Random Question

I have a question for you that has nothing to do with men... surprised?

We are in the middle of summer and I am in the middle of training for a marathon.  That being said I am not my once trim vegan self, and while that's good because I'm not focusing my OCD on my body and eating, as well as having a body now with a chronic condition that won't let me do that even if I wanted too... well my question.  What do you think of women who run in a sports bra and shorts that don't have amazing abdominals?  I have been trying to figure out if I can stomach the idea (sorry for the pun), as I'm putting in 10 plus mile runs at a time and in high 70's temperatures I feel well like a sweating machine...

Comment a way.

The Ones You Do and the Ones you Don't...

So I've shuffled RB off to his corner to sit and think about what he's done and while he's there I am waiting (but not with held breath) for the man that my classmate is trying to set me up with for a date.

So we're all on the page, right?  I have officially declared to the universe or whomever that I am ready to try and get back on this mystery horse that we all need to be on to be dating or whathaveyou.  So the last time that I did this, made the declaration I was ready to get over AB, I had to hide from BB and sluff off a number of other I don't even want to bother shaving my legs for that date suitors.  So in the universe's effort not to disappointment me, it has happened again.

The very morning that I send set-up boy a message on FB to say, Hi, don't freak out, I don't know what has been said, but fear not there are no expectations because from what classmate said he seemed to be actively backpeddling from his interest.  Not that I care, if he doesn't want to go on a date because he lives in the same house as RB I get it.  It is probably some subsection of the bro-code or something, thou shalt not date the woman who liked your housemate but was rejected.  I get it, I am in dating terms rejected product.  I know that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me (and I know there isn't beyond you know the normal part about us all being NLLL'd in some way or another).  Anyway so I messaged him and the universe sends me a message from an old high school classmate who wants to get together for coffee.  Yes while not a date by defined standards it is CRAZY random and kind of freaked me out in a dude, you and me don't even have enough compatibility for coffee never mind anything else...

As I have said before you dear universe, while I am ready to date, I am also ready to be picky and I will be picky damn it.  I am old enough to be able to set some guidelines and have some, not a lot, but some expectations.

I had another song posted earlier but I've listening to this one and maybe it's the stress but I've been tearing up - I think some of it is trying to also set X truly free and tell my heart she's ready, despite everything and there will be a greater love out there as truly foreign as that might seem at this time.

Hold Up, You WHAT?

RB and I finally talked today after he got his pep talk from his mentor... oh honey it gets better.  So apparently he's been "sort of" dating someone for the better part of the year and they just broke up and he's moving on to this new girl.... "Sort of," eh?  That's religious boy speak for we hung out, I got what I needed from the relationship but didn't actually commit and therefore didn't have to act like I was in a relationship.

So I call this pseudo dating.  And pseudo dating is one of the hallmarks of man children.  It is their calling card, the theme of their lives, the root verb of their lives (sorry Hebrew metaphor).

Furthermore IT IS NOT OKAY.  It is not okay, you are in or you are out, but you are not half way or more appropriate to say NLLL hatsi*-ing it.

It was the big red flag that to me in that moment made me want to say, I don't care if you pray about this for an eternity, do not bring this up because at that time I will tell you no and likely I will tell you no with a lot of reasons attached to it that might not be so edifying or graceful.

And for y'all this is your hold up, what moment - one of my fellow Hebrew classmates has a man in mind who from her description sounds good, maybe too good, I have my doubts about men.  So she's working at setting us up - which I'm leaving in his hands or theirs depending on how much she harps on it...

The biggest catch - RB and he live in the same house - the house of men that is off limits and one quite frankly I want off limits as I have no desire for some kind of discussion about me between any of these men. Not that I think men gossip the way women do but a slew of them in a house I doubt they are all prim and proper about not "kissing and telling."  But at this moment the Hebrew calls, I will keep everyone informed. I PROMISE.

*Hebrewisms and the like

Random song that came in mind with the announcement of my first roommate's pregnancy - this album was on repeat while we lived together.

A Revelation

In all the kerfuffle that has been this week's events I think I lost sight of the fact that well, I'm different.  Granted not a surprise to those who know me. However for RB and his even younger best friend, I think there is a difference in interpretation of what I actually did in telling RB I liked him.

Lost you?  Well I might lose you further but let me try and explain what my lovely roommate pointed out to me this morning. Her point being I am not a young woman, I am quite frankly very different than the women RB or his best friend would have regular contact with (RB is 26 and his bf 23). They're used to emotionally overwrought young women, and Christian (Evangelical) circles, young women are frankly, crazy.  They are crazy for a million stupid social reasons that Christian thought causes but one of the chief hallmarks is the obsessive. One kind of liking that happens is where they find a man they think fits "their list" and then fill in the rest with their own fantasies.   The young men can do this too and so it makes for a hell of a lot of angst going down.  So as my roommate pointed out what I did was beyond their comprehension.  I declared attraction and in doing so, one asserted myself, and two by doing so in their minds professed a life altering desire to be in a relationship with RB when really I just thought things were getting stupid and I wanted to see if a date would work to clear things on whether we had anything.  A date, not destiny fulfilled is what I was asking for, and it is this disconnect that may have caused all the craziness. 

They think I should be coming unhinged and don't know why I wouldn't be.  Well I'm not, in case anyone is wondering, definitely not. That and apparently I can look really evil when I'm doing my "poker face" (per HSBFF) which probably didn't help this week to deflate the situation.  He thought I was probably out to actually boil his bunny and maybe take out his knee caps too while I was at it.  Fear not all bunnies are safe. 

Let Us Pause for a Moment

I normally post about the downsides to dating and not dating and the majority of the time I sound a little cranky.  Truthfully though?  Sure I'm a little sharp and even at times blunt about all things love, but I do so because it is truly amazing.  When it's good it's good, like world upside down, skip on the rainbows good. But when it's bad, it's bad for all the reasons it should never be.

It's bad because you have the abusers, the cheaters, the man children (scourge of ha-eretz*) and the commitment hesitant.  And it really doesn't need to be this way.  But since I cannot change men.  I cannot will a ring into X's hands or a spine into RB's back and nor do I really want to for either, they've made their decisions.  But that doesn't mean I cannot make my own decisions.  Those decisions?  First and foremost they involve knowing that I'm worth the skipping on rainbows kind of love.  Secondly that to have that will involve living life differently. If I want the crazy heart stopping love then I need to be willing to live with my heart out and vulnerable.  And yes this is crazy and crazy hard too but even if, and it will get mushed, a little bruised and maybe even damaged deeper, it will heal.  I know that because it has healed from deep deep wounds and I have come to realize that if you heal them well your heart becomes stronger in the process, not weaker.  The damage, all those bruises remind me that it hurts for a moment but the good stuff, it lasts.  That and the hurts make awesome drinking conversations.

So on that note whatever is revealed through this RB thing, either about his character, his friends or mine it is all good.  Leaps of love are always done with the net of friends who support me and the knowledge that one of these days I'll hit a rainbow.

And if you need a little musical pick me up - Beyonce's The Best Thing is a perfect place to start.

*the earth - sorry a little Anglo-Hebrew

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/peppermint-wind/5063934086/sizes/z/in/photostream/

Nuclear Fall Out

A few little words do have a devastating effect.  Sure the conversation was between RB and I but if we're being honest, it was really a conversation/declaration to RB's best friend and his best friend's wife and KAB and AE (Artist Extraordinaire).  So all of a sudden in a student body of maybe 75 on campus at one time, even less in the summer, there is a slow ripple effect of people who are either avoiding each other or witnessing the fall out like AE at lunch today.

Really I'm sure AE isn't the only one, not that I think people watch people as much as I do, but seriously we went from talking pretty regularly, sharing tables at lunch and so on, to sitting at polar opposite ends of chapel, taking different staircases (we only have two so there is limited running room) and for what?  When I ran into RB's bf's wife today in the bathroom she froze.  It's like she didn't know what to do, our friendship had hit the skids along with mine with RB.  It's not suppose to be like that.  Sure I want space but I didn't think we were staging the next Cold War in all it's glory, what happened to a little detente?  We cannot keep running from each other - him out of fear of something and me out of a desire not to have a conversation about it. So I'm going to finish my Hebrew, have a good drink of something strong and Gin in nature and text him and we'll see if we can iron this mess out.  If that fails I might just be singing this later...

Well this is a big mess

First of all RB did not listen to instructions, but he's a man so is that really any surprise?  I had asked him not to respond.  I've been on this planet long enough to know there is absolutely no good way to reject someone.  Sure you can do it directly and that's better than lame avoidance BUT there is really nothing to say that will not grate the other person in some way  you had not intended.  So ya, it kind of NLLL me off.  A part of me wants to post it but that's not really fair for him since I hope sure as hope he's being decent and not telling the whole bloody campus. So until the time he does that I will just sum up things - he likes someone else but isn't pursuing it.  His words not mine.  Which is kind of a red flag - I do believe that if a man actually, like really likes a woman and is not just infatuated or weak he'll do something about it.  You don't have to put a ring on it, but leaving her floating around the world is pretty lame in my opinion if you like her.  Two he said he'll pray about this whole thing.  Now quite frankly this alone almost made me want to chuck my phone this morning.  I believe attraction is something that on some level is primal.  Either you do or you don't - granted you can not have considered it, just like I've fought the whole RB process in some way or another until I considered it but DUDE, no amount of praying in this world should be devoted to convincing yourself to like someone.  To stay married to someone when you love them but don't feel that passion fine, go for it, not going to stop you at all but I am not a pity prayer or a spiritual arm twist.  It makes me feel cheap like you're only going to consider me because you think God guilted you into it.  Yes I might be all bitchy-mcbitcherson at the moment about the whole thing, BUT gah.

Just one more man affirming why I'm single and you know what it doesn't make me feel bad about myself it just makes me a little disappointed.

So now that is done, I spent today trying to hide from RB and he seemed pretty determined to find me.  Really I don't want to think about this, I just want to move on.

Not quite what I was looking for but it's a beautiful song and some of it rings true.

I Was Brave/Stupid Today

I was laying in bed last night thinking about how stupid it was that I was going to wait to tell RB that I liked him.  Why did I need to worry about it for a NLLL month when I had bigger fish to fry like Hebrew, and for what?  It's still going to be awkward and at least if I did it sooner, the awkwardness would be over sooner.

So guess what?

I did it this afternoon.  And even better I did it while in the same room and without alcohol.  That sounds like I was amazingly brave, but I was not.  I did it via FB message and I don't think it counts that I did it while sitting 3 cubicles away because I sure as heck ducked out of the library as fast as I could after I hit send.

In case you're curious I did tell him not to respond.  I mean I am operating on the assumption that he's just nice but doesn't actually like-like me and so given that I need absolutely no pithy statement or coddling.   If he likes-likes me and that's a massive IF, then well the ball is in his court. 

HSBFF thinks he should call or do something - quite frankly I've been brave enough for one day I don't need a phone call. 

And yes I know this is a break up song of sorts but lets be frank this is going to be my song for tonight and we're going to be moving upwards from here.

So Maybe I am

A little bit of a prude.  I prefer to call it decorum.  I think there is a range of permissible behaviour when it comes to engaging with people.  I was talking with JS about the girl who drapes herself all over RB.  Yes it annoys me but she's also almost a decade younger than me.   There are lots of things I did differently a decade ago, some of that was being willing to allow for more transgress-able body space.  The problem I found was when you do that your actions and the actions of others are easily confused or misread.  You become a flirt, a flake and your emotions, your feelings are suddenly invalid.  Now I don't agree with this but when I did behave like this the boys I liked were happy to reciprocate with the hugs etcetera however when it came to discussion of actual interest it was often rebuffed with we're just friends sorry you interpreted my gestures as more or how was I suppose to know that's what you meant, you do that with everyone...  It made me realize that being overly free with how I define my friends and those I like can be a double edged sword for me.  So I did end up swinging the opposite way with BI being possibly too rigid, and so in recent years I have been more flexible.  Hugs are fine if hugs are a universal.  In other words, does he hug everyone he knows, then yes hugging is fine.  I was fine with that for OM, AB and X.  Beyond that there is no beyond that.  I know that some are more flexible but as it stands RB and I are in an almost rigid stand-off when it comes to anything, and there could be lots of good reasons for it.  I think one of the top reasons is we haven't put out on the table where the other person stands.  There was a distinct time in the late fall that I was sure he was developing some sort of feeling, that we were going in that direction but I put the breaks on as hard as I could emotionally which I am sure was conveyed physically in some way or another.

Why?  RB is in some bizarre way emotional kryptonite for me.  He's younger and that makes me feel old and vulnerable in some way that I cannot quite put my finger on.  And as much as I know new relationships are hard as hell, especially after being deeply in love with someone else, I know that someone is going to have to be the next one and I just want to know I'm really in a place where I can honour that process.  And at the end of all this all I keep thinking is it starts with a date, and all I really want is just a date to figure out if we really even have what it takes to do the rest.  So while it is terrifying I am warming up to JS's suggestion of as August 10 just texting him a "I like you.  Just putting it out there, not looking for a response, just needed to get that off my brain."  Or maybe FB message.  Whatever, that's where I am at, now back to the Hebrew.  Yes it's back on.

# 56 of the Many Reasons I Have A Blog

I drink.


And when I drink gin I normally want to say things to the boy I like or do things I shouldn't.  I think the Fall of 2009 was a perfect example of the cascade of stupid events that more than one G&T, a hot summer night and a now infamous blue dress can lead to.  So tonight when I purchased a gin based drink RB did come to mind.  Now thankfully he wasn't with us and he and I don't have that kind of texting relationship that can lead to scandalous flirting and thankfully he doesn't follow me on Twitter where I hinted to a secret affection.  No things were safe.  But mostly because I have this outlet.  I can say to you what I have been wishing I could say to RB.

I like you.  I know our relationship is going to be awkward and I'm sure you aren't going to reciprocate.  And you know what?  I am okay with that.  Actually the reason I'm telling you this is I would like to move on.  I would like to be able to stick the final nail in this emotional coffin of sorts, bury it and move the heck on.  So there you go I like you.  And now we move on from that.  Sort of the awesomely horribly kind of drunk FB message I would love to post at this moment but I will not.  No instead I will have a chocolate chip gluten free cookie and fall asleep to 16 Candles or something and let the gin leave my blood stream.

So night all, thanks for listening and staging this gin intervention. *smooches*

Bitten

By the jealousy bug that is.

Now you might think, well that's normal, after all I do like RB.  Well yes and no.  I don't normally find myself jealous in relationships as I highly value trust and find it easy to give, though it is easy to permanently lose.  Also maybe differently I don't find that jealously fuels me to do crazy things but it does fuel my insecurity.  For example RB was talking with a fellow student today - she's younger than him, perky, loud even and her and I were wearing almost identical outfits.  She elicits a completely different response from him and than I do, the kind that makes me go how am I different?  What does she have that let's him feel comfortable about throwing an arm around her or being so boisterous with her when he and I sure don't laugh like that and he has never touched me.  Now granted the context around RB and my relationship is a little different but it makes that little voice in my head question well maybe I am too old, too much like a mother, not pretty enough, not skinny enough and so on and so forth.  I would rather not like him than like him at this moment.

Is Younger Okay?

I feel like the universe is getting its jollies this weekend in my name.  First I actually admitted to liking RB, like in public, to people who know RB.  I have fought this whole thing subconsciously for too long and now well it's real.  As real as it's going to be, for whatever that counts. Further yet as I was getting a ride to the train from family dinner night, HB (Hockey Brother - unofficially adopted younger brother who lives with my PU) started going on about how he has decided he wants to date older women.  So we had a brief conversation why dating younger is hard at this age, primarily because I don't need some false moment of feeling young by dating a man who is young enough to be my son, that isn't even legally possible at my age, but you know what I mean.  Regardless it was a weird moment of having a conversation with a man RB's exact age and hearing him say he would date older.  Not necessarily a thumbs up from the universe but it is what it is.  Beyond that I don't think there is anything I can do about RB.  The usual things don't apply.  I tried food items, I've tried the let's spend time together in an unofficial capacity.  Short of blatant and thus not so smooth flirting all I have left is wait or full on take initiative.

Wait it is.

And it dawns on me...

I have been having a Mr Darcy moment.  Not me as Elizabeth but me as Darcy.  If you're wondering what I am exactly referencing, consider this.  Yes RB is younger than me and I might have been rather blunt about this around him.  But maybe because I just do not know what to do in general.  After X it has taken a lot for me to psyche myself up for another relationship, for the up and down and the possibility of rejection.  Rejection is after all always a possibility.  So considering at this point to date someone 4 years younger who likely is not on a family/baby track, not that I can practically be spawning any time soon has made me waiver in my affections.  Beyond that it's hard enough to find someone who isn't a man child so fishing in a pond where being a man child is a fair moment in life it just seems foolish.  So here I am.  Aware that in many ways I'm slipping more and more daily into growing affections and at the same time being more and more hastened to pull away.  Because that makes so much sense.

Photo: http://themostbeautifulthing.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/kiss-sailor-nurse.jpg

Cracking

I was cracking earlier this week but that's a discussion for another time and place.  Right now there is a portion of my brain considering the following question:

At what time does your expression of interest in someone meet a point of being blatantly obvious, maybe even embarrassingly so to everyone else but is not addressed by the object of the interest?

I ask because KAB (Kick A** Ballerina -you know who, that's your new name unless you have a suggestion) pointed out during lunch a few days ago a fellow male classmate who has a propensity to fling himself with wild excessive abandon at almost any pretty woman.  It's embarrassing for everyone, not just him, it's like a train wreck in all it's glory, where you know you shouldn't stare but you cannot help yourself.  So I know I'm not him, but where am I at?  HSBFF asked today while we were making dinner would I date RB.  I don't know if we have anything - quite frankly I don't even think I'm his type, but I would like the opportunity to see.  Does that make sense.  I mean I'm a firm believer that a date is not a relationship and dates are good things, they help push you both awkwardly into a space where you decide if it clicks or its at least worthy of another go at awkwardness.  The thing is I don't know if there is anything I can do short of doing the asking myself that isn't going to declare my intentions to the whole of my graduate school because he sure hasn't picked up on any of my classic techniques.  I don't know, so here I am wondering what to do right now I feel like the only choice I have is to let it die... maybe that's where my heart is right now.  It's easier to let it go then to push the point.

I went down the rabbit hole of Youtube and found this, he maybe young but the boy has skill.

For a later date

I am posting this primarily because my new faith/school and whatever else blog has yet to be set up by Ms. J and I don't really have time to deal with that process either.

But I think I've figured out why there are so many single women in my school.  The single ones are normally good or awesome friends with all their married and single friends respectively.  Being close friends is one way to start a relationship - that's how AB and X started, but both of those relationships individually tipped over the friend edge - AB when he was sick - we held hands on the couch - his sweaty sick hand and well it was downhill I guess from there.  And X well it happened BBM'ing Christmas Eve '10, we had the you spend a lot of time talking to me talk - the one where we agreed we both liked spending that amount of time talking.  But now?  Now there really isn't the incentive to ask the big, "do you want to ___" question and there is just too much time sitting firmly on the edge of friendship/dating.  The other challenge, is as RB (Runner Boy is going to have to be his name) said, possibly coyly on Thursday as we road the bus, some men like a strong willed woman.  Yes some do?  Someone like you is what I should have asked but given that we were talking about his grandfather on the verge of dying and all sorts of other topics, being so hey I think you're cute (but you're young and I feel creeped out dating younger), want to try the whole date thing out? *Facepalm* That's where I am at.  One big *facepalm* or *head desk* that relates to school too but mostly this situation.

I have been letting things be because as Kelly Clarkson says, just because I'm alone, doesn't mean I'm lonely and that is true, and I also want things to happen naturally and quite frankly I suck at flirting when I second guess myself - and I am second guessing myself with him because I don't think I'm what he wants and yet on paper he's good, and yes he's cute, just not sure if we have more than friends chemistry.  Good lord.  Well now that all that nonsense is out of my brain on to the Hebrew.