My bestie Ms. J has a brand spanking new hip and as such I'm going to be spending my next few days sneaking food into her, watching movies and giggling about the hot doctors (there better be hot doctors). As such I won't be here.
And when I'm not here I'm going to be studying for the GRE again - good gracious I thought I dodged that bullet, *le sigh.* X and I started talking about the future - not like that kind of future but sort of - it's the even more challenging and complicated future.
See I like to plan, but in recent years I've beat down the planner in me so much that I think I'm afraid of planning. I'm afraid of saying yes to things - of quite frankly dreaming. I feel like when I get into dreamer/planning mode I forget the present, I forget my commonsense, and I find that the world I try to dream/plan into existence is founded nowhere in reality. In the end I guess the more I dig into this relationship and my future the more I realize just how damn burned I am/was by the whole CEF process. Some moments I find it's like realizing not only a scar I wasn't aware of but a whole abscessing wound. And then there are things that I thought I was afraid of that I really never was... *le sigh times deux*
X and I got into two little arguments if you will call them that last night - one about the cost of his graduation shirt - apparently he's neglected the part of growing up where dress shirts aren't found on the sale rack at the Gap, they cost money because you're an adult and looking like a schlumpy 19 year old is not acceptable at 30+. But we'll discuss that later. The other one was why am I doing two years of seminary, when seminary is ultimately just a middle man/point for my MA. Good question. One that actually didn't really sink in until this morning.
I'm not sure. I think when I set out to do my two years I was in a completely different place - I was single and I was (still am) really happy with the way things are here community and friend wise. When I became unsingle I didn't see the point in rushing off to apply anywhere. I don't plan on moving to be with X unless we are married - plain and simple. It's a huge move, it's a lot of paperwork and it's not going to be for us just to try things out. X agrees but thinks I should just apply in his general area - so we are close but not living together. Here is the sticky thing. The schools I want are on the West coast... they all require the GRE and I'm feeling royally overwhelmed.
I know this all doesn't really make sense. I guess what I mean is I understand that the most practical option is for me to apply for MA programs this Fall, but I think I'm just scared out of my gourd for that whole process. I once was a jump and deal with it girl, now I'm one who realizes that there are still open wounds from the last time I did that.
Photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/elizacate/3393159650/sizes/z/in/photostream/
I"m confused. The schools you want to go to are on the west coast. What is the GRE?
ReplyDeleteX lives on the East Coast and wants me to apply to an East Coast graduate school so we are in the same time zone/general area. The graduate schools I want to apply for are on the West Coast (California mainly).
ReplyDeleteThe GRE - is a standardized test for graduate schools in the USA since all the schools are very different - basically an A in some small university might be equal to an A at Harvard, it may be better it may be worse... Canadian schools as far as I can tell do not require the GRE. Basically consider it the graduate school equivalent to the SAT