Reassurance

Advice from a Single Girl posted that she is currently having a little bump in the I'm fierce, fabulous and free but wouldn't mind being taken road. Honey, that road for me is like an North or Midwest highway after winter. Courtesy of FB I should note that in addition to the bumps there are also ego er car swallowing potholes. OM is now officially dating someone. And while it shouldn't bug me that our resident closet case has found the closest thing to man give or take a few organs it is still frustrating. First is the nagging comparisons, next to this woman I look like a woman who breathes and sh*ts pink, laces and books on etiquette. Why would I even be attractive if you seem to like them flat, rectangular and on board with going days in the woods without bathing... Oh egos you are annoying things.

So yes please join my I'm fabulous, feminine and can cook myself out of any conundrum that could ever occur pity party, because what the hell. I am cough *late twenties* cough and I can only seem to get shit for offers. You are probably saying, but S&P you are over dramatic. Am I?

Exhibit 1. Murder Mystery - my faux love interest couldn't even flirt with me - he's a sweet guy I've known for years - but he couldn't even fake it for the course of an evening - way to make a girl feel like she's completely deficient.

Exhibit 2. Bus on Tuesday with my Saloon Girl costume and large black feather boa. Nice regular asks what's with the boa after sitting and staring at it for most of the 20 minute ride. I responded the get up was for a murder mystery. The response Oh, nice... silence... averted eye contact. Like what did you want to hear buddy? The boa is part of my strip tease act? Or that I randomly walk around with a black boa because I think that's cool, fashionable, not weird. I know I should be more gracious, but I will not offer more grace to a man who when he has the upper hand in the socially awkward department does not take it.

Anyways yes I know I have said that I have no room for a relationship and that is true, but it's still frustrating for me when I see fabulous women around me getting left behind while others who aren't so fabulous in my eyes get caught.

So pity party aside - to all the lovely, smart, talented, break the mold and won't take your baggage kinds of women I offer this:



I know it's no womyn power, hear me roar song, it's my it's going to be okay song...
Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/pinetree4com/2723689315/

PS. OM's gf is a nice person don't get me wrong, I wish her loads of luck with the cold fish, my annoyance is at him and her FB glee.

 

Goals for the Week

Now that the weekend is wrapping up and I'm trying to unwind - I have the following goals for myself.

1. Walk for 30 minutes every day - I figure if I can start there that it is do able, it's not high intensity and it's somewhere to start - and if I really just cannot do it, then I need to have a shower to help the soreness, take an Advil if needed and then do some yoga.

2. Keep a calmer pace - so if that means getting up 15 minutes earlier, and conversely going to bed earlier then so be - but make baby steps to reducing as much stress as possible.

3. Learn to leave lists at two things :)

That's it folks just two goals for this week - my Type A self will just have to shelve it's neuroses.

I know this song might not be of interest to many of you but I know I will have this on more these days - there is something soothing about their music.

So as to that list...

Right now we are going to have to see about that list.  See things are what they are - I am fatigued, itchy, etc.  So this weekend other than my agreed upon party - I am going to be removing the small rug we have in the kitchen/living room as well as opening up the window and trying to clean/air out things more than they normally are.

Aside from that I'm trying to ditch the soy and reduce red meat, basically take on a Ayurveda diet for Vatta-Pitta.  Now I know that it sounds off, but it is at it's root a simple whole foods diet that suggests preparation of certain foods - i.e. for me warm cooked foods are better, and I know that, I know I feel a million times better after a warm kind of mushy meal than a salad despite what's it in the salad. I'm ditching the soy because it's an allergen - not for me so far but it can be.  Apparently I should also consider removing gluten and yeast as those two are known to cause problems for IBS and chronic hive people like me.  Fun times around here - feeling like an 80 year old woman.

Human Pincushion

I saw the allergist this morning in the hopes of finding the cause of my random hive attacks, of course I even failed the positive test. So he shipped me off downstairs for 10 vials of blood to be drawn for tests ranging from hepatitis, thyroid, glucose, proteins, etc.  Basically they're testing me from the simple (allergy test) to the complex autoimmune diseases.   So while I go try and nap away the thought of having both arms used to withdraw blood, listen to this lovely song.

I think the lyrics are genius:

Arg...

No I didn't confuse the Wild West theme with a Pirate theme, rather I just spent 20 minutes looking at pictures of East Coast schools on FB from people studying over there.  Each step of the way I feel like I'm never going to make progress on any section of the GRE except the math section which I've found out is tiny.  BS! BS! GRE peeps it needs to be HUGE.  Ask me hundreds of questions on the area of a triangle, power rules, BEDMAS and the radius of a circle. We all know me and pi are best buds, me and obtuse vocabulary it seems are as at odds as most teen girls are with everyone, except Justin Bieber* these days.

But I did register for one class today - we've decided here by grand consensus one class is the best bet for my success... Shakespeare, awesome! Seriously it is.  So tootles ya'll until I flash you with a little fishnet and garter thigh.**

*Don't ask because you don't want to know and I won't tell
** Going to the allergist tomorrow so I doubt I'll be posting for a while.

Slinging the Sasparilla

Going to a mystery of murder

this Saturday night as saloon girl

Fishnets, garters, boots, feathers and ruffles

cleavage too and a drink no?

bringing ribs and possibly gin bottle

Gin makes the world spin counterclockwise

and my clothes fall off too

but there isn't a lot to lose

they'll be rented, deposit to receive

so I should be good, no AB

So time to Rockette it out

put sass into Sally Saloon girl

and get away with murder or

maybe be the victim? we'll see

As an aside the 6 word a line thing is hard, I'm enjoying its pain on my brain but I appreciate you likely hate it, so fear not, sentences will return.

Photo: http://www.thedrawingclub.com/blog/?p=279

I need more hours in today
I wish I had more yesterday
Or last night to dream dreams

But alas time is short, no?

On with Monday, today, now.
Tired, stressed and all that jazz *jazz hands*
Listening to Serena sing about love

Want to hear the Bangles sing
I might just do that soon

However, oh how ever will be
Congratulations are in order US eh
You have joined the "communist" world
May you see beauty in universalcare

For those with hate tinged lips
I plead for peace and discourse
For those who claim their beliefs

He believed peace and not slander
justice, equality, mercy and grace changed
So use not as weapons but
as tools to unite, to uncover

Sing, hug and remove the hatred

Back to work, work I go
Then run, falafel dinner and Math
Yay it is math monday weeeee!

Awesome doesn't describe it...

Watched semi's in the front row

Waved a flag hollered until horse

Cheered with MsJ, PU and AL

AB became a new person today

I know it's just a phase

Introduced MsJ to V for Vendetta

Tonight partied to the end with MsJ

Sang swayed snapped clapped and cheered

I believe Serena is plain awesome

With those 6 words I say

Check out this lovely talented lady

Okay, Now Then

So things are different around here - I am still in the process of making things more accessible. But in the meanwhile we're going to transition to fluctuating format of more pictures, quotes and random bits of my newer life journey thing I've thrown myself into.

You must also forgive me as I am trying to figure out how to use Apple software in addition to this all - I'm begining to think I am going to take the camera to work as the photos did not transfer properly. Ms J the apple lover could you explain why my photos transfer as teeny tiny?

On a happy note as I go off to sniffle my way into bed and hopefully a deep sleep - some music:



PS I have an AB update of sorts - but as for the moment we'll see if he accepts the last curling ticket for the semi-final game on Saturday.

This Is Going to Have to Do

Sorry folks - it's all set, I'm not going to change the layout for a while.

Yes it's Ugly

Sorry folks I've spent the last three hours trying to get something that worked - still working - so it's bare and ugly for now.

Changes

This whole blog and everything is going to be changing, soon hopefully, especially as I can't really keep up with the writing, but I want to be regular. So stay tuned. Possible changes include more pictures about my life and less text... don't know how I'll stay anonymous to the great wide world like that but we'll see.

Tootles for now, work awaits.

Moving Forward

I am slowly putting one foot in front of the other - literally and figuratively.

I pick courses this week - trying to decide if I trust RateMyProfessor more than I trust my barista.
I start training - very slowly.
I start studying for the GRE Lit exam this week - in theory trying to figure out a schedule - like Mondays - Math, Tuesday - Vocabulary, Wednesday - Verbal etc.
I start making a list of who to humble myself before - I have one TA in mind who is now a PhD - got an A+ in his class - granted it was an intro class and ages ago - don't think it will fly - Ms. J claims I have nothing to lose, funny I still think I do, darn pride.

Work is more stressful these days now that my least responsible employee is back from her extended leave, making more work for me. I am sniffling again. Someday I am sure I will be healthy, just not today. And yes because he really needs more blog time around here, I am trying to make active steps away from AB. You know I never realized that having sex with a person would make the tearing yourself away from that person seem like a battle you can never win. If it isn't the sense of loneliness, then it's the sense of shame/guilt and if it isn't that it's the frustration/anger at a person walking away not because they don't love you, it's because they can't grow up (his words not mine - not ready for commitment).

Anyways, apparently it's Monday, so I have word problems and geometry to get to - I love the GRE, I love the GRE, I don't love the GRE. Boo.

One of my new real loves

So while I'm trying to convince my brain that it LOVES: basic math (fractions, bedmas, etc), obscure and obtuse vocabulary, and memorizing large chunks of 18th century poets, it needs no assistance in it's new real loves for white chocolate soy Americano misto's and GLEE. So on the note of GLEE and what they've made likely one of the most popular songs by Journey I give you this cover, and yes I am aware it's not GLEE, I might argue it's even slightly better, eek.

Snicker

Okay so I am going to indulge one of my utmost guilty pleasures - going to one of OM's big get drunk fests, so that I can:

1. Make OM squirm, I have a dress in mind...
2. Meet someone better than OM and may the patron saint of Sbucks have mercy on my soul he better be miles beyond BV
3.Take Ms. J, come on I know you hate our closet case friend OM because he didn't ask you out, but if you remember I asked him out, and I had to listen to stories about unfortunate camp pictures and underwear shots etc. Dude it was all sorts of UGLY, consider yourself one step up the dating scale for NOT doing it.
4. Did I mention I get to giggle inside, which is fabulous, at the site of OM.

PS I'm immature, evil and all that for saying this and you know what? I am fine with that, ya you heard me, I will rest easy that night as long as I avoid the tequila/gin.

Visions

First of all I would like to apologize as Blogger seems to be chewing up your comments )and my responses) - I have received them.

But the point to all this is as Ms. J and I have been going through our trying moments as of late, a vision I had a year ago or so keeps coming back to mind. Now this isn't a vision of the future or whatever they show you on TV. It was a moment on the T as I was working through "What Colour is Your Parachute" (a really good book actually), there was a lesson/action, where you just let everything be, all rational etc and so on and see what happens. What happened was actually something that made me mad. So if we're going on the fairytale in the sky dreams, this was not one of those really. It was a moment where I said, Really? You've got to be joking that that's what you see for my future. I grieved it to be honest. Fast forward a year and that vision is a beautiful thing.

What was it?

It was a house, heritage-esqe full of books, comfy furniture and people - full of people (and I'm not really a people person). It was a home full of life, like the house was one big communal hug and I was teaching. It was my home/house. So here's the bigger confession, the blog is titled single and picky - no I'm not secretly married, I am single. But well I don't always, actually more often then not, see myself with anyone. I see myself in that house, with a garden and flowers everywhere, walls of books, a table full of cups of half consumed tea and coffee and crumbs, and children. I see myself as a mom, but I don't see myself as a wife. Some might argue that's a problem, that's why I'm single. It could be, but I don't think it is. So yes we get to add this vision and the mulling to all the tears and growing pains that are happening in the S&P world. No worries folks, it's all good, growing is tough shit and as John Mayer tweeted today life is best lived without the epidural, so on that note bring on the tea, the gluten free cookies and good friends.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/silverakshi/172706673/

I Will Survive!

Work that is... and the rest too but darn it, I want my bed. Before I drift off at the kitchen table, I've move my laptop out of the bedroom - trying to reinstate healthy sleep habits... anyways before we get lost on the topic of bed, bedrooms and sleep and all the other non-sleep activities - the point to the title is/was/will be this:

D who works downstairs in our building asked about men in my life - which I choked at - for one I've been some shade of green/yellow/mucous this entire winter and two I know that while sure a man might be lovely, they are a hell of a lot of work. That sounds bad, but let me rephrase that - I work 8-4 at best, more often it's like 7:40-5 something 5 days a week - standard true, but add 1 hour on each side of that for a commute, and well let me just show you...

6am Alarm
6:04 - Shower (I know not a morning snooze button person)
6:40 - Finished with all the morning preparations
6:50 - Leave house for bus stop
7:40 - Arrive at work (if I'm lucky and caught the early bus and the T w/out waiting)
Hi, Ho, Hi, Ho yadda yadda
4pm (let's call it a GOOD day or a sick day)
5-5:30 arrive home - depending on buses and the T
5:30-6 Start dinner, change to go running
6-7-8 - Depending on length of run etc...
Shower, change - and call it 8pm
8pm Dinner, dishes, email etc
8:30-9:15 ish GRE study
9:30 or earlier bed

I don't see room for a man in there... I used to spend hours at AB's house - which was fine when it was summer, I wasn't really training, I had no school to worry about or an exam. But well life has changed. Sure I read during my commute or nap etc. but well in the end school has become my focus. Maybe in the process I find someone, maybe wherever I end up Sept 2011 I find someone, or maybe I don't, right now it's not the goal. I know that's hard for my parental unit to hear and for my girlfriends too, but in the end remember it's not like the blinders are on.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/photocapy/17281343/

I have to say I've had many stacks like this one over my years of studying - there's a similar stack of novels to read that right now is kind of scaring me to be honest.

Another Song issue...

I woke up from one of many long and deep naps I've had this weekend without the aid of Gravol, and I have to say apparently my body really needs its sleep... but anyways while I get to enjoy the expanse of sheets and fluffy duvet alone, a song popped into my mind. Earlier today I was lamenting my inability to study during this extended comatose-ness to my parental unit. That I can forgive myself for, slacking off in the wake of all this not really.... Maybe that's why I am prepared to loose my attachment to AB. Maybe it's the Gemini in me or maybe it's a survival technique, or maybe my grief and shame are able to birth him out of my dreams, my breaths, out of my veins and into something for a creative writing project. I guess what I am saying is in this weakness of body and mind I am being reminded of the strength of a presence and the direction for my life and honestly it is away from AB. Whether that is forever or a time that is not for me to decide.

There is a quote from Ann Lamott to the side of my bed about perfectionism being the voice of the oppressor and every thing starts with a shitty first draft - even studying does. So I'm going to "burn the ships" yes I am aware that is a famous line Cortes said, but it's also a line from that song I mentioned... and get on with the getting on. Sure we can all look lustfully at the horizon. But even in those moments I need to remind myself of the horizon on the other side, the one where the sun rises.

Time to get out of bed, for a few hours at least.

Photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/21186938@N07/2144850424/

This Song Makes Me

want to claw out the remainders of my functioning heart and shove them in my ears or the reverse. I lived it (IT) and loved it back in September when he first started taking apart my heart, and now, now it makes me want to hurt someone. Why? Because I am at odd with the emotions, sure I still want him, but this morning I realized (after a wonderful Gravol free sleep), I like my bed. I am able to embrace the want and hurt, but I'm not able to make peace with the kind of work it would take to get back to where we were all the while knowing it wouldn't ever be the way it was before. Before when I was naive enough to believe he could grow up, that he wasn't happily damaged and broken. So to the whole world that seems to be in love with the song, I get it, but could we move on already.

The Song

I Need a Man Servant

Yes you heard me, I need a man servant. Someone to do the laundry, the dishes, mop the floor, cook me bland meals and read Frankenstein to me, and when I fall asleep into a Gravol coma, fill the spaces with a human presence. It's lonely being stuck in bed (BR and Ms. J is away for the weekend too). It's even lonelier when you know if I you put aside all your self respect you could ask for someone to come visit your sick self, but there are dishes in the sink, laundry to be washed and a sick body that doesn't want to consider the scrub a dub dubbing that would be necessary before I let someone in... or maybe the only person on the current man servant list is a man who I know it is not truly in his character to come help me...

Oh well on a happier note - while I spend my waking hours on YouTube, check this out:

Oh Gravol, how I love you

I, for the first and I promise the last time in my life, got out of bed put a coat and sandals on and walked to the store last night. That's right in my pj's, my oh so sexy, ugly sweaty with the stench of sickness pj's. Likely not they had only be on for the afternoon and I had showered, but anyways I felt like that... I stumbled over to my handy two blocks away 24hr drug store and loaded up on Gatorade, GingerAle, yogurt, Lysol wipes and Gravol. Now yes I am lactose intolerant, but I needed the bacteria and I can't imagine I would feel worse. The point is Gravol is a beautiful drug. I slept through the night and I plan on sleeping through the next few days aside from liquid intake.

But while I have been awake for a few short hours this morning - I found this:


Her monologue at the end on the talk is why I write, why I dream of writing, why holding an old or a new paperback novel makes my skin tingle. Words are our opportunity at life or death, freedom or bondage, hope or despair. Our stories: failures, successes, near misses, the smiles, the tears, the moments of bliss they are us and they knit us to our world, to the soul of all - the presence of the Spirit, who we all are and where we originated.

I am about to slip back into my Gravol coma, have a lovely day.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/xtheowl/2881532663/

Part 2 of the 29 of 29

18. Learn to drive - my parental unit insisted on this today
19. Learn to read French
20. Take a beginner tap dance or ice skating class
21. Invest in a Jo Malone fragrance - which I might add are PRICEY and hard to come by on this side of the Atlantic

So the list is nearing completion....but for now I need to take up residence in the tiled palace for a while

The List of 29... Dun Dun Dun

1. Apply for Graduate school (write the General GRE and Subject GRE) - I will not dignify this with more than one spot.
2. Dye hair blond and cut short - thinking pixie short but I hate growing it out from that length, it's the devil.
3. Make something with squash blossoms
4. See at least two VIFF films
5. Run 5 marathons
6. Get a professional massage, and no not that kind of massage...
7. Go to The Diamond, try a new signature drink - ie. not vodka based, and if it is gin based I will hand over my Blackberry for the night.
8. For an equal drinking/class experience go here for my birthday
9. Plant a mini garden and try not to kill it
10. Use the word bombastic and/or find someone bombastic and get their number
11. The above will be done at either 7 or Shangra La's bar - which I've been dying to go to... alcohol is a theme here, oops.
12. Dance somewhere - flash mob would be a safe place... I have a fear of rhythmic movement and rightfully so.
13. Have a body part waxed
14. Get another tattoo (I want a really big one, though I will likely settle for something small again)
15. Make homemade marshmallows for Christmas gifts - you better act surprised y'all.
16. Get a short story published... it's in the works, it is I promise
17. Give a random stranger on the T a bouquet of flowers

So I have 11 more items - suggestions?

I Think I Just

well you don't really want to know what happened when I saw the picture below of an acquaintance's blog *goosebumps, shivers and etc*

Of course they didn't source it, so I'm going to have to search for how it was done because it appears that the spines remained unaltered - how my dear would you do that then, search for coloured spines of your favorite books... they don't really make those, when they do they are normally hard covered books...

PS the whole set up actually makes me extraordinarily happy, white is luxury and the color is well, I'm speechless at the beauty and the BOOKS, oh the books.

PPS - FOUND IT

PPPS - I found this lovely man's music - oh loveliness.