X may be coming up to visit me in about a month or so for my birthday. It's a big one *gag.* It made me realize how much I miss him and conversely how much I don't think I can stand to see him. Go figure. He's being stoic or cold or another option - saying that it doesn't bother him, he's okay with everything and me? I've gone to complete and utter mush - weeping, sobbing mush. He is currently the one I would move, do whatever for. I phrase it like that because I know that while he is and will likely in some way always be that person - life doesn't always work out that way. I want him to be that person. I want it to work, and yet I wonder, in these talks we have, few and far between with school if he's being able to heal his heart where I haven't.
It's like the repetition of the pain in September, even worse, I feel like cursing that woman out most days for letting him go. It is my own damn fault, and yes while Ms. J and others say I made the right "grown-up" decision given all our circumstances, it is days like today I don't feel like I want to be a grown up.
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