Blindsided

I will say that I will be posting a lot in the next few weeks or even months as I try and figure out what just happened. I feel entirely blindsided. I just discovered that LG has been keeping an extensive list of all my faults. It seems like everything from my divorced parents, to the abuse, to my supporting of a woman's choice, to some of my hypothetical parenting situations to my preference of texting to my not driving, to how we would raise our kids to well the list goes on and on and on.

And this where I tell KAB to turn away because I might use some NLLL.

I fucking don't care - I know I care because my heart is a bloody mess on the floor and the hole where it was is currently full of all the salt rubbed into it.

My parents are happier divorced, I'm fucking sorry that you think it means that I don't value marriage.

Yes I'm a survivor of abuse. Yes and I have PTSD. You know what I cannot do a fucking thing about it - I cannot stop it and I cannot think that it doesn't effect me or anyone I love - but I came forward with this on the 4th date.

Yes in the hypothetical discussion about our teenage kids having sex, a conversation we had in the first few weeks of the relationship before we were even official,  because LG had an active time in his teen years - I said I would prefer not, but if my daughter was going to make that decision I would like to know and we would be brutally honest and if she was still determined I would prefer it was in a safe environment not in the back seat of a car because she felt like she had to etc. Apparently this means I will be a poor parent for his kids.

I do support choice not because I think that it applies to inconvienent pregnancies but rather because as a woman raped, the idea of carrying a child to term as the product of that action it is a daily reminder that my body was is continually being used against my will. And frankly I would much rather that birth control was widely available and then we wouldn't have to have this fucking hypothetical discussion.

And yes I swear - you know the ridiculous part when I wanted to tell him to fuck off for pulling away for the last month and a bit because he knew it wouldn't work and that he's fucked with my heart in a totally inhumane way, I couldn't do it. Maybe because I still love him or maybe because I've done such a number on it all and that's not necessarily a bad thing. I just I don't know anymore. I don't know how my preference to text because we both have busy lives and instead of having an hour long conversation in the morning all I say is hey I've been thinking about you is an issue. But it was because I would only to get a response hours later with no information, just a hey.

And yes I don't drive. There are plenty of people who don't own cars - how is a relationship determined on these grounds?

The part that killed me the part that just gets me is he wasn't going to bring this up and yet it was me the one that wanted to stay together who was trying to figure out how to get clarity on his supporting of me in discerning my call and then I get this bullshit, this list, this rejection on all my faults and a trite well you're nice, you didn't annoy me like my previous girlfriends.

I just don't get it - but I guess this is where I end this for now, as I go through all the stages of grief another dozen times before I fall asleep wish the one person I want comfort from, the one person I love would be here and knowing he doesn't love me. Don't know if he ever has, sure doesn't feel like it.