I had to pick up the bracelet today and he took it upon himself despite repeated indications that I did not under any terms want the Narnia books he was reading to me. I have no memories of my parents reading to me and so this was a real gift. He did all the voices and it would be curled up against him, sometimes even lulled to sleep. I have no intention of ever opening the books and if I did it wouldn't be these ones. But there they were and I held in the tears for the 20 minute walk to Ms. J's where I am house sitting only to sit here bawling in the new rush of pain. He even ensured the card was included - given "with lots of love." I realized something as I sat staring at Twitter wanting to curse him out - you know what hurts more that believing he never cared, believing that he did love me and he said want he said still and did what he did like he has with no obvious emotion or care. Surprisingly to me that hurts fresh and deep, far deeper than it did last week. It's the kind of mind NLLL that I cannot shake off with a piece of pie or Beyonce but I guess in time I will.
In the meanwhile these and the bracelet need a home - part time or forever home I don't know. Who wants them?
For reals you need to not be in contact with him. Too drawn out. Throw out his crap. Don't try to understand him and his crap. He is not worth the energy or the drain on your health, or mental well-being. Time to focus on something else. Project time!
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