In My Very Finite Wisdom

... there was a moment of lapse or collapse or something of that nature, because at this very moment I am sharing a table in the library with the Douche.

*sigh* or *head desk* I'm not sure which one applies at the moment.

He's out of my system, sure I would love to know what is under that crusty and often frustrating personality, but to be honest the desire to know that is rivalled with my desire to smack him upside the head with the text book in front of him at the moment. And while most days I'm not all that ladylike, I would like to believe I am lady enough at this moment that I will not do that.

So there we have it, we know where things are with le douche and now RB is dating someone and according to FB, BI is un-engaged. The world doesn't make sense. Well it sort of does but not really in regards to the last two mentioned.

I am sure that my single-ness is not a horrible thing at this moment. Not that I really considered it a horrible thing ever, but I can say for sure at this moment, while I might have a desire for human contact and all that comes with relationships I am also equally comfortable where I am.

*Postscript* I was hit on by two separate men tonight, one was older and hot but so not appropriate and the second was younger and drunk. The universe apparently has a really warped sense of humor. But I realized in all that, that religious men have the pick up skills equivalent to the drunk dude, who was seriously plastered... *sigh* staying classy home town I see.

I Want You To Know

I try to reassure myself of this on a fairly daily basis, if not multiple times in a day and I want to remind you of how awesome, gorgeous, funny, sweet and smart you are for who you are - yes you. Sure I might be talking to the woman behind you but I am also and more importantly talking to you.

Clarity

My first weekend class was this past weekend. I opted to be the "brave" one and fling myself out for my prof to counsel and analyse in front of the class. I do not regret it, well maybe a little. I think I regret being a person for whom getting verklempt is an easy and often undesirable reaction. So yes I got teary and it got worse once RB, on my request gave me feedback, given that he was one of two people in the class who knew me best, likely the one who does know me best. He teared up, and the NLLL'ing waterworks came. When it was all said and done and he and I hugged, and I realized that while I would and can say that I love him, he's really a dear friend, he's also an entirely lame potential boyfriend given previous experience and where he is in life. Oddly though in all that I realized the things I love in him, who he is, are rare (ish) things. They are the core qualities that made me fall in love with AB. It's a tenderness with a joyful carelessness that somehow runs deep even if either of them weren't entirely sure how to navigate life. The Douche doesn't have that - tender and him do not go in the same sentence, maybe they could, but I think I am realizing, that I'm a tough enough nut on the exterior and broken enough on the inside that I don't think it's healthy for me to be off trying to open someone else up. Sure he may now even *gasp* publicly acknowledge me, and if he ever asked me out I MIGHT say yes (what the hell right?) I know that he's not it, quite frankly I cannot say I think anyone in my life is it right now. And while that's lonely in many respects, in others, well in other respects, I wonder if I find the pickiness freeing in a way. I know I'm messy - good gracious I am messy and I actually need a lot from my relationships, as much as it pains me to even consider that, never mind articulate that.  I'm working on me and I know, man or no man, that there is something freeing in loving the good men in your life for who they are, where they are and knowing that that's all they need from you and that's all you can give them.

Photo:http://inside-out-22.blogspot.ca/2012/09/crying-with-my-mom.html

Online Dating, I hate you.

I have opted to try out EH, and after it took 45 minutes of my life I will never get back filling out its survey, I seriously wondered if all the laughing at its stupidity would outweight the annoyance of it all.

For a moment it did.

Then I received my matches and realized that I filled out my application as my narcassistic personality or maybe I am crazily concerned about getting ahead, being obsessed about work and my body... because that's who I was matched with. I seriously considered re-filling it all out in the hopes I would find someone who is not going to be horrified when they find out I am a student basically living below the poverty line. But I decided to just ignore it - bad idea. I didn't check in for 3 days because I didn't want to deal with the stupid decision I had made, but I figured last night I should check, as my roommate who had also signed up was getting the same matches and we wanted to compare. I had 55 matches... and had a minor panic attack. So we laughed our way through them and in all those found 1 possible match.  I have come to the realization I'm picky, really picky on a superficial level.

Here were some of the deal breakers.

Poor basic spelling/grammar. Look I know that my grammar is horrible, BUT I am familiar with spell check and understand the value of capitalization. I am not a fan of the lower case i or spelling words like can't as cant. Cant is not a word, can't is a contraction and cannot is the full version.

Listing in the 5 things you could not live without all of the following, even worse if it's a combination:
TV
Laptop/computer
iPhone/Blackberry
Gym
Work/Career

I'm sorry, but you can live without those, and while I give you kuddos for being honest. How about friends, family even Fido...

EH also has questions that you can be asked which I hate with a passion - they're either complex questions that I am sure have some purpose but I ridiculously complex, like do you support abortion. They give you 140 characters to answer - there isn't space for yes as I support choice and no as I wouldn't chose that myself under normal circumstances. Or do you believe in hell. Well first theologically there is no support for a flaming Dante-esque, so what does hell look like? And then where are we coming from - predestination, double predestination etc. in other words I'm not going to give you a simple answer...

Or they have questions like do blue and yellow make green. REALLY?? Well I know who not to ask to make the icing green when we only have blue and yellow in the house...

I will keep ya'll updated - so far it's just an animator - but it's a slim hope since some of his questions to complex questions had simple answers opposite to my choice. So I'm not holding my breath.

Frankly all this makes me miss X more but alas that feeling needs to go somewhere else quickly.

If last night was any indication

2013 is going to involve a lot of profanity and drinking. And if this morning is any indication of how my life is going to go in the in between times I am going to need the profanity and the drinking.

Last night I decided to humorously tour a certain dating site I normally cuss at when its syrupy ads come on the tele. I laughed my way through the whole thing and then cringed. All the men who I was suggested with are not what I want. I might try filling it out all over again. But I cannot say I'm sure I want to date again. Sure I would love to have someone and at the same time I feel like the stress of trying to make something work at this point in my life is a greater hassle than all the warm feelings of another's hand in mine.

And oddly enough I get to say that with some bittersweet clarity or determination or stupidity. Your pick, because today I received a message from a friend of Ms. J's. I know him and we've hung out but I wouldn't say we're close friends. He came over with Ms. J for dinner on Saturday night. And maybe it was my (actually not mine but this recipe with some secret changes) pork tacos or my general awesomeness (not really) but when he left I had this gut feeling I had actually be awesome, like flirty, I'm so awesome love me, awesome. But I ignored it, the feeling that is. I really didn't think anything would come of it because said boy is just as, if not more so, wilderness and transient than MW. Apparently not. He called me this afternoon, waking me from my nap wondering if I had been on FB today. No, because sleep was and normally is my priority. He asked me to check it and get back to him. My stomach dropped and my cheeks flushed.

I ran myself a bath. I don't much like baths, but I find that they are good place for deeper yet more direct mental dwelling. After all I have to get out of it with an answer before it gets cold. I didn't and I still don't really know what my answer is. The truth in my heart is I know that while he is loyal, he is like a river, he's always going to be on the move and really more comfortable with that kind of life and a remote version of that life too. It's not the degree of stability I want, the life I want or the relationship I want or even see myself having. And yet as I said to Ms. J am I too old to be getting picky when I know he's kind, gentle, loyal and has a good income. Is that all I need? Is that I get?

Oh dear 2013, I don't know if we can be friends.

I Need This and Maybe You Do Too!

I attend school were the language that goes on in my brain must never leaves my mouth. Which is a good thing, a very good thing. Well because for one I do approve of self censorship there is after all always a time and place for everything. But that being said, I do appreciate a well placed profane word. I think sometimes there is really no educated way of explaining the behavior of others. Sure yes there are plenty of lovely educated sounding words like misogynist. But these days it seems like that M-word is the same as the A-H word for some. So why bother with using brain cells I need to conserve...

Related to the above and below, I absolutely love that she did this while wearing pearls. Her and I are truly kindred souls. I post and she writes songs.

Dating, shmating...

I have decided that I have zero sound judgment left when it comes to dating, hell I've been considering asking out the Douche. To even consider is evidence enough that while I'm not in the active dating circuit (as evidenced by my lack of dates), I best not enter it any time soon.

That being said, I am aware that I have lost my sound judgment, I also feel like this is where I will have to start when I restart the looking process.

I am also tempted to say that I might consider another dating site in the future, a paid one this time in the hopes of ensuring that as I agree with Ms. Amy that I do not end up the dregs in the pool again.  So there you have it, in the season of mistletoe and booze, I'm pulling myself out of the line-up.

How Do I Explain Last Night's Non-Date?

I have been trying to think of a way to describe what last night was like and all I can come up with is AWKWARD.

I arrived on time, although he arrived before me, I hate it when someone is left waiting for me. He was reading a Star Wars novel, and all I could think of is he's a real human and he likes science fiction. Yay, two big pluses to add to his use of the reply "sweet" in his FB message. And then it when downhill from there - including a very long trip to the loo for him. I felt like I was peppering him with questions, most of which he did not volley back, so there was the delayed awkward dead silence, where I was considering offering unsolicited personal information or moving on to the next question or just stand their twiddling my thumbs. In most cases I opted for the next question and so it continued for about 20 minutes. I even apologized for in my words peppering him with questions, that my intention was not to interrogate him and he could just tell me to stop. He apologized, and then responded that he's not a good conversationalist, although he wants to be a professor. So how does that work I asked? You don't like conversations but you want to be in a job where conversation is a major component. Apparently he likes conversations when he knows the direction of the conversation and is in control.

So take control then, damn it.

 When the lights went down,he fidgeted through most the first act of the play to the point where I wondered if he was in pain, popping up almost instantaneously when the first act was finished. Although he did attempt to redeem the situation by offering to get me a tea. I declined. He returned with peanuts to share. Aww, for attempt, boo for the fact they were covered in an unknown substance, but I opted for a few any ways. He was better in the second act, less fidgety, though. In the end we left together, talked a little as I tried to explain how our city is laid out (he's not from around here) and parted ways when he finally seemed normal. Maybe that was why he was finally normal, he was ditching me at my bus stop as he ran for his.

Overall I can say I'm a little disappointed. I know it wasn't a date, and I'm not disappointed that he didn't change his mind half way through, to be honest I would have been seriously annoyed if he did. But I was disappointed that we had such a major disconnect moment to the point where I left feeling seriously self conscious about how my personality comes across. I stayed away from any thing controversial, was polite and perky, but not like cheerleader perky. I feel like if a dry run, dress rehearsal of date goes like that, then I have no chance in hell of actually having a remotely comfortable date with someone else in the future. Or maybe it was as KAB texted while he was in the bathroom, that it was him being awkward and not me. One big plus, I realized that while he probably is kicking my behind GPA wise, I've been working and carrying a heavier course load. Doesn't make me look smarter, since I am working a lot harder but it does oddly make me feel better.

Musical Moment

AB's status updates have been on FB a lot these days and it feels weird. I am definitely not in love with him, it just reminds of where we were 3 years ago at this time. And at that time, I happened to be listening to this song a lot.  I have been listening to it a lot in recent weeks and much to the annoyance of my roommate been singing to it, loudly.  I love it, even though it makes me a little sad.  And just to clarify, AB never did anything illegal - I just fell in love with a man who for me, it was entirely irrational to love, he walked away and it broke my heart.

I Blame the Mulled Wine

I have a non-date date with Mr. Brilliant (that's what I am going to call him) thought I am sure, Mr. Bombastic would have been an appropriate name although that one was taken a while ago.  He offered a ticket on his FB wall and I starred at it for what seemed like an eternity, I'm sure FB will say that eternity was a minute or even less 45 seconds.  And then I said yes, please take me.  Followed by panic, or maybe that anxiety was from the fact that I had a whole day to work on this bloody paper and I spent it resting.  So yes, thanks to some amazing mulled wine (which had minimal alcohol content) I have a non-date date on Thursday night. To add to that, he and I have yet to have any kind of actual conversation to date and my body having its usual anxiety facial eczema attack - this isn't going to be one bit of an awkward evening, not one bit.

Just a little fun song - don't read too much into it

Save Me From Myself

I am seriously considering asking the Douche out.  Pourquoi mon ami?  Well basically he's 99% likely to reject me and that's good odds for just getting back in the game.  See right now I think I just need to ask someone and he's a safe someone.  I know that while he's bitter and rude he's not likely to make a scene and further more he's not a friend like RB so I don't have to worry about how things are going to turn out.  Only problem is I do need to wait until the semester is over and that means I might have to utilize email, which while a media through which sassy messages can be sent, it also can be forwarded and just seem weird.  Any way that's where my brain is out at the moment and that scares me, especially given I have not consumed any alcohol.

Dating Pseudo-Stockholm Syndrome?

I am beginning to wondering if some magical combination of hormones, book dust and cold weather is the reason that the douche is beginning to look somewhat attractive.  I think that this belief is primarily because I am losing my sh*t at the this moment, demonstrated by the fact that someone I dubbed grumpy Eeyore (yes immature, so what) is some one I vague interests in.

This though all to say, that I really for one do not think he or I are even on the same planet as many things, so even if there is some sanity to the feeling (which I doubt), nothing will come of it.  Quite frankly there are days where I wonder if I am on the same planet as any man who ascribes to the same faith, even in the broader ecumenical sphere.  Yes I have three papers to write and I know I cannot solve this issue in one post or a million posts for that matter, it's just a question that keeps revolving around - will I ever date again, never mind get married.  And if so, will it be healthy?

It is clear from my previous dating history that I can do things right and I can do things WRONG, so I have some faith that one day I can actually figure out the pieces for a relationship that is RIGHT, however right now, I feel like that's is not the point where I am at in life, that graduate school for me borders on insanity too often to think that what I can offer another human is going to be healthy or even a representation of normal me - or maybe that's just the doubts speaking.

As for this moment, I can tell you this, things with RB are back to friend status and a-okay. Belgian Boy is sweet but he's not the one, even though he's a serious catch ladies, and as for the set up that didn't set, he's lame and that's okay because that's his issue and not mine, though I will make it mine if he keeps smugly walking past me in the library.  Dude, you bailed, I took the high road (publicly) thus far so be careful, don't think I'm down with the way you think things are.  And lastly though he's a new addition he's not really going to stick around in these conversation circles to be discussed at any length and so will remain nameless.  I had seen said man around campus, but didn't think anything of it, while in Sbucks (next to our building) he starts talking to me (now I feel like I should have a sign that says do not talk to the human unless she has caffeine in hand), but the conversation went well, we walked to our building and inside the doors, he bolts for the bathroom.   Now dear men, please for the love of all things sparkly and pink, figure out how to gracefully leave a conversation. I wasn't expecting a date offer, I wasn't expecting anything, especially not being unceremoniously dropped mid sentence. To add to the hilarity, KAB and AE and I all didn't know his name (I could tell you what he ordered, skinny peppermint mocha, really?), eventually thanks to the wonders of FB I figured it out. Anyways, needless to say even preliminary discourse and pseudo-dating both are not going amazing.

All this means Religious Grad school = Death to Dating Life

Questions You Don't Want My Opinion About...But

Our student newspaper published an article about dating and for the most part it was accurate in that it addressed a few of the issues facing the students, especially the female students, such as the small environment makes everything a fish bowl, second religious men are not skilled at just asking a girl out and conversely religious women often don't know where they stand in all this business, so here is my response - though I doubt I'll go so far as to actually publish it.  Now where to start.

I have blogged about dating for the last 3 or so years of my life and I've come to this very unscientific conclusion that we, Christians, do not know how to date.  We think we know how to date, but that "dating" more often is just a manifestation of having to do something about the seemingly exclusive behaviour of two individuals of the opposite sex.  We like to fall into relationships often without sexual chemistry, getting to know the person and or even an awareness of relationship compatibility.  A friendship and a relationship are not the same thing.  Another thing that is not the same, dating and relationships. They are not synonymous although dating usually leads into a relationship. On the topic of dating, a date is a time where two people agree to spend time together with the understanding of wanting to get to know each other.  And quite frankly I think we're all terrified to just date as if dating several people would leave others to believe we're scandalous in some degree or another.  While I am aware most of us have been raised on the belief we should date for marriage, which I agree with in that you shouldn't be wasting your time or theirs if you wouldn't get married.  But this does not mean you should sit on your hands waiting for your ideal to walk by and then give dating one shot, hoping it sticks this one and only time.  And yes this does work for some, but for the vast majority of us, it has not and will not.  As such we need to change our idea of what dating is.

Which leads me to my first issue with dating and relationships:

Definitions.  In our fear of dating we have come to fear calling actions what they are.

A date is only a date when it is called a date.  That being said a date is just a date, it is not an agreement for a second date, a relationship, an engagement or marriage.  It is just a date.

"Hanging out" is not a date.  A time where we hang out and I have to buy my own coffee, dinner and movie ticket while it looks like a date is not a date, especially not when you offer me a limp side hug at the end.*

Dating is a series of dates, a relationship is when that series of dates leads to a discussion of exclusivity. A relationship is not an engagement until there is a ring, yes ladies, he may be perfect but you cannot start planning that wedding until he actually asks you.

Yes or No, no Maybe, despite what Carly Rae Jepsen says:

This applies to all stages of definition.  If you say yes to a date then follow through, do not suggest maybe we can go get coffee sometime if I see you on campus again, because in reality that's just a no and we both know it.  If you say no there should be no drama, from both parties, and I say this to women especially.  Move on, vent to a friend, go have a drink of milk or vodka or both together with a little Kahlua in there too, but leave it off Twitter and FB.

Definitions are great when they apply to your actions but lousy when you think they apply to your future spouse.  Your spouse is not a walking check list.  The fastest way to break yourself of this is to date.  My early 20's self thought I knew exactly what I wanted and needed and I can say from the last few years of intentionally dating I quickly learned what I actually wanted and what I find as insufferable.   Lastly on this topic, men, especially the ones who are in family mode, you are looking for a life partner, not an incubator for your future children.  There is a difference and your actions will give you away quickly if she's really nothing more than piece in your puzzle. 

Lastly not all failed dates and relationships are tragic, some have gone on to become amazing friends. We were able to realize that while we didn't have the chemistry for a relationship, we had a lot in common and that would have not been known without the date.

*Yes it happened and it's worse than this

I would also love to just publish this one but given the wonders of Google, I would lose my secret identity... and that's not okay.

Apologies

First, I want to apologize for being slow and sporadic at posting - for these past few weekends I blame my marathon (yes I did actually run the Portland Marathon this past weekend) and my usual nemesis grad school.

Second, I am likely to be sporadic with the posting in the future because within the next month I hope to have my new blog up and running.  I will be very different in content from here so fear not there will be continued life/dating updates that I would like to work through in this less public venue.  And yes once it is up and running you will all know about it.

Third, KAB has suggested we keep Mr Supersmart on the list of potentials and not her list but mine... I've decided that the maybe list can have some occupants - how they get on to the yes list, well that's a little more complicated and I don't know if I have the mental space for that right now.

Fourth, I am returning to the town where CEF used to live, where all the drama when down over 4 years ago.  WTFOMG I am sure is one of the questions/exclamations going off in your head right now.  Well for one he lives on the opposite of the country now - so I have a few states of buffer, and two I think the time has come that I close the parts of that journey and open myself up again.  I don't foresee myself getting married any time soon, as it would require a willing man, I do know that there are questions in the back of my brain about getting that close to the isle and then going the complete opposite, is it a journey I can do now even healthy.  I need to know that I am a different person, because there are definitely days where regardless of the years of having my head examined and sitting with the messes and the pain, I still wonder if I am the same completely broken woman who is going to make the same mistake.  I know conceptually I am not, I know X was a good relationship/is a good man, but I still think I need to own the whole CEF things to the degree I can.  Don't worry I'm not going to go crazy and hunt him down to apologize - to be honest I am breathing a massive sigh of relief that the school email I used to have will be closed down this month - no more contact loose ends.

Fifth, I ran the marathon with my family (PU and Sibling) and not that that matters - crossed the line and this guy who we basically ran with the whole marathon congratulated me - he was so cute and being that I was low on necessary brain sugar for flirting, just smiled and said thanks.  Damn it brain, you'd think there would be a special reserve for essential life functions.  So being random I checked out CL for a missed connection.  Who knows maybe we did have enough of a connection and I can't remember it.

Well we didn't but this guy did and I wanted to post it purely for the line I bolded below:

"I know this is a long shot- with 6000+ runners, but I thought I would take a shot anyhow!

You- brown hair, green tan tank top, sunglasses and black skirt, probably around 30ish? You passed me going up the hill to the bridge. You made miles 17-24 much easier because of the amazing view I had running behind you ; ) How do you look gorgeous while running a marathon. I wish I had looked at your bib to get your name. Lost you at mile 25ish as leg cramps came rolling in for me. Guessing on your pace you were under a 3:45??? Damn girl.
Me- 6'2, gray shirt and black shorts, short hair, and unfortunately, disgustingly sweaty while dreaming of the girl running in front of me. Last mile hopping and skipping like an idiot, glad had left me in the dust so I didn't have to act suave as my calfs seized up. Oh well- I finished under four hours- so can't complain too much.

You kicked ass (mine included). I would love to run with you sometime (or even just behind you again) and then get some drinks : ) Hope to hear from you."


Sure there are some ass comments, but I completely get that considering there isn't much else to look at - calves, backs and asses are about it - but that aside - I must confess I like a man who is okay with acknowledging he's been beaten and being humorous about it.


So that's about it.

Fascinating...

Maybe I have been spending too much time in the books, specifically my counselling literature but I have found myself being relational perplexed by two men on campus.  One I could say borderline attracted to but mostly out of fascination and respect and the other well primarily because there is still a perverse teenager in my brain who thinks toying with the grumpy evil cousin of Eeyore (aka the Douche) could be fun. 

So the first candidate, I think for the record would be far better suited for KAB's mental capacities, since her's definitely exceeds mine - he's too smart.  The more I see below the douchey-ness that comes off when one is as smart as he I am intrigued.  But at the end of the day he is a man far far beyond my intellectual strengths and while I doubt he would be an a-hole about it like some others of his intellectual ability.  I have come to the realization that while I want a man to challenge me, I need to know the limitations to that challenge.  So again KAB, he might be a good fit for but me, nope that's a gulf to wide to leap.

As for the Douche - I have said it before and I will say it again, he fascinates me but in that horrible perverse, he's a puzzle and I want to know what makes him tick.  This is not a foundation to even the most dysfunctional relationship.  And fear not since you're likely wondering why he's been mentioned so much, his sour demeanour never mind his oft questionable fashion choices mean he's definitely not a candidate.

Beyond that dating has gone all sorts of sour and I think despite in many ways not being okay with the idea, I am okay with where I am right now and that is good enough.