One Reason I'm Single...

I more often than not have more fun with my girlfriends than I do on dates - take Friday for example.

1-2pm Lunch with CW at her favorite Vietnamese restaurant (I called it an early day)

3pm Met Ms. J for New Moon (squee! as she would say) - I had a gift certificate for two tickets with the works included... so while Ms. J snuck in an egg nog latte I curled up with a root beer and popcorn... and enjoyed the cat calls and the murmurs of a theatre full of women of a similar age...

6pm Window shopped - I tried on a few pairs of what Ms. Winehouse has labeled F me pumps... I will be returning for the pair that didn't have the 5 inch heel..., visited Banana so Ms. J could fondle the cashmere and I could try on a few dresses all which were unsatisfactory

8pm Booze! Thanks to the local "chain" restaurant's double and triple martini offer - I had me a double and a salad - you know to balance out all the calories... Chatted the wonders of a new job for Ms. J, travel, men and all sorts of things...

11pm Shower and snuggled into bed.

So why a day with the girls and not a boy - well I had no touchy feely drunk boys like AL to deal with, no emotional outbursts and while I like games night at AB's - I am actually beginning to resent him... figures it would happen - I'm trying not to completely sour to him but I know it's inevitable.

So to the lovely single men out there you don't need to replace Ms. J you just need to make me want to spend more time with you than with her. Not too hard is it?

Hormones and the Wonders of Booze

I am beginning to realize the at the reason the Twilight saga is so popular amongst the older crowd has really nothing to do with the true love and transportation to our vague and fast disappearing from our memories, teen years. It more has to do with the simple fact that Stephanie Meyers wrote a book that would suck us in and then absolve us of our hidden hormones. While we (those older than 12) might not be willing to admit it, as CW said to me when I finished the series, "Didn't she seem ridiculously horny..." to which I said almost the opposite, "Wasn't it so weird that he was restrained, never once did he cross the line ever, made him seem definitely un-human."

So here's the run down, Bella tries continuously to jump Edward and Edward plays his ironically Edwardian role of chaste lover of her heart and brain... Somewhere this all seems wrong. Okay I'm all for men respecting women - getting to know them for more than what is in their pants, but when you turn the roles so polar I start to wonder what is being said about women and their desires. Let me clarify this we want it, especially as we get older - sure there is some debate about the whole sexual maturity thing, let's say I think a lot of it is directly correlated to the I don't give a shit quotient that seems to ramp up about this time in life too - we realize that we need Spanx, anti-aging creme, exercise and all sorts of other helpers than why the hell should be we shy about wanting it. So we want it, nothing wrong with that now is there? The question is why polarize it, why make it seem like it's wrong? Or is it? Women's fiction has been consistently polarized in the opposite direction and I don't think that is far either, but I guess that doesn't make good fiction now does it. Can't have two people on equal footing, mutually consenting now can we?

The photo highlights the wonders of gin for Katie and me... tequila gives me heartburn and vodka is my friend, it wouldn't make me do the things that gin does...

Single...

I realized as I crossed the finish line this weekend and more recently as I was trying to figure out who to take to my office Christmas party (still looking for a date - free food and booze). AB is playing the maybe game about the party, and MW is too wilderness boy for the party... I would consider OM if he wasn't well, creepy...

So here's the deal I am not happy with my options. I mean in theory I would be happy with AB if he stopped acting the fool. MW is funny and a good friend and a strategic friend given his job, but in the end I don't think we can gel so that traveling with me to races and living in the city would work... so I am going to be moving forward single? I guess so. I am going to be looking for travel friends in the future - there is a race in DC in March...

I guess what I'm getting at as jet lag is doing bad things to my brain is this whole relationship thing is proving itself useless at this point. Back to that whole happy and single thing...

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/hansme/3644160738/

Tough Love

Courtesy of my aunt's 100+ channels of everything under the sun I found a show called Tough Love 2. I was actually kind of surprised because in the middle of all the weird shows they have on reality television, it seems to get to the heart of the million and one problems we single women seem to have. I thankfully haven't required an embarrassing television show, I have however found that hours and months of expensive therapy have helped in some ways. In the end I don't have the luxury of a show to screen through potentials. But as I sat staring at the mess of my luggage in my cousin's Twilight infused room, thinking about AB who hasn't bothered to see how I am and my frustrations at wondering how even a friend can do that, and MW who has stepped in with a vengeance - he's always been a great occasional chat person, but he's been really saving the day with his cheeky humor trying to deflate the anxiety... I know that no act in my life defines me - that my past doesn't make me a certain kind of person and to the daily acts that my actions tomorrow - that that race is not me, success or failure it's one foot in front of the other...

Sticky Hips and Crummy Sleep

I have sticky hips. Sexy. Quite simply the major muscle that is suppose to slip over the greater trochanter doesn't always like to or does too readily - however it feels. Right now after hours of sitting on my precious derriere and being unable to pack a yoga mat, I can hardly walk, let alone run a marathon. So here I am trying to figure out how the pro's do it. Maybe they don't have sticky hips (note though I have flexible hamstrings and tight calves), maybe jet lag doesn't bother them, maybe a lot of things. Like I had to resort to my diminishing Ativan stash from Ms. J to get me past the sound of snoring in the next room, the itchy cotton sheets, get past all those things that seem to irritate the hell out of you when you can't quite sleep. But here is to a new day - race package pick up and all other sorts of run fun...

Did I mention I'm terrified?

Jet Lag

I am having a serious issue with this jet lag business. I had 3 cups of coffee this afternoon so I could haul my ass out of bed at 2pm. I did everything I could to get awake - shower, shave, full hair styling - which I might add is a pain in the ass - makeup, non-comfy clothes, and then I found myself reading Roy's new book and wanting to pick my eyes out slowly with the text from the page - I'd have to extract it first though.... I digress. But here I am awake. I am awake and slightly annoyed.

AB hasn't texted. I kind of figured, and yet I didn't. I didn't think we'd go 24 hours not texting just because, sure we have before under other reasons. To add to all this I guess I need to add another person to the list... *deep breath*

I have a confession. I have done online meeting - not online dating - because I have not "dated" any of the men I have met. I have however made friends - made long term friends with two men I found on a site devoted to people of the same religious/socio-cultural heritage. I met one of them, we had fun, but there wasn't sparks then. Now? Who knows I've done a lot of therapy and hell of a lot else in my life. While I would like to say I have changed, in many ways I don't believe that I've changed in ways to make me any more attractive to this person - in the sense of long term goals. I know he's ready to settle down more or less, and all that - anyways I'm not getting to the crux of things. We've been cheekily flirting I guess via FB and Twitter, he's funny, he's got his shit together, and as much as I wish I could tap AB on the shoulder and say see - I guess I could say see what - someone not far but not close to me, someone who I don't know if I would spark with all over again - I don't know. *deep breath* This is where I try and pry all that I've given to AB away from him since he isn't sure enough so that I know he doesn't really want it in the end - y'all know what I am getting at... and just move forward. Move on towards an expensive educational pursuit and whatever else life has in store.

So on that note we give him a name - More wilderness boy than this city girl can handle. I think that works

Edward

I will confess as it has been referenced in the past that I have read the Twilight series... I have a cougar like attraction towards a character, not Edward, and now I apologize to my adult female peers. It is wrong. Very wrong. Last night when I laid down to have some Ativan assisted sleep, I found myself looking up at a LARGE poster of a snarly looking Edward and while I might have laughed and shrieked at that same time. I realized she looks that this poster every night. What has my 12 year old cousin, who looking like she could be my age in many biological respects, thinking when she sees this? This is my future husband? The first boy I kiss - it's going to be the way it was for Bella? The boy I fall in love with is going to be beyond chaste and never feel me up, though he sleeps by me every night? That I won't ever feel like not being chaste before I am actually ready...

To my cousin I have this to say:

1. Let's all now eliminate that belief you will marry Edward he's fiction, Robert is an actor much too old for you, as for marrying a vampire - well honey I am not going to go there.

2. Your first kiss is going to be awkward, hell even at 20 mine was more awkward than I want to go through again. It likely won't take your breath away, it might, maybe I am a pessimist. Actually now that I think about, wait until you are in your late 20's, have too much gin one night, and after flirting with a boy you've wanted to kiss for months - then that kiss will take your breath away, and do all that other stuff Hollywood promises you. Note #4, because you won't want to stop there.

3. Young boys are just hormones, they haven't mastered smooth yet, they think they have so learn this and learn this quickly because it will hopefully be less obvious the older you get - they will take whatever advantage you offer. The skeezy ones will take even what you don't offer that is what pepper spray and older brothers/dads are for.

4. The above becomes your reality in reverse, you'll be coy while you are young and cute, and once that uterus starts talking, that game goes out the window - you'll become friends with Victoria to help out the gals and Grey Goose to help make that boy on the stool next to you less annoying.

Airborne

I am currently airborne or sitting in one of many lovely airports around North America today. I am off to a city that can't be mentioned, but if you put your lovely thinking caps on I think you can figure it out.

Hint 1: Big Race Weekend

Hint 2: "Warmish" weather - note that is a VERY relative term

Hint 3: Time zone change

I know that helps big time - I'm going to be reading this book and sleeping a lot this weekend.

Repost

Attention staff, friends and others alike while this sentiment isn't quite right, this is a running vacation, and not a vacation vacation - I would like it to be one. I am currently suffering with anxiety/stress hives, disobedient skin and an overall jittery feeling due to the million and one things I need to do today. So virtually hug me by not calling to tell me my staff are out of line, that we are out of ____, that someone did _____...

Tagged...

Therapeutic Ramblings has tagged me to reveal 10 facts about myself... I don't do facts, y'all should know that, I've got a secret or not so secret identity to maintain... but in the spirit of the events I will participate truthfully*...

1. I will always text rather than call, I hate using the phone other than at work - AB and I don't talk on the phone unless it REALLY requires it.
2. I've been to the vast majority of the western states via bus and train...
3. I hate Las Vegas for it's wasteful food portions, and the inability to find healthy food options...
4. Vegan for 2+ years would go back in a heart beat if it didn't make me a dating leper
5. I have a huge girl crush on Dita
6. I love the words: cheeky, corruption and sea hag
7. The name of the ex fiance is the same name of the first boy I publicly liked - bad juju name
8. I don't drive, I do not have a licence - for environmental, social, financial and personal/practical reasons
9. I don't carry anything other than an oversized designer handbag, especially not luggage, as I informed the nice young man at the local sports co-op... kind of cute in a I ride mountain bikes kind of way...reminds me of a nice Dr in Engineering boy I liked in high school who loved mountain bikes, he also likes tall waif like blonds (not at all like me in case you are curious)
10. I do not like Floridian water, say what you want, but it's so salty and warm in a pee'd in the pool like of temperature

My addition...

11. I used to and still love to sing this song, it's my early friendship with HSBFF bottled in a song, but note I will NEVER sing it solo in public, though put it on in a car, and well... it might happen

*everything can be qualified of course but these are definite truths outside of the disclaimer - crazy...

I would like to tag - Advice from a Single Girl, Ms. J, L and CC

Out of the Office

I'm out of the office today running errands, and enjoying time with Ms. J and HSBFF. Enjoy this song that L and I had on frequent rotation when she lived with me...

Ladylike

Ms. J recently quipped that I am always trying to be diplomatic. I try. I try to be a lady, like a 50's lady, not whatever we deem a lady these days. I pursue the following beliefs that a lady:

1. Knows how walk in heels without looking like the only time she does is for a job on a corner.

2. Only wears skirts at or least past your finger tips

3. Understands the importance and beauty of stockings - all forms, full or thigh high, I didn't say that a lady needs to be frigid.

4. Tips and tips well

5. Always is quick to say Thank you, Please, Yes (not yep or uh huh) and Sorry where appropriate

6. Curtsey's, even if just with your upper body language

7. Stands on a full train to ensure that someone else can sit

8. Always appropriately attired

9. Makes the bed

10. Brings a hostess gift, even in the case of OM, he's basically as hostess...

11. Never drinks beer, and only vodka minimally or gin, though this lady has learned it makes her do non-ladylike things

12. Never leaves too much out for viewing, though even that can be done classy

I do all of these lovely things, not because I believe they make me any better, no I do them to equal out all the very apparently non lady like things I do...

1. Thinks horrible cougar like things about certain actor who shall remain nameless

2. Use NLLL

3. Initiate things that have me now labelled by AB is a non-good girl (WTF I might add), not that we need to worry about any of that now.
4. Curse little children (not at their faces though)

5. Covet Louboutin booties

6. Teach my Blackberry the importance of four letter words and other essential vernacular

7. Secretly or not so secretly hope that OM is a closet case, so I can say I saw it from a mile away

8. Flirt shamelessly with AL - especially when he's drunk

9. Hug OM a little tighter than I should despite 7 because I know it makes him blush

10. Date more than one man or even worse give out pity dates to absolve my conscience

11. Swoon over animal prints and quite possibly have her Blackberry covered in one...

That About Sums it Up!

Parental Units...

I have one parental unit involved in my life, surprisingly the one who hadn't been for the vast majority of my life. In many moments over the last year he's had to jump some pretty big parental unit hurdles, and grow in ways that most girls start teaching their PU to rise to earlier on in life. My blessed PU is a little slow to the game still... then again I don't really blame him. I keep the "men" in my life as far away from my family as humanly possible. I once joked with CEF that I had no intention of ever introducing a man to my family until I was engaged - that happened with CEF - I don't think that will ever happen again - bad joojoo, as Ms.J says, went down...

So on that note, PU asked about AB. Does he go to church? Is he one of your people (I understand that sounds weird - the sentence was phrase quite differently but for the sake of eliminating Interweb identification - that gets altered) The answers were no and no, and followed by a question of Has he ever? I loved that one - ie. Is there hope? Ummm... well yes and no - it's funny the conversation ended there - in the back of my mind I was thinking that this is why adults need to stay out of the PU home... my mistakes would not have happened if I was at home... we could say that is a good thing, but I wonder if it is... because it seems now that I do more damage during normal hours - I joined the AB and Roommate crowd on Friday for wings, beer and Hockey - thanks BI (I feel like I've time warped back in time sitting with the guys)... AB left for a stop over at a party and I stayed with a very sloshed AL, AB sister and boyfriend, AB's BF and assorted AB roommate crew... the AB related friend base and I headed to their place for Settler's and more beer (which I have to say is vile and non-ladylike, and I managed only to consume half of the requisite board game admission amount)...I felt awkward, AL, AB's sister, BF and basically everyone at the table knows enough to know something happened, didn't happen, might happen and while I like them all, I feel odd maintaining the contact... Oy... someone smack some sense into me.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/12088086@N08/3065443397/

Call Me Crazy

I am sure you have already. I accept it, I am "down with that" as the young folks say these days, no? But I found this and I have to say as someone who has had to calculate the price of nuptials, especially "budget" ones that still don't look budget or DIY anywhere along the way, this makes me smile.

Smiling is good. Smiling has been limited as of late... so life crisis not averted but talked down to normalish size again courtesy of Ms. J - I have it seems a 3 year plan before I can consider the wonderful world of higher higher education with big lovely price tags that make me want to cry more than the idea that I may never own a pair of Louboutin's - you know future honey out there in the grande wide world - could you take a hint from pop culture and propose with a pair of Louboutin's or Jimmy Choo's or even Manolo's I won't be picky - and you can skip the Legacy setting from Tiffany's... oh no I haven't planned anything I promise *toe twist, bats eyelashes* Seriously I'm at the point where I forsee those coming via my own purchases, and I have no objection to such a situation, but we aren't going down that rabbit hole today...

Or maybe we are - I am making peace with:

1. Not being married
2. Adopting @ 33 - kids are more important to me, shocking I know

3. Debt! For education sake - the kind of debt that falls outside of the "responsible" kind of debt like a car, house etc.
4. That an ultra marathon might take me two years to get to being ready for... 50miles (eek - 26.2 is causing serious fear at the moment)
5.I have grey hair but no worries folks, you won't see it when Ms. J gets through with my tresses - shaving them all off, wigs forever - that way I could look like Marilyn or a 40's starlet every day of my life... or not.

Now before I hear that there are lots of wonderful guys out there - there are I know that, don't think I believe all the good ones are gone. I think the good ones are in hiding for their own safety at the moment and are sending out the closet cases (OM), frigid (BV), and overly affectionate (BB) ones to test us single gals, if we can survive with grace and a little class, then they'll appear magically or not, and hell I get lots to laugh about when I drink with the gals...

Time to Address the Big Issues

I have grey hair. Good lord since when? It seems I've been slacking in the hair maintenance department, primarily because I can't decide what to do... see here's the thing, I had waist length hair at one time in my life, I donned a wig this weekend for my Katara costume with a hairstyle identical to my preteen style - minus the loopies... it made me feel oddly nostalgic. Why is the hair issue important? Well other than yes I do have to address those greys, it is the tip of the decision iceberg...

I read the Economist religiously. Shocking, I know. Don't worry I read Women's Health and Runner's World with the same voracity, I think they balance each other out, like my purchasing of Diaspora research and stilettos on my NYC trip. All about balance... I digress.

My issue is every time I read through the E, I am reminded that I need to get my academic act together to get myself out of the level I am in. I am almost finished a second degree (it's useless) - so I checked out the program that appeals to me... it's in Europe, it's 35,000+ E a year (including living expenses) for two years plus a thesis and practicum... err that's a little pricey (for me) to be trained to manage an NGO (ie. a lower paying job with higher ethics...) Decisions like these are bigger issues - like I said to HSBFF's dad, law school (to do International Trade Law ie. WTO) at this point means me giving up having a family... the above mentioned degree more of less indicates that I'm willing to make the same choice, and for some reason I'm not sure I want to. We've been raised to believe we can have it all, but as a child who raised and provided for herself and her brother in the absence of parental units, I know you can't, crazy I know.

Oddly I feel really torn about the whole thing - I want kids damn it, not that the world wants me to, god knows they likely won't want me, but right now it doesn't seem like an option unless I go solo in my old age... and to add to all my emotional frustrations AB is chirping about me finding Mr. Perfect. Perfect hole in my head I seem to be able to find, but Mr. Perfect, he doesn't exist, right now I'm going for Mr. Not a Criminal, I am actually straight, faithful and will be a good dad, and you don't make me cringe - anything beyond that is icing... like the fireworks and all that - got that once in a lifetime and look where that got me, the rest is apparently WAY more important to get in line.

Photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/midwestsky/3706084876/

Observation...

I have observed some kind of weird phenomena... it seems that post 25ish to 30ish the majority of men are career focused, self development focused, focused on anything but stable relationships leading to marriage. However it seems about there women have gotten their degrees, done their requisite tour of Europe, entered the corporate landscape and start hearing the annoying loud ticking of their future coming from goodness knows where. Like my barista boy did today, it attacks you from behind, makes you feel slightly violated, but then you are forced to face it, attempt to wrinkle your preventative Botoxed brow at it, and then deal with it's ugly truth, like a sweat stain in a satin dress in August there is no avoiding it, your uterus has started to call the shots. So you do as any good single girl does and you develop a habit of: abusing your liver, spend long hours with a therapist trying to figure out why the hell your here (you discover your family is surprisingly more toxic than your new drinking habit), a fetish for some weird clothing item, pick up a slightly masochistic sport that involves tonnes of traveling to places that start interesting but unfruitful cocktail party conversations and so on... but in the end the only men chasing your skirt are OM types, too old, too single and oddly likely not too sure which team they prefer... and you for some reason as rational as the purchase of that silk dress from Banana Republic last year that left nothing to the imagination, you chase the one boy you should have smacked the last time he caressed your neck while watching the Princess Bride. Sure you gave him the hairy eyeball (Link gives the reference for the term) he knew what he was doing, but hell honey so did you... And so here we are, no?

http://www.flickr.com/photos/34343428@N03/3199162575/