Tuesday, January 01, 2013

If last night was any indication

2013 is going to involve a lot of profanity and drinking. And if this morning is any indication of how my life is going to go in the in between times I am going to need the profanity and the drinking.

Last night I decided to humorously tour a certain dating site I normally cuss at when its syrupy ads come on the tele. I laughed my way through the whole thing and then cringed. All the men who I was suggested with are not what I want. I might try filling it out all over again. But I cannot say I'm sure I want to date again. Sure I would love to have someone and at the same time I feel like the stress of trying to make something work at this point in my life is a greater hassle than all the warm feelings of another's hand in mine.

And oddly enough I get to say that with some bittersweet clarity or determination or stupidity. Your pick, because today I received a message from a friend of Ms. J's. I know him and we've hung out but I wouldn't say we're close friends. He came over with Ms. J for dinner on Saturday night. And maybe it was my (actually not mine but this recipe with some secret changes) pork tacos or my general awesomeness (not really) but when he left I had this gut feeling I had actually be awesome, like flirty, I'm so awesome love me, awesome. But I ignored it, the feeling that is. I really didn't think anything would come of it because said boy is just as, if not more so, wilderness and transient than MW. Apparently not. He called me this afternoon, waking me from my nap wondering if I had been on FB today. No, because sleep was and normally is my priority. He asked me to check it and get back to him. My stomach dropped and my cheeks flushed.

I ran myself a bath. I don't much like baths, but I find that they are good place for deeper yet more direct mental dwelling. After all I have to get out of it with an answer before it gets cold. I didn't and I still don't really know what my answer is. The truth in my heart is I know that while he is loyal, he is like a river, he's always going to be on the move and really more comfortable with that kind of life and a remote version of that life too. It's not the degree of stability I want, the life I want or the relationship I want or even see myself having. And yet as I said to Ms. J am I too old to be getting picky when I know he's kind, gentle, loyal and has a good income. Is that all I need? Is that I get?

Oh dear 2013, I don't know if we can be friends.

2 comments:

  1. Nope. No matter how great the guy is, if you can't see yourself wanting to be intimate and doing naughty things.....or no twitch or tingle anywhere. It's not there. Can't force it. Period.

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  2. JS I completely agree in my heart. But you know as well as I, what we want and what we seem to get to choose from don't seem to be the same thing. I want it all, and it seems like at least in this case he's not a douche bag. Only problem is he doesn't light any fires nor would I really want him too....Gah.

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