I'm Ready...

So we know I did a major purging and rearranging of my room in preparation for:

1. My GRE study books
2. My accessory reading
3. Marathon prep - I have to be organized.
4. For the day in which I stop having to fight to forget, the day when the memories slowly disappear - you know that Harry Potter version of memory removal would be fabulous. Absolutely - someone get on that. Me? Well I'm going to go to bed with one thing on my wind, why on God's green and blooming Earth did I have ice cream - oh owie you know that is the worst form of dairy product to enter your system...

More Leona:

A Lesson for the Young Ones and My Future Self

Don't give your heart to a boy who can't commit. Don't give one ounce of yourself beyond that moment where those words come out. Like that moment where you stood in the dying moments of summer, where you felt that chasm grow within you and the desperation that squeezed that wound shut with the ferocity you've never known. Don't stay to watch the leaves turn and fall from the trees, don't wait for the seasons to change in the hopes that the cold outside will somehow make him want to warm his heart with your care/love. Don't find yourself standing in the rain at odd hours waiting just to see him, to hug him, to be there and feel your heart race, for the world to back go back to the way you want it for just a moment, the rotational momentum of the world is stronger than anything he makes you feel.

He might say he misses you, he will make you think he does really care about you, really genuinely feel the same way. He might, but he doesn't really until that moment when he grabs your hand in public, when you aren't just the friend with every benefit but those words. Those words somewhere in all the feelings and moments come to amount to so much more. Don't give your heart without those words, even if you are aware that hearts are messy, lives are messy. If you do, you'll have this moment to look back on, you'll remember the want you feel towards AB. May it serve as a reminder.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/orangeacid/173503843/

Let's Review The Past Posts Now Shall We?

I've had some amazing talks, 8 miles of purging, support and yes a healthy dose of grace and compassion too. I have also received laughter, and the reminder that it's okay to cry, while I maintain an almost self destructive propencity towards self preservation, that it isn't necessary, except within the walls of my office, there I have to find something else other than either of those options.

But since I've got bigger pains right now to cover the deeper slower healing ones, I am going to leave y'all with these older words of wisdom for all of you out there AB included:

http://singleandpicky.blogspot.com/2009/07/where-are-fireworks.html - there is a moment of clarity in there that shocked me looking back at it, who knows how insightful it will be towards moments beyond this.

http://singleandpicky.blogspot.com/2009/07/thanks-gib.html

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/nattyk/2473073706/

Bleck

So we had an estrogen pow-wow last night and figured out that BV is now officially removed from the running, the energy needed to bring him up to speed with AB seems to have fizzled. It is wholly frustrating though as I discovered this morning as I as flipping through a mutual friends FB photos, BV was everywhere and it made me surprisingly angry/hurt/frustrated - that blob of female emotion we often get... maybe when all is said and done I had the hope that he was something different than what became apparent, crushed expectations, that's that feeling.

Regardless I had tonnes of fun last night and will be doing the same for the next few nights... got to get out and have a life, no? Maybe we'll find the next contestant for the show...

Don't Shoot Me

But I have a date with BV this weekend Thursday *turns and winces.* Goodness we know it's all bad every little bit of it, but hell a night out learning to get through this process when I don't care one pittance about the whole thing, sounds like fun no? Actually let's just say I get some kind of bizarre satisfaction out of how odd and uncomfortable this whole thing can be - like how much I can torture him, and what it is going to take for a decent hug - likely I'll just casually ambush him...I know karma and all that - but hell, I think we call this pass back from the OM incident...

Little side note I had a moment when I texted BV back this morning - I missed his call last night at 9, comatose in dream land or something like that... I double checked the name... yikes! That I can't tell you how many times I've typed out OM's name and then had to quickly edited out after it's been published...

Confession Time

No I didn't buy a ridiculously expensive handbag or pounce on the baby barista boy today (or ever - neverever on that one), I realized that the biggest reason I'm not all giddy at the moment about anything in my life is really I'm scare shitless. So why? While some of you know the in's out's and ALL the details, the majority of which has remained for direct conversation and that is my choice, not X's - she's right about some stuff just shouldn't be blogged. But ya, anyways I'm coming smack face to face with things that no amount of therapy can prepare you for, the great unknown and conversations I can't imagine having when your heart is on the line, but yet I know that I have to have at some point in time, with someone whether that's whomever I am seeing this week or someone else. Now I know BI is going to think this is where I haven't changed - actually I have - the issue is now I know why it scared me before - being the survivor of abuse is no easy road, to be honest I don't know how it's done, because it seems to be one of those you have to live through it processes, you explain yourself into a place of understanding, but you also seem to continually be in a place where you are continually asking the unimaginable of people - for them to understand something that makes people go silent... so ya that's what I'm chewing on today, in addition to cucumber - Ms. J I think I need a drink... deep breath, and one step at a time.