Saturday, July 19, 2014

I Need...

I am not sure what I need. I waffle between wanting to consume an entire carton of ice cream or a box of Cartems doughnuts to wanting to finish off a few gin and ginger ales or crawl into a hole.

I am in the middle of a holy or un-holy storm of the FEELS

This week I called my mom because she texted me like a month ago and well we know how stellar our relationship is... so I finally called and arranged for CW, her and I to go for dinner but instead of letting our light conversation end on that note, I gave her a heads up about this PTSD and yoga project I'm helping with and well that didn't go very well and it devolved and derailed into her insisting that she didn't want to share the balcony with my father when I preached and well that's not all of it but enough of that for now...

So Thursday night I attended the filming (photographs and interview included) for the upcoming article and was actually overcome with all the awesome of being supported by this community of people I don't know but care about the work Nicole does with and for people like me but also struck with the ugh vulnerability why are you so well vulnerable feelings. These feelings were complicated by the arrival for the first time in months of an actual(ish) period - like HORMONES and the exhaustion and all that NLLL. And CW, bless his heart, came over after work and sat with me in all my NLLL as I tried to untangle the emotional extremes I constantly feel that I work to hold in tension - the good with the ugh that is NLLL.

So I figured things were somewhat stable until last night when a nice dinner together derailed when I felt that my mom was critiquing my motives for the article as selfish and not the will of God. Frankly those are fighting words. She's amazing at wedging God into my decisions with violent precision. She doesn't like it then clearly I haven't discerned enough. Oh the words I have for that, they are such that I am sure my feelings today are alone driving Jesus to drink.  Despite my strong desire to never get into a conflict with her because her crying just actually makes me angry - hello dysfunction - but I did finally try to explain to her that it isn't about selfishness, none of this a yay world look at me moment, but rather is a I went through and I still go through NLLL-ing NLLL and I don't want that life, I want to be healthier, as healthy as I can be decision and more so I want that for even just one more person....

So she left in tears and I feel NLLL. I feel all sorts of gross. I hurt.

And yet in this I cannot believe how awesome CW, R and Ms J have been in their support. I know that stuff needs to change and stuff is changing but ugh the feelings scare me, the last time I felt like this was 2008 and I don't know if I'm ready to venture into a storm like that year brought and yet as you all know I'm the kind of person who is at this very moment searching for some water appropriate fabrics and it about to plug my nose and jump in, let's get the NLLL underway, I've got stuff to do.

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