Chemistry

Chemistry is a funny thing - you think you have it and you don't or you don't expect it and it shows up in the weirdest places.

Chemistry used to baffle me - not the science - that I was completely down with.  When I look back at the men in my life I find that interpersonal chemistry is nothing like the science.  You cannot combine two elements which you know should react and think you'll get a reaction - Sodium and Water do not a reaction make when it is people we are talking about and inert gases are apparently no longer stable.

I remember this clearly after my date with MW - he said quite plainly - he didn't feel a spark.  If I had been honest nor did I.  But the suggestion that a spark was more important than getting to know me hurt.  I've come to realize that is not what he meant at all.

I had no chemistry with CEF - one more freaking thing that was wrong, so very wrong with that relationship.  But moving on.  I had sexual chemistry with BI to the likes I don't know if there will be again - but we were not by any means meant to be.  I didn't have chemistry with OM, BV or a whole lot of the others until AB.  That threw me for a loop. I remember standing at Miss 60's party and wanting to pinch myself - wondering what was going on - there was something about him - something I hadn't known in my life.  Oddly I had that this past week and it reminded me that as much as I have had my stuck moments with AB - that there are others out there that will make me feel like it just fits, like it is someone who I could talk with for hours etc.  Which is why I just keep plodding on, chemistry can happen in surprising places, maybe it is like inorganic chemistry - you just have to keep mixing until you discover something new and beautiful - like a cobalt compound (cobalt chromium blue).

PU's and Dating

My PU, as he's referred to around here, and I have an improving relationship but it's not conventional because I never was a "conventional daughter." I was the take care of my brother, make dinner, do homework, serious child.  I didn't like boys (in my PU's opinion - but I did think boys were cool just so we are straight on that) and boys as far as I believed would never like me.  I never went on a date in high school, kissed a boy (had to wait until 2nd year of university and I really should have waited longer) and I went to grad/prom alone. 

I have no issue with this being my teenage story because the guys I went to school with were my friends - in the end I preferred being their friends and still being their friends, like BI.  Given that arrangement I think my parents got lulled into the perception that their daughter was either asexual or like a Disney Princess who being single her whole like miraculously stumbles upon a man of good moral character and breeding and in 10 to 30 minutes accepts a marriage proposal and it's all said and done.  Yet neither is the case - and they've had their struggles with that.  Some in part was my "fault."

Dr. A (My Mr. Big) was the first man I brought home in any respect - he was 15 years my senior and we weren't formally dating.  My parents didn't quite know what to do with themselves.  Thankfully for them he skipped town with a coworker.*  After that it was CEF who was thrown at them more or less - a hey so I'm getting married, here is my fiance and that's the end of that.  Well that policy was stupid, flawed and in the end caused so much strife that it was the final straw in my parent's marriage - August 08 was fun times all around our home.

So... after months and months of therapy etc - see previous posts for all the therapy reasons - my DrBrain says you need to start dating.  WHAT?!! I don't date.  I do the Disney princess and fall into a perfect relationship.  Apparently that is not how things work.  So I started with OM.  My PU didn't know about OM, and why did he need to - OM was a bust**.  Then came AB and simultaneously BV and then AL, BB.  AB in the end was the only one he ever knew about. ***

So what is the point in this sharing moment.  Well my PU doesn't know how to deal with the knowledge their were others, other than AB AND that there will be more in the future and I have FB and Dr. C to thank for all this.  No Dr. C and I are not or ever have discussed that topic of dating - but the presence of a man has left my dad scratching his head.  I guess to him I'm his little girl and little girls don't talk to boys.

Note:

*I hold no malice to either - they are perfect for each other, though for their reputations/friendships sake they could have done it differently if they had wanted to.

** PU knows now, stupid FB, I had at the long discussion about the Olympics had to spill how OM and I knew each other
*** He has never met AB oddly enough

Photo : http://www.flickr.com/photos/focus_in_mind/2328162855/sizes/m/in/photostream/

Ever Feel Like...

The bed is empty?

I'm not sure why I have been feeling this way for the last little while - but I have.  I could chalk it up to the whole it being a year since there was anyone else sharing the space next to me.  But to be honest I don't have that kind of nostalgia for AB.  I realized that this week when I thought back to last year at this time.  When everyone else was offering me encouragement as I ventured out on my first marathon - AB's response was he wasn't a "supportive kind of person."  While yes I rolled my eyes at the time, it has made me realize that there are those people who will show up in your life and keep cheering you on regardless, and there will be those people who only ever expect that you'll do that for them - he's that kind of person.

I know the feeling will go away - and regardless of whether it does or not I know it has to until I get married.  I learned with AB - and being honest with myself - I am too damn emotionally complicated for it to be any other way.  It isn't a popular decision and it seems uncommon in this time but it is the decision that I know, regardless of how I feel, I have to make.  That being said, I've found it hard to sleep during this time - maybe it's just the acknowledging of the need for human contact.  I (we single people) can put that need on the backburner but there are plenty of times where if I am honest I just want to be held - curl up on the couch with someone - not necessarily sexual - just another warm body that you respect and likewise back - obviously.  Anyways... this is just me trying find some space in my brain for sleep.  So while I go and dream of a warm someone else in the cold bed I'm borrowing for the week - I hope you all have sweet dreams.

PS The title of the picture reminded me of this song

http://www.flickr.com/photos/allyjadetakesphotos/4588607561/sizes/m/in/photostream/

Attn: East Coast Women

You apparently are not aware but you have an eligible bachelor in your midst.  Seriously.  I know everyone says all the good ones are gone but I believe while there might not be huge quantities left - there are some.  This one is even a doctor to be... kill two birds with one stone er shinny rock - snag a good guy and get your mother off your case for all the years you dated those emo man-children/aspiring *cough* er going nowhere musicians.  Who?  Well if I handed you his info then how would I know you worked for it.  Silly ladies, he is out there - keep looking and I'm sure you'll find him.

Hint - He comments on here once and while

So I am Here Again

I had the privilege of hearing a local writer speak today as part of the class I am in.  She echoed what Arundhati Roy says about writing - we have a duty to occupy a space where there is under representation or the wrong representation.  I have known that about my life story - I know I need to write it out as there is a significant under representation of the long term effects of abuse - the fear, the anxieties that always seem to sit just below the surface - there but not.  It has been a really long journey to this point - 2 years and counting.  Some days it still breaks me, some days that which is always under the surface is not happy being unseen.  Today is one of those days.  Oddly enough I had Make it or Break it on while making dinner, and this song came on.  I started to cry almost instantly.  I am a crier in many situations - this one though surprised me and maybe it's all the stress of school and packing finding their release.  But...

I felt like it was not just that, it was more.  I run because running is my way of reminding myself I am up to the challenge - what I thought would destroy me leaves me stronger.   It reinforces the positive belief I can walk away from the pain of the past, and walk towards a future where I know myself, where I know my strength, my value, my beauty as me, my uniqueness.  I know those on the surface sound superficial and vain.  But they are not - they are the things that we all deny ourselves.  We whether we are abused/abuse survivors and just going through life - we - men and women, deny ourselves the sacredness of who we are, of our voices, of our journeys. It also reminds me I can do what scares me.  It is like a flashback of the last two years - pain and fear can be overcome for something beautiful even if you want to puke from the anxiety when the gun goes off - it is a slow process - it is a process that is so so worth it.  I find it hard in these moments not only to remember the above, but to remember the distance - the growth, the goodness in the journey.  The demons I still carry can be my muse, they can be used for my good rather than my harm... Yep so while I go off to have a cathartic cry I leave you with some profound lyrics:

Slim Pickings

Sorry folks there is plenty I want to cover but given that I think my brain might just implode on me before I get everything accomplished I am not sure that spilling out whatever is functioning of my brain here is a good idea.  But alas I am here.  No man update - right now I am really happy ploding along without one.  I know that's the standard mantra - but actually here is the deal - I enjoy getting myself back to me and me has to be the focus right now.

I am almost finished undergraduate studies of any form and I have just a paper and a take home exam in between me and that finish line - and now as I type that out I have the incentive to really pump out my paper today.  So freaking close I can taste it - and I don't give a flying bleep what my prof thinks of my paper (ps she hated the last one - WHATEVER *in a whiny teenage voice*), again I will say SO CLOSE. 

I leave to Philly in T minus 7 days, actually technically less - AND I booked myself tight new week - great! just freaking great! Oh and that paper is due next Wednesday.  So on that note - love ya all I'll blog next Thursday when there is nothing left to do but make a major run to Shoppers at 11pm to stock up on beauty supplies.

"She Likes Boys Who Are Real"

My lovely aunt/godmother just emailed me in preparation for my upcoming trip to see her with my dad.  Apparently in the course of a year my cousin has gone from being obsessed with Edward (yes THAT Edward) to realizing there are boys who breathe and do not sparkle.  Wow this is going to be interesting, because I kind of liked her obsession.   I felt I needed to share that giggle.  But to the point well lovely folks I have one paper left to do and I am in the crunch time for training, eek. So... while I LOVE sharing all the drama in my life like AB and Mr. Bombastic I am seriously stressed out with the daily actions of life.

PS I gave in and bought jeggings I think I should be shot

I Might Miss My Job

One of N's co-workers came in this morning
Me: You're a vision in pink and purple, like...
N-CW: Barney
N: More like Doctor Barbie"
Me: "Actually more like Scrub Barbie.  Doctor Barbie comes with stilettos, a mini skirt and a stethoscope, those you don't have.

Maybe it's not that funny but I'm going to miss some of the girls here - most of those are ones I don't work with directly... *sigh* but truthfully those feelings diminished pretty quickly when the server this morning decided to be a pain in my ass, the heat is being screwy and I'm exhausted and it isn't even 9:30am.

So I met with the other PU and she's well like Margery Kemp and I guess that is always the way it is going to be so I'm just going to have to get down with that.  The things that I thought she would be negative about she wasn't so heck that's a plus.  But the life-like Margery K isn't really working for me - she was enough in literary format.  Oh well, I guess that's life, it could be worse. 

Like... realizing that John Mayer is the head deity in the Man-Child religion - I have been listening to Taylor Swift's Dear John song on endless repeat, why I don't know to be honest, but the lyrics remind me of AB.  Yes we can question if it is about JM but really it is whether she says it is or not.  So know that I've come to that realization I'm not sure how I benefit - does it mean that man children can renounce their beliefs, does it mean that they can convert later in life - because if that is the case how do I screen for that? Oh why John, why do you need to keep seducing the all the cute talented men over to your dark and twisty but oh so cute cult?

Oy Vay

I have one parental relationship right now - I am happy with that relationship.  I know he's lonely (they're getting divorced) but well that's a detour I'm not going to take right now.  I don't have a relationship with my other parent for many reasons, many long and complicated reasons but she is determined to have one with me so tomorrow night on a night I would rather do a million other things I am going to be going out for dinner with her.  To be honest I feel like this whole week is becoming a epic stress test for my not so happy body.  I have dinner tomorrow night, a play the next night that I was desperate to get out of but now due to an art show I went to on Saturday night with my PU, I am forced to go to as there are people who will call me on my no-showing if that happens - boo.  Wednesday is running after another budgeting meeting, Thursday is yoga and holla Friday is get out of town day - when am I going to be sleep, training or getting this damn paper done - that I cannot answer.  Well folks on that note I'm going to try and fall asleep to Sports Talk Radio (bet you didn't see that coming)

Highs and Lows

Good News!

I got into the graduate program I applied for, I am excited and terrified all at the same time.

Bad News!

My chronically defective immune system which I had hoped was on the mend has returned to it's chronically defective self and once again it seems I have a throat/ear infection.  Like dude, immune system get with it, seriously.

I Really Should be Sleeping

But apparently my brain feels like it needs to spit something out into the beautiful world of the interwebs.  I have a discussion with CW on Friday, as I was trying to not keel over from my gluten intake,  it appears she doesn't believe in a real true love.  I know there isn't "the one" and I'm not going to ever argue there is only person for everyone - but I do believe that there are people/relationships that are healthier - ones that actually project forward.  Relationships where the guy despite all his talk actually does something to tell the world that you are theirs. CW is not in that kind of relationship and well we all know that I'm not either, that's for sure.  But you know what, I've seen it, I know it exists.  I know that the ones with backbones and feet over head exist - so I'm going to wait.  Yippee more waiting.  Part of the waiting game that I'm finding frustrating is not that I'm not dating at the moment - I've got enough on my plate.  It is that there is this belief that I will be "lucky" or "successful" once I enter seminary.  Yes folks because there is a large number of single men who are liberal, of a similar heritage and love to run roaming around a tiny seminary. It frustrates me.  But before I frustrate you back to the topic of Mr Bomastic a mutual friend of ours posted this picture on FB.  I think it is priceless, especially given the whole discussion regarding his "it's complicated" status.  Regardless of whatever he does to my GI tract - I'm over it.

29 before 29 Revised

I had a moment this week where I realized that Mr Bombastic might actually factor into the list and well maybe that reason I need to dust it off... See number 10 and no I did not label him in preparation for this list... Ms. J has promised to help me assess the situation.  Anyone else have comments to add to the situation and or the gaps on the list.

1. Apply for Graduate school (write the General GRE and Subject GRE) - I will not dignify this with more than one spot.
2. Dye hair blond and cut short - thinking pixie short but I hate growing it out from that length, it's the devil.
3. Make something with squash blossoms
4. See at least two VIFF films Ms. J and I due to various reasons are only seeing one this year...
5. Run 5 marathons races since I started to get sick running hasn't been super high on the able to do list but this could be an option
6. Get a professional massage, and no not that kind of massage... btwn my acupuncturist and my ball Hatha classes I get massage enough
7. Go to The Diamond, try a new signature drink - ie. not vodka based, and if it is gin based I will hand over my Blackberry for the night.
8. For an equal drinking/class experience go here for my birthday Went for my anti-anniversary celebrations
9. Plant a mini garden and try not to kill it basil died but the oregano and mint still survived
10. Use the word bombastic and/or find someone bombastic and get their number
11. The above will be done at either 7 or Shangra La's bar - which I've been dying to go to... alcohol is a theme here, oops. In my brilliance booked the staff Christmas lunch at the Shangra La's restaurant.
12. Dance somewhere - flash mob would be a safe place... I have a fear of rhythmic movement and rightfully so.
13. Have a body part waxed
14. Get another tattoo (I want a really big one, though I will likely settle for something small again)
15. Make homemade marshmallows for Christmas gifts - you better act surprised y'all.
16. Get a short story published... it's in the works, it is I promise
17. Give a random stranger on the T a bouquet of flowers
8. Learn to drive - my parental unit insisted on this today
19. Learn to read French
20. Take a beginner tap dance or ice skating class
21. Invest in a Jo Malone fragrance - which I might add are PRICEY and hard to come by on this side of the Atlantic
22. Take someone to NYC
23. Go to a US College Football game
24
25
26
27
28
29

Not Right

I marched into the Interfaith Center today an hour before my meeting - I knew doing so would increase my chances of seeing Mr. Bombastic, but I did not to actually see him and secondly I really did not expect the weird emotional response. I had butterflies and the related shyness when we acknowledged each other.  Dude, self, not okay.  I have no desire to know why I had those butterflies.  All I need to know is when they happen the calm, confident adult female I am goes AWOL.  Boo to all of it.  Hopefully next week the feelings will not remain. Why?  Because to be honest I would rather flirt with him, enjoy that banter and leave it at that, he's in an "it's complicated" space and I'm in I want to a relationship and if I can't have that then I will take just the superficial flirting and leave the rest space.

Since it was mentioned...

So I found Mr. Bombastic, finally, I will not divulge how long I spent trying to figure who he was, and of course when I found him, I completely remembered his name... Not important though. He's in one of those "It's Complicated" places according to his FB status (yes he added me - silly fool). So what does that tell me or us.  Well I for one am not a fan of the "It's Complicated" status because it says we are too comfortable/dependent on each other to cut the strings but we want to/need to. I as a whole have mixed feelings regarding FB statuses.  I for one have nothing posted, I think my lack of pictures with a male or a wedding ring or really any of those things says enough, nor do I think it is really anyone's beeswax if I am single.  However, and I stress however, sometimes I understand why it is an option.  I have a friend of mine who I lost contact with in the MySpace to FB transition.  I know she is/was married as a friend of mine used her photographer for her own wedding.  However this individual has no recent pictures of her husband, does not wear a ring and doesn't use her married name apart from her documentation (we are in the same department at school).  She is not the only person who appears to be in a separation/divorce, and well you do not want to assume anything...

Anyways Mr. Bombastic is also Mr. It's Complicated and I have far too many of those in my life, we more specifically AB as a friend has filled that It's Complicated space and I am not seeking any new applicants.  Well it was fun for that little while.

So the song is not relevant but it is a visually beautiful video and the song is not bad either, you know these days anything other than that damn Lady Antebellum song works for me.

The Wonders of FB

Well thanks to FB Mr. Bombastic has a name.  Finally.  And I know that he's not a pre or even just slightly post fetus.  But he is taken.  Such is life.  And now on to begin that paper I've been avoiding.