Confession Time

No I didn't buy a ridiculously expensive handbag or pounce on the baby barista boy today (or ever - neverever on that one), I realized that the biggest reason I'm not all giddy at the moment about anything in my life is really I'm scare shitless. So why? While some of you know the in's out's and ALL the details, the majority of which has remained for direct conversation and that is my choice, not X's - she's right about some stuff just shouldn't be blogged. But ya, anyways I'm coming smack face to face with things that no amount of therapy can prepare you for, the great unknown and conversations I can't imagine having when your heart is on the line, but yet I know that I have to have at some point in time, with someone whether that's whomever I am seeing this week or someone else. Now I know BI is going to think this is where I haven't changed - actually I have - the issue is now I know why it scared me before - being the survivor of abuse is no easy road, to be honest I don't know how it's done, because it seems to be one of those you have to live through it processes, you explain yourself into a place of understanding, but you also seem to continually be in a place where you are continually asking the unimaginable of people - for them to understand something that makes people go silent... so ya that's what I'm chewing on today, in addition to cucumber - Ms. J I think I need a drink... deep breath, and one step at a time.