To Add Insult to Injury

I have a major toothache, it's a holiday and I can't do anything about either - I'm poor, and well the holiday part means I have to find a way to dull the other pain in my body, both seem to be wholly unresponsive to anything, both leave me feeling exhausted and yet both also leave me tossing and turning in the night and of course all I want to do is crawl into AB arms and cry, about everything.

Tossing and turning about the last time and only time (note I know that never works despite wishing it would) I did the whole trying to convince someone that I really was right for them and the funny thing about that. See I knew Mr. I Play A Guitar was wrong all along, I mean what guy decides to walk away from the girl he likes to date a woman he thinks is better for him but he has no feelings for, in the end he broke her heart, came back a year later, and well let's just say he ended up going back to her a few times before randomly marrying someone else... messy... AB is by no means Mr. IPAG, and yet I feel like some how I have to say all those same sorts of things I felt like saying to Mr. IPAG. AB stated that one of the reasons that he said "there are certain things I could see arising that may not mesh easily through"

Things like: I know AB expects that there is a certain activity as part of the relationship. I get that, I understand that, and I guess what I have been trying to tell AB somewhere in all this, is even if that was on the table, it would be messy, that's the reason why it's not, not at this stage, I need to trust that the person I walk through that with isn't going to walk away in the struggle, pain and all the other unknowns. Funny thing is I genuinely thought AB was possibly that person - and I know that's not a fair statement.

As I stare at that text message a day later, I can see it clearer, the separation that despite everything, all said and shared, I need to compel myself to get up, dust myself off and know that despite everything, despite every belief, emotion and wish - even on that star that night, I am not what AB wants and I can't go on wishing that that wasn't the case. The other truth is, somewhere in all this, I guess that's okay, I know it doesn't reflect on who either of us is, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell.