Well that was a little awkward....

So I stumbled out of the library, away from my marking that is taking so much longer than it should, to have some lunch and who do I run into in the main office?

AL*

WTF is all my brain could muster and I think AE could see the blindsided look. He was there on business. So after the awkwardness, he offered to take me for lunch and hell, I being poor, why not take a guy up on free meal. While he was going to plug his meter I turn to AE and say, "He's on the blog." I believe here response involved a laugh and a oh.

It's complicated.

Why is it always complicated.

AL came on to the scene when AB and I were a mess and it was an awkward date. It was a good date but it was an awkward heart moment. I wanted to not like AB but there was no way of denying it all and another boy trying to wiggle into it all was just not my idea of awesomeness. Maybe there are women out there who like the idea of being fought over or complicated over but it was just too much. And the date was too much. He was too honest. He confessed all his short comings and his new found  faith was just, enough to make me panic.

So when he announced that he was single at lunch today. A part of me wanted to back away from the table. Not because of the short comings or his faith, which has sounded like it's growing, or anything because we actually have a lot in common and he's my usual type, he's very similar to X. Chivalrous without being oppressive, caring, thoughtful, open minded...

Actually it wasn't about him.

My heart just kind of curled in on itself when he mentioned he was single. I know lunch wasn't a date and so on and so forth. I realized I've been coping in my post Lawyer Guy world under the impression that I just won't date until I have a job and I'm ready to leave and go wherever to get said job.

And yet...

I don't want to let my hurt do that but I don't know how to not let to creep in on the edges.

Not yet at least.

*To add to the weird I should note that AL and I rarely talk but he messaged me on FB about my lack of job situation and has been totally eager to help and actually been really helpful. So that just added to the weird factor.