Hipster Couple Saves the Day

I was walking behind this hipster couple today as I covered almost the same ground BV and I covered on Saturday. I texted Ms J the following, "I am walking across the bridge and there is this hipster couple in front of me and instead of making me bitter, it made me realize we get that someday, maybe not now when the boys are tools, but someday we will get that and maybe for today that knowledge is enough for me to keep going forward." Maybe that just it, after coffee with V and E, I realized that while BV could be great with time after as Ms J jokes he deals with my "lady love pillows" which what she bemused as the reason for the shitty hug, or he could just be a socially stunted man who can't deal with someone unique like me. AB might be a great guy, but who knows, and maybe we just keep moving forward, step by step. So in honor of the hipster couple I say, I know that it will happen, someday through this journey it will be clearer, it will make sense, and I will have learned something, even if all that is, is how to look really cute on multiple dates and make conversation, even in the most painful and frustrating of circumstances.

So 8 hours later and one brief bus ride later...

I found myself sitting at my kitchen table, post non-brain clearing, non-emotional purging shower, eating coffee flavoured hagan daaz from the container while waiting for my sheets to dry wondering, wondering what the hell is all this. Really what is it, because I think I need to know, know that something in all this is true, has some basis in reality, has some purpose, because I for the first time in my life went on two dates* in one week with two different guys nonetheless and all I can do is shrug my shoulders and go, hmph, or more to the point WTF. When does this murkuier than mud, dance of a thousand missed facts and distorted perceptions becomes something different?

I spent 8 fucking hours with BV yesterday and all I got was a little side hug, like if you are not interested then lie, I don't care if you ditch me after the coffee and a walk, go for it, but don't go for dinner and then a movie and then walk me up Hastings to the bus stop at Main, wait for the bus to come for me and then give me a shitty hug and no further response. This is what I would like to clarify for the men as MIXED signals. Yes folks that it is fair to say is mixed, because your actions say you wanted to spend time with me thus the 8 hours, hell I stuck around because of that, and yet NOTHING. All I would like, all any girl would like is, if you are interested, which your actions are implying you are, is one a decent hug and maybe I'll call you or even if you are really interested another activity or something. It isn't that complicated, no sweeping romantic gestures needed, dude not looking for flowers, candlelight or a romcom to be the next movie choice, just a little sense of direction. So maybe I'm just burnt out, maybe I'm frustrated, maybe I just feel like a looser, like after you go on endless job interviews and while they seem to be good, apparently they're not... I don't know but there you go.

Run down of yesterdays events - coffee, jazz fest, bird poos on BV, wait for BV to get cleaned up, walk, talk, walk and walk and talk, get tired, have dinner - my credit card is decline - equal embarassment day, walk in the pouring rain minus the umbrella - and I in white, BV picks movie, walks me to bus stop, I text when home safe and that would be the night. I ended up confused, unable to sleep and so of course texted AB - for the love of mini doughnuts, it is all one big freaking mess.

*or pseudo dates or even date dates

I was sooo smooth, you have no idea

So I came to the realization today that I might only be successful thus far because of alcohol, my sweet precious, because well I've been under the influence and same with the men whence these conversations happened, and then whence sober, the conversation seems to get well hindered. Same went for tonight, when I really should have toot sweet made a bee line for the Liquor store to avoid the shitastic conversation skills I demonstrated when BV called... oh it was my finest hour for sure - even better than the time I fell on my ass in a short skirt in grade 10, revealing my white knickers... So anyways CW and I hit the mall and beat it a little while too, I came to the realization I had no date, date date or pseudo date appropriate wear... so ya, who knew that that was a fashion subset I needed to consider. So 2pm tomorrow, I have to find my personality without the alcohol and remember that this whole show, this is all an unknown - like what to say, how much sarcasm is too much sarcasm and really is there such a thing, and when do dates turn into dating, or even for that matter when does a date = a date, and when do those amount to dates plural - like do the pseudo and regular dates get included in the date date equation...

To add, when do I have to choose - that is to say I'm totally upselling myself believing that that absolutely horrible moment is going to happen... yes horrible that would be, no? As well AR believes that I need to find me a theme song, so while Beyonce believes a Diva is a female version of a hustler, I believe that a diva I am not, and Fiddy's PIMP isn't quite right, I leave you with the oft played:

And Let the Games Begin!

Coming out of left field, courtesy of a wholly unexpected message in my FB inbox, we now have a new player on the scene. We shall call him BVHMAOMP or Boy V has met at OM's party - but for the sake of the fun and blogging - BV. BV hit the radar for a few hot moments back then but died off, I couldn't read him so I shrugged it all off, eventually added him as a friend on FB and then ta da we have a FB message for a coffee "date." You know I am beginning to hate that word, it's up there with "nice" and "different." So there you have it AB has seriously legitimate competition, like in the way of an engineer who just happens to be one of my peeps... I will keep you all updated.

The only down side is if either of these remotely works out, I feel like I should thank OM - second thought is that really that awful - hey OM, you may be a douchebag, tool or whatever reference that has been used in recent months by AR, N or Ms. J to describe you, but thanks to you I've gotten to have better times than you could have ever done...

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/vegaseddie/3309211069/

The Question of the Evening/Day...

Is not whether last night was a date, a date date or a pseudo date, no it is more what the hell is my life doing repeating itself in this way. Okay so I did really like, maybe even love BI, hey I think it was something I fell into, completely unconscious of the whole process in this bizarre way. But that was ages ago, years in fact, and yet maybe because of how it all came to be, it is still the litmus test for everything, bet that would surprise BI. I was talking to AR last night about it all, with BI in the beginning I would analyse every little thing, did he like me? did I like him? why did he do that, was that a sign? Blah, blah, blah...and on and on it went for a few weeks until I was like hmph, he'll figure it out if it he wants to, and sure enough he did. Ms. J even quipped well this is how it is suppose to work you know, you get to know someone and then if things change one thing leads to another and someone eventually chokes out those magical and painful words, I like you, like like you like you... ahh the blessed joy of it all. So ya, there you have it folks, no big flashy show, just life, nice and simple, and thankfully BI trained me, and now it is time to see how well he did...

PS. I wish life worked like the ball... but I guess it does you keep shaking it up until you get the answer you were looking for.

In case you were wondering...

I basically become useless to the world after 9pm. So when I received a text at approximately 10:30 last night asking for the okay for AB to go to the movie without me, I gave him a pass, he said he'd make it up to me - words never to be said to S&P - see I have this craving for a butterscotch dipped cone from DQ and there is only one location that now sells it... Anywhos, I plead being just awoken, thus incoherent, though Ms. J is going to say AB has weaseled himself a huge soft spot and thus I gave mercy and the okay of my own volition. Really? Regardless what else was I going to say, NOOOO, screw your friends, I demand that you don't go and go with me... let's check that one for a moment. While it is fer sure (IT) that I'm not someones girlfriend, I not even like a bestest, so what freaking pull do I have without looking well insane? Never mind this got me to thinking, even if I was someone with some kind of relational standing, why should a movie matter? I can understand being pissed, if someone bailed on an agreed upon date/engagement like a wedding, funeral, baptism, graduation or other momentous event that in theory is only going to happen once. But a movie? AR is going with me and that's that, we move onwards...ya so cross the movie off the things to do list, hmm *shrug* whatever... still have dinner plans.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/13725832@N06/2851652049/ - yes I like the subject, sleep with my Crackberry, it's always within arm's reach if not closer.

Confession Time

No I didn't buy a ridiculously expensive handbag or pounce on the baby barista boy today (or ever - neverever on that one), I realized that the biggest reason I'm not all giddy at the moment about anything in my life is really I'm scare shitless. So why? While some of you know the in's out's and ALL the details, the majority of which has remained for direct conversation and that is my choice, not X's - she's right about some stuff just shouldn't be blogged. But ya, anyways I'm coming smack face to face with things that no amount of therapy can prepare you for, the great unknown and conversations I can't imagine having when your heart is on the line, but yet I know that I have to have at some point in time, with someone whether that's whomever I am seeing this week or someone else. Now I know BI is going to think this is where I haven't changed - actually I have - the issue is now I know why it scared me before - being the survivor of abuse is no easy road, to be honest I don't know how it's done, because it seems to be one of those you have to live through it processes, you explain yourself into a place of understanding, but you also seem to continually be in a place where you are continually asking the unimaginable of people - for them to understand something that makes people go silent... so ya that's what I'm chewing on today, in addition to cucumber - Ms. J I think I need a drink... deep breath, and one step at a time.

Sooo...I guess my bed and I won't be seeing much of each other

It is an oft discussed issue in my daily life, I love sleep, I LOVE it and not just like, or feel warm undefined feelings towards sleep. Sleep and I have a wonderful relationship where I devote 8 or more hours daily to its maintenance. However it seems that over the past few weeks and this week without question I am opting to change the dynamics of that relationship, opting for walks around Stanley Park, Sangria consumption, Coldplay (! - AWESOME), and apparently a pseudo-date on this Wednesday, we are by no means calling it anything beyond platonic - because well that is not the way this going to go down fer sure (intentional typo). It also isn't being defined as other because my Coldplay date waffled inregards to the intention of the asker... I figure I can cheat on sleep a little with coffee/caffeine and at the same time get on with this whole living business. As to the who, what and where's of Wednesday while the secret might be burning a hole through my email account/phone, it is going to stay where it is, hint though it has nothing to do with OM and we are all soooo glad about that, so unbelievably glad that has all left.

Photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/siennamooney/3184340721/

Just Keeping My Options Open...

J looked at me with her all knowing motherly look of concern when I announced that I was intending on going to OM's fiesta. Really it's cheap booze (I get tipsy on like one glass of wine) and it's a recession, why the hell not? Actually there are plenty of other reasons and they all have to do with having a good time and torturing OM. Yes, why the hell not, not the torturing part, the having a good time, the torturing is just a fringe benefit to me enjoying myself. See as witness from the last event, everyone seems to be there with the intention of making new friends, new friends result in more new friends like AB, so in the knowledge that AB is likely just going to be an awesome transparent friend like the rest of the gaggle around here, I'm seeing what else is out there in the way of community in general. And hell if AB is interested well we will cross that bridge when it arises. So I will don my infamous blue dress, and no it is not infamous for any Monica Lewinsky like reasons, and see what a bottle of wine and some appies will get me, aside from the standard gropey hug and a few uncomfortable moments courtesy of OM.

Before all that I'll be trawling the stacks, I keep forgetting that I am apparently in school... nagging degree business this all is...

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/historyanorak/3380200086/

I May Never Recover

Last night came together in ways that well I guess were organic, and since we'll I'm one of those yuppie, hippie, postish gen x'ers we are safe to say I'm more than okay with organic.

J has a shiteous day at work and well I knew a little liquid courage wasn't going to do me any harm before I had to drop off the goodies. So we drank, discussed J's target DB and yes AB whom J has yet to meet and may be meeting sometime soon. After which I skedaddled over to AB house to drop off the cookies and then intended to go home and do the dishes, clean the house from the whirlwind of me running through it all, and so on and so forth... but that didn't happen, I got the tour of the place and then proceed to join AB and a gaggle of ladies which became other and then shifted in size down to just 4 of us for a long, oh very long walk, to the point where I was wondering if the buses were still running and AR called to make sure I was still alive... we talked, dished personal shit, and discussed the fringes of the whole CEF drama... (and no I did not bring it up - the conversation seemed to just get there via the others in the group's discussion of ended engagements - as J says it makes me sound mysterious - for me it makes me feel like a Charlotte, die hard romantic brainless fool...) it was nice and deja vu BI style. We've arranged other meetings and in the end it just seems like an organically developing friendship, and beyond that? We'll leave it where it is right now, it works for me, thank you.

I Dont' Hook Up - But I Do Put Out

The baked goods that is, just in case your minds weren't in the right place this morning...in that I'm making a jaunt to drop off some freshly made cookies this evening...

But that's not the point I'm really getting at while I baked/cooked and did my do diligence for almost 4 months with BI, the entire time I was in his cross hairs as J calls it and not the other way around. I spent the time unintentionally seducing him with either my cheesecake, my red hair or my shiteous taste in movies, regardless, food was involved. And since it's claimed that food is the way to a man's heart, I have since followed the belief, that since I'm not going to offer the slices for free,* I might as well offer homemade cookies. So if you start getting baked goods, especially those you claim to be your favorites, from me on a regular basis, while it may be out of my own consciousness of my waistline in combination with stress baking, it's likely because you've slipped into my cross hairs... I can't say that this the case for tonight's delivery, but it could be...

Here's to all the men unwittingly in cross hairs today, because well to be honest most of you are in some way shape or form, it's okay though, it's safe to leave your houses, it's aways been this way, from the moment you were born to the day you leave this world. It is for this reason that I wonder why there weren't more female secret agents, really we are plotting, scheming and well doing whatever we feel like to torture or seduce you... maybe that's why, we can't be trusted when men are involved.

I will leave you with the wise words of Ms. Adele: He would be hard to chase, But good to catch, and he could change the world, With his hands behind his back, oh...

*Wisdom courtesy of Stacey London, no boy is going to buy the loaf if you are handing out the slices for free, so cover yo'self up.
Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/77824231@N00/1217149145/

So I have a wedding venue... I just need a groom

I just about fell over today when I was offered a discount on a venue. Something to work towards he joked, hahaha...and then I looked again, it would be an awesome venue. Okay schedule me in, give me 3 years, I think that's safe. No? Dear J before I have you at my door, or hunting me down in the grocery store, I did not book it though tempted. Anyways, it made me wonder have there been whispers down the pipeline that I've been getting out and about. It has always been my policy aside from blogging to keep the men in my life, minor or massively wrong out of the spotlight until the one blinding moment they are exposed to everyone in one go and then see how they survive. Suprisingly enough, I actually in theory test drove AB with everyone at my birthday, and OM had been run past J and failed (sort of), so hmm, I guess a new pattern is emerging though at this point none will be the person I will using to validate that venue booking. Oh J it's like the most amazing venue ever... and now I am going to get my paper bag, and my therapy journal and return myself to the present, where Martha Stewart does not reside with fairy wings made of vellum invitations...

In case you were wondering

Aussie roommate always seems to look at me like I'm just well foreign when I leave the house all dolled up for the 2 second jaunt to Sbucks. The reason? You never know who is going to snag you and talk you up for like 30 minutes. So was the case when baby but oh so cute barista boy decided it was time to be social and well do what social people do, talk. I doubt he was flirting given that that act would make me like a premature cougar, a cougarling, but I'm okay with learning that skill. In the end it was just what I think I needed, a constant reminder that every conversation with a potentional or not is a warm up, it's a lesson, a moment to learn a new skill, a new way to get into and or out of a conversation... so while baby barista will be off into the land of travelling unknowns, who knows... for the few days he's still there I'm going to get all the free coffee I can out of it.

So yes this also relates to trips to the grocery store, the library and the local Vetern's hall, look smart, stay sharp and you just may snag you a honey, or at least a free bevy.

Names

Have you ever found yourself writing someone off because of their name. Now I realize I now sound shallow and yes we might have found one good reason why I'm single, but actually I'm not that picky... Sure I've been noted as saying someone with the same last name would be wonderful, it would save me from having all my towels, stationary, pillowcases and bedding re-monogrammed. I have to say it was funny when discussing a person of the past with TBF(Tattooed Best Friend)she insisted he be dropped not for his doucheyness but rather his name... I think there's a reason she's still a best friend. Anyways I found myself writing out another name today and having the urge to recall the joys of elementary school by writing out my name with his last name, surrounding it with bubbly hearts and flowers, now we could chalk that up to the mocha light frappe I just downed in record speed since I have the heat on full in my office... or I've officially lost my brain and I need to be intervened with before someone (me) makes an ass of themselves... though that would just be a regular occurrence, so I don't know if I need an intervention for this one specific case or my non-endearing behavior in general, because it is apparently doing me no good, it's all not good...

Regardless please tell me this need has overcome one of you dear readers in the last decade...

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/perpetualbliss/2986747719/

L swore she would never breakup again...

So she hated whenever I played this song, me however, I loved the song when I was with CEF, maybe because I felt that there is truth in the song, the kind of truth about love fading, the kind of love CEF and I never had, so this would never have happened... there's an honest desperation and of course because John can and does it is dripping with emotion/desperate affection/anger/confusion and well it's sexy, no? I have to say I love the line, "you'll be a bitch because you can..." um ya, I think that nails that part of a dying relationship for me.

Funny thing is right now I just love the song, it's the kind I want to play as the setting sun is filtering it's way into the kitchen, turn it up, open the back door, light a few candles and enjoy the rest of my wine, erstwhile washing the dishing and swaying (I don't dance) to the beat...

Good Girls Don't

Do lots of things I'm sure I've been known to do, which is maybe why I like the bad boys when it has come to dating. My policy has been if they're tattooed, pierced, have a little bit of a potty mouth and play an instrument, then I'm all over it like a bridezilla at a Kleinfeld sample sale... in recent months I've learned that while that may be what I'm attracted to since I'm not a purely good girl, and you don't get the bad boys that you can change - a la Beauty and the Beast, and vice versa, good guys it seems are looking for something a little, perhaps wilder. I was thinking about that as I wrote out for like the millionth time that an individual I know is a "genuinely nice guy" and blah blah blah, so why not this said genuinely nice guy? Because well I know I'm not even registering on his radar, that is if guys have that... so be that person out of left field saying hey you seem like a really great guy wanna go to _____, seems so completely wrong... am I wrong for believing that?

Written in the Stars?

To amuse myself I read my horoscope and check out what the wise readers of the gassy masses and centripetally moving masses see, I almost even convinced J to come with me to get a reading, but in the end I just wasn't sure that I could handle what would be said objectively, I knew I'd either hear it would be years before I'd find someone or the opposite, both of which I'd rather leave to those gassy masses... anyways to I checked out the alignment for myself and the two most prominently featured acronyms... I have to say it's funny to read them, because well, in hindsight they seem sooooo accurate.

Well in regards to OM, apparently I'd have to be on crack if I think we'd work out, according to the heavens, sure OM's sign finds me as hot as a Las Vegas August afternoon, but beyond that it also finds me as annoying as one of those afternoons can be chaffing every last inch of you as you burn, melt and darn well get angered to high heavens - yep we can check that one off as successfully achieved... in the end it's a flash in the pan and that's about it, I've moved on as predicted and he's still figuring it all out...

As to the other labeled soul, apparently it could be "magical," hmm, ya not interested if there are saws, bunnies and top hats involved... but apparently we're hot for each like that August afternoon, I'd have to say in my opinion we're at the I don't think I've even considered that stage, so I don't know, it could be, we're keeping that off the table because well why the hell should it be on the table, for one if we remember the whole long acronym, we haven't changed planetary systems so thus I can't foresee myself being considered suitable, but if we do shift the time space continuum apparently I could have found my not railroadable counterpart who will provide me stability, consistency and the patience to deal with someone owned entirely by the twins...only catch supposedly they like to lead thus the no railroad, so I'll be waiting on that time shift shit to go down, I wonder if I can cook up anything in the lab to speed up that process... not that, oh what the hell, why deny it, we all know that I want something to happen... shit my life is just not working out these days, this is the worst ever.

Ever Had A, I Wish...

you would just kiss me moment? I think I've had a few and one unfortunately came when it was least going to happen given the copious amount of products involved... we'll leave it at that on that one, but really, I am trying to figure out why I've felt like that in two situations in the last 8 months (give you all a nice large ballpark to wonder in so that no one feels left out). Of course the argument is and I can hear it off out there from a certain individual that I shouldn't complain about it, and I should do something about it, sure... that's easy for you to say. I get squirrelly about the whole asking out business, I'm not going to lean forward and slightly to one side to get rejected... because hey maybe my wiring and signals and all that is off. I was thinking about one such case, and trying to in my lovely female Gemini way to over think, analyse it, and no it didn't help that I got the oh but he really looks like he likes you by the way he was looking at you (no that was someone drinking and a certain blue dress) - that was that - nothing more and just nothing.... so we can be glad that I didn't do anything about that... beyond that we also can say I would have most definitely regretted the other case too, but not the for rejection that would have occurred, oh no because it would have been a waste of my precious hormones... just because they seem to be in abundance doesn't mean that I'm all over giving them out whenever the mood strikes.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/osvaldo_zoom/3559716056

It's Not Worth IT is it?

Sitting here trying to figure out how to start, do I empty out my frustrations about the brunette always being labelled as the tarts that defile the young men, only to be rescued by the blond (check your bildugsroman definitions), I love how pop culture steals just enough to capture the attention of the fringe, we had this discussion in another time and place about a music video featuring a cuckold... but anyways that is neither here and not there or here... so moving on. After a weekend of partying, I'm trying to figure out how I decided to in my old age to ramp up my social calender...maybe just maybe because I figured somewhere along the way it would all pay off and I wouldn't be blogging about acronyms and mystery pseudo men, that it would all be wrapping itself up into a neater bundle, of boy meets girl, boy calls/FB's/emails girl, boy and girl meet informally - coffee, used book store, gallery or whatever - not all on one day of course, and then if boy likes girl we progress from there. Simple? Well apparently it goes more like this: boy and girl meet, girl thinks boy is cute, emails/FB's/texts boy, boy responds, waits, waits, boy waits a little longer and girl moves on... or girl gets impatient and asks uninterested boy out... or as seen on the weekend as we passed by a local nightclub, I apparently would be successful if I took the dress I was wearing on Saturday night, opted to skip the double sided tape and took 12 inches off the bottom, ensuring that the hem instead of grazing my knees grazed my toosh instead... is that what I'm left with? Is that how it's done? Because while I function under the I don't care if you look policy those boys I believe function under the belief they get the right to touch after one weak assed martini... even a strong, excellently executed one doesn't get you that far, it may get you my guarded with my life phone number... yes you are of select company if you get my number, it has something do with a CEF... all that being said I believe today June 8th it's SO NOT WORTH IT ALL, someone please I beg you prove me wrong.

Someone again remind me about tequila

So I am once again sitting across from Aussie roommate chowing down on the Gaviscon and tortilla chips trying to cancel out the repetitive nature of tequila in my system, sure there are a few sour patch kids going down as well... hey something else should be pickling my liver right now should it? So anyways the tequila? It of course was downed in celebration of my birthday or unbirthday whatever we've decided... So well anyways since I've had a few let's discuss my life... yes my wonderful life.

So my therapist - let's call her X thinks that blogging is an unusual way to sort through the problematic nature of this world, relationships and all the shit that goes down day to day. Well I think she's sort of right and wrong, see writers - like Ford Maddox Ford, Virgina Wolfe and well hundreds if not thousands of others have used their personal shit as a foundation for their writing, and before I get some disgruntled rant about how dare I relate myself to Virgina Wolfe - you're right, I am more like Ford Maddox Ford (and that was an entirely a joke for me - sorry)... any who's writing for me and for you, lets me poke around in my life for the humour and cover it with a nice coating of distorted truth. So while OM is off somewhere tooling around with whomever and ignoring the reality of my direct nature (bad idea - really we all know that I'm not going to deal with that well), I had a wonderful time with my wonderful friends and enjoy the whole process again of getting know people around me and being more and more transparent and no that transparency isn't going to take route anywhere around here. So my brain hurts, my mouth hurts (smiling and no I'm not going to tell you why) and I'm at the point where I realize that this outfit SO VERY needed double sided tape - errr ya, well someone got a good eye full tonight.

Tootles...

Summer Lovin'

The claim is that the summer heat brings out all the other kinds of heat between the sexes (and yes there are couples popping up all over the place), however I have to seriously disagree, and while I could argue that disagreement based on my own personal experience, I have to say it's more just based on general perception...

Summer brings with it the following:

Heat: Which robs us (me) of sleep, making us (me cranky, moody, irritable...), it makes makeup application and hair styling annoying, pointless and then returns us (me) to the whole moody and cranky part - this morning for example I found myself blow drying/flat ironing my hair while standing in front of my fan in the attempt to counteract the heat, and reduce the makeup drip off. I've even been known to do more environmental damage via electricity use by standing in front of the open freezer post hot roller application to prep my face for foundation... well it was August and my belief was if I am going to get some lovin' I best put my face on.

Sand: It's dusty, it's dirty and it gets into the most unfortunate of places

Skin: So I get that this is part of the whole summer lovin' thing - because well every inch of social permitable for exposure skin is out there, and a lot that shouldn't be seen... and while I know the boys love the boobs or whatever else, for someone like myself prone to burn lobster red in less time than it takes for your frappe to melt, it's pure evil. If whatever is exposed is not covered in SPF 80 and then covered by clothing I might as well not leave the house - and even then. I've been known to burn in the shade, if I don't burn, I get one hell of a heat rash... that's actually worse surprisingly.

Then of course once you're good and burned the skin starts to peel and unless you've already found someone to love you unconditionally enough to loofah your back and all those unreachable regions you are left to peel in the most unfortunate of fashions.

There's also the bug bites, allergies, and all the other small and large annoyances at this time of year. It's enough to make me want to stay inside in the dark with my fan, homemade iced tea (or a mojito) and a good book... if that sounds like your cup of iced tea then come on in and join me...

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/doseyparis/3077310996/

So....

I think I and we (singles) like to believe that marriage and all that jazz is just part of the puzzle, and maybe it is, or maybe it's the icing on the cake (so it's hard finding the right metaphor). It isn't the thing/act/ring/dress that is going to complete us, make right all that is emotionally, spiritually and physically awry with us... nor is it going to make your future any clearer, because if it's a big fog right now, someones input whether well meaning or not is not going to make it any clearer.

While J insists her brain is still in love with NYC and her heart or maybe her entire spiritual entity is still in NYC, I don't know but mine couldn't stay, maybe because as much as I would like to do graduate school, I don't have that luxury of such a decision, I haven't given myself a whole lot of future glancing luxury these days. Why? Well the complex and the simple. The simple is I have a whole 2 semesters before I need to worry about applications and all that - and while they are on the agenda, I'm in no position to start filling them out. But really the issue is so much more complex - I have to stay present, planning my future at the expense of my present has been my coping mechanism for years, it had to be, I had to believe that somewhere, at sometime, life would change, it would be freer, fuller and well fun. Sooo while I deal with all that is present I know that my future needs to remain just that a future being formed by my acts in the present, and it's not the other way around, my future acts don't change my current situation...

Musical Interleud

I think I was in Bloomingdales when I heard this song and it reminded me of how much I missed her music, and hey well the lyrics were apropo:

Put Down The Fork

....because you know that what ails you is not going to be better and likely possibly worse if you think that a slice of birthday cake at 10am is going to make the whole he's really not into you thing, really sink in, the really part, like really, for sure, eh, you know, you REALLY know he's not ever going to call, ever remember your birthday, your favorite flower (peony), your favorite colour (pink), your favorite author (Rushdie), favorite movie... (we need to leave somethings off the interwebs)...and so on and so forth. I think I really realized this week that it all is in the was, this all was, a definite for sure, we just box the remnant emotions, pack up those straggling memories, and wishes and trade the shelved red stilettos for that box, and put it up on the shelf with the ex-fiance, the other ex's and know that they can keep each other company up there. In the end it is what it is and nothing I could have or not said would have changed that when it came down to all of it in the end, to OM I occupied the position that many women do until we're moved over into the next category (get to know her), I was just my exterior, and maybe a small amount of interior, just enough to minimize the guilt of "befriending" a woman so you could stare at her boobs and hug her a little to long in the hopes of feeling something... because in the end even in his own words I was little more than the fantasy he had formed and while I guess I should be happy about it, given that we apparently value that aspect of imagination, I just find it frustrating...

Hmmm, cake...