't he do it and marry me?
What and have a loveless marriage?
No no no, you know what I mean
Sorry read too many of those feminist books.
You know you can sit
No I'm fine
Sorry I like to sit, and now I feel lazy - You know you can file from your chair, just lower the seat...
So what are you two, did you sleep alone?
What do you mean?
Did you have the talk?
Not really, he FB'd me
So
So...
*Rolls eyes*
Don't start with me, because I don't know where to start with him
He wants to give me a promise ring
What a ring that says I'll consider being committed to you
Ya one of those, *rolls eyes*
*Inserts finger in mouth*...
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