When Things Get Tough... the tough or the weak or whatever I am, write a post...

So a lot has happened since December.

Um... well I basically lost my job/quit/laid off - they took away my hours and the office went to hell sans hand-basket, so I left (and may be returning although I so don't want to but they're nagging me and I like the ones suffering but you know complications).

So I started cleaning and we all know my OCD appreciates the smell of bleach and scrubbing bathtubs. Seriously. So it's been therapeutic, BUT it's not a way to make a living.

All in all the loss of the job has actually been a huge stress relief and I did have some money left over from my student loan which I have been living off of.

All that being said - I have entered a time of discernment it seems.

I know discernment is one of those weird words and I have a hard enough time trying to figure out what I'm doing right now never mind trying to explain it to LG who I totally get is a little freaked out though he's sort of hiding it (but not really).

What this all means is one big question mark that I know cannot be solved in one go, I get that the likelihood that all the pieces are going to fall together is incredibly small and not helpful to even consider.

The pieces? The main one is whether I should maintain looking for jobs in the medical secretarial/technician world or if I should be looking in the region I am planning on/hoping to work in/need to be working in at some point which is church ministry.

I am totally over qualified for one and under for the other with a huge gap in between them where I am actually trying to find a space to land in.

What do I mean by that?

What I mean is to say, I have recently (last 2-3) years felt directed (I loathe the term "called") toward medical chaplaincy. However, right now that's off the table because the only program that is accessible to the general public (ie. it does not require I do my masters with them to start) is in Alberta and it's "suspended for review" the lovely vague term I am assuming related to their admissions, training and likely an issue of having either huge demand or not enough. So no training program means no training. So I could hope that changes but if I stay with LG leaving for a year doesn't seem like an option either.

So that means if the program does come up either long distancing it or ending the relationship. Neither are great, one is far, far less great than the other.

And so at this moment, you may wonder why the idea of ending a relationship is even on the table.

Well... I love him, but I know we've got our challenges and one of them of LG is my job prospects. I will never, unless the economy dramatically changes and funding is restored in the area of chaplaincy, make a lot of money, quite frankly I could make the same if not more as a teacher or in medical administration. He doesn't like this. I'm not sure why he even thought about dating me but it's an issue for him and it's not for me. But I get why it is for him. He cannot imagine moving out of his neighbourhood and to raise kids in an apartment because we would never be able to afford a house in that area doesn't appeal to him.

So I could and I am considering whether I need another Master's in Gerontology in the hopes I could find my way into some kind of patient liaison type job or something in the medical field that borders on social work while working in a church.

The issue also becomes I am trying to come to terms with the likelihood I will ever be hired by a church given that I am a woman and the movement right now is away from female hirings.

So there you have it - I have a guy I think is great, who may or may not need to come to terms with his dreams and I have decisions to make and a lot of emotions and an impulse to in these moments clear the decks and remove everything as an option.