Okay so here is where things are at...
Feeling wise I feel excited and like roller coaster terrified though I've never been on one... I just well didn't expect this and I know that's cliche.
On one tiny level the cliche of it will happen when you least expect it is one of the most irritating ones offered to single people but it seems it has become reality.
But really you want details right? Yes I'm not going to hear the end of it if I don't share those.
So Saturday we texted back and forth and it was really sweet - it's nice to have that balance between feeling wanted and not feeling like I'm being smothered. He had plans on Saturday night and I washed my hair and fell asleep in the presence of one of my loves, HP.
Sunday morning I went to church and sat next to the Douche (seriously he needs a new name because dating has made him so much less douchey, he's actually friendly) and his girlfriend and then after waiting forever in line at the local drug store for the important things - mints and chapstick... I hopped on the train and then had to wait a little for him.
Which truthfully was totally fine and my headspace had been distracted a little too - my flights from Florida have been seriously messed up by Delta and I just haven't had the emotional space to get on the phone with them and fight it out because it's ridiculous that they cancelled one of my flights and rebooked me on an early one that leaves as my flight arrives... yes because that makes sense - there has to be an algorithm that would prevent that.
Anyways, we bought salad makings, I proved myself to be awkward in my refusal to just make a decision, which as most of you know I'm happy to make a decision and piss someone off if I care about said decision, but a decision about which vegetable to go in a salad, whatever all work for me.
We then had lunch, moved to the couch, talked and then while I may or may not be a lady, you can fill in the blank. I had to head home to help start the process of moving out some furniture for the eventual moving in of some furniture so CW being brave decided to come along.
Frankly I know my PU is not the man he was when I was younger and the twins cause him more stress than he deserves so I wasn't concerned about that, what I was concerned about was CW agreeing to help move the furniture. On one hand it was great, my back has flared up and on another hand I know my PU loses his grace and attention when it comes to moving furniture and construction and I was a little terrified that it could dissolve very quickly. I went well and in some ways endeared me more to CW, that he could hold his own with my PU.
CW stayed over for dinner and late into the evening, missing many buses and quite frankly if I knew of a way to keep him here with me and keep our respective employers happy I would have suggested it but well that seems like that's a recipe for disaster.
Speaking of work, we're trying to balance telling people we love that we're dating and keep it from our coworkers. And quite frankly as KAB burst my bubble this afternoon, I'd have to agree, that while I would love it to be until mid August, she managed to keep hers a secret a week. I am beginning to wonder after CW's light but on the target grilling by our receptionist is either of us is going to be able to keep this unwraps much longer than a week.
So there you have it... a little throw back
Showing posts with label brave. Show all posts
Showing posts with label brave. Show all posts
Monday, July 07, 2014
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Musical Moment
Truthfully I've struggled with music this entire relationship - I've just not been able to find the words in song that fit the relationship - but now, now I've totally got the whole gamut - that also though truthfully is because I totally have a preference toward the nature of break-up songs - they're either the I hate you or the why can't you love me and both work.
And we'll run through my catalogue of all those songs but right now this whole post will be devoted to my spirit person or whatever you want to call her - Sara Bareilles and the whole range of her catalogue which has been representing the whole cycle of my grieving.
This song is the only reason I didn't "go postal" when I had to go through the lame process of claiming my toothbrush and my loaf of bread and resisted the urge to do everything from an extensive cathartic cleaning of his home or cleaning his toilet with his toothbrush or anything incredibly bitchy although I won't say I was entirely sane, I did reclaim the book I gifted him - Jesus Feminist and I noticed all my Valentine's gifts to him disappeared... and well a grand plus worth of new clothing etc but whatever, I took the book and left a half loaf of bread so he can deal with it - so one day he'll realize what I have to realize on a continual basis my life changed.
Anyways - after I channel my rage I normally knee jerk to this song:
It is also because her ep has these two songs back to back what the NLLL Sara?
Then I go here because well there needs to be balance - after all I have moments where I know I was all in and truthful and then I pause like NLLL NLLL dude what kind of new life are you planning with those very fancy work clothes... FULL STOP,
Vent through the song and move on...
Because on day I will and that day might involve these feelings:
And all this, the song I used to get me through picking up my stuff and the word I will tattoo on my body:
I may not always be brave but a brave woman relayed to me last night wisdom she received - I am being sanctified and damn it I will own the NLLL out of that sanctification and yes I'm aware that might have been a heretical sentence.
Monday, February 06, 2012
Reading Break!
BWSMU it is! And he's gone MIA again... I really have to say that mixed signals are my biggest frustration, especially with the younger boys...
Two pieces of business - I'm researching PhD programs and it looks like the UK is where it is at for me, primarily because it means that I do not have to take the GRE and/or spend my winters and summers in sub-human temperatures. The prospect of that kind of move scares me but I know it's good - fear can be a healthy thing, and it also puts the entire Atlantic between me and CEF which is amazing.
Also I love this song - it reminds me of X every time I hear it even those it doesn't at all resemble our relationship - I don't think we ever danced together either - well maybe in another life time.
Two pieces of business - I'm researching PhD programs and it looks like the UK is where it is at for me, primarily because it means that I do not have to take the GRE and/or spend my winters and summers in sub-human temperatures. The prospect of that kind of move scares me but I know it's good - fear can be a healthy thing, and it also puts the entire Atlantic between me and CEF which is amazing.
Also I love this song - it reminds me of X every time I hear it even those it doesn't at all resemble our relationship - I don't think we ever danced together either - well maybe in another life time.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Looking Forward while Remembering
It is technically the first anniversary of my un-wedding (though I view it as the second given that I celebrated it last year).
Last year I was still numb. I had just come out of 6 months of intense individual and group counseling. I was getting ready to fly out to a foreign city and put into action what I had been learning about myself and about the healing journey we each individually set out on when we step from being a victim to being a survivor. I have learned many lessons some simple and possibly trite and other very complicated and maybe poorly explained in this context but I will attempt to do so.
1. Eat whatever the hell you want - if at the end of a week of double therapy and you feel like shit already, shoving a Whopper meal in your mouth in attempt to plug the gaping raw emotional hole is not bad. I consumed ice cream despite the pain and the heart burn, I ate because despite the poor nutritional composition of the above, eating is necessary for survival - if it can go in and stay in and possibly make you feel better - that is your focus. This is when I abandoned veganism - cooking for myself was form of self care I wasn't prepared to engage in.
2. Put one foot in front of the other, repeat, repeat and repeat again. While this can be your marathon mantra, it's also the mantra of anyone trying to function, living isn't the goal, functioning is. The daily get up, get dressed, get on the bus, go to work, smile (remember to fake it until you make it*), repeat, repeat repeat. Then one day you might laugh, you might not feel completely raw and hollow - like someone has used one of your grandmother's souvenir spoons to hollow out all your internal contents.
3. Fake it until you make it* - my psych's words of wisdom which I live by
4. Your heart is to be trusted - especially if you are a woman. Our hearts are crazy - they love with intensity foreign to even ourselves, we feel deeply - pain, joy, violations etc, we hold our feelings, we have a 7th sense - it's the female intuition - we often refer to it as the mom sense - the one that knows when something is wrong, but it doesn't start when we have children - it is born into us - but we often ignore it. We stop listening to that gut feeling that says no, this is wrong, you are better than this, you are loved - we ignore any or all of those statements. I did and lo and behold I ended up engaged to a man I should never have even entered into a romantic relationship with.
5. There are some men who will insist they are ready for change - they were just waiting for you or they had just started making changes when you came along. This is not good. This is CEF. I will tell you that he hadn't made the changes before and he wasn't going to make them after. He wanted someone to make him feel better for being him - for being the apathetic, broken, alienating person he was. I wanted him to be someone else.
6. What you see is what you get with men, if you are okay with what you see then great be friends. If you love/want what you see (the whole person - insides are more important but whatever you know what I am getting at) then great he's good, he's the kind you spend late nights with - those don't necessarily work but whatever that's for another time and place.
7. Friends - Ms. J and I were friends but we weren't BFF's by any means - she was however my life line. She didn't run at the sight of my pain. Maybe Jennifer Knapp put it best this week on Twitter - and I will best summarize those who speak most eloquently of grace have received it in a profound way. I have learned grace and mercy at the hands of Ms. J - they don't hand out life prizes for this on this Earth, but I know she's got a big one coming her way.
8. Ms. J was only successful because I let her be. Sounds a little narcissistic but it's true I could have gone on the rest of my life not talking but I got to the point where I just did it - sure it may have sounded formulaic to those around me at times - but it had to be a matter of fact act - I had so little energy and my movement forward was where that was going to be channeled.
9. You never know where life is going to take you - let it fill you as you live - NYC, half and full marathon, school, future - life has changed and regardless of the ups and downs it is freaking beautiful.
10. Did I mention you put one foot in front of the other? Tonight I am going to put one stiletto'd foot in front of the other and in the process celebrate the people who through their actions and prayers have got me here.
Last year I was still numb. I had just come out of 6 months of intense individual and group counseling. I was getting ready to fly out to a foreign city and put into action what I had been learning about myself and about the healing journey we each individually set out on when we step from being a victim to being a survivor. I have learned many lessons some simple and possibly trite and other very complicated and maybe poorly explained in this context but I will attempt to do so.
1. Eat whatever the hell you want - if at the end of a week of double therapy and you feel like shit already, shoving a Whopper meal in your mouth in attempt to plug the gaping raw emotional hole is not bad. I consumed ice cream despite the pain and the heart burn, I ate because despite the poor nutritional composition of the above, eating is necessary for survival - if it can go in and stay in and possibly make you feel better - that is your focus. This is when I abandoned veganism - cooking for myself was form of self care I wasn't prepared to engage in.
2. Put one foot in front of the other, repeat, repeat and repeat again. While this can be your marathon mantra, it's also the mantra of anyone trying to function, living isn't the goal, functioning is. The daily get up, get dressed, get on the bus, go to work, smile (remember to fake it until you make it*), repeat, repeat repeat. Then one day you might laugh, you might not feel completely raw and hollow - like someone has used one of your grandmother's souvenir spoons to hollow out all your internal contents.
3. Fake it until you make it* - my psych's words of wisdom which I live by
4. Your heart is to be trusted - especially if you are a woman. Our hearts are crazy - they love with intensity foreign to even ourselves, we feel deeply - pain, joy, violations etc, we hold our feelings, we have a 7th sense - it's the female intuition - we often refer to it as the mom sense - the one that knows when something is wrong, but it doesn't start when we have children - it is born into us - but we often ignore it. We stop listening to that gut feeling that says no, this is wrong, you are better than this, you are loved - we ignore any or all of those statements. I did and lo and behold I ended up engaged to a man I should never have even entered into a romantic relationship with.
5. There are some men who will insist they are ready for change - they were just waiting for you or they had just started making changes when you came along. This is not good. This is CEF. I will tell you that he hadn't made the changes before and he wasn't going to make them after. He wanted someone to make him feel better for being him - for being the apathetic, broken, alienating person he was. I wanted him to be someone else.
6. What you see is what you get with men, if you are okay with what you see then great be friends. If you love/want what you see (the whole person - insides are more important but whatever you know what I am getting at) then great he's good, he's the kind you spend late nights with - those don't necessarily work but whatever that's for another time and place.
7. Friends - Ms. J and I were friends but we weren't BFF's by any means - she was however my life line. She didn't run at the sight of my pain. Maybe Jennifer Knapp put it best this week on Twitter - and I will best summarize those who speak most eloquently of grace have received it in a profound way. I have learned grace and mercy at the hands of Ms. J - they don't hand out life prizes for this on this Earth, but I know she's got a big one coming her way.
8. Ms. J was only successful because I let her be. Sounds a little narcissistic but it's true I could have gone on the rest of my life not talking but I got to the point where I just did it - sure it may have sounded formulaic to those around me at times - but it had to be a matter of fact act - I had so little energy and my movement forward was where that was going to be channeled.
9. You never know where life is going to take you - let it fill you as you live - NYC, half and full marathon, school, future - life has changed and regardless of the ups and downs it is freaking beautiful.
10. Did I mention you put one foot in front of the other? Tonight I am going to put one stiletto'd foot in front of the other and in the process celebrate the people who through their actions and prayers have got me here.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Attention
Next weekend marks the second year of my not wedding anniversary. Now I am aware marking my not wedding anniversary firmly slides me onto the cusp of true and utter bitchness. I am fine with at - hell I ran my first half marathon in Oklahoma nonetheless last year just so that I could say to the cosmos Damn It - I will learn from this, move on, be true to myself and all that good stuff. I'm not going to make this some big sap fest. Last year was hard, I last year was still living with the knowledge that it could have happened - I could have somehow sealed my fate to CEF because I am, as you might have noticed, damn well stubborn.
Anyways to avoid major disclosure and all that - I know that for now CEF is living in Philadelphia - I am safe and the world spins on (cue the Weepies song), so in light of that next weekend I will attempt to take whomever I can with me and drink to true love (spoken very Princess Bride-esque). I do believe that there is the kind of love that grows to people together and older/wiser/more mature etc. I also believe that because we are all flawed love and relationships do and will have their flaws. That future person wherever they are is there for a reason and I am here for a reason and we will just have to keep trucking on in our own self growth until those paths cross. I have been gaining hope/inspiration from my grandmother (dad's step mom) who married in her late 50's. They have been married 25+ years. She was a nurse, an artist, a farmer and many many things before she was married in a time when being single meant well a lot more nasty things than it does now. In the end she has had two amazing lives and is one of the most honorable and talented women I know. So I fear not the world of singleness - I do however fear the world of my own shitty judgment - at least we know I dodged the CEF bullet in time.
Now just in case you weren't aware of the Weepies, a couple that met by happenstance and became this and so much more:
Anyways to avoid major disclosure and all that - I know that for now CEF is living in Philadelphia - I am safe and the world spins on (cue the Weepies song), so in light of that next weekend I will attempt to take whomever I can with me and drink to true love (spoken very Princess Bride-esque). I do believe that there is the kind of love that grows to people together and older/wiser/more mature etc. I also believe that because we are all flawed love and relationships do and will have their flaws. That future person wherever they are is there for a reason and I am here for a reason and we will just have to keep trucking on in our own self growth until those paths cross. I have been gaining hope/inspiration from my grandmother (dad's step mom) who married in her late 50's. They have been married 25+ years. She was a nurse, an artist, a farmer and many many things before she was married in a time when being single meant well a lot more nasty things than it does now. In the end she has had two amazing lives and is one of the most honorable and talented women I know. So I fear not the world of singleness - I do however fear the world of my own shitty judgment - at least we know I dodged the CEF bullet in time.
Now just in case you weren't aware of the Weepies, a couple that met by happenstance and became this and so much more:
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