I'm a Dork...

I just spent $100 online buying more books for my bloated bookshelf...oh well. So I was thinking that for the sake of clarification we need to run down the "List of the Men of S&P" and do a little update.

AB: Do we really need to update him - He was my first, he is the PeterPan Syndrome poster child.

AL: Habitual cheater and AB's competition in the "It Never Should Happen in Hell, but Maybe on this Earth" games

BB: Once my source for free Vanilla Soy Americano Misto's and a good shudder/cringe

BI: Occasional commenter here, true friend and someone I miss chatting with

BV: Frigid and conversation shy and source of my longest and most depressing date, minus seeing the Hangover together - he cringed and I laughed.

CEF: The reason I have changed most things in my life for the better, like my hair colour

Date: Still the all the forms of possible dates - friend, pseudo or the real thing

DB: Still elusive and I haven't decided how much a chase should go into this case - it would require a serious effort

IT: Still trying to reduce these

MW: Source of unwanted sexting - not going to even provide him with possibly construed as having a subtext conversations - as CW says - a duck is just a duck, and a goose is a goose, and duck duck goose is just a game.

NLLL: Still ever expanding

NN: Also could go by Never Notever... Nice No complaints guy though

OM: Source of many snickers for Ms. J and I from the unfortunate jeans, his closetness etc

So there you go - no options - though CW has proposed a set up with her beau's friend, so we will see what the future holds... for the immediate future this weekend involves vodka, a trip to Sephora and some totally awesome menu planning/Whole Foods shopping.

Things You Discuss When It Doesn't Matter What the Hell They Think

NN and I had some interesting discussions because we both knew that it didn't matter what the other really thought of us, because what the hell really we swapped averted wedding stories, the issues between men and women and why things are so ass backwards these days, where we see ourselves, children or no children and all those lovely things. In the end we found ourselves on the whole what does your list look like? Yes that list - we all have one more or less and his was surprisingly simple and yet it accurately summed things up - love me, love you and love God,* I was surprised, it worked, it encompassed so much accurately, and yet, in the end it was funny. I often have Ms. J's words rolling around in my head, actually everyone's words find themselves rolling through my cranial cavities for whatever duration or frequency of time deemed appropriate. Ms. J recently said what do you have in common with AB, really what do you have in common? So with all that jumbled, all this dating* and non-dating has really only be solidifying what I'm not looking for, but what do I need?

I need someone who understands that despite how flaky it sounds - a 9 to 5 job or whatever variation of that is not the way I can live my life, I have to write -the whole it keeps the ravenous dogs caged business, and holistic is important, I also really am understanding how important it is to be present in your life, in your marriage and in your kids life, doing the whole crazy superwoman shit isn't for me - I know I am totally willing to give my feminist card back for saying that. I don't have a huge need to travel or any of that - I would like to have a relatively similar life to the one I have now, socially conscious, community based, challenging to my apathy and ideally involving a little more sleep. So that means that BV once again is out of the picture - dude just hasn't got it, NN would have been good but anyway we need not beat that one, and AB? Well AB has it all and yet doesn't have the one fundamental issue in that trifecta, and no it's not the issue of I loving him and he me business that is sooo not even on the page, it's that faith business. AB could careless to which BI I am sure is raising an eyebrow. This is the very issue that I skirted around with NN, basically I am at the point where there is shit for choices within that community - OM and BV being perfect examples and NN being an indicator that I'm not quite faithful enough, so ya, I'm shit out of luck these days it seems. That list is not going to get filled anytime whether they were non-negotiable or not at one point... the times are a changing folks and I for one don't appreciate the signs of the times.

*this could represent any gods, God or concept of spirituality

So about NN

Well it is safe to say that NN though an amazing guy, finally a good quality one, the kind we've been in hot pursuit of finding is well not the guy for me and thankfully he was clear enough with his actions, intent and all that for it be reassuring to me that the same was the case. NN and I sure have a lot in common and in many ways could work together, could be great, but in the end I'm happy to leave him be where he is and let some other journey weary girl find him. We can hope I turned a corner in this whole process, getting better options and all the while feeling better about the process that you just keep looking. I don't know if there is any other way to go about it, just keep looking and maybe one day there will be someone who works. I have to reiterate that BV is definitely not it, to the point where with a side by side comparison to his roughly equal he just pales in comparison. So that leaves us with AB the dark horse. Hmm, suddenly the island got very very small, and maybe even smaller if I do have the DTR talk, despite feeling that as every day goes forward, I have my answer...

So while the music doesn't quite correlate, I like the song, so there.

Somedays I wish I could deny my heritage

And just slap a boy or two into their senses. AB and BV are either close to 30 or older than and while I will give grace to AB who has in fact had a long long term relationship, BV has not. Both are acting the fool as I've heard it said around here, and I for one some days can't stand it. But hey, maybe I don't have to deny my pacifist upbringing, I can maintain my passive aggressive nature and see what NN has to offer me in the way of contacts and so on and so forth. Now I guess this where I am suppose to introduce NN. I met NN in my second year of school - NN was dating a friend of mine, and I was dating their friend - we were like a small happy inbred family sort of set up as only small departments can produce. NN and said friend went sour in a big way, the kind of I switch your distilled water for ether kind of sour... and I heard it ALL from her side, to the point where I couldn't look NN in the eyes for years. Well now that years have past and I know that we all see things uniquely, I figure what the hell might as well get to know NN. Note NN is not a dating person - it's not like he's sloppy seconds or anything like that it, it's just um no, it's too weird given the history of everything, it's not that he isn't cute, and it sure isn't because he isn't fit, funny or very educated (read PhD), it's just that isn't something I am prepared to touch with a 50m pole. HOWEVER, NN has some really quality friends, and hey given that he's a neighbour will be a good cross contact for both myself and Ms. J - yes honey I am also doing all this crazy shit for you too, I figure we can both increase our social circles - divide the labour and eventually we both win - no? Anywho's there is my mental burp for today.