Well that was a little awkward....

So I stumbled out of the library, away from my marking that is taking so much longer than it should, to have some lunch and who do I run into in the main office?

AL*

WTF is all my brain could muster and I think AE could see the blindsided look. He was there on business. So after the awkwardness, he offered to take me for lunch and hell, I being poor, why not take a guy up on free meal. While he was going to plug his meter I turn to AE and say, "He's on the blog." I believe here response involved a laugh and a oh.

It's complicated.

Why is it always complicated.

AL came on to the scene when AB and I were a mess and it was an awkward date. It was a good date but it was an awkward heart moment. I wanted to not like AB but there was no way of denying it all and another boy trying to wiggle into it all was just not my idea of awesomeness. Maybe there are women out there who like the idea of being fought over or complicated over but it was just too much. And the date was too much. He was too honest. He confessed all his short comings and his new found  faith was just, enough to make me panic.

So when he announced that he was single at lunch today. A part of me wanted to back away from the table. Not because of the short comings or his faith, which has sounded like it's growing, or anything because we actually have a lot in common and he's my usual type, he's very similar to X. Chivalrous without being oppressive, caring, thoughtful, open minded...

Actually it wasn't about him.

My heart just kind of curled in on itself when he mentioned he was single. I know lunch wasn't a date and so on and so forth. I realized I've been coping in my post Lawyer Guy world under the impression that I just won't date until I have a job and I'm ready to leave and go wherever to get said job.

And yet...

I don't want to let my hurt do that but I don't know how to not let to creep in on the edges.

Not yet at least.

*To add to the weird I should note that AL and I rarely talk but he messaged me on FB about my lack of job situation and has been totally eager to help and actually been really helpful. So that just added to the weird factor.

I Hate Tuesdays?

I will confess the whole lack of sleep business is about to cause me to go batty, insanely desperate, and very annoyingly persistent to my own mental health's detriment... but that is a whole other issue in the grand scheme of things.

When you're pushing creating a never to be recovered from sleep debt - you notice the most annoying things occur. My trusty black pumps are pinching my right foot, my very expensive Calvin Klein patterned stockings have a pull in them already - and as a side note on the whole stocking business I've been desperately looking for seamed ones and I can't find them for the life of me that aren't thigh highs... anyways I digress. You also notice that the lovely grade 9 boy who takes the later bus is checking you out with a vengeance on the day you might either pull out his liver with your newly broken nail or as I did today teased him with a smile when he tried to be all gentleman like in front of me - yes dear you get a bonus point. Or you lose what's left of your self respect, if I have any left at this point, and you ask out your BB for coffee (post script - we have a lunch date at a veg/vegan restaurant on the other side of town on Saturday afternoon), because hell, if I can give 4 hours of my life to a habitual cheater, I can give the same amount of time to a sweet, always tired, but seemly nice provider of my morning life - the only reason I likely didn't disembowel the little preteen who seemed preoccupied with what a lady might look like in a pencil skirt and pumps versus the teenage girl next to me in sweats with ankle elastic and flip flops... goodness they didn't even coordinate.

PS If anyone, I mean anyone without a criminal record is willing to offer a cuddle tonight it would be hugely appreciated, the bed isn't big, but hell there will be dinner provided. Or if any of you ladies are willing to part with your secret body pillow, which I apparently need to invest in, let me know.

And because I'm trying to work/sleep at my desk... I'm having an odd music day, ta da!

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/56354775@N00/161095153/

Things You Discuss When It Doesn't Matter What the Hell They Think

NN and I had some interesting discussions because we both knew that it didn't matter what the other really thought of us, because what the hell really we swapped averted wedding stories, the issues between men and women and why things are so ass backwards these days, where we see ourselves, children or no children and all those lovely things. In the end we found ourselves on the whole what does your list look like? Yes that list - we all have one more or less and his was surprisingly simple and yet it accurately summed things up - love me, love you and love God,* I was surprised, it worked, it encompassed so much accurately, and yet, in the end it was funny. I often have Ms. J's words rolling around in my head, actually everyone's words find themselves rolling through my cranial cavities for whatever duration or frequency of time deemed appropriate. Ms. J recently said what do you have in common with AB, really what do you have in common? So with all that jumbled, all this dating* and non-dating has really only be solidifying what I'm not looking for, but what do I need?

I need someone who understands that despite how flaky it sounds - a 9 to 5 job or whatever variation of that is not the way I can live my life, I have to write -the whole it keeps the ravenous dogs caged business, and holistic is important, I also really am understanding how important it is to be present in your life, in your marriage and in your kids life, doing the whole crazy superwoman shit isn't for me - I know I am totally willing to give my feminist card back for saying that. I don't have a huge need to travel or any of that - I would like to have a relatively similar life to the one I have now, socially conscious, community based, challenging to my apathy and ideally involving a little more sleep. So that means that BV once again is out of the picture - dude just hasn't got it, NN would have been good but anyway we need not beat that one, and AB? Well AB has it all and yet doesn't have the one fundamental issue in that trifecta, and no it's not the issue of I loving him and he me business that is sooo not even on the page, it's that faith business. AB could careless to which BI I am sure is raising an eyebrow. This is the very issue that I skirted around with NN, basically I am at the point where there is shit for choices within that community - OM and BV being perfect examples and NN being an indicator that I'm not quite faithful enough, so ya, I'm shit out of luck these days it seems. That list is not going to get filled anytime whether they were non-negotiable or not at one point... the times are a changing folks and I for one don't appreciate the signs of the times.

*this could represent any gods, God or concept of spirituality

So about NN

Well it is safe to say that NN though an amazing guy, finally a good quality one, the kind we've been in hot pursuit of finding is well not the guy for me and thankfully he was clear enough with his actions, intent and all that for it be reassuring to me that the same was the case. NN and I sure have a lot in common and in many ways could work together, could be great, but in the end I'm happy to leave him be where he is and let some other journey weary girl find him. We can hope I turned a corner in this whole process, getting better options and all the while feeling better about the process that you just keep looking. I don't know if there is any other way to go about it, just keep looking and maybe one day there will be someone who works. I have to reiterate that BV is definitely not it, to the point where with a side by side comparison to his roughly equal he just pales in comparison. So that leaves us with AB the dark horse. Hmm, suddenly the island got very very small, and maybe even smaller if I do have the DTR talk, despite feeling that as every day goes forward, I have my answer...

So while the music doesn't quite correlate, I like the song, so there.