I May Have a Crusty Heart

But this ad gets me every time - remember my 29 before 29 post below - I know it' probably getting lost in all my procrastination blogging.

Bah, See this is what I mean about endlessness on the web...

Human Chain from NikeSportswear on Vimeo.

I now have a new blog love Bieliker. As to why this post - well let's just say Eminem's Lose Yourself is sort of my mantra for this year - I know it sounds odd, but it is a one shot deal, no more time to waste on the getting on with the getting on with life.

Big-ish Year Ahead

So my birthday is not anytime soon soon, but it was about now when Ms. J and I started planning our NYC trip we did last year, so I figured hell might as well start now for this year.

There is only a small race related road trip on the books at this point... so right now aside from being informed by CW I HAVE to have an AMAZING high class party this year (we've yet to decide what that looks like - but it involves the lavender Grecian dress that Ms. J and I purchased in Greenwich Village last year)... but aside from that I figured I should have for a list like Slice of Pink for my *cough* 29 *cough* birthday - which is not this year if you're checking. So I am taking suggestions on the 29 things I should do before that fateful moment arises. Now please note I'm an NLLL poor broke - I will be living off of whatever I can pay down on my current student loan, so trips anywhere is near impossible... I will offer you these which will be on the list because hell I know I can do/have to do them...

1. Apply for graduate school
2. Dye hair blond - been every other "natural" shade
3. Make something with squash blossoms

So that leaves you 26 adventures for me - vote away, please note that I have been to Russia, seen the ballet, been to several NHL games, but beyond that go for it.

University

I have a confession, I love Felicity. It came out before my university times and even if it didn't let's just say olde uni wasn't like it. Watching the old clips in an attempt to cool down my melting brain from accounting... but really it isn't going to help and the reality is I'm not going to find that Hollywood version of university life in Pocatello, Idaho which is (someone shoot me) top on my list. Right now I have to focus on my current university situation which is *gasp* *moan* turning into a gong show of more and more schooling.

I am going to retreat to regroup with my hazelnut soy latte and this lovely man's voice:

Parents

I have briefly mentioned that my father is the only member of my immediate family I have contact with for reasons in many ways too complicated to explain. However in regards to my mother - I have ceased contact in part for the very reason HSBFF would love to and maybe some of you. Mothers bless their hearts have strong opinions, especially in regards to their daughters and their daughters futures. Though HSBFF is married with a kidlet her mother is attempting to make her presence known.

Some of us, like HSBFF and myself have been raised with honor you parents, but when did the honoring mean altering your adult life course to minimize conflict. I did it for many years while in university doing whatever needed to be done to keep my mom quiet. In the end I realized the best option for both of us was for me to sever the ties - she no longer could nag, and I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted and she had to live with it. The odd thing is I know what she would be saying right now:

1.Graduate school is crazy, you know what happened when you wrote the MCAT - I'm not going to comfort you when this fails too.

2. Moving? See you know you're always trying to run away, you never deal with your problems. To which she would add you're trying to make sure my grandchildren never see me, you know how hard that was on your Oma. For the record you moved ran away from home and stayed away...

3. Why are you running marathons, you know you had those foot problems and you look the same (ie. why haven't you lost weight). To which I have tried to explain - no nagging injuries and I run for sanity.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/24647350@N08/2638469382/

Music Friday

I am sipping in my second martini and trying to study for the GRE. In the spirit of studying - music.

I like putting on Youtube playlists to drown out the kids upstairs and the idiots outside - so one really old one and one cover.

So about HSBFF's Question

HSBFF asked if AB changed and came back would I take him back. What the hell kind of question is that? You know the answer - I don't have one.

I know that for him to change it will be like the second coming of a blue moon this spring season. It's not going to happen. He's not going to quit being a social alcoholic like any frat boy, but he's 31. He's not going to find a stable part time job in his field, and he's not going to make significant progress in his art.

So in the end even if he performed his grand gesture which he says he has but refuses to tell me what it is, or possibly share it with anyone - which makes me wonder if it existed or are you saving it...

I know that my answer would always have to be no, though let's be honest, because that's what we are here - if he came crawling back even without changing I know it would be bitterly hard for me to say no. Good gracious I loathe this diseased part of my brain.

I Believe the Hair Colour Has Officially Entered My Brain...

I had the weirdest collection of dreams last night involving AB, a sex text, a large peanut butter cup, travelling, Texas, GRE, literary references, my Blackberry and an assorted cast of characters. Now the peanut butter cup - I know where I got that - Not So Humble Pie's blog , as to the other components - well a huge percentage is intense mulling about of future life options, and as to AB, once the great minds of the world create a liver friendly brain cleaner I will be first in line.

Actually I know why he's there on second though and that is another blog in and of itself - a question HSBFF posed to me. I digress.

I am trying to semi plan with headlong closed minded but not to closed minded perspective, all the while knowing that I will have to move from my home town and country. The PhD/Masters programs are all in another country... one being far south in Costa Rica, or in Europe. So I being that I can say I'm under the influence of peroxide and or ammonia - here are my options

1. English MA/MFA/PhD program - the rough list includes: Oregon, California and New York right now - it will be expanding - I intend on apply to 10 schools

2. 1-2 MBA/Non-profit administration courses most are on the East Coast

3. UN Peace - Costa Rica

4. Drum roll... CC would be so happy if this one happen... Culinary School.

In the end I have a year until I have to make decisions about 2-4... right now it's all about the books - Wuthering Heights has replaced Passage to India because I just couldn't stomach it.

I know the song doesn't really related but in tiny response to the vitriol being pumped out against the Olympics Games in Vancouver, I say that I am proud of it, all of it, including KD's performance (this is from a previous event)

Weird, no?

HSBFF and I have been commuting together for the last little while and given that there is almost 15 years of history between us the conversation is always candid and a little odd for those sitting around us on the train.

Topic for discussion? OM and BV and CW's attempt to set me up (hasn't happened yet so don't worry you didn't miss anything). I was commenting that I tease OM, knowing that he considers me "hot" and "sexy" (who says that to a friend/pseudo date?) but he didn't think we'd have an intellectual connection... this coming from a man who is looking for two types of women - his 50's homemaker archetype and a wildness distinctly un-feminine women... so I hug him a little longer, flirt like crazy with him - it makes him blush and gives me my retaliation for being made to feel simple. BV also made me feel simple and over educated all in one fell swoop... he is in R&D for a medical engineering firm - when I asked scientific questions I got ridiculous responses so in detail that is was annoying and when I tried to engage in mutual intellect discussions he either lacked that or was uninterested. I once again felt like a piece of meat. CW's boyfriend is treating me like that too - he is the bridge to the blind date and apparently his refusal to set it up has nothing to do with my brain...

So this is sounding narcissistic and vain. Do I think I'm a stunner, a head turner - oh goodness no. To be honest if there are men out there who think so they can keep moving (though according to HSBFF who keeps pointing them out they aren't). Why? Because I don't like feeling objectified, and I know that that is universally not the intent with such attention, but for me it feels like that. I dress modest for the most part - sure when I'm out partying the girls are out - they're still not at my knees and so for the next few years they can see the setting sun for a little while, but the rest of the time - nope. The only time I would consider wearing a short skirt is a running skirt which has shorts and I almost always wear it over tights... I digress. The point? HSBFF thought it was hilarious that life was torturing me - when I was younger I was known only for my brain and know that I'm older and want to be known and respected for my intellect, I'm getting almost only attention for my very average looking body... WHAT GIVES? Then again I always held to the belief that men's tastes would develop, maybe they have to the point that my child bearing hips are more important than my brain... or maybe that's a digression in taste...

"Music" choice

In Honor of My Patron Saint for this Lovely Day

JOHN MAYER

He may be a man whore, a tool and a poor interview candidate, BUT the man can write a love/heartbreak/relationship song like no one. Not to mention his voice/talent *swoon* anyways... so not the point to all this. This is the point.

I dedicate this song to the man child who still needs my help when he's sick, who still randomly texts. Honey I love you, but I am not in love with your yeast/hops soaked ass. So listen to the song and understand we are NOTHING, not because I want us to be, but because we don't know how to be friends, and lovers well, I know you don't really truly love me, and I need that, crazy huh?

Half of My Heart...

Knows that it's going to have to put it's desire for a cuddle in the fading light of a Sunday afternoon away and embrace this shaky journey I've started. I know in many ways my pursuit of graduate school has really nothing to do with being single and/or picky, but the increasing weight of it is making realize that it is my relationship, for now. I will have to find comfort in the books that I'm plowing through, that my weekend adventures with Ms J will become centered on things unrelated to boys/men. So on that note you might find that my desire to write ebbs and flows and for that I'm extremely sorry. I know that as Anne Lamott says " writing is for some of us the latch that keeps the door of the pen closed, keeps these crazy ravenous dogs contained" and it is very much like that for me, but I also find that running does equally well with keeping the random ADD nature of my brain on ice...

So on that note I'm going to find some John Mayer, the open bottle of Pinot Gris in the fridge and make a very extensive Graduate school reading list to aid my GRE language exam

Valentine's Day

I have no moral objection to Valentine's Day. Seriously I don't. Weird. I do however have a moral objection to the idea that there will be a man some day in my life who will believe it is important. It is not. It is important that he remember my favorite colour *cough* pink *cough* or my favorite flowers (rose, peonies, tulips, freesia - any are good choices) etc, remember things I like etc. But you know what? I like those things year round. Like a big vase of pink tulips randomly arriving on the muckiest "winter" day around here would be more amazing then a singing card and a vase of overpriced roses (near death)... I know I'm asking too much. I know I'm picky and demanding and not thinking about how hard spontaneity and individual thought are.

So if he can only be spontaneous once in his life time I pray that it is when it involves a Legacy-esque ring and the act of proposing to my sorry self - in other words if he tries to do it on Valentine's day regardless of the carat, the answer will be no. Picky yes, crazy, I don't think so, but then again that might be because I have nothing to test it against.

PS. I will also admitt CEF managed the flowers thing - but he complained about the cost and never ever got a colour I would like or a type I remotely liked... and I am a horrible person for saying that, still

Fractures

TOITB has got me thinking about breakups. Mine have fallen into two categories, which I realize are obvious dumper and dumpy... but let me explain how they aren't obvious.

Category 1 - I dumped their complicated asses

First boyfriend - moved away to law school and while we should have ended it then - he cheated as part of his "removal of moral resistance to the acts necessary to be a good lawyer" - apparently if he could cheat on his girlfriend he would be okay with drinking and regurgitating redbulls and vodka in the law library etc... classy. This song was on the radio at the time - appropriate given his behaviour afterwards. I tried to go the classy route - I shoved all his stuff in a box, moved with that box and 3 years later when BI came on the scene burned everything except the prize t-shirt which I mailed to him in Houston.

First Fiance - He didn't cheat, but what the hell else didn't he do... let's just say being classy wasn't part of this deal, it was a get out alive and with as minimal life altering as necessary.

Obviously I don't know how to let them down gently, or find the kind who will behave...

Category 2 - this is the sorry tale of my life pseudo dating and then giving my blessing when I get replaced.

1.BWPAG (Boy Who Plays a Guitar) followed Lawyer boy - and he on a Transatlantic flight explained that he could only marry a nurse or a elementary school teacher. So there you have it folks you know two jobs I can not and will not do. This lack of vocational desire meant to BWPAG despite our chemistry/pseudo dating I would be a shitastic mother and wife, apparently a year after this moment he thought me worthy for a second go 'round let's just say I didn't. I forgot to mention one of my close friends who he had no feelings towards apparently fit the bill, she was a nurse - so of course I gave my blessing...

2. My Mr Big aka the Dr. We spent hours and hours with each other etc and etc - pseudo dating the story of my life - my boss/his coworker though we were dating for months and then lo and behold one of my coworkers tells me that they're dating and she wanted to break it to me - hmmm, interesting. So I did what I firmly believe I always should do, be classy, given fake but glowing acceptance speech and then let my friends say whatever they want in regards to the situation. Let's ignore that he came to my convocation etc.

3. BI doesn't really count - I loved him, but I guess in the end I wasn't in love with him and he's happier now because he's with someone who is long term more compatible, let's just say as a whole it still kinda sucks, to be so close, yet so far away - and no that isn't a fake glowing yadda yadda speech.

Yep there are likely others I left off all the online related scuffles that all fit under the first category - oh lord - no online dating for this little girl - it's a tragic scene.

Age

I don't like aging. I mean I like it - it comes with benefits, be them small - like drinking legally, renting, flying independently without supervision - though I wonder if I should get an escort some days.

Anyways as a woman aging is a sticky thing, especially when you're single. I'm not saying you can't be an amazing single woman at any age. You can and you likely are. The issue? Well. As I was trying to tame my tresses this morning I realized at best I will be 35 when I finish with school. Not really tragic, but the issue is this: my area of study is almost entirely women and gay men. I'm going to likely be hooped for finding a partner and having kids - and while I've already said I would adopt - I don't think I'm going to run into the cash necessary for adopting in the middle of school.... I digress, sorry long sentence. So? Well I feel like having a momentary pity party. It's not fair. My uterus is aging despite what I do to its encasing vessel - no amount of Botox, anti-aging cream/soap, running, SPF Vampire, vitamins, yoga, and hair colour will prevent it. However, men at any age past puberty can look good (not that they always do) - shaved head for those balding, color or natural for the grays - like Mr. A Cooper though he be on the other team is hot... they can have children at any age and more often than not they choose to date down in age. OM is a prime example. So while at this stage in my life I hate being considered a walking uterus for the 40 something male category, I know that when I'm nearing 40 not a single one of those men who is family minded is going to look my way... oh the inhumanity.

I vote for a arranged marriage. Who's with me?

I know it's a random music choice - but he was on American Idol(not that I watch it - it was mentioned on the radio this morning) and it was amazing, and I love this song... so here it is.

Word of the Day

In honor of TOITB's fear that he's too geeky - which I believe is actually the wrong term - though it's been a while since BI gave me the definitions... I digress, the point? Brains are a wonderful thing. Sure they can make the dating world a complicated place when you get all giggly over first editions, anniversary editions and retro science fiction amongst many things that make this young lady smile.

Anyways, the word of the day: cuckold - there is a somewhat definition below. One of the lovely words provided by years and years of medieval literature class.

I'm Ready...

So we know I did a major purging and rearranging of my room in preparation for:

1. My GRE study books
2. My accessory reading
3. Marathon prep - I have to be organized.
4. For the day in which I stop having to fight to forget, the day when the memories slowly disappear - you know that Harry Potter version of memory removal would be fabulous. Absolutely - someone get on that. Me? Well I'm going to go to bed with one thing on my wind, why on God's green and blooming Earth did I have ice cream - oh owie you know that is the worst form of dairy product to enter your system...

More Leona:

Sunday Morning Tunes

Purging...

Emotions are a nasty bee-atch. In all honesty I texted AB last night, not for a booty call, no point driving a hole through my heart regardless of how drunk I could have been, and for the record wasn't that drunk. I confessed that I still missed him bitterly and I hated that, I hated I couldn't forget him. He said he missed me too and wanted to get together. Jerk.

So what did I do? All day today I cleaned, every corner of my bedroom, scrubbed the windows, the window screens, the walls, floor boards, rearranged the furniture, washed everything. In the faint, small hope that when I got into bed tonight it would feel different, that the memories wouldn't come flooding back in the clarity in which they consistently do. That I wouldn't long for him knowing it was all completely pointless, and that I wouldn't feel jealous. That I wouldn't wonder about the woman who being better for him than me would be able to get him to open up and truly love someone. I know that it is me. Not that woman, no that it is about me. That I can't be that woman, that I'm not that woman. It sucks to try to daily process that, when they are that person. The person who you first really love and open up everything in your life to and they choose to walk away.

So I work to daily purge what I can - leaving the wounds as clean as possible in the hopes they heal, the scars fade ever so slightly and I move on - another one of those faint hopes.

PS It feels no different in bed tonight...

I Need A Favour

I need someone to check my texts from last night - really anything sent after 8pm. Once those are in the clear we need to find a way to convince Blackberry to develop a drunk texting app, something that will test your blood alcohol level and shut down if it's too high or something like that.

On the plus side of the evening and the reason I ended up the way I did:

1. Ms J is going to be my neighbor, we can be study buddies, sick buddies, TV buddies - we are going to have to marry twins at this rate kind of buddies. And even better there is a liquid fun store up the street so it will be awesome. All around awesome plus I have a friend who's a legitimate adult now, unlike me.

2. I looked good though who knows how I looked at the end of the evening. I mean I was fully clothed - nothing lost - though my hair might have been a fright... actually I did take off my shoes at the corner where Ms. J will be living soon, and walked home barefoot - the express bus had made me feel a little off. That really wasn't the issue, the issue was walking past the 4 police officers guarding the entrance to the venue and trying not to giggle.

3. I didn't kill myself on the BOSU in the middle of my floor

4. I was up and awake at 7am - yay circadian rhythm, I would have been up and showered and all that - but the landlord had emptied it so I wasted the last 2 hours in bed catching up on my blog reading. Y'all need to post more.

So... since I know no one is going to check my phone for me and honestly I would somehow be mortified if someone read it first before I could blog my shame, give me a second to remind myself that since AB isn't in bed next to me, it couldn't have been that bad...

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/realplastictrees/2662405773/

It's No Secret

I love NYC. Actually I have loved many other cities in my life - Moscow, St Petersburg being two others. Sure Philadelphia was nice and I would visit, but well I could live in NYC. Oddly enough I didn't really think about that until I started looking at graduate schools and looking at Ms. J's photos of us out and about in New York... Cornell though out of my league is my first choice - I dream like that - they have an amazing creative writing program where I can learn the value of then vs than, and the art of the semi colon, comma and well just all the fundamental principles of grammar so I can knowingly throw it all out the window. I have books I want to write - books about fairytales gone wrong and growing up, if we ever really do or can. And all that wonderfulness, but in all honesty I'm typing right now because my hives are getting worse and there is nothing I can do. I heart my dysfunctional body that refuses to follow convention. Convention would have a reason for my hives and convention would allow allergy medications to work. Alas it is not the case...



I love the song, and the city too...

Babies Part Deux

For the love of all things beautiful and covet worthy like this home in NYC or this one in Paree (Paris) I should not be around babies. Ack my uterus has taken over, it's more then just talking at me, it's yelling and starting a war, a revolt, a coup. That's it it's start a coup over my brain, my heart and my freaking common sense. I see a baby, and the only thing I can concentrate on it BABY, OOOOOOO BABY, OOOOOOOO, SO CUTE, BABY!!! I WANT A BABY!!! Is all my precious hormones are pumping through/screaming at my brain and insisting they get. I have officially banned myself from children. Yes Ms. J I am the one who more often then not swears that they are evil, originating from the same place as pantyhose runs and spilled food on a first date, lipstick on your teeth and all that. Evil. And maybe they still are for trying to in their cuteness start an internal revolt from the semi bottom (the uterus) up. I won't have it, I'll send in the military if I have to... or maybe just get my ass back on the pill lest I really do something incredibly stupid and alcohol fueled with AB and note I am aware that INCREDIBLY STUPID would be an understatement in that regard.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jane_sanders/2768212019/

Ohhhh

On a completely different note - I went for a run though it was a very short - ie 30 minute run today. It was my first run in a month, I almost well you know, at the bliss of finally being able to feel that joy of flying around corners, of hearing only the sound of my breathing and the plod plod plod of my shoes on the ground. Even more exciting, despite what is being prayed for, danced for and even supported by the groundhogs, it is officially spring outside - the trees are blooming, the world is green and I ran in capris, a tee and arm warmers - no toque, no jacket, no long tights, no mittens. Was beyond bliss until I started my core work - that's when I put on OM's theme song, though I think we are going to reclaim it and give it to my equally annoying core work out.

Babies!

I held a 2 month old little boy today - who snuggled sleepily into my neck as I carried him down two flights of stairs. Our lift is not in service so his mom was helped down with the stroller and one of my staff carried his sister... Holding that little precious life was a very very unfair biological teaser. I joked I would have happily taken him home. I know that day will come in some form, but it's hard. I know N is struggling with her birthday this year. The feeling that even as HSBFF says, none of us feels really grown up yet. So as I realize I will have to throw myself with wild unhindered almost bizarrely narrow minded abandon at my application for a PhD program, I wonder when I'll feel like I've made it into the world of adulthood, when those milestones come will they feel like it?

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/seandreilinger/289152748/

PS I was going through my other life blog archives and was reminded of this beautiful singer - and her song which I dearly love for two different reasons 1 and 2 though of course she has other lovely music