A Little Distraction

I have a confession - I had declared that I would not make any purchases after the break-up because the last thing I needed was shopping guilt on top of my "I dated a total NLLL/NLLL/NLLL-bag (whichever term you'd like to pick) guilt."

But I did actually buy something - while I was scouring iTunes for "you're a NLLL-NLLL for ending the relationship but thanks you actually did me a favour" songs I saw that Kasey Musgraves album was on sale.

Today was the first day I listened to it and I think it's awesome

 

Primarily because I found myself in the sea of doubt and pessimism last night, realizing the days are counting down to my *cough* 32nd *cough* birthday and I feel in these moments that I have nothing to show for it. Yes this April could have (in theory) have been my 5th wedding anniversary (April 2009)... I could have kids, I could also be divorced and healing from the domestic abuse that would have been the flavour of that relationship... I find myself sitting on the fence where I was last year when I signed up for eHarmony, saying oh NLLL it, I'm throwing in the dating/marriage towel, after all it is easier if I do not have to consider man's opinion or dissent in the discernment process etc and I can just adopt since it seems impossible to find a man who would even consider co-parenting.... I know this is pessimism I shouldn't feel. After all I know I'm better off without LG/NB. But I guess I find it frustrating to have the years pass by with no rhyme or reason as to why I (and all my friends are single) and at the same time knowing that my uterus quite frankly has 2 to 3 good years tops and then I'm completely out of competition mode. It seems my male peers who are single want a wife who has years to decide about kids and frankly I don't have those years or the patience to put up with the NLLL that seems to still define the dating "game."

UGH.