So what did I do? All day today I cleaned, every corner of my bedroom, scrubbed the windows, the window screens, the walls, floor boards, rearranged the furniture, washed everything. In the faint, small hope that when I got into bed tonight it would feel different, that the memories wouldn't come flooding back in the clarity in which they consistently do. That I wouldn't long for him knowing it was all completely pointless, and that I wouldn't feel jealous. That I wouldn't wonder about the woman who being better for him than me would be able to get him to open up and truly love someone. I know that it is me. Not that woman, no that it is about me. That I can't be that woman, that I'm not that woman. It sucks to try to daily process that, when they are that person. The person who you first really love and open up everything in your life to and they choose to walk away.
So I work to daily purge what I can - leaving the wounds as clean as possible in the hopes they heal, the scars fade ever so slightly and I move on - another one of those faint hopes.
PS It feels no different in bed tonight...
Oh dear...you took the words out of my mouth.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is, honey... what if that person was never really that person for you? What if he took advantage of you like he does with everyone because ultimately it's all about him and his own inability to function like a human being. It's not hard to get a girl to be stuck on you forever - it's the ultimate form of narcissism. All he has to do is reach out somehow to you to get that little rush, the ego boost, and know that someone out there is pining for him.
ReplyDeleteDon't give him the satisfaction. He is slime, regardless of what he looks like in your memory.
I know that he wasn't that person for me, more importantly I wasn't that person for him - and that's what my brain works better on. I know he's no good - I know that. It's the process of separating the good memories from the current reality, not letting them colour things, it takes a daily act to remember that the love that was is not the love that a life long relationship is built on.
ReplyDelete