Halloween!!

This wonderful season I am going to be out tonight...with mummy cupcakes, some kind of savory brain looking thing... and of course something to make a festive martini with... though I don't know if Katara would be a martini girl... on that note my idea of the quintessential Halloween video... post Monster Mash and all that... I believe I'm a permitted to post it because lets be honest every girl who was a teenager in the 90's wanted to be a BSB video girl, come one you know you did....

Type Me

It is becoming apparent that as we (those I am around) age we seem to become more set in our types... since when did we even have a type?

I mean I know I seem to attract severely broken/commitment phobic men BI semi excluded, the rest definitely fit in there. Which is funny considering Ms. J recently phrased something I've heard several times before, I'm intimidating. AB says no, I don't know if AB has seen me angry, I am sure he will some day... So if that is the case why to I seem to find the ones who aren't prepare to fight me? Not like combat, I'm a pacifist, but I think you know what I mean...

Enough with my type issues, AB likes a certain type, BI likes a certain type though his partner doesn't have that aspect, and so on... so do types really matter? Can we break them? Or in AB's case is he destined to forever pick women who are ___, well I couldn't go and tell you know can I? What? And reveal my secret identity? Let's just say that I was once told I looked like a celebrity who dances ballet and lives in London, believe she's a Canadian as well... figure who she is and ta da you might have a picture or not...

The New NYC

Ms. J and I hit up NYC for a b-day celebration last spring... this year she's hankering for a less glamorous location, one that is just an hour plane ride from here - eww. She's got legitimate reasons... me? I think we need to aim for the same amount of fun, then again I've got flying on the agenda for next year already so... hmmm. Suggestions?

Turkey,India and Spain were all thrown around last year - the issues being Turkey isn't the safest place to be... India I want to go for like a month to 3 months and spend time in an ashram - doesn't scream being mean to your liver type fun, and Spain, well if I touch Europe I want to see it ALL!! So I'm thinking let's head south? or West?

Note I am going to be seeing a P state this year, and next year Oklahoma (again woot!) and NYC at minimum. Likely another state in the early fall like one of the Carolina's... though not entirely sure...

Friends with Benefits

I was always against the idea, adamantly against it, but I realized today as BB came up behind me in Sbucks and gave me a around the shoulders hug... that life has a funny way of mirroring your decisions. With AB I for whatever reasons fell into a FWB situation being the one handing out the benefits, and now with BB it's reversed. Now I'm not equating that actions that "don't involve sleeping" equal to a free Sbucks every morning, but it's oddly spurning on the same level of guilt. Appearances. While I don't care when I have a hand in the appearance, when it's my actions I can be held accountable for. With BB I feel like I've been roped into something that I don't really want to participate in...

Can I go back to my simple single life? Figure out what just dating looks like without employing the common online dating technique or similar options

To Distract Me

From my new friend, N95 respirator mask - I offer you this, and for those in health care - start consulting 3M for a new way to construct these monstrosities...


Happy - Leona Lewis

Since When?

Ms. J came over for dinner on Saturday - though she really came for the communal alcohol and ice cream consumption and I invited her lest I spend the night pining for someone who I should be actively forgetting.

We talked Twilight - it always comes up - this disease is sad and funny, given that we're both old enough to know it's all crazy, we're also single enough to yell at the book on our Friday nights. I've developed a bad habit of reading it when I'm bored... so the point to all this. Since when did these ideas become so central to our female consciousness that they get recycled generationally. Fated lovers... Romeo and Juliet through to Bella and Edward. Somewhere we have ingested the belief that with a snap of Fate's fingers the magnets become magnetic and there is an inalienable connection like those plush bears Hallmark sells every season.

Fate might just do that, I don't argue that, but I do argue the success of such a moment... so on that note little Twihards and every generation before and after you, please pull yourselves together and for my sake, for the sake of every single woman over 25, whether sane or not, please pack away this notion. Or I might just do something rational though questionable the next time I see an EHarmony add professing such an outlandish notion. Fate is not your friend, fate is that girl in high school you thought you wanted to be friends with until you went to university and got a life, and she became a "dancer" the next town over... you know what I mean.

This Makes Me Angry and Feel Oddly Helpless

In regards to CEF... we don't talk about him that often or even because I don't really like reliving the terror/fear he brings up... but because of that fear, I also keep a cautious eye on his moments, sort of like a make sure you don't cross any major borders, stay in your time zone kind of thing... I have a friend who does this for me normally but since they've lost touch, I had a recent look, we have an issue of sorts.

I am going to be spending some time in a city that he now lives in, since what the hell when, and now I'm trying to figure out how to hide while I'm in this said city. Yes I'm aware it's a large city, I'm also aware fate/life has a very cruel sense of timing, and I wouldn't for the life of me be surprised if I saw him... so I'm trying to figure out what kind of disguise I'm going to have to factor in... I've dyed my hair since the separation and I'm pretty sure he isn't aware of that given those pics have been limited for security reasons... beyond that I'm not sure what I can do other than leave it off my Facebook status so no one gives him an inadvertent heads up - since we still have mutual friends.

Happy Friday...

Vote Time!

I am leaving it to a vote, or a poll or something of the sort. Ms. J and CW vote that AB needs his ass kicked to the curb until he's good and ready to play fair or something like that - Ms. J specific request was come back when he's ready to love/date you - hmm so Paris Hilton is going to be free of all venereal diseases before that happens, so hmmm. CW leans more towards the HSBBF side of things that involves a physical ass kicking of some fashion and a blocking/removal of him from every aspect so you get to vote

1. Status Quo
2. No more events together - movie night, games night, visit to the Taxidermy exhibit...
3. 2 with the removal of all text message communication
4. 2+3+ block on Facebook for X amount of time
5. 2+3+4+ have an Eternal Sunshine moment...

Everyone Meet...

AB *waves*

No I haven't added another AB, trust me, one in this lifetime is enough, would have been enough, but I think I need to stop the verbal/cranial diarrhea...but regardless.

So I found myself last night standing in the cold of the impending fall, it was cold to me, whether it was actually cold is another issue, being rude and trying find my keel again. I called AB, typing a message on FB on my Crackberry is as annoying as getting my SBucks drink made with milk instead of soy... so I had the joy of saying things in plain language like the lines on the white stick stress moment and listening to silence. Um ya AB, so you can't commit now, and you wonder why I didn't call and say hey my non-boyfriend we've got a little situation here, wondering if you wanted to come hold my hand and then run to the liquor store for a toasting beverage or a shot of courage for you. In the end the situation is as it was before - we're "friends" I'm beginning to feel that horrendous Kelly Clarkson song coming on like a deranged episode of Once More With Feeling, I'm going to break into, "don't waste your time trying to fix, what I want to erase, what I need to forget, don't waste your time on me my friend, friend, what does that even mean." Maybe this is a sign that I need to do as Ms. J has suggested, cut all ties, delete him, block him and move on... likely would be a good thing if I could do that, spending time without him is enough of a step at this moment, in time I think the other will come. Right now I'm trying to take one step at a time away from AB. Since yes we all can say I'm crazy about him and even crazier that I think that. Could someone commit me to the rehab all the celebrities go to, the ones with all the booze and drugs, that way I could get the supervised vay-cay I need. Meh, I guess it's just time to up the miles on the daily run.

For the record - I don't believe anyone can be fixed with a relationship or without or any of that business - we can be healthier - but that health thing is an individual journey in my opinion....

Curses

Because damn it, I shouldn't but I do...



Because this will be me and Ms. J actually that almost was me being Christina - instead of my regular Meredith role, though I have to say I agree with her about tequilla - vodka is more my poison...

Fate's Got Cards It Don't Want to Show...

I feel like my life is becoming one big country song, or a bildungsroman short of Jane's beauty. It's a messy road, her's was so much clearer in places. Somewhere along Beach as HSBBF and I looped around to run over the bridge, the tears and anger hit full force. I'd popped the bubble - the anger flooded forward, I think this is why HSBBF and I are still friends, she knew how to hold the sub 10 minute mile pace while I blubbered on, figuring out what I didn't want to know. That AB is well, Trisha sings it better, but since I don't want to make you listen to the song, a walk away AB. He made a choice, he understood the importance of that choice, said he respected me for my choices, my rules (like I stuck to them... ) and opted to go forward, and despite being given explicit instructions to walk away, far far away if he wasn't prepared to in the aftermath embrace it all and walk forward. He chose to stay. He chose to stay close, to repeat that decision. And then in a moment of clarity this week I realized that despite all those choices to stay close, he still ultimately choose to draw the one line red line over and through my dignity and honor/respect. He will never be committed. He made a choice to despite the feelings in his heart, the knowledge in his head to progress knowing damn well how I felt. In the end I hurt but I will heal, and you, you get to process all that however you want to and know that absolution and atonement are not as easy as grace to give. Regardless I get the chance now to say, walk away - you don't get the option to stay and your toothbrush will be returned to you in time.

The Darkness

HSBBF calls it the darkness, and while in the beginning I didn't agree, I do now. I agree and acknowledge that it is more a roving, spirit like darkness than what descends upon this lovely city for 6-8 months.
I have said and can be quoted as saying to LMDTB, whatever you give up know the risks, if it's worth it to you do it. I recant. I recant because I did something with AB that I thought I knew the risks about, and now I realize I miscalculated in an area that most people don't even need to factor in. I forgot to, decided to ignore, or a little bit of both, the AB is not committed and lets be really frank with ourselves will never be despite how he perpetually spins it. So ya, that decision, made way to a repeat of the decision a few times and other actions on my part, involving waiting for some pink lines, thankfully just one appeared. And so if you haven't caught the drift of the song and dance, I will be happily and freely drinking at Chez Moi alone or accompanied on Friday, come join, I might get drunk enough to haul the whole sordid mess out of my soul so we can exorcise this darkness. Because it needs to be done before I come to the anger stage - you know it is a part of the grieving process, and I and Lady Anger are distant friends, we know each other, and well let's just say she's due for a visit, so I can go through the motions of what the hell is your problem, so much for all you said, and then as she gets ready to leave, I get the fun part of taking responsibility, though that being said in all this mess. I have thought about that - how much responsibility is it for me to carry - two people made a choice, one person who knew in his heart he didn't love me...

Yay for sharing!!

Letting someone else doing the talking for me...or singing

I can't sing - sure I sing, but I mean like I can't sing on key or all that - but I admire the ability to put emotions into a condensed space where they surprisingly don't sounds compressed, over simplified or weak. Serena does that - these two songs( Weak in the Knees and All for Love ) speak to the AB issue

Hmmm...

Ever have a moment where you realized something, and you aren't prepared to face that decision, yet in reality it's a decision you've been somehow denying for the last few days, weeks or months.

I just had that moment, in one of the most inconvenient places, not completely inconvenient because I have a computer in front of me. A blog isn't the place to go into depth with the decision I made. I have to say as much as I will always believe there was something right in the decision I made, somewhere in all my belief that it wasn't tragic, it didn't seem tragic at the moment, it was. It was not the right decision to make. Why? Um hell don't even know where to start with that one, mostly it was a dumb decision with respect to my heart, though it doesn't seem to be getting much in the way of honesty and respect these days. I was working on our AR accounts and listening to LA, and well let's just say it hit me, it was tapping me on the shoulder yesterday in church but in this moment it hit me. I made a decision based on a false belief in my heart, and the pain of the moment when I first heard this song came back to me. That chasm just split, and I remember. And now looking back at all the ground that is covered knowing that regardless of all that has happened in the last month AB and I are still frozen emotionally in that moment - that moment where we ended up on other side of the emotional/relational Grand Canon. Oh hell.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/mikemcd/539914172/

Epiphany = Fracture

There was a moment last year where I have said my true self got a hold of my everything else and took control. The true self has gotten lost as of late. The stumbling in all this doesn't surprise me, we all do, especially since as we joked through everything, I'm basically starting life over. I'm all for starting over, all for making mistakes, however some of those mistakes have lead to moments in the last few weeks I never want to repeat in my single life ever again.

That really isn't the epiphany part of things. I was in a church last night (maybe a surprise to some of you), and I had a moment where I realized that "this" (AB) is a mess of my enabling self, and in the end nothing becomes of it all. Now yes I realized that is about the most obvious epiphany summation I could come up with - there was a lot more, but well that all can be summed up with another obvious realization, I'm loved by God and my community more than AB, and they up hold me, and I need to be honorable before them.

So really what in the end does this all come down to - a love/hate relationship with AB, as I try and let the self respect part of me become the inner survival b*tch we all have. AB won't commit, he won't, it's the mantra I've come to begin to repeat. I am in one way or another a hindrance to a life he thinks he needs to live, and maybe he does. I understand that belief, hell it was one of the reasons I life CEF in the dust, it was one of the polite reasons. but I know it isn't normally the predominate reasons.

I know I'm not really making sense, I guess it comes down to these issues:

1. I care deeply for AB in a romantic sense, love him as a person

2. He wants to go to Japan for an extended period of time - that's fine - to be honest I would have no issue if we were in a relationship if he wanted to do this - if it became an issue - I wouldn't have an issue with moving there if that was asked of me, of course there would have to be some kind of formal commitment in that case - that's a general thing - regardless of the person.

3. I have goals in my future - those goals seem to cause concern to AB, though I don't believe I'm wrong by saying I know they are in his future view of himself.

4. I am aware that there is a high percentage chance that regardless of things said and things done that AB could as he said yesterday and I quote "pick a different pichachu for his pokemon" whatever the hell that is.

So I think this is where that chasm opens ever so slowly, and things fall apart only to come back together in different ways - with pieces of AB laced into the fabric, but neither as the warp or the weft.

Musical selection

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cassyratz/2802021509/

Somedays I wish life in the S&P Universe of Management was this fun...

Though I think we'd pick this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JD6ejmlpa8, you've got to have the actions

Squishy

Somewhere in the last year I went soft in more ways than one. I used to be smaller, a lot, and now I'm a living example of why a vegan diet is a beautiful thing. And so now the long crawl back to those jeans still tucked away in the bottom drawer. I know that it isn't all bad. I've said if all I had to lose or in the end gain was a few extra pounds in all the NLLL that went down in regards to CEF that is all is still for the best. Really I could have gained a CH (Crazy Husband) and then the lovely title of divorcee or something like that... because let's be honest, it would have gone down that way somehow, someway. I don't know how, when I look back at it all that things went as far as they did... anyways. Back to the grind, so I don't cringe a little internally every time AB touches me.

Music for the fun that will be had, toxic and fluffy:

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/fre_natae/3209332438/

A Lesson for the Young Ones and My Future Self

Don't give your heart to a boy who can't commit. Don't give one ounce of yourself beyond that moment where those words come out. Like that moment where you stood in the dying moments of summer, where you felt that chasm grow within you and the desperation that squeezed that wound shut with the ferocity you've never known. Don't stay to watch the leaves turn and fall from the trees, don't wait for the seasons to change in the hopes that the cold outside will somehow make him want to warm his heart with your care/love. Don't find yourself standing in the rain at odd hours waiting just to see him, to hug him, to be there and feel your heart race, for the world to back go back to the way you want it for just a moment, the rotational momentum of the world is stronger than anything he makes you feel.

He might say he misses you, he will make you think he does really care about you, really genuinely feel the same way. He might, but he doesn't really until that moment when he grabs your hand in public, when you aren't just the friend with every benefit but those words. Those words somewhere in all the feelings and moments come to amount to so much more. Don't give your heart without those words, even if you are aware that hearts are messy, lives are messy. If you do, you'll have this moment to look back on, you'll remember the want you feel towards AB. May it serve as a reminder.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/orangeacid/173503843/

Bipolar

I am not clinically bipolar, but I might just be a true Gemini - I have a split personality when it comes to the matters of the heart. Recently I came to realize that the clinical, practical, methodical part of me that entered into relationships in the past has left the building, and now I find myself saying things I would have in a previous life never thought to have even uttered. What happened? I don't know to be honest. I am looking for the pendulum to swing back and somehow wedge itself somewhere in the middle. But I think some how we're here for the meantime and I need to find away not to love with wild abandon as was recommended by a lady for whom her mental health has been questioned, so maybe not.

Right now it's more like learning how not to love with wild patience, unrealistic, more than guaranteed heartbreak and yet here I am. I am going through the motions of dating other men, of "keeping my options open" and all the while finding no way imaginable to get my heart to follow suit. We tried silence, we are seeing each other less, though it could be argued that the time together has a more intimate tone to it now given the course of events. It's in the end a non-friendship that has no definition, about as gray as possible, and I am not okay with it in moments, like the moments where I wish I could get to hold his hand, and other times where I know that somewhere I signed up for the waiting. I signed up for the option of no guilt, no coercion, no but you ___, but rather something else. What the duck as my Blackberry likes to say.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/crazycatchthecat/3676038407/ - I love the title of the shot - He makes me bipolar does that mean I like him. Yes honey I think it does.

Planning for the Future

No there is no bun in the oven (that I'm aware of though it has been the joke of late) or any thing that would warrant a rushed plan for the future. But I have been thinking about it. In the past I've been one to have specific plans, strong rules, guidelines, strong just about everything. And now I'm aware that there has been a dramatic change of heart over the last little while. So the idea of planning for the future, while I would like the future to come has well sort of been put on it's head.

I used to believe that I would find that person who was compatible - note I did not say "someone who completes me" or the one or any of that - someone with whom I could see myself living in a loving, respectful partnership with is the goal, key on all those parts. Anyways I would find that person, we'd date (because that used to seem so easy), he would think I was amazing (and yes of course vice versa) and he'd scoop me up off the market and we'd be married in time frame ranging from 1 yr to 2 years in total. I still sort of wish for that, though it seems that the first part of that equation might take an eternity...

I also used to hope for a few years to get used to living with said person - and then the babies. The thing is I'm aware I'm not young, nor is my body and waiting is waiting for more issues later on. I would like to say I'm not feeling any concern, that I know I have time, and I do. I am not on the hunt for all that - but it is there somewhere in the nagging back of my mind, thrown to the front every so often when I open a Women's Health and they happen to have an article on how I can prepare my uterus for the future occupant, regardless of the immediacy of that... hmm, didn't want to think about that, thanks.

The future is gray, I wish it wasn't but it is and that just is well the way I guess it's going to be...

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/erin_ryan/2479288574/

Letting the Music Incriminate Me

Hate That I Love You - Rihanna

Struggling

I would like to say amidst all this dating* that I've managed to come to some grand epiphany other than the one that shouldn't get repeated again - I have an issue with that one. The last two dates, correction all but BV have shared too much, and BV couldn't hold a conversation. Look fellas, I know I'm a talker, I work my brain - my feelings and all that out, out loud or in print - which is close enough, and I somehow, just barely have figured out the whole self censor business. Yes I've developed a challenging situation with the NLLL, but I know that the following can cause silence and really awkward situations:

1. Ex's - especially details - like cheating on or by, the dysfunctional nature or any of that, really, seriously - I'm not going to tell you CEF is anymore that CEF - I don't think you need to know that if he ever contacts me that I will without hesitation file a restraining order and while we were at it maybe change my name, move and everything else I considered at one time...

2. Your emotional struggles - goodness we've all had them - trust me, we have, I however think Dr Brain is the better person for my emotional venting, or Ms. J when I've got some booze in me, it's not really first date material.

3. Your job hate - lord only knows how many shitty days I have here, however I'm here in the end because gasp I want to be, crazy shit I know. You don't like the job I don't care what it is get a job you like. I can respect you more for having a shitty paying job or career that fulfills you, than I can do the other - the other is TOXIC, and not in a sort of hot way like the song, Bimbo Spears auto tuned/lip sync'd her way through.

You can tell me the following:

1. Travel - where you've been, where you would like to go and why - ex. I would like to go to India and visit an ashram, or I would like to see Japan because well despite my loathe of Memoirs of a Geisha, the cherry blossoms looked amazing, like well maybe too romantic to go alone, but I would go anyways...

2. What you do to occupy your time - I will shame you by saying I'm a health masochist - I think the best way to spend a Saturday morning is a 13 mile run, followed by a nap/cuddle if I get that luxury or something like that... not that I would offer you a cuddle, but whatever, moving on.

3. Fun - crazy things you've done recently - like I went to a film fest recently... etc

4. If you want to be transparent - tell me about your future goals - BB wants to live in a city I would rather be shot before I would move to for a million reasons - I am high maintenance, and this city is all sorts of wrong, all wrong, very wrong, and it's actually once of the major cities in this fine country. Kids? You know I would like 2 or maybe 4 - let's start with 2, yes my uterus is alive like the hills in the Sound of Music, but I'm not looking for just your contribution, I'm looking for a partner... so yes that would mean I would like you to make an honest woman out of me and marry me before they come along and all that.

But that's it... maybe I should put it at you this way, all this unneeded sharing is equivalent to me saying the following to AB for example, and note in addition to being too much info, it's all hugely unfair to dump on someone, regardless of the situation:

1. I want to get married and I think you're a really really good match - I should be shot for saying that, because while it may be accurate it's not to be said, oh no no no in the words of our fair Ducky

2. I have a ring picked out and L (CW) could get you a good deal, don't worry I've liked the setting for years...

3. The above two imply I want to have your children (which at the moment strikes me as a very odd statement...) and I am okay with the names you've already indicated you like.

I could even get worse, but I won't because I think you get the point...

Saturday Morning Musical Distraction...

What If Im Right - Sandi Thom

Case of the Giggles...

CW is giving me a case of the giggles discussing Edward and her own Edward if you would like to call him that, I know he would have no objections to such a term. He's going as such at Halloween much to his own risk I am sure... Twilight, Twihards and all those peoples I have to say that you were dissected by me for X who looked kind of frightened by the whole sparkly vampire thing and the OCD kind of mindset that comes from reading the book - the whole stay in your stinky pajamas...

Other funny convo fragments:

He wants me to put sparkles on him
You know that you're putting him at risk of bodily harm
It's fine the sparkles would just be on his head, besides everything below his head is all mine
You just want to bring that angry Gemini side out don't you
*Snicker*
Just be ready, really ready

He says he wants to live like the 50's, why doesn't he do it and marry me?
What and have a loveless marriage?
No no no, you know what I mean
Sorry read too many of those feminist books.

You know you can sit
No I'm fine
Sorry I like to sit, and now I feel lazy - You know you can file from your chair, just lower the seat...

So what are you two, did you sleep alone?
What do you mean?
Did you have the talk?
Not really, he FB'd me
So
So...
*Rolls eyes*
Don't start with me, because I don't know where to start with him

He wants to give me a promise ring
What a ring that says I'll consider being committed to you
Ya one of those, *rolls eyes*
*Inserts finger in mouth*...

File This Under

Things I wish I could say to someone, things I would never want to say and all the stuff in between... you can pick out those phrases. And just in case you were wondering I heart Owen and Christina - the whole savior complex I've got going on - and and and I might have put an I Saw You in the local paper - AB thinks they're creepy and I do sort of, but in my defense it was an thank you to the incredibly nice, and possibly very handsome guy who as he ran past me on a local bridge cheered me on to catch up. Oh honey I would have if I could.

Yay, My Taboo Love of PCD has been Redeemed...